Should we get separated?

[goodperson]

My husband of 6 years has told me he is no longer in love with me. He says he needs to get away for awhile, but has never actually done it. In the meantime, we have been spending the last 10 months as roommates. We have not had any intimacy, (at all), not even a hug or kiss. If it is a hug or kiss it is because I initiate it, and he really does not show any interest, and tells me to stop. He must be masturbating every other day or he is getting sex somewhere else because he is definitely not getting any from me. I honestly do not think there is another woman since he does not give me any reasons to be suspicious. He always come home from work on time and when he is not working away from home, he is working on the house or spending time with our daughter. I am really at the point where I do not know what to do. We tried talking civilally, but it always end up in a violent argument. He says some very, very hurtful things and sometimes I lose my "cool". I brought up counselling, but he refuses it. I am attractive, slim, and young. I know I am not the problem and he has told me that. He once told me, "it is not you, it is me." What does this mean????

 

I am neglected, ignored, and unloved and do not know how more patience I can have. He is not happy, but yet comes home everyday. We have a 2 year old daughter and I know he is sticking around because of her, but I am suffering because of it. I do not want him to leave, nor do I want to leave him. I want things to work out, as I am very much still in love with him. Can a separation help things? Should I initiate the separation even though I am not the one who wants it?

[StartingAgain]

Have you thought that he may be depressed? That might explain much, especially his lack of libido.

 

I have two things to recommend to you:

 

1) Just because he doesn't want to go to marital therapy (not counceling) doesn't mean that you shouldn't go. there are things you can learn for yourself like how to communicate more effectively and avoid those terrible arguments. You just never know. If he sees postitive improvement in you, he may reconsider his position on therapy.

 

2) Your angle of approach in addressing this problem is your daughter's welfare. If he's staying for her sake, he needs to understand that he is defeating his own purpose if the two of you don't have a healthy, loving and nurturing relationship. But you have to approach him with this very carefully and not during an argument.

 

At some point you are going to have to draw a line in the sand. He may think the two of you can go on like this forever. But you know you can't. Get into therapy and get some help with this situation. You may eventually have to confront him and tell him it's either time to get to work or get out. He doesn't seem to be interested in taking the lead here, so you are going to have to.

 

I know how much it hurts to have a spouse who refuses to show you love and affection. My wife stopped doing this right after we were married. Flat refused. She didn't even want it during sex. I never could understand it.

 

Good luck to you.

[HokeyReligions]

COUNSELING! If he won't go, then you go. It's not healthy for your child to see her parents like this. Think of the role models you are being for her. She's more likely to end up in painful relationships herself.

 

If you can't work it out, then get him out of the house. Better to see two happy parents separtely, then two miseral parents together.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by goodperson

He once told me, "it is not you, it is me." What does this mean????

 

He is the only one that can answer that question. If every time the two of you try to get in a discussion about this you start fighting, then maybe you should ask him to write you an email/letter explaining the problem. That way he is able to get out his side of the story without you losing your cool. Also, promise him that after you read it, you will not come rushing in and bless him out, but instead write your own clear headed response. He owes you an explanation for his behavior.

 

The 2 of you really need to go to counseling, but if he continues to refuse to go, you can go yourself.

 

I really don't see how much longer your marriage can last in it's current condition. You need to take some action.

[clyde]

WOW it is like you are in my marriage except the child is 8. I do not know if you should get separtated or not but I do know that my husband was doing the same thing until last weekend when he told me he was moving out. I went to my own therapy for about 2 years and the therapists often asked me if my husband was depressed. I always said "NO" but now I think that he might be. I think he needs this time alone to try to figure out that it really is him and not me. My point is that right now you guys are floundering and it will not get better if you continue on the path you are on. Since there is a child involved you can not afford to just hang around until you hate each other. You also can not afford to have your daughter grow up thinking that the way ou guys get along is how it is supposed to be or you are dooming her to the same marriage you are in now.

[Nuffsaid]

Sorry for your predicament. Men like your husband have detached themselves from their spouse because they've basically given up on the relationship. They feel trapped, depressed and the harder the other person tries to get an explanation for his behaviour or suggests counselling etc... it sets them off. There can often be deep resentment over unresolved issues between you which he's holding onto and not letting go of. Perhaps he has tried in the past to discuss something important to him that he feels you've ignored, or perhaps he blames you for financial problems you had in the past or any number of seemingly small and isolated problems that build up into a wall of isolation. Perhaps the best place to look is from within and ask yourself what have I done to address what he has felt have been issues in the past. You are an attractive woman you say, but are you a romantic? Maybe he has suggested a change or a new idea to inject into your relationship that you dismissed even subtly? It's amazing how insignificant these things can seem at the time but to the other it's a devestating rejection. Get him into counselling or talking to someone close to him that can get out of him what is really missing in his relationship and his life. If you can get this far, the question becomes can you give him what he wants? Can there be compromise? Is he being unreasonable? Answer these questions because he made not leave you physically as in move out; but, clearly he has left you emotionally. Good luck.

[goodperson]

Well, it has been a couple of months and no surprise, things have not changed. We are still married, and we are still living together. I still hound him everyday on getting some answers, but everything is still unclear. He is still unhappy, but he won't make a decision. I know this is very hard on him and I can understand it. However, I am the type of person that needs answers. Either he wants to work things out, or he needs to get out. I have told him this, but it is not getting through. So at this point, what do I need to do???? Should I leave the home, if he won't???? As punishment, I've stopped doing laundry, stopped pampering after him, I don't wake him up for work anymore, (as a result, he's always late and has received warnings), and told him his best friend (also a good friend of mine) can't visit anymore. We also stopped spending "family time" together. I refuse to go or do anything with someone who doesn't care. I know this is all petty, and I may be approaching this a little immaturely, but I am on my last leg.

 

lost a year of my life because of this man, and I'd be damned if I let another year go by.