Afraid of Change

[venusianx13]

My boyfriend hasn't proposed yet, but he seems to be preparing to... he's brought up things recently, such as: "How should I rearrange the house for 3 people?" And, "Do you think the house is safe for a 7 year old?" (in regards to my son.) Also, "Do you want more children?" and "Who would our wedding party consist of?"

 

My family has been telling me for a while now that he's going to ask me to marry him; I knew it, too, and I'm very happy that all of this is happening, except that I am terrified. When he initiates these talks, I become very, very anxious. Probably because all I am accustomed to is failed relationships and betrayal. I love him, he is my best friend, and he is absolutely amazing with my son. He is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.

 

I'm coming from a situation where I had a child with my ex-fiance, my ex-fiance developed a drug habit, and I left with the baby and went back to stay with my parents. It made the most sense, since the school districts are great and it is a very stable household for him (not so with his father's place), and even though I work full time, it's still a struggle for me to make ends meet (his dad has been consistently unemployed until recently). It's had its challenges, but the arrangement has worked well for the most part. Once I do get married, my son will have to change schools and will be with us most of the time. My son loves my boyfriend and is a very good role model for him, but I'm afraid of how this change is going to affect my son since he has only known stability in living with me and his grandparents for the past 6 years. I am also afraid of having to burden my partner with the challenges of caring for a child who is not his own. My son is not a bad child, but because of the circumstances with his father, things have not always been easy. We are on different pages (his dad and me) in regards to discipline, diet, etc., which I am currently trying to address with him.

 

If any single parents out there reading this have remarried, do you have any advice for me? This will be a good change, but it will be a challenge, and I'm honestly scared to death to screw it up. I want to make things as easy going as possible for everyone involved. Advice appreciated.

Edited August 13, 2012 by venusianx13

[Radu]

Yeah, i have nothing to sell.

 

Do you love this guy ?

Is he good for you and your son ?

Do you want to marry him if he proposes ?

 

If all these are 'yes', i suggest you ask him to understand you want an ... extended engagement, as you need to take things slow. It stands to reason, you want to ease your son into this new element and there is a disruptive element in his life as well [his dad].

Maybe he will understand.

 

Have you also considered the fact that if you guys do become a family, and you two have more kids, the same standards need to be applied to both your son and your future kids ?

I mention this because single mothers are kinda notorius for not allowing their boyfriends/fiances/new husbands be an authority figure in their kids lifes.

In a way they see their kid/kids previous the relationship as 'theirs'.

 

I think this is more important, and your bf needs to be eased into this role by you, so that both your son and your bf can end up respecting each other.

 

There's nothing worse than a family that goes into 2 gears.

The kids before the marriage, of who one is not allowed to stepparent, and the couple's kids who both can stepparent.