Serial cheating married man

[beach]

The key word is inYOUR title "SERIAL" - that tells YOU what YOU should expect = a man who will always cheat!

[Artie Lang]

what a waste of a young life on such a miserable individual.

 

talk about "wasted" youth.

Edited August 15, 2012 by Artie Lang

[UpwardForward]

He isn't crazy he wants them to meet me so I'm not the devil to them. we are together, we are a couple so it makes sense the kids meet thier fathers girlfriend who is such a big part of his life. It will make things so much easier for everyone.

 

It will make it easier for he and you. Perhaps a step in giving the relationship legitimacy, if the children are 'on board'.

 

The fact remains the children moved out of the family home into new surroundings because of the D, because of you.

 

I can't see any reason why they wish to meet w you unless it would be to appease a father who is showing agitation over the divorce settlement.

 

IMO, you're merely a stumbling block for the children - so don't expect too much of them.

 

There are reasons why you won over their father. (i.e. the right place at the right time, etc.) It just isn't the same with the children.

[truthbetold]

Ok so I've been enlightened. They are agreeing to meet you to "get it over with". They have zero interest in forming a relationship. They haven't changed their minds about you and they haven't suddenly decided to be open minded about this.

 

Their father is forcing them and at this point they're sick of it (you) being such a big deal. However the older one is wise beyond his years. You'll never get it. But he'll NEVER like you let alone accept you. And that's HIM not his mom. His mom has tried to keep them open and she doesn't influence them. They don't like you all on your actions. She's the only sane one out of this trio and it's a shame you and him are using the kids as pawns.

 

They aren't meeting you so you can fulfill this fantasy that all is going to be great. Far from it. They have your number and you're not going to be able to charm them or be so much "fun" like you were to their dad that they can't resist. This isn't going to play out like you hoped and again I feel sorry for you that you can't see it. And more so that you and him are so selfish as to force this. However these kids have a great mom to go to and you don't have hope in hell of changing that. So they have great support. This is traumatic for them. Sick that you don't see that, worse that you don't care.

 

Well soon enough, you'll see it unfold. You think you've "won" and all will be fun and happy but the joke will be on you.

[whichwayisup]

She wants support for as long as it takes her to get her career going to a good level. That means he could be supporting her for alot of years. I don't think she wants the divorce I think she wants to make this hard on him so he will come home.

 

SHE WANTS THE D NOW so she can forget him and move on with her life. HE is the one who is preventing the D to go through immediately.

 

Also, there's nothing wrong with what she's asking. She raised their children, quit her job. He owes her for that, until she is able to make enough money to support herself. That's how it works and that's what they agreed to. He is the one changing things, not her. He's LYING TO YOU and making her out to be the bad guy in all this.

 

He isn't crazy he wants them to meet me so I'm not the devil to them. we are together, we are a couple so it makes sense the kids meet thier fathers girlfriend who is such a big part of his life. It will make things so much easier for everyone.

 

He is crazy for pushing this TOO SOON. Allow them to be ready to meet you. I can say this 1000 more times until you understand this.

 

Not true. When she found out he was honest with her and told her he had a lot of feelings and didn't feel they could go on. She wanted to try but saw after a few days that he wasn't there emotionally and told him to leave.

 

I think with patience and time the kids will come around. It will be hard and I knwo this.

 

All she cares about is getting as much money as she can and that's all I know. I don't know alot about her except that they argue alot.

 

THEN TELL HIM TO BACK OFF AND STOP PUSHING his kids to meet you and get to know you. They will one day when they are ready and on THEIR terms. God, how fricken selfish is he. It's all about him, and he hasn't once considered their feelings in all this. If he truly cared about their mental health and well being, he'd just shut up about it and let them dictate when they are ready. But, he cannot do that because he's PUSHY!!

[truthbetold]

WWIU is exactly right Rosie.

 

THEY had a agreement. y'know cause they were married? She THOUGHT she could trust him and his word. She quit her job at HIS urging. So HE could work the long hours and fly out on business trips. So she could hold the house together and take care of the kids. THEY were a TEAM. An agreement between THEM that she would quit. SHE helped earn that money as much as he did bc they were a TEAM. Do you not get that?

 

It's not the point that you wouldn't give up your fab career etc... THEY made a decision as a TEAM that's what would happen and HE reneged on it. NOT HER HIM.

 

It seems like sooner rather than later you're going to understand the folly of trusting and making plans with a man as fickle and immature as he.

 

And he's VERY immature the kids see it as well.

[UpwardForward]

Anyway, I don't know their term of M. But (w a 14 yr old), if the M was upward toward 20 yrs, in my state - spousal support is *****lifetime***** (or until his income status declines or he dies) ..

[rosieisblue]

The key word is inYOUR title "SERIAL" - that tells YOU what YOU should expect = a man who will always cheat!

 

I guess I say serial because that's what everyone here says it is, since he had more than one affair.

[rosieisblue]

It will make it easier for he and you. Perhaps a step in giving the relationship legitimacy, if the children are 'on board'.

 

The fact remains the children moved out of the family home into new surroundings because of the D, because of you.

 

I can't see any reason why they wish to meet w you unless it would be to appease a father who is showing agitation over the divorce settlement.

 

IMO, you're merely a stumbling block for the children - so don't expect too much of them.

 

There are reasons why you won over their father. (i.e. the right place at the right time, etc.) It just isn't the same with the children.

 

We want it to be more 'legitimete' if that is the word to use. Why shouldn't we? He is my boyfriend and he has kids so the next step is making it come together. The reality is that we are planning a future and the kids will be a part of that. I think they realised that I am not going anywhere so it was time to accept that I am part of his life and will be a part of their lives. Hopefully they will get to know me and like me after some time has passed.

[rosieisblue]

SHE WANTS THE D NOW so she can forget him and move on with her life. HE is the one who is preventing the D to go through immediately.

 

Also, there's nothing wrong with what she's asking. She raised their children, quit her job. He owes her for that, until she is able to make enough money to support herself. That's how it works and that's what they agreed to. He is the one changing things, not her. He's LYING TO YOU and making her out to be the bad guy in all this.

 

He is not lying to me. He has never said she doesn't want divorce, other than the begining when they were in counseling, but it's a feeling I have, that she really would take him back and is still hoping it will happen. I understand she raised the kids but she needs to get a job and stop relying on him to take careof her forever. No one is the bad guy its just a marraige that broke down and now everyone has to make adjustments in the future but she wants it all to stay the same except hes not there.

 

He is crazy for pushing this TOO SOON. Allow them to be ready to meet you. I can say this 1000 more times until you understand this.

 

 

 

THEN TELL HIM TO BACK OFF AND STOP PUSHING his kids to meet you and get to know you. They will one day when they are ready and on THEIR terms. God, how fricken selfish is he. It's all about him, and he hasn't once considered their feelings in all this. If he truly cared about their mental health and well being, he'd just shut up about it and let them dictate when they are ready. But, he cannot do that because he's PUSHY!!

 

There is not pushing, they decided on there own. He was in tears when he told me because he was so happy. Thats how much he loves me.

[rosieisblue]

WWIU is exactly right Rosie.

 

THEY had a agreement. y'know cause they were married? She THOUGHT she could trust him and his word. She quit her job at HIS urging. So HE could work the long hours and fly out on business trips. So she could hold the house together and take care of the kids. THEY were a TEAM. An agreement between THEM that she would quit. SHE helped earn that money as much as he did bc they were a TEAM. Do you not get that?

 

It's not the point that you wouldn't give up your fab career etc... THEY made a decision as a TEAM that's what would happen and HE reneged on it. NOT HER HIM.

 

It seems like sooner rather than later you're going to understand the folly of trusting and making plans with a man as fickle and immature as he.

 

And he's VERY immature the kids see it as well.

 

Her not working gave her a very good lifestyle and she wants to hang on to it but she can't. He can't afford to keep her that way and she needs to get a job. He worked very hard while buying her cars and nice homes and she stayed home and did 'fun' stuff with the kids. I know its not easy being a stay at home mother but life changes and you have to change with it. Hes not immature he just wants to move on and make a life with me with the kids part of that. He hates having things seperate and feels like he still has to have two parts of his life and doesn't wantthat.

[HHC]

No, the cheating started later, when he became unhappy.

Wait? Being unhappy is a good enough reason to break your vows and betray another person?

 

It's a marriage, not tv show.

[woinlove]

Wait? Being unhappy is a good enough reason to break your vows and betray another person?

 

It's a marriage, not tv show.

 

That last line made me laugh.

 

I'm starting to think one should not marry anyone who was unhappy before meeting you. A lasting capacity for happiness comes from within and I do think that a strong capacity for happiness helps make a strong marriage. I've read the best indicator of whether someone will be happily married is whether they were happily single. This doesn't bode well for marrying a MM/MW who uses the excuse of being unhappy for their cheating. Something for you to think about, Rosie - whether MM can be happy on his own or always needs external validation to be happy.

[PhoenixRise]

Her not working gave her a very good lifestyle and she wants to hang on to it but she can't. He can't afford to keep her that way and she needs to get a job. He worked very hard while buying her cars and nice homes and she stayed home and did 'fun' stuff with the kids. I know its not easy being a stay at home mother but life changes and you have to change with it. Hes not immature he just wants to move on and make a life with me with the kids part of that. He hates having things seperate and feels like he still has to have two parts of his life and doesn't wantthat.

 

Rosie you don't get to decide what she NEEDS to do. Actually MM doesn't get to decide that either.

 

A judge will decide what the wife and children are entitled to. A judge will decide what your BF will pay and what the wife will get.

 

You have no clue about the difficulties or the "fun" of being a SAHM.

 

Yes life changes your BF is going to have to come to grips with the fact that he can't control his wife, he can't control what she asks for in the divorce.

 

In fact, since you are so worried about him being stressed and that he might be triggered to cheat because he is stressed, why don't you tell him to stop browbeating his wife about the divorce and let his lawyer handle it. That is, after all, what lawyers get paid to do.

 

If he has a lawyer then the only reason he would be still engaging with the wife regarding the details of the divorce is if he is trying to bully her into taking less than she actually IS ENTITLED TO.

 

And once again, you and he are putting your own needs, wants, and desires above what is best for the kids. Those kids will hate you forever, not necessarily because of the affair, but because of the way you are handling the aftermath.

[UpwardForward]

We want it to be more 'legitimete' if that is the word to use. Why shouldn't we? He is my boyfriend and he has kids so the next step is making it come together. The reality is that we are planning a future and the kids will be a part of that. I think they realised that I am not going anywhere so it was time to accept that I am part of his life and will be a part of their lives. Hopefully they will get to know me and like me after some time has passed.

 

Just because the train has stopped, doesn't mean they have to get on board. I am with all on here who have advised you (and him) to back off of the children at this time.

 

They have and will continue to experience disruptions to their life because of you and the D. Not only did they have to leave the family home, to move to a diff location, they may have to split - or spend their holidays on the road at two diff locations (and the list goes on and on). What is it you do not understand about the Imposed sacrifice on them - and their mother?

 

His anger you have spoken of, could possibly be his failure to understand the divorce he assisted in creating - will reduce his financial manner of living. I just cannot understand why he would have anything much left to bitch about, since they agreed early on to leave their original home behind.

 

And yes (here) the W would be entitled to support.

 

You just cannot go through life worrying if his anger or disappointments would trigger him to cheat again. Perhaps he would or not.

Edited August 15, 2012 by UpwardForward

[beenburned]

PR,

 

Great post!

 

When my D's STBXH wouldn't compromise on anything after being separated for a year and a half, the judge told him exactly when and what he would pay or go to jail!!

[whichwayisup]

There is not pushing, they decided on there own. He was in tears when he told me because he was so happy. Thats how much he loves me.

 

Are you kidding me? Did you not read what I said? How was there NO PUSHING? Those poor kids caved because they felt like they had no choice. And you're happy about this? This has NOTHING to do with you or him loving you, it's about his kids who despise you and are only meeting you to shut their father up. What part of that do you not understand?

 

It's sickening and it's a such a shame that both you and him are putting your own selfish needs above those innocent kids.

[PhoenixRise]

Are you kidding me? Did you not read what I said? How was there NO PUSHING? Those poor kids caved because they felt like they had no choice. And you're happy about this? This has NOTHING to do with you or him loving you, it's about his kids who despise you and are only meeting you to shut their father up. What part of that do you not understand?

 

It's sickening and it's a such a shame that both you and him are putting your own selfish needs above those innocent kids.

 

 

I agree with this. According to the OP's own posts the kids already resent and have objected to their father not focusing on THEM during their time together in favor of obsessively texting the OP. These kids have already been ambushed by the OP and her BF on more than one occasion.

 

If things had been handled with ANY sensitivity at all to how the kids were feeling/coping with the divorce then, in time, maybe they would be willing/able to accept the OP. But with the way things have been handled and they way the MM and OP keep pushing, it is almost guaranteed that these kids will hate the OP forever and eventually-possibly their father too.

[Spark1111]

Rosie, serially cheaters are generally divided into two camps: philanderers and sex addicts.

 

Philanderers feel entitled to have many woman outside of marriage. They may come from a culture where the men in the family felt it is acceptable to do so, as long as the wife and family remain protected. They secretly fear women, tend to be mysoginistic, and have intimacy issues.

 

Sex addicts also fear intimacy, but use sex with others as a release when they fear a loss of control in their personal life. Easily stressed and anxious, sex addicts often have a childhood history of emotional, physical and sometimes, sexual abuse. Sex with no strings becomes their drug of choice.

 

Either way, they both have poor coping skills and intimacy issues, which is why one woman is never, will never, be enough, although they may feel they love her.

 

Generally, not a good bet for a lifetime partner.

[spice4life]

Let me start by saying that I am not in your situation, but have learned a few things along the way.

 

To answer your opening question, if you are feeling nervous that the stress will trigger him to cheat then you need to discuss your fears with him. And do it in a non-confrontational way, so you don't add to his current stress. Communication is key so communicate communicate communicate!

 

Regarding the children I completely disagree with the other posters that are saying the kids will hate you forever. That is so not true if their feelings are taken into consideration during this very stressful time for them. I can identify due to current circumstances with my own father! It is better to let the children choose when they are ready because it prevents additional issues from occurring.

 

In my case, it wasn't divorce but the dynamics of the change are very much the same. My mother passed away two years ago and my father started dating his fiance' three months after she passed and we were in no shape to meet this new woman at that time. We were all still in a state of shock about my mother's sudden illness and subsequent death. Divorce creates those same feelings. Anyway, my father tried to cram his new girlfriend down our throats before we were ready (three months after!) And honestly, it did create issues that could have been avoided if he just waited until we were ready to deal with this new chapter. Everything is fine now, but being rushed has kept us from fully trusting his fiance', but we certainly DO NOT hate her.

 

So yes, you should put your own needs aside and respect the kids right to grieve the loss of their parent's marriage. It's only fair because divorce is very painful for them. But, if their father has already forced you on them before they were ready, some resentments may have already been created. It's best to step back and show them you respect their feelings and are willing to give them the space they need to grieve and heal. That will keep the resentments from building even more. If he is a good father, they will come around because they love him.

[ThatJustHappened]

He isn't crazy he wants them to meet me so I'm not the devil to them. we are together, we are a couple so it makes sense the kids meet thier fathers girlfriend who is such a big part of his life. It will make things so much easier for everyone.

 

Not for the poor kids. But on the bright side..at least they'll be desensitized for the next time..and the time after that..and the time after that...

[FelicityShot]

OK I may be being silly here, and the harshness at the OP has run riot because she/he is a known troll.

 

That aside, non-trolls in similar circumstances may read the advice.

 

In summary, the main advice to this person (or troll...) is to distrust her new partner to the full, because he has been a serial cheater.

 

In evaluating this advice, I am thinking about agendas and evidence for viewpoints in how far I take it seriously.

 

I think the points that were raised - serial vs unhappy therefore searching till the thing broke - both work hypothetically. I agree with trinity here. You can't discount a new start based on truth rather than faking.

 

I would hope for the poster that it's a new and positive start - but more jaded/realistic posters would disagree.

 

OP is clearly not jaded.

 

I cannot see why AN other poster would advise someone that the kids would always hate the new/OW in this scenario, unless they are bitter or wishing to cause distress to OP. (Readers who are not trolls please note...)

 

In summary, the vast majority of responses here seem to be perjorative to OP's state of mind simply because she is in a new and possibly shaky R (of a kind those posters feel negative about).

 

And in direct response to OP's question, I think yes. Your new man will bounce around all over the place with regard to sorting out his new life - and that will have an effect on how much care he can show to you at this time. It's an added tension, but a fundamentally good R would ride that.

Edited August 22, 2012 by FelicityShot

[nofool4u]

Some of you know my story so I won't get into it other than to say that my MM was a serial cheat in his marriage which is now heading to divorce.

 

He is very firm that he will not cheat on me, that he cheated on his wife because he was unhappy.

 

Give it time. If he winds up with you, he won't be happy for long. He'll get bored with the lack of conquest or sneaking around.

 

 

But he argues with her a lot. It's about the settlement between them and she is trying to take a lot of his money.

 

And she deserves it.

[rosieisblue]

I've been accused of being a troll. I've been accused of being the wife. I've been accused of being stupid.

 

You know what? I'm just a 26 year old girl who is in love and knows that I'm with a man who has done bad in his life but I really think he loves me and I'm going to see what happens. I meet both kids this weekend. We are talking about moving in together. I think I'm going to be happy in the end and I am willing to find out. I'm young and I've got time to see if it can work. He's worht it. He loves me. His wife is pushing hard for the divorce and as soon as they agree on a settlement it will be over. And we can focus on us and not the rest of the stuff. His kids are accepting that I am his girlfriend and are not worried about meeting me. They don't seem to care about any of it anymore. No one does. So we can now be together without all that baggage.

Edited August 23, 2012 by rosieisblue

[rosieisblue]

The vast majority of responses are pejorative because, as the OP stated, this is a SERIAL CHEATER.

 

Correction: he WAS a serial cheater. He is now with me and is devoted to me. He loves me so much and tells me all the time how much. He spends all his time with me. We work together, we see each other after work unless he's with his children and now that I'm going to meet them we are going to move to the next stage of making a home together. It won't be easy but it will work. We love each other and he wants no one but me.