Serial cheating married man

[rosieisblue]

Some of you know my story so I won't get into it other than to say that my MM was a serial cheat in his marriage which is now heading to divorce.

 

He is very firm that he will not cheat on me, that he cheated on his wife because he was unhappy. But he argues with her a lot. It's about the settlement between them and she is trying to take a lot of his money.

 

The stress is getting to him and I wonder if this is a trigger?

[beach]

Some of you know my story so I won't get into it other than to say that my MM was a serial cheat in his marriage which is now heading to divorce.

 

He is very firm that he will not cheat on me, that he cheated on his wife because he was unhappy. But he argues with her a lot. It's about the settlement between them and she is trying to take a lot of his money.

 

The stress is getting to him and I wonder if this is a trigger?

 

You will always wonder - that's why it's not worth it to be with HIM. You sacrifice YOUR peace ofmind robe with him = nothing about that is right for YOU.

[rosieisblue]

But what I want to know is triggers. He's very, very stressed out by the whole situation and I'm wondering if this is a trigger for people. There aren't any indications that he's cheating but he's so angry with her and it's consuming him to an extent.

[Artie Lang]

he's just gonn a have to ride through it. tell him to MAN-UP!

[rosieisblue]

He is manning up. He's not letting her push him around, he's standing his ground on money issues but it's still stressful. They are going back adn forth on the settlement and can't seem to reach a common ground.

 

And then the kids. They've now said they'll meet me and I'm really nervous. I don't know how it's going to go and I'm kind of surprised the older one said yes. That'st he one thing MM is happy about, that the older one has come around to meeting me.

[beach]

Good luck with that. My cheating exH would have used any excuse not to blame himself - a hangnail = an excuse for bad behavior... As long as I didn't find out he was ok with it all.

[rosieisblue]

I am me, Rosie, not the wife. Which site is she posting on? I would like to read that.

 

I read my thread and I know everyone thinks I should get out but things are going well for us. We're happy, the kids are coming around, the divorce is going through. The one thing is the settlement. They have not reached it yet and it's causing him alot of stress. I don't know how to help him with this because he says its his problme to deal with not mine but I can see its getting to him and I want to be there for him and not be shut out.

[beach]

I am me, Rosie, not the wife. Which site is she posting on? I would like to read that.

 

I read my thread and I know everyone thinks I should get out but things are going well for us. We're happy, the kids are coming around, the divorce is going through. The one thing is the settlement. They have not reached it yet and it's causing him alot of stress. I don't know how to help him with this because he says its his problme to deal with not mine but I can see its getting to him and I want to be there for him and not be shut out.

 

You can't do it for him.

 

Give him sex - that's what he looks for from you. It helps him overlook his problems with his wife.

[rosieisblue]

It's not just sex with us. We have a great connection, talk about everything, are a real couple, not just two people meeting for sex. We're developing a life together. The kids coming around is a huge part of his.

[jwi71]

It's not just sex with us. We have a great connection, talk about everything, are a real couple, not just two people meeting for sex. We're developing a life together. The kids coming around is a huge part of his.

 

Since you can talk about everything...why not talk TO him?

 

Ask him, point blank, what is triggering him and WHY he is acting like he is.

[rosieisblue]

Since you can talk about everything...why not talk TO him?

 

Ask him, point blank, what is triggering him and WHY he is acting like he is.

 

I'm not sure it IS triggering him, Iam wondering if it could be. He's pretty stressed because she wants alot and he is tyring to keep a bit for himself. He worked hard for alot of years for what they have so its killing him, I think, to see alot of it disappearing.

[woinlove]

I'm not sure it IS triggering him, Iam wondering if it could be. He's pretty stressed because she wants alot and he is tyring to keep a bit for himself. He worked hard for alot of years for what they have so its killing him, I think, to see alot of it disappearing.

 

I think it is unusual for two people divorcing under a situation of betrayal and hurt to agree on what is a fair division of assets and income. Aren't there lawyers involved who are handling this? Since there are children involved, perhaps it will help him to focus on what they will have and whether he sees that as fair. But, really, this is his load to deal with.

 

I recall he refused counselling earlier, but, again, if you want a long-term R with him, I think counselling could make a big difference. He obviously did not deal with relationships stresses in a good way and most people need some help to really change and to develop better coping skills. If he won't do counselling, I'd advise against you trying to be his counsellor - worrying about his possible triggers, what you should do to prevent them, etc. Rather you need to ask yourself if he is the kind of partner you want and need and don't be afraid to face the hard truth if the answer seems to be no.

 

I hope his children didn't feel too pressured to meet you. Whatever they decide on the divorce settlement will affect their lives, so they are not even in a new steady state yet. Seems to me this might have waited until after the divorce. But they've said yes, now, so I hope it is not too stressful for all involved. Don't expect too much, they may just be saying yes to have said they met you so their father can not continue pestering them on this. At this stage, it would be quite unlikely that they are looking for any real relationship yet, and more likely they are just meeting one of their father's requests.

[jwi71]

I'm not sure it IS triggering him, Iam wondering if it could be. He's pretty stressed because she wants alot and he is tyring to keep a bit for himself. He worked hard for alot of years for what they have so its killing him, I think, to see alot of it disappearing.

 

You failed to address my point...

 

ASK HIM.

 

If his behavior is affecting your R...you have a right, no DUTY, to ask. To talk. To make YOUR grievance known.

 

And losing X amount of assets is part and parcel of D. If he is stressed from his D - and its affecting your R...then tell him to grow the f_ck up and stop taking it out on YOU.

 

Its HIS D - he shouldn't be making it YOUR problem. It's HIS. Tell him to suck it up and handle it - and YOU stay out of it.

 

Next time he beings acting liker some petulant child...kick him out. Tell him to come back when he act his age.

 

You are now living why "we" say give him space and time to process his D.

[rosieisblue]

You failed to address my point...

 

ASK HIM.

 

If his behavior is affecting your R...you have a right, no DUTY, to ask. To talk. To make YOUR grievance known.

 

And losing X amount of assets is part and parcel of D. If he is stressed from his D - and its affecting your R...then tell him to grow the f_ck up and stop taking it out on YOU.

 

Its HIS D - he shouldn't be making it YOUR problem. It's HIS. Tell him to suck it up and handle it - and YOU stay out of it.

 

Next time he beings acting liker some petulant child...kick him out. Tell him to come back when he act his age.

 

You are now living why "we" say give him space and time to process his D.

 

I ahve asked him he says he's fine, just abit stressed about things and that she's making it really hard. I don't live with him so its not like I can kick him out. He has his apartment and I have mine, although we spend alot of time at each others place.

 

I do feel like I should be there for him. This has been vvery painful for him and very hard and I can see how its hurting him so I want to be supporive and I want to be there for him and make sure that he knows I will not let him down.

 

I just wish they would settle it and let it go so we can all move on.

[2sure]

Serial Cheaters are different than other kinds of cheaters in that they dont need a reason or a trigger - its just how they are made, its what they do.

 

Since you asked him straight up and he said he is fine...you are here asking because you are doubting him.

 

Thats the way it will always be.

[herenow]

So, instead of being happy that he is getting divorced and he can be with the woman he loves (you), he is stressed about the money he will have to give his wife. Take a minute and think about that. Where are his priorities?

[jwi71]

I ahve asked him he says he's fine, just abit stressed about things and that she's making it really hard. I don't live with him so its not like I can kick him out. He has his apartment and I have mine, although we spend alot of time at each others place.

 

I feel stupid. I hate this feeling.

So, you asked your BF why he is being "angry" and he said its the D and not you.

And your response is to come to LS asking about triggers.

I can't help but think I'm missing something.

 

What specifically are you looking for?

 

I do feel like I should be there for him. This has been vvery painful for him and very hard and I can see how its hurting him so I want to be supporive and I want to be there for him and make sure that he knows I will not let him down.

 

I get that. And I understand how you have to walk a thin line.

 

I would tell him

 

"I love you and I'm here to support you in any way I can. I cannot understand or even conceive what you must be feeling. I'm sorry for that. But we, as a couple, cannot survive if you keep taking this out on me or letting your anger consume you. That, I will not do. If you wish, I will listen. To a reasonable degree anyway. Do not get angry or short or snap AT ME. I won't tolerate it. This is your D. Not mine. I cannot really help but listen - and it does NOT give you the right to lash out at me. Understand?"

 

Supportive yet drawing the line.

 

I just wish they would settle it and let it go so we can all move on.

 

That's for THEM to decide.

Not you.

Stay out of it.

 

He comes over and gets angry at his stbxw- kick him out. Tell him to come back when he calms down.

 

There are issues at play you simply cannot grasp - its simply your age and your history as OW. You keep walking this path, you won't have your happy-ever-after. At least with him.

 

To be perfectly frank, I can't see you two making it.

To even have a shot, back off. Let him D. Get counseling. Slow down.

 

And even IF you do all that - the odds are against you.

[beach]

This is why it's always BEST not to see or date any man until the D is FINAL!

 

He's got all kinds of emotions going on and YOU have no business even communicating with him until it's final.

 

It will only hurt the grieving process MORE to be distracted by you.

[PhoenixRise]

I'm not sure it IS triggering him, Iam wondering if it could be. He's pretty stressed because she wants alot and he is tyring to keep a bit for himself. He worked hard for alot of years for what they have so its killing him, I think, to see alot of it disappearing.

 

 

 

Rosie

 

Because you accepted "stress" as an excuse for his serial cheating on his wife, and because you accepted him saying he would NOT do counselling to dig any deeper into the issue, you will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life with him hoping that you don't stress him out.

[MissBee]

Some of you know my story so I won't get into it other than to say that my MM was a serial cheat in his marriage which is now heading to divorce.

 

He is very firm that he will not cheat on me, that he cheated on his wife because he was unhappy. But he argues with her a lot. It's about the settlement between them and she is trying to take a lot of his money.

 

The stress is getting to him and I wonder if this is a trigger?

 

You wonder if what is a trigger? Trigger for what?

 

Basically, divorce is stressful. Divorce after cheating is even more stressful. There is no way for him not to be stressed and he and his stbxw will just have to argue it out until a final settlement is made.

 

I'm not sure about what you're asking though. You made a title about a serial cheating married man, then say he is firm he won't cheat on you...then you're talking about him and his ex arguing....not sure what the question/point is. Are you asking about if he will cheat on you? Or are you asking if the arguments with his wife are stressing him out?

[MissBee]

Rosie

 

Because you accepted "stress" as an excuse for his serial cheating on his wife, and because you accepted him saying he would NOT do counselling to dig any deeper into the issue, you will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life with him hoping that you don't stress him out.

 

Pretty much....

 

If you're in a relationship, where after every time your man says something, you have to get on LS to double check it and probe his psyche...it's in trouble!

[UpwardForward]

Divorce isn't cheap and IMO, w attornies involved - usually H & W each come out with less than half of what they had before.

 

Also IMO, he will always be acting angry with her. That's what they do. My H initiated our D. My sons would visit w he & OW, and much of it was the two of them meanmouthing me.

 

I always thought this newfoundland of hated for the W, is what brings the MM & OW closer together .. The comradery of it all, and a new enemy - in common.

Edited August 13, 2012 by UpwardForward

[truthbetold]

I don't know if I believe that you're two in one posting, I do think the BS is real. Her posts just make more sense and are more grounded.

 

I also don't believe the kids are going to meet you. They can't stand you from their point of view and what they post on FB. He deleted a nasty text from the one while you were in the bathroom because you MM doesn't trust and checks your phone! Sounds like a real match in made in heaven:rolleyes:

 

It's definately your BS there's no two ways about that. The circumstances are identical. Except I'll bet he didn't tell you when he tried to be nice to her for whatever reason and she wants none of it so he's ticked again.

 

He's definately going to cheat on you again. He doesn't even really enjoy all the sports that you do as he's reverting back to some of his old likes that he did with his wife but says he needs to hide it from you. So it's only a matter of time before he tries on someone else for size.

 

I don't usually say "definately" about if he will cheat on you. With a serial cheat that refuses to address his issues, I'd say odds are higher. But with him? And knowing the other side? It's only a matter of time. His parents don't care for you, the kids can't stand you. I can't believe they went from making fun of the roses you sent him, to wanting to meet you. (btw did he tell you he had lunch with the coworker that he had a fling with while you two were on break? Did he tell you it was some innocent lunch?)

 

If you're real Rosie, this is not a guy that is going to be faithful for long. He cheated most of his marriage, not bc of unhappiness Rosie, bc of entitlement. I feel, so , so sorry for you that you just can't see it.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not sure it IS triggering him, Iam wondering if it could be. He's pretty stressed because she wants alot and he is tyring to keep a bit for himself. He worked hard for alot of years for what they have so its killing him, I think, to see alot of it disappearing.

 

I loved going through the other thread.

 

I felt like there was a lot if open dialog even though I was somewhat immaturish during it.

 

Anyways to answer your q , because I am married to a serial cheat.

 

Everything I have learned about serial cheating points to the biggest trigger being: intimacy instead of novelty.

 

As soon as a sexual relationship (and really the rest of it too) becomes less about EXCITEMENT (and getting one's rocks off) and more about mutual-fulfillment and bonding, appreciation, love and warmth the MM often get scared and feel: controlled, smothered and like sharing is more like "taking" something from them.

 

It's no laughing matter.

[beach]

I loved going through the other thread.

 

I felt like there was a lot if open dialog even though I was somewhat immaturish during it.

 

Anyways to answer your q , because I am married to a serial cheat.

 

Everything I have learned about serial cheating points to the biggest trigger being: intimacy instead of novelty.

 

As soon as a sexual relationship (and really the rest of it too) becomes less about EXCITEMENT (and getting one's rocks off) and more about mutual-fulfillment and bonding, appreciation, love and warmth the MM often get scared and feel: controlled, smothered and like sharing is more like "taking" something from them.

 

It's no laughing matter.

 

I agree. That's because they have nothing to give (or share) - their intend is to take only... Selfish and self centered. Using others under the "pretense" of caring... They only care enough to get things THEIR way.