not wanting kids

[rainfall]

Why is it such a bad thing when people say they don't want children? I am so tired of people saying to me, "Oh you will change you're mind one day, just wait and see.". No, No I won't. I don't want children and I don't understand why people seem to think its ok to look down on me for my decision. I don't look down on people who decide they want children, so why can't they leave me alone and let me be childless and happy?

[pink_sugar]

This has been an interesting topic lately and I definitely agree. I have many friends who don't desire children and I'm still at an age where I am impartial, but I would like to have kids someday. I don't understand why some women rush into having kids early in life, but that's me. There's plenty of people having kids to make up for those who don't, so it's not like there is a falling birthrate. Not all women are meant to be mothers, plain and simple. This is an interesting read.

 

Laura Carroll: The 'Biological Urge': What's the Truth?

[Radu]

There is a lot of discrimination against those that are childless by choice.

 

Ppl can't understand why, so they apply labels like :

- selfish

- not normal

- something wrong

- it's just a phase

 

Just try to get your tubes tied as a childless woman and see how easy it is.

[january2011]

Unless it's a close friend/family member/pro-children political advocate, they are usually just making conversation.

 

Having children seems to be common conversation fodder when one reaches a certain age - from experience, most people who have children seem to love talking about them. A lot of the time, it might be their own topic of conversation, especially if their lives revolve around their children and they don't have something like work or a separate social life.

 

I say just shake it off as a conversation dead end - it's not as if they actually care whether you have children or not.

[Radu]

Yes, but there are also ppl out there who are unhappy with their choice and so they try to push their choice onto you ... to validate it.

 

You see it a lot in sales.

[pink_sugar]

Yes, but there are also ppl out there who are unhappy with their choice and so they try to push their choice onto you ... to validate it.

 

You see it a lot in sales.

 

Good point, I've seen many women who shouldn't have been mothers pop out kids anyways and then think it's perfectly acceptable to do a minimal job and later disappear from the child's life. I think it's wrong, once you make a decision to have a baby, you're a parent forever. Kudos to those who don't want kids making sure they don't have kids.

[Silly_Girl]

It's fine, your choice confuses people - their issue, not yours.

 

As for 'you'll change your mind', I know it's annoying but it's also extremely common for this to happen, so don't think too harshly of those who spout it at you because it isn't coming from a bad place

[Radu]

It's fine, your choice confuses people - their issue, not yours.

The thing is, ppl like ppl who are like them, who they can relate to.

It's a constant in human history and can be seen in anything from how race relations evolved to gender relations, etc ...

By saying something like this, you do not become one of them, and you will end up alienating up to your entire social circle.

Discrimination against those that choose to be childless does exist but because it is not a 'big' form of discrimination [like race or gender], for most ppl it doesn't register.

If you are in this place, it does register to you.

 

As for 'you'll change your mind', I know it's annoying but it's also extremely common for this to happen, so don't think too harshly of those who spout it at you because it isn't coming from a bad place

It's true, it's generally accepted that a girl that says 'i'm not sure about having kids' if she is under 27 or so, will eventually slide into 'i want to have kids' or 'i'm ok with having kids'.

 

Very few of those that decide early on to be CBC [childless by choice] do in fact stay like that.

 

Funny enough, but the ones who are most incapable of understanding your choice are those in couples with fertility problems, and with an estimated 10% of couples like that ... there are quite a few of them out there.

[Garfish]

It's too bad more people don't choose not to have them. There are already too many humans. Have you heard of the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement? Funny stuff.

 

And how about all these nosy people who ask "when are you gonna get married?" When you're not going to! I used to have a funny pin that said "It's not premarital sex if you're not going to get married!"

Edited August 14, 2012 by Garfish

[MuscleCarFan]

I have a buddy who doesn't want kids and my younger brother doesn't seem to be particularly interested in being a father, but you know what? I really don't care.

 

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. My mother for instance is not cut out for being a mother, but ended up having me (by accident). We have a contentious relationship and hardly see one another (for good reason, since she doesn't make the effort). If you do not desire children, do your self a favor and make damn sure you don't! Your kid(s) may grow up resenting you for not acting like a loving parent!

[pink_sugar]

There's also the saying when people say "You're next" at weddings to someone, that someone says "You're next" to them at funerals. Horrible, I know, but funny.

[madjac74]

I have a buddy who doesn't want kids and my younger brother doesn't seem to be particularly interested in being a father, but you know what? I really don't care.

 

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. My mother for instance is not cut out for being a mother, but ended up having me (by accident). We have a contentious relationship and hardly see one another (for good reason, since she doesn't make the effort). If you do not desire children, do your self a favor and make damn sure you don't! Your kid(s) may grow up resenting you for not acting like a loving parent!

 

You know that despite all your resentment towards your mom and whether she should have had kids or not, you are here because of her "accident" as you call it. Do you get what I'm saying? If she had done things the way you think she should have done things then YOU would not be here to complain about it. Geesh its like Back to the Future 4 here.

 

And trust me kids will find a way to resent their parents regardless of the parent's ability at parenting.

[Radu]

You know that despite all your resentment towards your mom and whether she should have had kids or not, you are here because of her "accident" as you call it. Do you get what I'm saying? If she had done things the way you think she should have done things then YOU would not be here to complain about it. Geesh its like Back to the Future 4 here.

 

And trust me kids will find a way to resent their parents regardless of the parent's ability at parenting.

 

Before spreading pre-packaged wisdom, why don't you look up both MCF's and pink_sugar's old threads about their families.

Or better yet dreamingoftigers's threads, or ask woggle about his mom.

Some ppl have taken so much abuse that 'not have existed' becomes a good option in their lives, and are absolutely horrified at spreading the same things to their kids.

 

Maybe, just maybe, you will understand it.

Hope u get me, ma homie !

Edited August 14, 2012 by Radu

[madjac74]

Before spreading pre-packaged wisdom, why don't you look up both MCF's and pink_sugar's old threads about their families.

Or better yet dreamingoftigers's threads, or ask woggle about his mom.

Some ppl have taken so much abuse that 'not have existed' becomes a good option in their lives, and are absolutely horrified at spreading the same things to their kids.

 

Maybe, just maybe, you will understand it.

Hope u get me, ma homie !

 

No I really don't get ya, homie! I know plenty of people who have been abused and went on to become great parents and lead successful lives. I'm sure many would just assume chose the "I wish I didnt exist" route because it is easier but some people rise above it and appreciate the life they have been given and feel that they can change the pattern of abuse.

 

Hope ya feel me, homie

[Hawaii50]

I agree with RADU.. what they're selling is what they bought.

 

I personally can't wait to be a father, a papa!

 

I've also met some very strong women who also shared your viewpoint Rain, and sometimes it just takes the right man. a Man that will get that clock ticking. not saying it WILL happen to you.. But as I started this paragraph, I've met a lot fo stong independent women who looked at children/family as something they weren't interested.. then only to have months later them tell me after dating me they started feeling the urge. not saying i'm anything magically. but I'm a very loving person and I think if this world is going to get any better the good almost have a duty to procreate as degenerates populate faster and the world become exponentially ****ty.

[Abystarswoman]

Some ppl have taken so much abuse that 'not have existed' becomes a good option in their lives, and are absolutely horrified at spreading the same things to their kids.

 

This is one of the main reasons that I chose not to have children; my entire family has a history of severe depression, and I decided early in life that the best "gift" that I could give my (theoretical) children is to not perpetuate the cycle at all.

 

I made my decision to be childfree (not "childless" - the word childless seems to indicate that I'm missing something in my life, which I am not) at the age of fourteen. I have never, even once, swayed from that opinion. I've had fleeting moments of regret that I couldn't "be like everyone else", follow the mainstream way of thinking, etc. - but actually HAVING children, having to raise them, sacrificing everything for them? I have never regretted THAT decision, ever.

 

I have the utmost respect for people who raise kids - good on them, they have the patience and the maternal/paternal feelings that I simply lack. But I envy them nothing. I have my life, they have theirs.

[Radu]

No I really don't get ya, homie! I know plenty of people who have been abused and went on to become great parents and lead successful lives. I'm sure many would just assume chose the "I wish I didnt exist" route because it is easier but some people rise above it and appreciate the life they have been given and feel that they can change the pattern of abuse.

 

Hope ya feel me, homie

 

Some does not equal all.

It is a choice one makes, some may choose one, some may choose another.

Either way, read those threads and maybe then you will understand it.

 

PS: I'm not your homie.

PPS: Abystarswoman, my experience is nowhere near what pink/mcf/woggle/dot have experienced but i am also scared that i will give my future kids what my grandfather gave to me.

But when i 'fix' myself, things will change.

Edited August 14, 2012 by Radu

[all_hail_me]

Why is it such a bad thing when people say they don't want children? I am so tired of people saying to me, "Oh you will change you're mind one day, just wait and see.". No, No I won't. I don't want children and I don't understand why people seem to think its ok to look down on me for my decision. I don't look down on people who decide they want children, so why can't they leave me alone and let me be childless and happy?

 

It starts out annoying - make a game of it with child-free bingo.

 

Eventually you come to an equilibrium where it doesn't annoy you anymore. A lot of people just don't think about it to be fair, even people who never have kids! And some people are just baby mad.

 

The best way to approach this is to think "to each their own" and think that you were wise enough not to pass your genes onto a world that will be populated with the future offspring of the Radford Family!!!!!

[pink_sugar]

This is one of the main reasons that I chose not to have children; my entire family has a history of severe depression, and I decided early in life that the best "gift" that I could give my (theoretical) children is to not perpetuate the cycle at all.

 

I can definitely respect your decision. I can't tell you how often I've contemplated my family history of depression, anxiety disorders and bi-polar (my aunt also has schizophrenia with bi-polar) and thinking back to my own childhood if having kids is the best idea. My brother and I both have OCD and generalized anxiety disorders as well that have made certain aspects of life difficult for us. My dad's side might also have some mental disorders running in his family that have been undiagnosed. His brother shot himself because his girlfriend cheated on him. Thankfully, my husband is more grounded and stable. I sometimes worry what type of mother I would be or if I could handle having kids and he thinks I will do fine.

[pink_sugar]

No I really don't get ya, homie! I know plenty of people who have been abused and went on to become great parents and lead successful lives. I'm sure many would just assume chose the "I wish I didnt exist" route because it is easier but some people rise above it and appreciate the life they have been given and feel that they can change the pattern of abuse.

 

Hope ya feel me, homie

 

Definitely agree! My mother in law has played the victim all her life and has just made excuses for why she isn't a better mother to her son. She hardly is in his life because she allows his stepfather to control her. It's really pathetic. She likes to say "oh because of my childhood" etc etc. Well, plenty of her siblings were the ones that were abused and not her; they went on to have families and have successful lives.

[dreamingoftigers]

No I really don't get ya, homie! I know plenty of people who have been abused and went on to become great parents and lead successful lives. I'm sure many would just assume chose the "I wish I didnt exist" route because it is easier but some people rise above it and appreciate the life they have been given and feel that they can change the pattern of abuse.

 

Hope ya feel me, homie

 

Yes my parents were/are ridiculous.

 

However, yup, I'm pretty okay with existing and not treating my kid crappy.

[Lizzie60]

There is no problem with not wanting kids..

It's YOUR life.. if people bothers you too much.. tell them to F* off..

Just kidding... tell them it's YOUR life.. YOUR choice.. YOUR business...

[rainfall]

It's true, it's generally accepted that a girl that says 'i'm not sure about having kids' if she is under 27 or so, will eventually slide into 'i want to have kids' or 'i'm ok with having kids'.

.

 

I know alot of people do change their minds at some point. However, I am 31 so I am pretty sure that its not going to happen to me. It is just so annoying that people treat me as if something is wrong with me because I don't want children. I respect their choice to have children, so I just wish they could respect mine to not have them.

[MuscleCarFan]

You know that despite all your resentment towards your mom and whether she should have had kids or not, you are here because of her "accident" as you call it. Do you get what I'm saying? If she had done things the way you think she should have done things then YOU would not be here to complain about it. Geesh its like Back to the Future 4 here.

 

And trust me kids will find a way to resent their parents regardless of the parent's ability at parenting.

 

The only thing I am thankful from my mother is that she brought me into this world. Other than that, not a whole lot else.

[pteromom]

Whether you change your mind in the future or not doesn't matter. This is how you feel now, so just own how you feel.

 

If someone says you'll change your mind someday, just answer with "Maybe." and a shrug. Gives them nothing to argue back about.

 

It's your life, and you have the right to live it the way you want. And if you do change your mind in 10 years, you have the right to change it. And if you don't, you have that right too.