I Was the OW (1 Year Later)

[SecretFlower]

I suppose I should start this with a preface. I was in a very long term affair, which ended nearly five years ago, and had lasted nearly the entirety of my young adulthood. We began an affair when I was in college and ended following seven ridiculously long years. And I moved on. Or, at least I thought I did. I met an incredible man literally as our relationship was crumbling, and I thought I'd found my Mr. Right. I married him nearly 10 months ago and we are already separated. We meet with our attorney’s this week, but it’s already over.

 

There are so many reasons for why couples divorce, but I’d hoped my past relationship would never be one of them. But it is and that past relationship has quickly become “current”. Shortly after I got married I was contacted by my ex’s ex-wife. She wanted to meet with me and discuss everything that had happened. As anyone can imagine it didn’t go well. How well can a conversation between the jilted ex-wife and the mistress of nearly seven years go? It was tense, and cruel, and left me more than a little shaken. So, my next course of action should’ve been to go to my husband, but I didn’t. I reached out to him and he came running. We spoke and for a minute I imagined we might’ve been friends if our past wasn’t so complicated. But I didn’t do anything. We didn’t reminisce or flirt or do anything, but I still felt guilty.

 

So I told my husband, and he reacted as I expected. Early in our relationship he had been incredibly supportive and understanding of my past, including my affair, but over the last year he had been less willing to see my side and quick to judge our relationship as a horrid mistake. He saw our conversations as a warning sign and that I would probably cheat on him. It probably continued on like that for a few more months, before it became clear that my past had undoubtedly come back to haunt me.

 

Which is where I am now. Separated and confused. My husband is divorcing me, my ex’s ex-wife is a rather annoying pain in my side and I’ve began a rather casual and cautious relationship with my ex. I feel like I’ve taken huge steps backwards, but I don’t know what to do. My family is upset with me, and my friends (including her and my mutual friends) are less than thrilled that we are together. I don’t love him, but I find it’s all but impossible to really stay away from him. What if I was wrong when I said that we weren’t “real”? What if he is Mr. Right and we’ve just never had a legitimate way to have a relationship? What if all of the hurdles are finally out of our way and this is my last chance to really be happy? Whatever happiness is.

[veryhappy]

Would you want to keep your marriage and your husband? If he knew, why did he change his mind about accepting your past?

 

Given that everyone knows now, you don't need to converse with BW. I would guess enough words and explications were spoken by now.

[MissBee]

I think the problem seems to be that you don't tie up loose ends well or basically hop from relationship to relationship. Please understand I'm not trying to be mean, but when I read your story, I gathered that you had the A for 7 years (that's a long time in my mind for someone to supposedly be "Mr. Right" and have it be an A for years and years), then when that ends, you quickly found someone else and deemed him Mr. Right, you marry, your ex's ex talks to you and for some reason you reach out to him, your husband leaves you and now you're back on with your exAP....what time have you had to just stop and breathe?

 

I do understand how your husband feels, in terms of, what purpose did you really have of reaching out to your former affair partner, as a newly wed? It does seem VERY inappropriate and suspicious. What were you hoping for with the ex?

 

All your questions about who is or isn't Mr.Right don't seem to be the problem IMO. It seems as though you need to take some time for yourself to be single and figure out what you need and want out of relationships. Do you even care that your husband is leaving? Or does it not bother you that much so long as your exAP is back? When you married him, was it because you saw forever, or was it because he was a rebound? These are important things you must figure out (counseling could probably help you sort that out), because if you're the type who just likes to be in a relationship so you marry on a whim and as you break up you mysteriously find someone else to step in....it's likely a lot of your relationships will suffer because they aren't built on a strong foundation but the constant belief that maybe the next man you like is the next best thing or you decide maybe he's Mr.Right...and this could go on and on and on.

[MissBee]

*I do understand how your husband feels, in terms of, what purpose did you really have of reaching out to your former affair partner, as a newly wed? It does seem VERY inappropriate and suspicious and I understand how it doesn't foster trust. What were you hoping for with the ex? The fact also that you've quickly started back a relationship with your old affair partner probably solidifies in your husband's mind that you're not the one for him, as instead of trying to prove that it meant nothing, you just moved on and dated the man you reached out to "innocently". I hope you can see how that looks to him. If your friends and family who know you best and love you are upset with you for your actions...there MUST be a reason. I doubt it's that everyone just doesn't want you to be happy. It probably comes off to them as if you're acting on impulse and whims and not on solid, sustainable rationales.

 

 

All your questions about who is or isn't Mr.Right don't seem to be the problem IMO. It seems as though you need to take some time for yourself to be single and figure out what you need and want out of relationships. Do you even care that your husband is leaving? Or does it not bother you that much so long as your exAP is back? When you married him, was it because you saw forever, or was it because he was a rebound? These are important things you must figure out (counseling could probably help you sort that out), because if you're the type who just likes to be in a relationship so you marry on a whim and as you break up you mysteriously find someone else to step in....it's likely a lot of your relationships will suffer because they aren't built on a strong foundation but the constant belief that maybe the next man you like is the next best thing, this type of mentality may always cause you to doubt your relationships and make you prone to the grass is greener syndrome and always looking on the outside...and this could go on and on and on.

[SecretFlower]

MissBee,

 

I do love my husband and I thought it was done with my ex (or AP). It WAS done until we separated and I realized that my marriage wasn't going to work. I didn't restart an affair, and I didn't do anything besides have one conversation. He called me, because his ex-wife was angry after speaking with me. The relationship between the two of us didn't really restart until my marriage was all but done and it seemed like for once both of us were available.

 

I understand that my husband was upset that he comforted me, but it was one phone call and if he can't trust me then what good is a marriage? Yes, I met him shortly after the end of the affair, but I didn't enter into a relationship with him as a replacement for my AP. He was different and he gave me stability and I loved him. I guess I should have expected it, because we had insecurity and issues up until the wedding, but I had hoped we'd be able to work through it.

 

If I could go back and change things I wouldn't have met with her or talked with him, but I did. I just didn't expect everything to spiral the way they have. Of course I care that my husband is leaving. I married him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I didn't marry him to get over my ex. I married him, because I loved him and I thought we were good together. I'll absolutely admit that right now the relationship with my ex is probably a rebound and semi-concious decision to rebel against him, her, and my family, but I can't deny that there is a "pull" between us that doesn't seem to go away.

Edited August 14, 2012 by SecretFlower

[MissBee]

MissBee,

 

I do love my husband and I thought it was done with my ex (or AP). It WAS done until we separated and I realized that my marriage wasn't going to work. I didn't restart an affair, and I didn't do anything besides have one conversation. He called me, because his ex-wife was angry after speaking with me. The relationship between the two of us didn't really restart until my marriage was all but done and it seemed like for once both of us were available.

 

I understand that my husband was upset that he comforted me, but it was one phone call and if he can't trust me then what good is a marriage? Yes, I met him shortly after the end of the affair, but I didn't enter into a relationship with him as a replacement for my AP. He was different and he gave me stability and I loved him. I guess I should have expected it, because we had insecurity and issues up until the wedding, but I had hoped we'd be able to work through it.

 

If I could go back and change things I wouldn't have met with her or talked with him, but I did. I just didn't expect everything to spiral the way they have. Of course I care that my husband is leaving. I married him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I didn't marry him to get over my ex. I married him, because I loved him and I thought we were good together. I'll absolutely admit that right now the relationship with my ex is probably a rebound and semi-concious decision to rebel against him, her, and my family, but I can't deny that there is a "pull" between us that doesn't seem to go away.

 

 

Did MM's wife leave him or did he leave her?

 

As for the pull...I'm all too familiar with pulls...often times they signal trouble unfortunately.

 

If your H was always insecure, then that was something that pre-marital counseling could have addressed. In any case, call me cynical, but it just seems odd that one could leave an A of 7 years then quickly there after be emotionally ready to commit forever to another.

 

What's the issue your family/friends are having?

[SecretFlower]

She left him after they had a baby. He wasn't always insecure. I mean he was really accepting of my relationship and gave me a lot of support when it ended and was a really great guy. I left the affair, not the other way around, because I knew it just wasn't healthy. My family and friends were all very supportive when I first left my ex and helped to really break the ties, but when they found out I was speaking with him again and we were having issues in our marriage they became a lot less willing to understand.

[SecretFlower]

^^He says he told her about us.

[MissBee]

She left him after they had a baby. He wasn't always insecure. I mean he was really accepting of my relationship and gave me a lot of support when it ended and was a really great guy. I left the affair, not the other way around, because I knew it just wasn't healthy. My family and friends were all very supportive when I first left my ex and helped to really break the ties, but when they found out I was speaking with him again and we were having issues in our marriage they became a lot less willing to understand.

 

Do you understand why though?

 

After 7 YEARS...this man still never took the initiative to give you a proper relationship. His wife still had to be the one to leave him smh. That said, your family probably feels like he is not a good man for you, they felt you wasted those 7 years and seemed to finally get out...so going back now does seem exasperating to them.

 

What's so great about this MM? Comparing him to your H...what actual qualities does he have as a man/husband/father, that make him great for you?

 

I stand by my idea of just talking to a counselor, just to get some insight on your situation and your emotional environment and I also stand by the idea that you should have some time to breathe without increasing contact with this MM again. Is it absolutely too late for your marriage? Did you all attempt marriage counseling to fix things?

 

I'm sort of confused, was your husband a friend of yours who had known about the A while it was going on?

[SecretFlower]

I can't justify him not ever leaving his wife. I know we both had reasons for why he shouldn't, but they were probably not completely truthful. And as for if he's "better" than my husband. I don't know...He's not better, but he understands me. He was my first love. I've known him since I was 16 years old. He understands what I like and who I am. He knows me and I feel like I know him.

 

As for my husband I'd say it would take a lot for us to get back together especially since he knows that I've been seeing my AP lately. I imagine it's a bit like confirmation even though I know I didn't cheat on him. He's not willing to go through counseling, and I don't think I'm willing to fight for a marriage he doesn't want. At this point, we have no children, no ties, why make things more complicated.

 

ETA: My husband and I met just as the affair was ending and he was a bit of a catalyst in ending it all. He all but got me back on my feet. We were friends first and romantic later.

[MissBee]

^^He says he told her about us.

 

What did she say though?

 

Was that her story when you all spoke?

[MissBee]

I can't justify him not ever leaving his wife. I know we both had reasons for why he shouldn't, but they were probably not completely truthful. And as for if he's "better" than my husband. I don't know...He's not better, but he understands me. He was my first love. I've known him since I was 16 years old. He understands what I like and who I am. He knows me and I feel like I know him.

 

As for my husband I'd say it would take a lot for us to get back together especially since he knows that I've been seeing my AP lately. I imagine it's a bit like confirmation even though I know I didn't cheat on him. He's not willing to go through counseling, and I don't think I'm willing to fight for a marriage he doesn't want. At this point, we have no children, no ties, why make things more complicated.

 

ETA: My husband and I met just as the affair was ending and he was a bit of a catalyst in ending it all. He all but got me back on my feet. We were friends first and romantic later.

 

The draw of first love is powerful...although not always steeped in reality.

 

My exAP and I are very compatible. He was my first love...but in assessing the whole situation, I know he wouldn't be a viable option for me.

 

I wouldn't feel comfortable building a "new" relationship on the back of his marriage falling apart. My advice would be to stop, pause and not just hop back into a relationship. Yes it's comfortable and familiar...but I'd really assess it from all angles besides feelings. Would his wife eventually accept you? Would his kids? Would your family support you all or would you all forever sacrifice those other important relationships to be together? Has he addressed his issues that led him to cheating, have you addressed your reason for holding on for 7 years?

 

If not....then you may very well be going down the same road again. If you guys do decide to be together, I definitely would suggest couple's counseling at the very least. Perhaps after 7 years and this new found fall out, the second go is the charm? Or it ends up being what you need to realize that your childhood sweetheart/AP needs to be left in the past.

[SecretFlower]

She said that she knew he had had an affair for years, but she didn't put it together until recently. She said that he said he had been involved with a woman for a long time, but refused to say who I was. She said that she left him right after and that she had always suspected but refused to believe he would cheat on her with just anyone. And then she said she realized that it had to be me. We all used to hang out in the same circles, but she never noticed how I was always there. And then she accused me of ruining her life, that I had manipulated him, and that I had destroyed any chance of her son having a happy childhood, etc. Like I said a bit intense.

[SecretFlower]

^^ No, I was best friends with his sister and her friend. We all went to high school together and kind of moved out of our hometown together.

[jwi71]

I went back and perused your older posts - you are omitting much.

 

As such, I would advise, and strongly, that you stay away from him. What you fail to see, because you are in the thick of it, is just how bad he is for you. How bad he has been to you.

 

You too blithely shrug his behavior off - none of it, from what you write, is healthy - and it hasn't been good to or for you. His actions aren't good, noble, mature, healthy or even fun.

 

My advice to you...walk and mourn the loss of your M. Heal. Be alone.

 

I hope you listen...to LS, your friends, your family...don't rush into anything EXCEPT IC.

[MissBee]

I went back and perused your older posts - you are omitting much.

 

As such, I would advise, and strongly, that you stay away from him. What you fail to see, because you are in the thick of it, is just how bad he is for you. How bad he has been to you.

You too blithely shrug his behavior off - none of it, from what you write, is healthy - and it hasn't been good to or for you. His actions aren't good, noble, mature, healthy or even fun.

 

My advice to you...walk and mourn the loss of your M. Heal. Be alone.

I hope you listen...to LS, your friends, your family...don't rush into anything EXCEPT IC.

 

 

I agree!

 

I haven't read back...but I figure that the family and friends probably see SF as someone who is being impulsive and falling into a trap she narrowly escaped from before.

 

I understand that we all want to do what we want to do and sometimes not even God can stop us...but if it's not your first go around, I'd really pause and try to listen to my family and friends. Chances are their concerns aren't unfounded.

 

I agree that hopping right back into this dalliance with MM is probably not smart. I also found marrying quickly wasn't smart either. I think a breather and some time to be alone and process and yes getting counseling to get in touch with yourself and your needs and your decision making process re relationships is MUCH needed.

[MissBee]

She said that she knew he had had an affair for years, but she didn't put it together until recently. She said that he said he had been involved with a woman for a long time, but refused to say who I was. She said that she left him right after and that she had always suspected but refused to believe he would cheat on her with just anyone. And then she said she realized that it had to be me. We all used to hang out in the same circles, but she never noticed how I was always there. And then she accused me of ruining her life, that I had manipulated him, and that I had destroyed any chance of her son having a happy childhood, etc. Like I said a bit intense.

 

Well it doesn't seem like he overnight became noble and told her the whole truth so that he could now be with you....

 

Just seems like it all went to hell in a hand basket and she contacted you without his knowledge.

 

As I asked earlier: do you think trying to be with him is really worth it? Like do you really believe his wife and kids and his family will ever accept you and treat you with kindness and will your family and friends ever accept your relationship and treat him with kindness?

 

What has changed now versus all those 7 years? It doesn't come off to me as though he had some epiphany and decided to change his ways, leave his wife and start anew. It seemed like it all went to sh*t and then you called him up and provided a soft landing and he agreed. Why wouldn't he? His wife is leaving him. Your husband is leaving you. It just seems like the perfect recipe for two people to get together because of emotional turmoil versus stable, sustainable reality that has a real future.

 

I wonder if his wife has a change of heart and decides to work on the marriage if he'd dump you...what do you think?

[SecretFlower]

^^Well, they're already divorced...So, that would be complicated. I'm not saying that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he cares for me so for today that's enough. I would never want what happened to his ex-wife to happen to me, so I don't know that I could ever allow myself to become as fully invested as I once might've been.

 

I don't know that his family could ever accept me, and I don't know that my family would ever accept him. He's not perfect and I'm not perfect and our relationship was difficult and at times hurtful, but I did love him and he did make me happy for a time. Again, I'm not expecting for everything to be easy or to even be in a long-term relationship with him, but it's not hurting anyone if I see him while I get over my husband.

[SecretFlower]

I went back and perused your older posts - you are omitting much.

 

As such, I would advise, and strongly, that you stay away from him. What you fail to see, because you are in the thick of it, is just how bad he is for you. How bad he has been to you.

 

You too blithely shrug his behavior off - none of it, from what you write, is healthy - and it hasn't been good to or for you. His actions aren't good, noble, mature, healthy or even fun.

 

My advice to you...walk and mourn the loss of your M. Heal. Be alone.

 

I hope you listen...to LS, your friends, your family...don't rush into anything EXCEPT IC.

 

He's not perfect, but he's better than he was then. We were both so confused and he did things that he says he regrets. He admits that he hurt me and tried to manipulate me, but he says he was so desperate to not have to let me go that he didn't see any other way. I'm not justifying the pain we caused eachother (and there were times that I hurt him right back), but I don't think he's an awful person.

[MissBee]

^^Well, they're already divorced...So, that would be complicated. I'm not saying that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he cares for me so for today that's enough. I would never want what happened to his ex-wife to happen to me, so I don't know that I could ever allow myself to become as fully invested as I once might've been.

 

I don't know that his family could ever accept me, and I don't know that my family would ever accept him. He's not perfect and I'm not perfect and our relationship was difficult and at times hurtful, but I did love him and he did make me happy for a time. Again, I'm not expecting for everything to be easy or to even be in a long-term relationship with him, but it's not hurting anyone if I see him while I get over my husband.

 

Well....all I can say then is good luck.

 

Hopefully it doesn't cause you to alienate your family or friends too much...as if he isn't even someone you want to invest in, it would be unfortunate if the relationship caused a rift between you and your family and friends.

[MissBee]

He's not perfect, but he's better than he was then. We were both so confused and he did things that he says he regrets. He admits that he hurt me and tried to manipulate me, but he says he was so desperate to not have to let me go that he didn't see any other way. I'm not justifying the pain we caused eachother (and there were times that I hurt him right back), but I don't think he's an awful person.

 

Hmmm it's always interesting when people say someone isn't an awful person. One doesn't need to be awful or the likes of Hitler to be considered not a good fit for a relationship...

 

No one is perfect. That goes without saying. I find that the only time people toss this line around is when they're attempting to justify some bad behavior or other.

 

If you're gonna be with someone and you have to lead off with "No one's perfect" chances are some blaring red flags are there. True story. It's like selling anything...if you go to buy a car or a house and the sales person starts off saying "Well it's not awful...it's not the worst...it's not perfect..." then we can all just lower our expectations and be suspicious that something is wrong with it significantly, or else they'd not lead off with a justification

[SecretFlower]

Hey All,

 

I just wanted to say I took your advice (as well as the advice of my therapist) and I haven't talked to my ex in a few weeks. He hasn't exactly been as willing to let it go that easily and still calls and texts rather frequently, but I know that right now at least until my divorce goes through I need to be alone and figure everything out. I do believe he loves me and that I love him, or at least that I could learn to love him again, but I think I need time to consider if it is worth it to go back into a relationship with him.

 

So, even though this probably has nothing to do with any of you I just wanted to thank you, because I could really not have found unbiased opinions or been able to open up about my past the way that I have.

 

- SF

[AnotherRound]

Hey All,

 

I just wanted to say I took your advice (as well as the advice of my therapist) and I haven't talked to my ex in a few weeks. He hasn't exactly been as willing to let it go that easily and still calls and texts rather frequently, but I know that right now at least until my divorce goes through I need to be alone and figure everything out. I do believe he loves me and that I love him, or at least that I could learn to love him again, but I think I need time to consider if it is worth it to go back into a relationship with him.

 

So, even though this probably has nothing to do with any of you I just wanted to thank you, because I could really not have found unbiased opinions or been able to open up about my past the way that I have.

 

- SF

 

I'm glad to hear this. I am in a somewhat similar situation, in that my exMM is in the process of a D, and has expressed interest in possibly having a relationship with me when it is finalized. It's hard to say no to those things, especially in a situation like yours where you are fresh out of a disappointing loss of another relationship. I'm sure that you are feeling low, self esteem is suffering, and you are needing validation and support. That's only natural.

 

I would caution though, in jumping right into something else. Especially something with so much history and entanglement involved. I'm glad that you are doing that, moving forward with caution. You may find that once you get your feet back on the ground emotionally, and your self esteem is back up to par, that you aren't even interested in the exMM. If you are coming from a good place, you will be able to decide that pretty easily I think.

 

I hope it all works out for you. In the meantime, I would practice self validation, and self soothing. Learning how to validate yourself is priceless, and it is so helpful to your self esteem. It will make you stronger, and your boundaries will become more clear. Easier said than done, I know, but if you can figure out how to do it, it will be invaluable in life.

[SecretFlower]

Hey AnotherWorld,

 

Thank you for your kind words, seriously, I appreciate them. I've read your thread and I have to admit I was shocked at how similar some of the situations you've been in where to mine. It's crazy and so difficult to get over, I thought I had, and several years later I feel like I'm back where I started. The pull of an affair is so intoxicating in a way, it's mysterious and crazy and a bit romantic. And then everything starts to fall apart and you're left at square one. But as you said it is a process and it takes time to build all of that self esteem and confidence back up. Thanks again.

[AnotherRound]

Hey AnotherWorld,

 

Thank you for your kind words, seriously, I appreciate them. I've read your thread and I have to admit I was shocked at how similar some of the situations you've been in where to mine. It's crazy and so difficult to get over, I thought I had, and several years later I feel like I'm back where I started. The pull of an affair is so intoxicating in a way, it's mysterious and crazy and a bit romantic. And then everything starts to fall apart and you're left at square one. But as you said it is a process and it takes time to build all of that self esteem and confidence back up. Thanks again.

 

No problem. It does sound somewhat similar, and I remember well how hard it was to walk away from someone that I loved whose only issue I had was... he was M. I don't know if you ever "get over" it, but I don't believe that we ever get over anything in this life. We carry it with us always, and it becomes part of who we are. It doesn't hurt as much, but it's still there, and it still influences us at times.

 

I was actually turned off by the fact that my relationship with exMM was an A. I did not want to be in an A!!! I just wanted to find someone that I meshed well with and spend time with them, bonding and developing a relationship. In the end, at least for me, the main reason I walked away was bc of the fact that it WAS an A. I just didn't want to do it anymore. It didn't mean that I didn't love him, or that what he and I had wasn't real or important, or any of those things. It just meant that I was done being the glue that held them together. I remember being far more frustrated that he and his W continued on with the facade all that time than I was ever frustrated with him or how he and I related.

 

I was given some good advice on here. Several people have said that I should stay completely out of his D and have LC or NC during. I think that is wise advice. It allows him to make his own decisions, based purely on him and what he wants in this life. Of course, with you, it would be the other way around in that your exMM would be allowing you to make your own decisions without him in the mix fogging it up for you and making it even more entangled. 6 months was offered as a possible time amount. I think for me, I'm just going to pull away until the D is finalized, and then maybe give him another 6 months after that. It's hard to let time go by when we are all aware we have so little of it, but I think it's important that he and I have that space, so that if we do try something later on, it is free and clear, and everyone involved actually CHOSE to be there.

 

Good luck again... I will be following your threads, so keep us updated.