Messed up firendship to something more?

[freestyler]

So here is my story, Ive been best friends with a girl for almost 2 years (friend-zoned for most of it, due to circumstances). I was attracted to her for most of our friendship. I am 18 and she just a few months younger than me. Ive always wanted more with, but kept it suppressed due to conserve the friendship.

 

It wasn't until a few months ago that i saw her in a different light, when we went to a wedding with her family. I really started falling for her at this point. So a few weeks past and i finally built up the courage to talk to her about it. At that stage things weren't completely resolved but we came to the conclusion that we both wanted more, and she told me she wanted me to kiss her at the wedding, but she broke up with her boyfriend shortly thereafter.

 

So i took things really chilled and felt that nothing would come of this conversation we had. I started seeing other girls. it wasnt till about too months after the conversation I started hooking up with another girl but couldn't do anything with her due to guilt.

 

So the night after almost sleeping with this other girl, i Happened to go out for drinks with girls mom and aunt ( Strange but i have a extremely good relationship with her family). They encouraged me too fight for her and not to give up, she will be mine.

 

So the next day, i get an extremely pissed off phone call from her, telling me I need to see her. Soo i go over and we start having an argument about how i wont open up to her but i will to other people. It goes on for 2 hours until i finally grab her and kiss her. This sort of resolved the argument and we started talking about what we are going to do from this point on. We decided on taking things slow and seeing where they go.

 

A few weeks pass and we only see one another briefly until, the exams pass. Nothing really happens up to this point and she starts becoming good friends with another guy ( he is a model, so i may have felt a little threatened). I ask her about it and a confrontation starts as she admits she is infatuated by him. She tells me that she only loves me as a friend, which i refuse to accept.

 

I end up not seeing her for a few days, until one Friday night I am out with my friends, she texts me and says she wants to see me. so we end up going back to my house and were lying in bed. After an intensive conversation we start kissing, this leads sex (which she was hesitant of as she didn't want to disappoint me) . The thing that got me the worst is that she told me that i need to realize that i"m not just one of her conquest ( She has been with more guys than what i have been with girls). The sex was a little awkward. She became really distant for to 2 weeks after the incident, which ate at me.

 

We started seeing each other again, one weekend she was having a party at her house. The model guy happened to be there, after going out to bars for a bit with friends, I went back to her party with another chick friend ( to spite her of course). she promptly told me to get the hell out of her house, which i did. So i got rid of the other girl and went back to her house, and wasn't talked to her for a few hours. We resolved things and i slept over. the next day as I Leave the other guy pitches up, and as i hug her she talls me i dont have to feel threatened by him.

 

I come back a few hours , as she had another get-together. This went uneventful. We ended up sleeping early and cuddling.

 

As time went on she would randomly start holding my hand in public, one time She refereed to me as her "boyfriend" when blowing of her friends to spend time with me. Told me shes scared she hurts me as i can give her everything. She termed us "monogamous friends with benefits". She also said that she doesnt get jealous when i'm with other girls its that i treat her differently ( which i think is bull****). I believe she may have deleted pictures of another girl on my phone.

 

So the inevitable happened, one night after watching movies we had sex again. At the end she told me it was the the best she has had. So after while we were cuddling i asked her about me kissing her at other times. which she said she doesn't want to talk about it as it will ruin the moment, which hurt.

 

So then a few days later the other guy asked her to do a photo-shoot with him. Saw the pictures a few days ago which made my heart sink, hence I'm posting this.

 

I do realize that when we started being friends she just got out of a long term relationship, where the guy really ruined her (still comes into the picture now and then, but minimal), she has also been in and out of short lived relationships the past 18 months.

 

She also told me she doesn't want a relationship. I also asked her why she doesn't look for Friends with benefits somewhere else, to which she replied "its to much effort"...

 

Sometimes it feels that she is trying not to love me, when clearly I love her? She hasn't hooked up with any other guy since i Kissed her the first time.

 

I feel we have a deep connection, and I don't want to give up on her, I know she wants me, but i don't know in what way?

 

Sorry for the long post, its just that I'm really confused, I don't know what my next step is. What should do?

 

I really don't want to lose her.