Is there any connection between abuse and sex?

[Ska]

My dad's beat my mom for years since they started dating. I've noticed almost evey time after they end up sleeping together.

 

He beat me up on my 15th birthday after I stood up for her. They left me on the ground and went upstairs and sure enough I could hear them. I've seen him slap her then almost immediately after see her start to rub up on him.

 

Is there a link between the two?

[yessy21]

oh. Masochist. I bet it turns him on. yea. Get away from these people.

[Ska]

oh. Masochist. I bet it turns him on. yea. Get away from these people.

 

I have, I was just wondering about it, I've seen them both do it, but more so her...

[Hawaii50]

hellacious* acts followed by hellacious make-up sex?! jebus, that's an unhealthy environment SKA, do not perpetuate that, buddy. pleasepleaseplease.

 

I think sometimes people have these amazing sparks of passion, but neither the mind or patience that that sort of love entails. Live in love, and that is not love. no physical or verbial abuse it. they're acting very carnally.

[pteromom]

My dad's beat my mom for years since they started dating. I've noticed almost evey time after they end up sleeping together.

 

He beat me up on my 15th birthday after I stood up for her. They left me on the ground and went upstairs and sure enough I could hear them. I've seen him slap her then almost immediately after see her start to rub up on him.

 

Is there a link between the two?

 

Yes. Your mom is likely using sex as a way to calm your dad. If she is loving on him, he's not abusive and it reduces his stress and keeps him from doing it as often. It's like constantly having to diffuse a bomb.

 

I am sorry for your mom (and you) that you have to live with this abuse.

[Ska]

hellacious* acts followed by hellacious make-up sex?! jebus, that's an unhealthy environment SKA, do not perpetuate that, buddy. pleasepleaseplease.

 

I think sometimes people have these amazing sparks of passion, but neither the mind or patience that that sort of love entails. Live in love, and that is not love. no physical or verbial abuse it. they're acting very carnally.

 

Yea, I know it's messed up. I've never understood why she does that

[Hawaii50]

Pteromom brings up a very valid point about diffusing him

[Ska]

Yes. Your mom is likely using sex as a way to calm your dad. If she is loving on him, he's not abusive and it reduces his stress and keeps him from doing it as often. It's like constantly having to diffuse a bomb.

 

I am sorry for your mom (and you) that you have to live with this abuse.

 

I've never thought about it like that before.

 

I don't have to live with it anymore, I moved out 4 years ago, two days after my 18th birthday.

[pteromom]

I don't have to live with it anymore, I moved out 4 years ago, two days after my 18th birthday.

 

I'm glad. Take care in the men you choose.

 

I am from an abusive background, and I thought I finally got smart about the type of man to choose, but turns out I STILL picked an abuser (verbal only, but still....)

 

After much reading, I know what to look for if I ever find myself single again, and it comes down to one word.

 

Respect.

 

If someone respects your opinions, respects your choices, and respects your boundaries, it is likely they are coming from a "reality two" perspective (see below).

 

But if he is trying to control what you do, say, or think in ANY WAY, or trying to force his will upon you in ANY WAY, he is likely a "reality one" person and is a possible abuser.

 

Learn this and live it now, and you'll save yourself years of heartache. Good luck!

 

[FONT=trebuchet ms, arial, helvetica]In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans proposes two distinct realities that abusers and their victims experience. People in Reality 1 experience every situation, conversation, or interaction as having a winner and a loser. There is nothing in between; therefore, if you are not clearly the winner (being dominant) you must have lost. To lose is to be powerless and weak, a terrible feeling to be avoided at all cost. Reality 1 people have learned that life is this way at the hands of Reality 1 parents or caretakers. Since no one stepped up to say that this was wrong, long standing anger and resentment have hidden inside, only to resurface years later when the now grown individual has power over others, usually women or children. Unfortunately, this prevents real relationships.

 

 

The other reality, referred to as Reality 2, requires connection to feelings. Feelings are used to know who we are, what is important, and what we need. Reality 2 people have personal power and expect everyone else to have personal power as well. In Reality 2, mutuality is the name of the game. Cooperation in a mutually created win-win world is the primary goal.

 

 

In order to have a Reality 2 relationship, both people must want it that way. If one person lives in a Reality 1 world, mutuality is impossible. Living in Reality 2 requires high levels of self-esteem and high levels of trust. It requires connection with feelings, also known as emotional intelligence.

 

[/FONT]

[dreamingoftigers]

My aunt phrased it best: often people involved in abuse confuse it for passion.

[Ska]

I'm glad. Take care in the men you choose.

 

I am from an abusive background, and I thought I finally got smart about the type of man to choose, but turns out I STILL picked an abuser (verbal only, but still....)

 

After much reading, I know what to look for if I ever find myself single again, and it comes down to one word.

 

Respect.

 

If someone respects your opinions, respects your choices, and respects your boundaries, it is likely they are coming from a "reality two" perspective (see below).

 

But if he is trying to control what you do, say, or think in ANY WAY, or trying to force his will upon you in ANY WAY, he is likely a "reality one" person and is a possible abuser.

 

Learn this and live it now, and you'll save yourself years of heartache. Good luck!

 

[FONT=trebuchet ms, arial, helvetica]In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans proposes two distinct realities that abusers and their victims experience. People in Reality 1 experience every situation, conversation, or interaction as having a winner and a loser. There is nothing in between; therefore, if you are not clearly the winner (being dominant) you must have lost. To lose is to be powerless and weak, a terrible feeling to be avoided at all cost. Reality 1 people have learned that life is this way at the hands of Reality 1 parents or caretakers. Since no one stepped up to say that this was wrong, long standing anger and resentment have hidden inside, only to resurface years later when the now grown individual has power over others, usually women or children. Unfortunately, this prevents real relationships.

 

 

The other reality, referred to as Reality 2, requires connection to feelings. Feelings are used to know who we are, what is important, and what we need. Reality 2 people have personal power and expect everyone else to have personal power as well. In Reality 2, mutuality is the name of the game. Cooperation in a mutually created win-win world is the primary goal.

 

 

In order to have a Reality 2 relationship, both people must want it that way. If one person lives in a Reality 1 world, mutuality is impossible. Living in Reality 2 requires high levels of self-esteem and high levels of trust. It requires connection with feelings, also known as emotional intelligence.

 

[/FONT]

 

I'm a guy, but its cool

[dreamingoftigers]

My aunt phrased it best: often people involved in abuse confuse it for passion.

 

It also tells your mother in a weird, weird way, " see he loves me, he's just emotional and can't control it."

 

I once, a long time ago thought the same thing about sex in my own marriage (I don't have other issues in line with your mother's though).

[Ska]

I've always kinda thought that it's her way of showing him how loyal she is to him. She can leave her son in a pool of blood in order to go do that with him. In her words "he'll always come first"

 

Is that normal for abuse victims?

[dreamingoftigers]

It's normal for chronic co-dependents.

 

That's a little different.

 

Being a victim of abuse and a codependent are two different things.

 

One can be a victim of abuse and say "fhuck this, I'm not enabling this crap"

 

And a codependent (less severe on the spectrum) may not be a victim of physical etc. abuse

 

But a codependent can easily fall into the trap of being abused and "needing" their partner for their own validation.

 

It seems that she "needed" to be his wife more than she "needed" to be your mother.

[shayla]

My ex husband used to force me to have sex with him after he beat me up, in order to further cause me suffering and humiliation. And if I didn't act like I liked it, he'd punch me some more, and there I would be, battered and bleeding while he is on top of me trying his best to hurt me as much as possible....God I wanted to die.

[dreamingoftigers]

My ex husband used to force me to have sex with him after he beat me up, in order to further cause me suffering and humiliation. And if I didn't act like I liked it, he'd punch me some more, and there I would be, battered and bleeding while he is on top of me trying his best to hurt me as much as possible....God I wanted to die.

 

That's another level of brutality entirely.

 

That must've been beyond horrific.

Terrible. Good thing you are out of there.

 

Hopefully you've been able to recover as much as possible.

I don't know what I'd wish for someone like him, (only because i cant readily think of an equivalent) but it wouldn't be pleasant.

[M30USA]

My aunt phrased it best: often people involved in abuse confuse it for passion.

 

Ouch. My STBXW said something to a similar effect: anger and rage is a sign that a person feels intense love for you. Stupid me...I actually believed it.

 

My STBXW did things that I now consider to be sexual abuse, but I didn't realize at the time since she was warping my mind. If I was sick or tired and couldn't have sex, she would keep getting pissed off at me and eventually I had to leave the bed either because she forced me to or I couldn't stand it anymore; afterwhich she would come downstairs, wake me up on the couch and tell me to come back up...and the whole cycle would repeat up to a few times per night. I couldn't just "be a man" and put her in her place because that would result in no sleep when I had to get up at 5am. It was less miserable to just go along with her crap. What insanity. I partly blame myself now for being a part of it. And here's the kicker: she tried to pin me in family court for something like sexual abuse--said I got angry when she didn't have sex with me. Funny, lol, I was the level-headed one when I was refused. What a raving projector.

Edited August 15, 2012 by M30USA

[dreamingoftigers]

In the DV course I took, it talked a lot about pushing the other partner to have sex and how destructive that is. Also abusers seem to need it as a validation that they are still loved and often think it wipes the slate clean and that everything's okay.

 

Btw, is there's a man-to-woman post fight sex going on, 90% of the time women just go along with it and aren't really into "make-up sex."

 

I personally don't have a preference, but that's what the DV course said.

 

Ouch. My STBXW said something to a similar effect: anger and rage is a sign that a person feels intense love for you. Stupid me...I actually believed it.

 

My STBXW did things that I now consider to be sexual abuse, but I didn't realize at the time since she was warping my mind. If I was sick or tired and couldn't have sex, she would keep getting pissed off at me and eventually I had to leave the bed either because she forced me to or I couldn't stand it anymore; afterwhich she would come downstairs, wake me up on the couch and tell me to come back up...and the whole cycle would repeat up to a few times per night. I couldn't just "be a man" and put her in her place because that would result in no sleep when I had to get up at 5am. It was less miserable to just go along with her crap. What insanity. I partly blame myself now for being a part of it. And here's the kicker: she tried to pin me in family court for something like sexual abuse--said I got angry when she didn't have sex with me. Funny, lol, I was the level-headed one when I was refused. What a raving projector.

[seren]

M30USA, sadly, abuse by women towards men doesn't get the same publicity, understanding or support. Many men suffer in silence as they don't believe it is happening to others and few report it, it is often only when they lash out in return that the abusive female turns the tables and blames the man. The man is then usually prosecuted. I worked with survivors of rape and SA and it was always the men who found it harder to talk about it, there was a stigma attached to it that many women didn't show. Many would say, you were bigger, stronger, you could have physically prevented it, but that undermines the mental abuse and the conditioning that abusers exert over their victims. It needs to change.

 

Many abusers make their victims feel they are worthless and that any attention is a sign of affection. It is destructive, but until the victim is on the path of being a survivor, they will not recognise it, will feel worthless, and that they deserve the abuse, as someone else said, they will also feign affection in a frantic attempt to divert from further abuse.

[Taramere]

I've always kinda thought that it's her way of showing him how loyal she is to him. She can leave her son in a pool of blood in order to go do that with him. In her words "he'll always come first"

 

Is that normal for abuse victims?

 

Not necessarily.

 

It seems to me that it wasn't your dad your mother put first, it was herself. On hearing your story I can't find it in me to feel any sympathy for her, because my sympathies lie with you. She had a choice - ie to leave. As a child, you were stuck in that situation for years.

 

You were on the receiving end of abuse here. Not only did your dad beat you up, but you witnessed domestic abuse between them for years....and then you were subjected to this situation of them having sex after your dad beat you up, which is just is f*cked up beyond belief. Just reading that, to be honest, makes me want to hunt down the pair of them and take some heinous revenge on your behalf.

 

You deserve better, and you can get better than that messed up situation your parents had. Abuse doesn't need to be a cycle that's passed down from generation to generation

[denise_xo]

My ex husband used to force me to have sex with him after he beat me up, in order to further cause me suffering and humiliation. And if I didn't act like I liked it, he'd punch me some more, and there I would be, battered and bleeding while he is on top of me trying his best to hurt me as much as possible....God I wanted to die.

 

Oh, that sounds awful. I'm so glad he is an ex. Strength and hugs to you.

[carhill]

Is there a link between the two?

For some people, yes. Did you ever know your maternal grandfather?

 

Superficially, both can be a release of tension. Of course, one, abuse, is harmful in the extreme, compared to the normal and healthy interactions of lovemaking. That some people make a connection is indicative of their intrinsic psychology of expressing emotion and love. IMO, most of that is nurture (environment when developing the mind), hence my question about your grandfather. My sympathies.

[turnera]

Yes. Your mom is likely using sex as a way to calm your dad. If she is loving on him, he's not abusive and it reduces his stress and keeps him from doing it as often. It's like constantly having to diffuse a bomb.

Exactly. Her whole life is all about keeping him from going off on her or, maybe, on you guys. All she knows is to soothe him. That's her world.

 

And sometimes it becomes a sick, twisted perversion of what is SUPPOSED to be a loving act. Like something you'd see in a horror movie.

[Ska]

For some people, yes. Did you ever know your maternal grandfather?

 

 

No, he shot himself when she was six. As far as I know my grandmother never saw anyone else, when they were little. My mom and dad were already together by the time she met her husband now.

[yessy21]

I've always kinda thought that it's her way of showing him how loyal she is to him. She can leave her son in a pool of blood in order to go do that with him. In her words "he'll always come first"

 

Is that normal for abuse victims?

 

Yes, Actually your correct about the way that you saw it. By her standing next to him, it shows him that she is loyal... if when she does this she tilts her chin upward a bit, then there is no confusion to that theory. its a positive.

 

As a mother i would stand over my child to protect them from harms way, never side by side of an abuser...Unless i was trying to show my abuser my loyalty to him.