Future Mother In Law Concerned about my Religion

[venusianx13]

Well, this is no new territory for me; I just can't seem to win in regards to this subject. In my last relationship, my ex's mother had a problem with me not being Jewish. I get it. She was Jewish, her sons were Jewish, she wanted Jewish grandbabies. At first, I took it very personally, as she did a lot of damage to our relationship. However, looking back, I see her cause for concern and am sorry I stuck in that situation for so long. I was not willing to convert for her. It was a red flag I should have taken seriously and not stuck around for five fruitless years.

 

I am a Buddhist. Not culturally. I was raised Catholic, lapsed, was very lost for a few years, but still spiritual, and then eventually converted to Buddhism (formally). My boyfriend has enjoyed learning about Buddhism through me, as he is not religious in any way, and is very open-minded. He is an amazing man who I foresee a future with, and we've begun talking about such things. I anticipate he will propose within the next few months.

 

He lives about 6 hours away from his parents, and I've met them twice so far. I liked them. I never foresaw there again being a problem over my religion. Apparently bf's mother told him today on the phone to talk to his uncle who married a Thai Buddhist woman who spends a lot of her time meditating and on pilgrimages. She seems concerned about her son getting involved with me. I don't meditate for hours each day (unless it's a retreat day or something) and I don't go away for weeks or months on pilgrimages! I'm feeling distressed after he told me his mother's concern. He says she's ignorant, and doesn't know what she is talking about, and seems to have a very inaccurate idea about Buddhism. I wish she'd talk to me before she'd make such a broad generalization. She and her husband are Catholics, but not super religious. I am really afraid of her disliking me now... and feel the onset of a repeat scenario.

 

I am a Buddhist because it makes me a better person. I can honestly say that. I never found that anywhere else. How should I approach this the next time I see her? I'd really like to talk to her about it.

[quankanne]

I shouldn't laugh I shouldn't laugh I shouldn't laugh ... but I'm thinking of a specific group of people in our Catholic diocese who JUMP at the chance of going on pilgrimage with a certain priest every time he lines up a trip, it seems like that's ALL they do. So they need to realize, it's not just a "Buddist thing"!

 

I understand their concerns, but the fact of the matter is, if you're helping their son to aspire to be a better man, that's what will stand out, and they'll (hopefully) see the things about your faith that are in union with theirs. People are afraid of the unknown, but if you educate them in a non-threatening way, even by just being the good, loving person you are to their baby boy, they'll get past the difference in religious belief.

 

best of luck to you!

[mercy]

Just be yourself. Fear of the unknown, to me that's all it is.

 

When h's parents and I were getting to know each other they feared me because I was so different but not really so different after all.

 

h was raised Southern Baptist. I was raised in a large city in a progressive church and started practicing Zen meditation and Sufism at a young age. When his mom was told this she blurted out, you're not Chinese...um I think I know that. h and I laughed about it for days. We've made it a standing joke.

 

But in the end our differences brought us together and I adored both his parents and them me.

 

Though when I got pregnant she was concerned about all the 'crazy' stuff I'd fill the babies head with.

 

So just be you, if she accepts you, fine. If not well you aren't marrying her.

 

When she is ready to hear your words she'll hear them if not go on with your life.

[M30USA]

Your religion is none of her business. Sounds like she is already intruding in your life and you're not even married yet. It only gets worse.

[mercy]

Your religion is none of her business. Sounds like she is already intruding in your life and you're not even married yet. It only gets worse.

 

You're in an odd mood today.

 

Sorry for the threadjack.

[venusianx13]

I think she only found out because she inquired about the "OM" pendant I wear. My boyfriend then told her I was a Buddhist. I don't know why she didn't ask me... that would have been the perfect opportunity to talk to her about it. I just really hate starting things off on this foot with her. It's not a good feeling.

 

What's more, I have no interest in converting my boyfriend. None whatsoever. That's not what Buddhism is about. I adore him for what he is. And I'm very open, spiritually, so I'm not the type to push...

 

I suppose I'll talk to her when I do see her. She has some real misconceptions about Buddhism, and now his uncle wants to talk to him?? This sounds very confrontational, and it was so out of the blue. What this clues me into is that she must have been discussing me with relatives. I guess I was silly to think the whole situation could be smooth sailing all the way through! Up until now, it's been perfect.

[mercy]

I think she only found out because she inquired about the "OM" pendant I wear. My boyfriend then told her I was a Buddhist. I don't know why she didn't ask me... that would have been the perfect opportunity to talk to her about it. I just really hate starting things off on this foot with her. It's not a good feeling.

 

What's more, I have no interest in converting my boyfriend. None whatsoever. That's not what Buddhism is about. I adore him for what he is. And I'm very open, spiritually, so I'm not the type to push...

 

I suppose I'll talk to her when I do see her. She has some real misconceptions about Buddhism, and now his uncle wants to talk to him?? This sounds very confrontational, and it was so out of the blue. What this clues me into is that she must have been discussing me with relatives. I guess I was silly to think the whole situation could be smooth sailing all the way through! Up until now, it's been perfect.

 

It is disappointing and it hurts. But don't allow what others think or feel change anything between the two of you. Refuse to go down that path.

[venusianx13]

It is disappointing and it hurts. But don't allow what others think or feel change anything between the two of you. Refuse to go down that path.

 

Yes, good point. After my last relationship, I was determined to handle things differently if I ever found myself in a similar situation. Last time, I went on the defensive immediately. I stood up to the woman and it made things worse. (Didn't behave very Buddhist-like, I'll admit, but she wore me down). I see the virtue in offering the victory (i.e. not needing to have the last word). She can think what she wants, I can't change that, but hopefully as she gets to know me, her ideas will change. I've used this technique in other relations... I guess this one just stings a bit more due to my past experiences.

 

However, I'm starting to see the lure of those months-long pilgrimages...

[mercy]

React gentle as a breeze. And inside you can think whatever you want. It really is freeing to accept yourself and allow others to in their own time.

 

You just can't imagine the silly things she use to say to me. Laughing about it released the frustration.

 

Use what you know, 'show' her who you are. Really our words do nothing in those situations. You know?

 

I cracked up laughing at the OM necklace. My daughter would play on her blanket and chant. Freaked my MIL out!

[Hawaii50]

I think that in time you're going to open a whole family to things they only made jokes and assumptions about. and although it has nothing to do with anything; keep your chin up.

[venusianx13]

That's great about your daughter, how cute!! Buddhism has attracted the interest of my little boy, too. He asks me all kinds of questions about Buddha and meditation, etc. , and I gave him a wrist mala to keep/wear. Ah, this is all going to be interesting.

[mercy]

That's great about your daughter, how cute!! Buddhism has attracted the interest of my little boy, too. He asks me all kinds of questions about Buddha and meditation, etc. , and I gave him a wrist mala to keep/wear. Ah, this is all going to be interesting.

 

A little lad, aww, you lucky woman! I never had a son but I've been blessed with a grandson!

 

It will be a journey, won't it? An opportunity for you to practice all you've learned.

 

I want to thank you for this thread. h and I had great fun last night remembering the past.

 

We both agreed that keeping your sense of humor (for you and your guy) will take the edge off some of the 'sting' that may come your way.

 

h never has strayed from his Southern Baptist ways, nor did I expect him to. His path is his own, as mine is. We are respectful of each others beliefs. Though I did get him into a more progressive church for my own sanity...

 

Good luck to you!

[venusianx13]

Thank you so much, mercy!! Your words are so encouraging. All I needed to do was to change my mind in order to see the situation differently, and I'm going to stick with keeping a positive outlook and laugh about any silliness that arises. I hope that over time, FMIL will see that I'm not just some weirdo who sits around and "meditates, waiting for her god, Buddha, to talk to her" (this is what she thinks I do, apparently...) I really can't blame her, I suppose. She leads a very secluded life in rural Maine and doesn't have much exposure to, well...anything!

 

Congrats on your grandson! And thank you for being so supportive and for sharing your own story, it has really helped tremendously!

[CarrieT]

Your religion is none of her business. Sounds like she is already intruding in your life and you're not even married yet.

 

I disagree. Since Judaism is technically passed through the female line, if her son marries outside the faith, she could be concerned that her grandchildren will not be Jewish and - for many, many Jews - this is a BIG deal.

[venusianx13]

I disagree. Since Judaism is technically passed through the female line, if her son marries outside the faith, she could be concerned that her grandchildren will not be Jewish and - for many, many Jews - this is a BIG deal.

 

The OP wasn't about my ex's mother, but about my current boyfriend's mother. I provided brief narrative of my previous experience because for some reason, these kinds of religious problems have been a running theme in my life for the past decade or so. In hindsight, I see where I was treading dangerous territory in becoming involved with a boy/man who at least HAD BEEN an observant Jew. Honestly, I believe the whole lineage thing (passing "Jewish-ness" down through the mother) to be man-made, though. In fact, it is, historically, a man-made rule. However, in his mother's eyes, even if the children had exposure to their Jewish roots and were allowed choose their path for themselves when they were old enough to make an informed decision, it wasn't good enough for her, and I wasn't willing to convert. I had actually considered it, allbeit briefly, but because of the way I was cornered and the abrasive way it was presented to me, I decided it was absolutely not for me.

 

In hindsight, I am sorry for "corrupting" her son. He strayed from his religious community because of me. Luckily, I believe he can go back to it (and I hope he does) because I was kept a secret among his Jewish friends and his Rabbis. This is a whole other story in itself.

Edited August 14, 2012 by venusianx13

[Garfish]

Well, at least you weren't a Satanist, Atheist or a Protestant. (joke) Or maybe you are an Atheistic Buddhist (?). If so I'd like to know more about that group.

 

Maybe there's a book that you could give her that would calm her fears. There are a number of books about the confluence and common ground between the two. Right now someone I love who is Catholic is reading books by the Dalai Lama. I never would have expected that from this person.

 

My impression is that your FMIL is probably worried about some other issue and that the religion thing is kind of a cover for that. You said you had a kid, is your boyfriend the father? A lot of women worry about their sons going into a "ready made" family and being "exploited", not saying that's your intention, just that paranoid mothers often feel this way. Anyways that's just a random guess.

 

BTW your avatar looks very nice. And I mean that ONLY as a compliment.

Edited August 14, 2012 by Garfish

[venusianx13]

Well, at least you weren't a Satanist, Atheist or a Protestant. (joke) Or maybe you are an Atheistic Buddhist (?). If so I'd like to know more about that group.

 

Maybe there's a book that you could give her that would calm her fears. There are a number of books about the confluence and common ground between the two. Right now someone I love who is Catholic is reading books by the Dalai Lama. I never would have expected that from this person.

 

My impression is that your FMIL is probably worried about some other issue and that the religion thing is kind of a cover for that. You said you had a kid, is your boyfriend the father? A lot of women worry about their sons going into a "ready made" family and being "exploited", not saying that's your intention, just that paranoid mothers often feel this way. Anyways that's just a random guess.

 

BTW your avatar looks very nice.

 

 

Yes, I have a child. I was a young mother, and am now fast approaching 30. My boyfriend is already there. He has embraced the role of being a parental figure beautifully, and we both want (more) children together. I can understand where his mother may be concerned about him entering into a situation with a step-child, though. I think you may be right. I suppose I will find out as time goes on.

 

My teachers have all said that Buddhism is an atheist religion, but I don't see it as conventionally atheist. I don't consider myself an atheist at all. I believe that Buddhists do not concern themselves with attaching a label to the laws of the universe. And there is no concept of a creator in Buddhism, so that's where the difference exists. It really is a personal thing, though... becoming a Buddhist brought me closer to a higher power and broadened my view, which had previously been very filtered. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Edited August 14, 2012 by venusianx13

[mercy]

Have you met with your FMIL yet?

 

Update, please.

 

Just thinking about you.

[venusianx13]

Oh, thanks for asking! I haven't seen her again, as she lives several states away, but my boyfriend did tell me that he spoke with her on the phone about her concerns. Last they spoke, she kept insisting that his uncle wanted to speak with him (his uncle married a Thai Buddhist woman, and is apparently unhappy in their marriage because she spends hours each day alone meditating, and takes months away for religious pilgrimage, etc.) My boyfriend was finally able to get a word in, edgewise, and basically told his mother that such was not the case with me, as I come from a traditional Catholic family, and am not from a Buddhist culture. Bf's dad thought the whole thing was funny, which was a relief to me. He also did his best to dispel her misconceptions about Buddhism, because she is apparently coming up with some pretty inaccurate ideas about it. He told me the case is closed now, but I'm not so sure... I'll be happy to speak with her further when I do see her.

 

I'm glad to have the support of like-minded individuals on this forum (mercy!!), it's been so incredibly encouraging and positive for me. I am grateful!

[wheream_i]

I think she only found out because she inquired about the "OM" pendant I wear.

 

Well then, maybe that's the problem? You wear your religion on your "sleeve" and let it define you as a whole? You're not trying to convert everybody that crosses your path are you? Sure, maybe a pin is no different than wearing a cross on a necklace. But it's just like being a devout Christian and it comes up in every conversation. It gets pretty annoying. Kind of like being gay. Nobody gives a damn if someone is gay unless they're shoving it down your throat.

[venusianx13]

Why is it a problem if I choose to wear a pendant? It's for me, I feel good when I wear it. It holds sacred meaning for me, and if someone asks what it means, I'm glad to tell them. I don't become offended or feel like anyone is trying to shove their religion down my throat if I see someone wearing a cross, crucifix, star of David, etc. That sentiment is something I just cannot understand.

 

My religion is MY path and I chose it for personal reasons. I don't discuss it unless someone asks, and I absolutely never prosthelytize. I haven't sought to convert my boyfriend or anyone else, for that matter. (I mentioned this fact in previous posts). Does my religion define me as a whole? Well, no one can be defined by a label. The most important thing others will define you by is your actions. And my religion teaches me to do all things with love, and hopefully THAT is how people will come to "define" me. Definition is subjective. It's not really a point that can be argued.

Edited August 19, 2012 by venusianx13

[mercy]

Oh, thanks for asking! I haven't seen her again, as she lives several states away, but my boyfriend did tell me that he spoke with her on the phone about her concerns. Last they spoke, she kept insisting that his uncle wanted to speak with him (his uncle married a Thai Buddhist woman, and is apparently unhappy in their marriage because she spends hours each day alone meditating, and takes months away for religious pilgrimage, etc.) My boyfriend was finally able to get a word in, edgewise, and basically told his mother that such was not the case with me, as I come from a traditional Catholic family, and am not from a Buddhist culture. Bf's dad thought the whole thing was funny, which was a relief to me. He also did his best to dispel her misconceptions about Buddhism, because she is apparently coming up with some pretty inaccurate ideas about it. He told me the case is closed now, but I'm not so sure... I'll be happy to speak with her further when I do see her.

 

I'm glad to have the support of like-minded individuals on this forum (mercy!!), it's been so incredibly encouraging and positive for me. I am grateful!

 

I love this site because of the people here (you ).

 

Ahhh, the misconceptions! lol That's where you have to keep that sense of humor going! His dad thinking it was funny is such a good sign, really!

 

I say when you do go, wear monks robes. lmao

 

Sounds like you have great support from your man. I have such a good feeling about your situation. Your life is just starting on a great adventure as h & I's was so many years ago.

[TheFinalWord]

There was never nothing to dislike.

 

I assume you weren't telling grandma her God was a genocidal maniacal murderer and you save such discourse for the anonymity of the Internet j/k

 

Joking aside, I have found you very respectful and honest. That's something I appreciate sincerely. B/c when it comes down to it none of us are all going to agree 100% about anything and definitely not about matters of faith.

 

This is another thing about religion that bothers me. It creates division and predjudice just like your situation. For me, every single parent or grandparent of a female that I have dated has liked me. There was never nothing to dislike. And thats how she should look at you. No matter how good of a person you are people like this just cant get past you believe in something different than they do. Its wrong and people need to get over that. After those same parents found out I wasnt religious at all, a few of them were conflicted. They wanted to dislike me, but couldnt. Ive always worked, was never in trouble, dont drink or do drugs, dont have a bunch of kids running around, graduated from college and am independent. But I just didnt believe what they did and some couldnt get past that. It shouldnt be like that but thats how it goes. If they cant accept you it wont get any easier.

 

I think this is a problem from both sides. I have had atheists reject me simply b/c I was a Christian. Even after doing nothing offensive (to the best of my knowledge) and actually helping whenever they asked; one person I literally carried through his/her degree. Ironically, these individuals frequently lambasted Christianity for being judgmental, but didn't seem to apply the same moral standard on themselves. I've found all people no matter their faith or non-faith have the same selfish ambitions. Hypocrisy and selfishness is a human problem, irrespective of the particular niches we align ourselves with. It's easy to ascribe someone's downfalls to their religion, creed, political persuasion, or the million other social constructs in society. As humans we have a proclivity to define people by constructs (often self-invented and without an honest attempt to get to know the person; if you want to see this in action sit back and read the debates on the dating forum it can be quite a learning experience to watch the rationality of human judgmental-ism in action), but when it comes down to it, it's about choices IMHO.

 

I agree with you that people should look at each person individually, not try to box them into their pre-conceived biases. Also, a little empathy goes a long way, i.e. try to see something from the other person's perspective.

Edited August 19, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[Pompom]

You are (planning on) marrying that man, not his parents. If he's a responsible adult and his own guardian, he does not need his parents' approval, neither do you.

I wouldn't be too concerned about them ruining your relationship over religion. If they like you, they'll let it slide, and if not, you could be of their religion and they'll still find a reason to hate on you.

 

Though I would advise you, unfair though it may be, to kind of not be too in-your-face about your religion at first. Ease them into it, show them you're no zealot and that they can spend a perfectly normal couple of days with you, without Buddhism impacting your quality time together (or at least, not in a away they know where it's coming from). Don't try to educate them on anything unless they ask. Show them that you can stay off their backs with your beliefs. I'm not saying that because I think there's something wrong with Buddhism, I don't, but because you won't have to spend that much time with them, so use what little time you do spend with them, to allow them to see past your religion.

[TheFinalWord]

I agree with you on everything. And in person I actually never bring up religion. Its always asked of me. The thing is Im a nice, guy so women or older folks automatically assume that because I am then I am heavily involved in the church. Its a shock to them that Im not, but like I said ,they seem to be conflicted about what they want to think and what I as a young man have already proved to them. As far as the things I might say on here, its different talking to someone in person and talking on here. Maybe an actual conversation is a bit more personal, yet on here we are just screen names to eachother. I seriously believe if everyone on here that disagreed was together that we would all get along. I usually get along with everyone anyway. Its just that when we discuss on these forums we are trying to understand another persons point of view but cannot connect on a personal level that brings alot more to the conversation. So all we can connect with is responses and threads. I do also agree its on both sides and I never condone it from anybody.

 

Very true my friend, very true. I get the same reaction when I tell colleagues in I'm a Christian. So while I can't relate to your experience exactly, I know what it is like when the majority can't fit you into their pre-conceived box. No problem with what you say on here to me. When I did ministry I got tons of the types of questions you ask (which are fair questions IMHO) and asked a lot of the same ones myself at one point in my life.

 

But I digress, the ability to be your true self is one of the advantages to discussion board. We are free to express our true feelings without any direct impact on our "real life". When I did research in the past we found we could get much more honest answers on-line via electronic focus groups b/c people perceived a greater sense of protection. Its kind of a way to vent the feelings/thoughts you normally have to oppress or hide due to societal conventions. Some of it has caused problems in society b/c obscure things like pedophiles often feel empowered. In real life they would have a hard time finding like minded people; on-line they easier access to like-minded twisted individuals. But I digress...

 

Definitely a lot of communication channels are lost in discussion boards, which is why I always try to be extra sensitive to the way I say things (emphasis on try ). Keep being the anomalie BG, you'll get a lot further in life

 

Anyway, sorry to divert the OP...I've had a similar experience, although religion wasn't the problem. Just a meddling mother in-law to be...not just normal meddling, very controlling which doesn't sit well with me.

 

But in my case the woman did not stick up for me like your BF does. So it sounds like there is a much greater chance everything will work out okay. But there is truth to the saying "When you marry, you marry the whole family"...also truth to the saying "Love conquers all"... Luckily you live far apart, maybe holidays will be awkward but day to day life should be okay. Good luck to you!

Edited August 20, 2012 by TheFinalWord