am I being a jealous/controlling/paranoid boyfriend?

[iversonis]

GF pretty clearly has a work spouse. goes out with this guy a lot on the weekends (in a group) and seems to text/email a lot (have seen nothing incriminating, but lots of non-work related friendly banter). we're in a LDR at the moment so I'm not there a lot of the time. he's 6 years older then her and working out of her office on a 6 month assignment. good looking dude, foreign, tall.

 

there was an issue a few months ago where they were out dancing while I was away and one of my GFs friends intervened and said that the dancing was not something iversonis (me) would be ok with, causing a fight between GF and her friend. GF told me that they fought for a different reason, but then I overheard her telling her roommate what had really happened the next day. I confronted my GF, who was very apologetic for lying (said she would have told me the truth that day, but was drunk and tired before), but said the dancing was totally kosher/appropriate/just going out with friends. this is what she had told her roommate (that I had overheard), and her friend apologized, so I believe her for the most part.

 

now two pictures, about a 2 weeks apart, are up on facebook, of this guy with his arm around my GF. one is taken at a club, the other is at a concert and was just posted today. in theory, there is nothing wrong about these photos (ie, just two friends taking a snapshot together), but its making me insanely jealous and angry right now to see them together like that, especially given the history with this guy.

 

there are two other issues giving me pause. the first is that about 8 months ago, she got really drunk at a work training event and said some guy kissed her (she did not kiss back) and she pushed him away after 10-30 seconds. said it was totally unexpected and she did not want it at all, and confessed it all right away.

 

the second was that when she first started her new job, she sort of had a different work spouse, with whom she hung out with a lot, did stuff on the weekends together, etc (including some questionable **** like going ice skating alone together after work, going to the beach with one other couple...). said she had no feelings for this guy at all but then found out from multiple other co-workers that he had a thing for her. she did not cut off contact completely with this guy but they hardly talk anymore.

 

GF is otherwise great and seems very committed to our relationship. says she loves me and only me. when she wanted to go see a movie with the current work spouse possibly alone, and I said I was very uncomfortable with that, she said there was absolutely nothing to worry about, that she did not think of him in that way at all, and she had lots of male friends that were just that, nothing more then male friends.

 

is this legit, or is she playing me? I can't tell if I'm being a psychotic controlling boyfriend or what, but my blood boiled when I saw this new facebook photo of this dude with his arm around her. I don't want to cause a bunch of relationship drama or come off as insecure, but I feel like I should confront her over the photos and tell her that given her history with this guy, that her relationship with him really bothers me. I don't want to tell her she can't hang out with certain people, because I don't want to be controlling or push her away, but this has been all I've been able to focus on today. not sure what I'd want her to do or change....

 

am I overreacting or what? is it ok for a highly extroverted girl to have lots of platonic male friends that she hangs out with while in a LDR? should I worry, or is my insecurity here totally unjustified?

 

looking any input, especially from other females. thanks.

[Plan 9 from OS]

"When you're not with the one you love, then love the one you're with"... CSN

 

What do YOU think is going on? Reread your post and think about this objectively and with honesty.

[pteromom]

is it ok for a highly extroverted girl to have lots of platonic male friends that she hangs out with while in a LDR?

 

Yes, it is.

 

But - the kissing incident concerns me.

 

As does the fact that she's friends with this "work spouse" but doesn't bring you into the friendship. If they are truly just friends, she will have no issue with you getting to know him and becoming his friend as well.

 

Maybe see if her work spouse wants to bring a date to movie night, and make a double-date out of it instead of her going with him alone. Or maybe see if she has some other idea to have the two of you meet.

 

If she doesn't want you meeting him, that's a reason for concern - either something is going on, or she doesn't feel confident enough in your relationship's future to introduce you to friends.

[iversonis]

thanks for the responses everyone.

 

What do YOU think is going on? Reread your post and think about this objectively and with honesty.

 

well, to be honest I don't think anything is actually going on. my GF's mother cheated on her father and she is very anti-cheating. she's generally been very honest and forthright with me. and we've been together over 3 years, the vast majority of which has been very good. we still have a good connection, good sex life, and get along very well together.

 

I feel that since she's started her new job, she's developed a whole new active social life, and I think I feel threatened by that, especially as I'm not in town very often. I never used to feel this way. but I do believe her that she has no feelings for this guy at all or any desire or intention to cheat or end our relationship.

 

I know objectively there are many bad signs, but I honestly think she's just a very social person. but even so, all of this, especially the new facebook photos, really bothers me. I don't want to push her away though....

 

I really don't have to read you OP, so I didn't.. just find the ROOT of your feelings. What is making you insecure? what do you fear? Do you have an actual reason to fear it? Questions such as these will help you get to the root, and hopefully it will curb whatever actions that can be considered "controlling/paranoid".

 

as noted above, I think the root is just my general insecurity. I'm not sure if its well founded though, as I really don't think she has it in her to cheat or is cheating. my fear is that I'll loose this amazing girl, who really is such a great catch for me. which is why I am confused and posted here - I'm not sure if I'm being overly jealous or if my feelings are justified.

 

But - the kissing incident concerns me.

 

As does the fact that she's friends with this "work spouse" but doesn't bring you into the friendship. If they are truly just friends, she will have no issue with you getting to know him and becoming his friend as well.

 

Maybe see if her work spouse wants to bring a date to movie night, and make a double-date out of it instead of her going with him alone. Or maybe see if she has some other idea to have the two of you meet.

 

If she doesn't want you meeting him, that's a reason for concern - either something is going on, or she doesn't feel confident enough in your relationship's future to introduce you to friends.

 

the kissing incident concerned me a lot as well. we were literally 12,000 miles apart at that time (she was at a training, I was abroad), so it was especially hard. her training was 3 weeks, and they were all getting absolutely wasted every night. she said this guy just kissed her totally out of nowhere, and it took her 10-30 seconds to realize what was happening and push him away. she told me about the incident the very next day and was extremely apologetic and sad and said she had not been looking for it or wanted it at all. she's a very social person so she gets herself into these situations.... anyways because she told me so soon and was so open, I believe her for the most part.

 

re brining me into the friendship, I don't think she is trying to hide it or him from me. she's open about telling me when they do things together, its just I'm not in town very much at the moment.

 

like I said, I don't think she's cheating, but I am made uncomfortable regardless by her behavior with other guys. should I say something or would that come off as overbearing given the circumstances? I mean, this was a guy she was dancing at a club with, to the point where her friend felt she needed to intervene to say it was not something her boyfriend would be ok with (GF says her friend was totally out of line but who knows the truth?).

[Plan 9 from OS]

I think she is dating around and may be having sex with other men. However, if she is remaining "faithful" to you, then she has extremely low boundaries. When you say work spouse, I assume you are referring to a male co-worker that is inseparable from your GF who hang out not only at work but in all sorts of other places outside of work. At a minimum, she is having what I would consider an emotional affair. Couples dancing and going to the beach together with a couple and thus acting like a couple? In my mind this all points to an emotional affair and she is getting most of her emotional needs fulfilled by this "work spouse". That's my opinion and I could be wrong. However, you cannot deny that she has pi$$ poor boundaries and that is a gateway to becoming a cheater in my book.