Broken hearted & don't feel like I can go on..

[Vikki_26]

Still not been able to stop thinking about him. And viewing his profile on sites. Doesnt help that my mum keeps saying that he will change his mind in a few weeks time. I know he might just regret it, he often regrets things, but then maybe not. I just know we were meant to be together.

[Vikki_26]

Why is the pain and thoughts always worse in the morning when I wake up?

 

Thoughts get a bit bad at night too but mostly in the morning.

 

I still cant stop checking this other forum he goes on to see when the last time he was online, its like I feel closer to him knowing if his online right now.

 

I certainly feel right now that I won't be contacting him, no point, I did the begging, pleading etc. I want him to miss me now, and regret and want me back. But I dont think he will want me back, his pretty strong and has good support from family and his therapist.

 

My brain still keeps trying to trick me for hope though. I wish it would bugger off!! I keep hearing his say that he loves me, but if he got back with me now it would be a moment of weakness. And that although he misses and loves me it isnt as much as he should. He said he did know that strong feeling as he had it with me, just not any more. That our arguments have killed that. He wanted to be friends but as I already know, thats a no go with the rules on here and wont help me heal.

 

Its so odd, as every time he gets a new car, its like he falls in love with that and dumps me, as his done this before. But its only lasted a few days and his begged for me back. When I asked him if he would ever change his mind he said if he did he would contact me. And he doesnt know when that could be and that if I found someone else he would happy. How can someone hug me and say how happy he is and how much he loves me and cant wait to marry me then the next day we fall out over something silly and then he dumps me. ;-(

[Hornachero]

Hi Vikki,

 

Mornings are the hardest for sure! Quite frankly, I don't know what I would have done without this forum. Hearing different perspectives from different people give me the energy to start my day. I also go on inspirational blogs for an hour or two every morning (I am a student so I can afford it) and it is usually enough to give me that little boost that I need to get out of my bed. The rest of the day is usually easier (unless I stay on my own which I am avoiding as much as I can).

 

Now, I won't be able to say anything new regarding the pain that you are experiencing right now: it's awful but normal. It sucks big time but we will all get over it in due time (hopefully, sooner than later). The text you sent your ex was very brave and you should be proud of yourself. I for one haven't mustered the courage to do it and you should really feel good about yourself.

 

Hang in there

[Vikki_26]

Thanks for your reply. Just been reading some of our old MSN conversations and it makes me think omg his actually a fruit loop. lol picking fights with me,.. starting to think I may have had a lucky escape? But id love to know what others think of it, may show my sister next times shes around or if you guys want to see. Maybe shed some light. Starting to think how he treated me is the reason why I have become depressed.

[Hornachero]

Sure! Do share. Sometimes, it is good to have some perspective from neutral folks

[Vikki_26]

His not been online on his car forum like he usually is during th day or tonight. It posted anything since I said no contact. Maybe finally his finding things hard! I wish I knew what he was up too though!

[Drseussgrrl]

Just a question. How many times are you going to let this guy dump you before you tell him to screw off?

[Vikki_26]

I know what your saying. I guess I never would although last time he did it he promised he never would again that was May 2011. He then asked to marry me November 11. Now his done it again. A year and abit later. He has obsessive compulsive disorder which strives on perfection and is on antidepressants. None of this helps I don't think. Just love and miss him so much. And he l knows that.

[Drseussgrrl]

Let me ask you something. Would you EVER dream of dumping him? And risk losing him forever?

 

Of course you wouldn't. Because you love him. He, on the other hand, obviously does not feel the same way.

 

Are you ok with this? His constantly breaking your heart and his knowing you'll be right there waiting if and when he changes his mind about you?

 

Please tell me you value yourself more than this.

[Vikki_26]

Let me ask you something. Would you EVER dream of dumping him? And risk losing him forever?

 

Of course you wouldn't. Because you love him. He, on the other hand, obviously does not feel the same way.

 

Are you ok with this? His constantly breaking your heart and his knowing you'll be right there waiting if and when he changes his mind about you?

 

Please tell me you value yourself more than this.

 

No I wouldn't ever dump him because of that your right. He says he loves me but not enough and what I deserve he said our arguments have destroyed this. Yes we bickered and things have been stressful for awhile with his mum getting over cancer and myself dealing with work issues and turns out I am depressed too. To be honest we have always argued but always made it up. We have never seen eye to eye. It was odd the more time we spent together the less we argued. The less time we spent the more we argued.

 

I guess I always hold out hope that yes he will come back, realise what he lost and never want to leave me again. And I am booked in to see a therapist on Tuesday so I would improve the way I am too. As I know the way I have been no one would want to be with me. But then I do think if he loved me enough he would stay with me no matter how I was. But he says of course not.

 

I dont have much self confidence at all and guess no self value, I don't believe I will ever find someone so special as him. I miss him and his family so much.

 

I have no friends apart from facebook ones with part of my car club. I just have no exciting life anymore like I had with him. One thing I dont miss though is that dread awful feeling how he did sulk, and how he would treat me so horrible in an argument. I dont miss those moments at all.

 

A tiny part of me does think if I can get out of this dark whole I am in I just might think thank god that I was out of this. To not have such heated arguments where he got a knife out to self harm infront of me. When I begged him not to. For us not to argue and him storm off in my car. For him not to try and jump out the car whilst arguing with me as i am driving along.

 

I never had such a rocky up and down relationship like I did with David with my previous partner.

[Vikki_26]

Just had this text sent from him to me. Not going to reply. Terrible news though about our friend Jo... But did he really need to text me that? What's going on here?

 

Jo's mum has died while they are down in Dorset. Margaret told Elaine. Sorry to text you but thought you'd like to know. Hope you're ok, I wouldn't say anything to her as no ones meant to know x

[Vikki_26]

Anyone have any views in this?

[Vikki_26]

Why have I now got hope? I dont want hope.. why did he have to text me!!

[sandflea]

Why have I now got hope? I dont want hope.. why did he have to text me!!

 

Come on now. Hope for your future, not your past...

[Vikki_26]

Hope for what though, he was my hope and all my future. I was supposed to be shopping for a wedding dress yesterday ;-( I havent stepped out the house barely in the last 19 days!

[Hornachero]

Hey Vikki,

 

Do not contact him at all! Hearing his voice/seeing him will make you feel so, so bad! If he wants something serious from you (and by serious, I mean positive), he will make it clear to you! Do not put yourself in an unnecessary vulnerable situation when you have been through so much pain already!!!

[Vikki_26]

Thanks for that, just hearing that makes sense and I wont. You guys are really great, give me the strength. Today has been pretty hard, I think its because the text he gave me false hope. So set me back a bit.

[head/heels]

Vicki,

 

It sounds like you two had a very powerful but very unhealthy relationship. I was coming on here to post on my recent breakup and came across your thread and started reading it in full. It is heartbreaking. I have now been on both ends (being broken up with and breaking up with her just in similar fashion as your ex). Reading your posts and my past has helped me realize that when one person is deeply into another and gets dumped they will rationalize everything because they think that their love is strong enough to hold out and then the person will realize that they made a mistake....

.

I held out for years (and probably not healed completely to this day but I am working on it like you) that she would come back and see the error in her ways because I did everything in my power to love her as completely as possible. But guess what, she never came back and never returned my texts/phone calls after the first month or so. So, out of both choice and no other option I went NC and got on with my life....

.

However, I did not heal from this devastation and instead 5 months later found someone that I was only mildly attracted to and went on to date her for the next 5-7 years (because I so wanted to love her like she loved me since she is a wonderful and amazing person) but did so only half-heartedly and it has now ruined both of our lives and each of our future dreams with each other. I say this not to hijack your thread but to warn you in advance to not take the time to fully heal yourself and mess up in the future with someone who is the most amazing, whole, loving and caring person you will ever meet.

.

Get the professional help you need, do not think down about yourself as you do get the chance (albeit in the future) to love and be loved by someone equally and with someone that is mentally stable. You do not see this now but it is the best thing that has ever happened to you! When I was off again and on again with my ex-gf an aquaintance of mine who did not know my ex told me "congratulations" after I told him that I have broken up with my gf... I looked at him completely baffled and I sense that he noticed this as he immediately told me that a long time ago someone had told him never to say "I am so sorry" or "I feel bad for you, hang in there" etc...but instead say congratulations as you (and the other bf or gf) will now have a chance to be TRULY HAPPY.

.

I think of that when I am down and missing her company, advice, love immensely and it helps. Another thing, have you ever heard of HALT? Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired....These are things as a down and depressed person you want to avoid at all costs....These are some (not all) of the triggers for feeling much worse about your plight than you can handle. I recently realized this after I didnt sleep well for a night after a test I had to take. I had 2 nights in a row where I slept for 4hr and 2hrs respectively and when I awoke that 2nd day I was a mess and wanted more than anything to call my ex and do anything to get back with her. Luckily, this time I call my Mom and she noticed right away that I was all 4 things above (Hungry, not eating much over those 2 days and lost about 2-3lbs, Angry, at the Lord for not letting me love her like we both needed and not letting me see past her outward appearance so that I could truly love her, Lonely as I am in a new city and I have, like you, only distant friends who live out of the area or are married with children and a life, and Tired, obviously as I had no sleep).

.

I am very depressed like you and I did the breaking up. I was however, terribly anxious and depressed in the relationship the last few months and thus I know that no matter how bad I feel about myself for causing her such pain and for not feeling like I am not a strong enough person to love someone for their insides that I have to go through this pain in order to get to something better one day. And she (you) needs that too.

.

Right now it feels like your world is over and you have nothing to live for but believe me this gets better. I was in this same feeling when my first ex blindsided me and I was bedbound for the first 1-2months....But within 5 months I met the most amazing person I have ever met and I let my past hold me back from a love that would have lasted a lifetime. Please get help and heal yourself before starting another relationship and realize that he is toxic to you and his mental instability is a danger to your mental instability at this point.

.

Fight tooth and nail to talk to old friends, therapists, family, on here...etc... You need support as, like anyone, we are not used to going through this heartbreak. No one is. Everyone hurts when they are broken up with or when they do the breaking up (at least in my case). It happens so seldomly that we are not practiced in what to do and how to handle it. Thus, cut yourself some slack and know that you are worth another person's love and that you now need to love yourself enough to get yourself help and be truly happy with your who you are so that if and when the most amazing person pops up you are ready to love the F*%& out of em and experience a lifetime of happiness.

.

Now, I will read this post to myself each morning so as to tell myself the same thing as I have found from both experience and being on here that everyone offers you great advice but I (you) fail to take it and listen and do the things that are proposed. It just goes with being down emotionally, irrational, thinking in black/white, all or nothing stinking thinking (as Joyce Meyers, a spiritual preacher who had a terrible childhood/young adulthood and is now happy says). I know that right now even if it was in the cards for me to be back with my ex, I would not be able to change my feelings since I have not done anything to change myself. So you (and I) need to work on ourselves and let our exes go and forget about what they are doing or might be thinking as this only puts us back to depression. Get outside of your house 1 time daily and do 1 thing daily that puts a smile on your face or the face of another. And with time, support and a higher power of your choosing you will realize you are a worthy human being who like all people make big and little mistakes and you will continue to do so but will learn from these past big mistakes and also will learn what you truly want and need out of life and a partner.

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also, if you every think of hurting yourself/killing yourself call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to reach a specialist in crisis intervention/depression/suicide. Also, I am not on here alot but PM me anytime you need to vent, question, worry, fear, or want to call him and beg him back. This is a strong community and helped me through my first big breakup (when I was dumped) and now I am back to see if I can both help and be helped again. God bless you and him as well in this trying matter of the heart.

[Vikki_26]

Thank you for your reply, I will keep reading that.

 

Why do I do this to myself though? I just checked his Flickr account and there is loads of pictures of his car in Oxford and all over the place. Makes me feel so jealous and hurt. He must have stayed the night there as Oxfords about 1 hour 30 mins away and some pictures were taken yesterday and today. Who knows he could have even gone to meet someone off a dating site. Or just gone for a drive, ill never know but it just kills me inside. Makes me jealous his getting on with his life and I just dont have the ideas like he has to go and do things, or the funds as he does. I wish I could block the site I keep looking at, but dont think thats possible. Hurts inside so much ;-(

[Vikki_26]

Finding it soo hard tonight, just so desperate to ask a mutual friend if his put anything on fb what his up to. Just want to know what his been up to. Miss him so much. Cant see any light at the end of this. So sick of this all! I actually hate him for what his done, but also still love him. I just want a time machine to go back to when he was mine and me to make things better.

[Vikki_26]

Hurting so much now, just read his post on his forum about his trip he had away this weekend on his own. What an 'awesome' trip his had. He has so much confidence and just so many ideas for trips away, he went away this weekend. Ive been stuck in moping for him. He will never come back and I dont think I could allow him to. I am so hurt its unreal. Feeling sick, hot and just cant cope anymore. I wish I had friends, and ideas like he has to do things. Everyones going to know he was always the brain behind our trips now, as his going on them now.

[sam2012]

HI Vikki

This is the first time I have posted to try to help somebody else here, so bear with me!

 

 

Reading your last 2 post really made me feel for you.

 

 

Wish I could offer some advice but I’m here myself looking for advice on the same issues so don’t have any to give… Luckily there are a lot of people on here that do though.

 

 

 

I hate the idea of the ex meeting someone else online and then meeting them in person so I am right there with you!

 

 

I don’t have any friends in my town either.. Nor do I have exciting ideas on trips away etc. I too barely leave the house.

 

 

 

I’ve spent the day watching marathons of 2 and a half men and friends. It’s probably not a great comfort to you but it has helped me a little (in fact I’m a little worried about saying that in case I jinx it and it stops taking my mind off her). I know this isn't going t solve much, but just for today, it takes my mind of things, for that little bit.

Edited August 19, 2012 by sam2012

[Vikki_26]

Hi Sam, thanks for your reply. I feel so lonely its nice just to talk to someone. I hate the way his getting on with his life so easy, I really hope he falls hard on his arse. As its a lazy one, his never worked since Ive known him due to his issues. I paid for so much. His brand new car was bought for him, his never worked and turns 28 next month. I actually hate him so much right now, maybe thats a good thing? Might help me move on. I hate him for just dropping me and I hate myself for devoting all my hours helping him through his OCD. Helping him through his dark days. I am just desperate for love. I want someone to hug and who hugs me back. To make me feel like the only girl in the world. He did at times but treated me like crap quite a lot. Yet I still love and miss him!

 

I feel I need to stop the temptation of looking at these two sites. How? Any tips as its making me like this!

Edited August 19, 2012 by Vikki_26

[Sav]

Hurting so much now, just read his post on his forum about his trip he had away this weekend on his own. What an 'awesome' trip his had. He has so much confidence and just so many ideas for trips away, he went away this weekend. Ive been stuck in moping for him. He will never come back and I dont think I could allow him to. I am so hurt its unreal. Feeling sick, hot and just cant cope anymore. I wish I had friends, and ideas like he has to do things. Everyones going to know he was always the brain behind our trips now, as his going on them now.

 

Sigh Vikki. Stop going on to read his posts or go see his car's pictures. It WILL NOT do you any good. I know how you feel, trust me, I do. But give yourself a period of time to mourn and get up on your two feet again. I mourned my loss for a week and a half and I hauled myself up. I will tell you now, I still have my bad days, but I'm better than when I was a sobbing mess that's for sure.

 

Trust me on this. People can only help you so far. The rest is entirely UP TO YOU. Get yourself up and go do something, anything. Get out of the house. I feel like crap when I'm at home, but once I get out, I feel so much better. Try it.

 

Breakups happen for a reason. No matter how big or how small there is a reason. Now, both sides are at fault in a breakup. So the thing is focus on yourself and improve so you will not make the same mistakes in your future relationship (Yes you will have another man in your life).

 

(P.s I regretted mourning for the 1.5weeks, it was a complete waste of time)

[sam2012]

Yeah I know what you mean. Being alone in my flat with nobody to talk just allows my brain to go crazy with thought. What ifs/what did I do?/why?/ what’s she doing, who’s she with etc.

 

 

 

It sounds like you really tried to help him and he just took you for granted badly. But I’m sure like you say, he will fall on his arse sooner or later. Sounds like he can’t stand on his own 2 feet at all.

 

 

It’s gotta be good that you hate him. I’m sure everyone here will tell you to keep thinking of the reasons you hate him as much as possible. Actually they will probably tell you to think of something else… but still, hating has to be better than wanting to be back with him, at least for the time being?