I got angry with MM and demanded to speak to ws/ex...

[Adamgem]

I couldn't stand all the uncertainty and so on so when we were talking this morning I said I wanted to speak to her.

 

At first she did not want to speak to me but after our two hour long conversation she was much happier that she had.

 

I feel a bit strange. I did not believe a word of what he had been telling me but she confirmed every detail. There was no sex for a few years, nothing pleasant and so on.

 

....yes they had split up but she decided she wants him back! She told me she knows he loves me and that I am good for him. She would like us to continue working together.

 

I explained how things were from my point of view.... we spoke very openly and honeslty and made a few jokes along the way.

 

She said she had invested so much in the relationship she was not willing to give it up now. She didn't go through all of that for nothing.

 

She would just like a chance to fix their relationship.... I asked her what if that did not happen? She said she believes he will come back to her. She just needs a chance.

 

She said she was sorry for the threats she had made and that she was feeling very emotional - that it was not her usual calm self....

 

She then explained the things that made her behave that way. I could understand her anger.

 

I am happy I spoke to her. It had to be on the phone because we are in different countries.... I think she feels happier too.

 

I do not know what will happen now. I do not want to be involved with a man that is involved with another woman. She does not want him to leave.

 

I feel sorry for her as I know she is a desperate woman. It will all end in misery but I think her reality is too painful to acknowledge.

 

I hadve a day today with my friend and this might help me find a way out of this mess before he gets back and starts telling me how much he loves me again!

 

I had been thinking he was a psychopath.... I kind of still do although he had not lied to me at all..... there was so much detail in our conversation and all of it correct....

 

I don't have any idea what to do next............. I keep having the feeling that it will end badly for me.

Edited August 14, 2012 by Adamgem

[mercy]

Whatever the outcome at least you two spoke with each other without the middle man (yes, pun intended) and you both can decide your next course of action with honesty.

 

Honesty - a very powerful tool to use in relationships.

[2sure]

I think its important that you spoke to her, so that YOU know your arent secretly harming another person. She has made an informed choice.

 

And youre right to not want to be involved further. She is making all the decisons here & he either agrees or goes along. Her decisions cannot be a part of your life.

[jwi71]

So....what do YOU want?

 

And I hate to admit it, I was wrong - it sounded so d_mn fishy to me.

 

Kudos on calling and speaking to her - getting the story from her side.

 

My advice is to figure out what you want independently of anyone else. Let's face it, someone is going to be heartbroken - you or her. Then I would have some hopefully raw and serious talks about the future with him. As it stands, he has a choice to make in which woman to pursue. Of course, he may choose to continue as is. Is that acceptable to you?

 

Would you accept the role of concubine?

 

Figure out what you want, communicate it with him and then give him reasonable time (a deadline) and hope for the best.

 

It has come to an inflection point which I understand is frightening.

But soon, we hope, you will have a real decision made and you can chart your life accordingly.

 

No matter what, you contacted her and everyone wins. Which is usually the case.

[Adamgem]

Thank you all for your replies. When I posted yesterday I was in quite a positive mood. I thought a lot about what she had said and suggested to him that he give her the chance she so desperately wants.

 

She wanted a week. Give her a month I said. That way she will feel she had her chance to repair their relationship. I said I would stay out of the picture for the month whilst he stayed with her and the children to figure things out.

 

That way she would know it is over. He would be able to resolve things with her and get his properties back etc and I would be certain they are over.....

 

I thought this was a good idea and I though he really wanted to be with me..... so when I suggested it to him I thought he would be more positive about it....

 

At first he said he couldn't stant the thought of being with her for so long.....

 

Then after many conversations he said they would get on 'like a house on fire'.... it was only the sex part that was over!!!

 

ha aha ah hahahahah what an idiot I have been.... all the above comments are spot on. I just didn't and wouldn't see it before!!!

 

I feel repulsed by him. Completely disgusted. My friend coming to visit yesterday really helped me..... of course she would love me to come back to my house.... so what if it is small....she is a real friend. I am lucky.

 

How on earth could I allow myself to be fooled by this older bald, wrinkled necked man? I was so stupid to think I was different!! ha ha ha.... what a fool I have been..

 

other woman... sex on the side.... oh yes you are all right. How incredibly blind have I been.... What an idiot. I am so happy it is over.

 

He will be back today to our home!!! What a mess. His friends will arrive and there are not enough beds. I will probably have to sleep on the floor....

 

OMG! How disgusting. I see him as a completely disgusting worthless human being. I can't believe I have beeen such an idiot.

 

Thank you for your comments. If I had read them yesterday before I spoke to him - I might not have understood them!!! What an idiot I am.... It is great to get feedback from everybody on this board. Now I see the truth.

 

Please god... do not let him suck me in again. Life is too short for this.

[alexandria35]

I'm lost. What did he do to suddenly repulse you? Did he agree to go back and try with his wife?

[Owl]

He told her that his relationship with his wife was different than he originally admitted.

 

Then after many conversations he said they would get on 'like a house on fire'.... it was only the sex part that was over!!!

 

So...she realized that the part of the equation that she was providing was what his wife wasn't...which made her feel used by this MM.

[alexandria35]

He told her that his relationship with his wife was different than he originally admitted.

 

 

 

So...she realized that the part of the equation that she was providing was what his wife wasn't...which made her feel used by this MM.

 

Yeah I saw that but I was having a hard time deciphering the meaning of it. I thought the the phrase "get on like a house on fire" had more negative connotations. Since fires rage and burn out of control, if I heard someone say that I would think they were saying they wouldn't get along well with that person at all. Since he followed up with 'it's only the sex that's over' maybe it does mean something else.

[beach]

A month is not nearly enough time for them to focus on reconciling their M.

 

You would be best to stay away for several years. In fact - go forward and start living YOUR life now.

 

He's got a ton of work to do in his M - and none of it involves you.

 

Respecting that is more useful to everyone.

 

Find the life you were meant to have - with an AVAILABLE man.

[MissBee]

I couldn't stand all the uncertainty and so on so when we were talking this morning I said I wanted to speak to her.

 

At first she did not want to speak to me but after our two hour long conversation she was much happier that she had.

 

I feel a bit strange. I did not believe a word of what he had been telling me but she confirmed every detail. There was no sex for a few years, nothing pleasant and so on.

 

....yes they had split up but she decided she wants him back! She told me she knows he loves me and that I am good for him. She would like us to continue working together.

 

I explained how things were from my point of view.... we spoke very openly and honeslty and made a few jokes along the way.

 

She said she had invested so much in the relationship she was not willing to give it up now. She didn't go through all of that for nothing.

 

She would just like a chance to fix their relationship.... I asked her what if that did not happen? She said she believes he will come back to her. She just needs a chance.

 

She said she was sorry for the threats she had made and that she was feeling very emotional - that it was not her usual calm self....

 

She then explained the things that made her behave that way. I could understand her anger.

 

I am happy I spoke to her. It had to be on the phone because we are in different countries.... I think she feels happier too.

 

I do not know what will happen now. I do not want to be involved with a man that is involved with another woman. She does not want him to leave.

 

I feel sorry for her as I know she is a desperate woman. It will all end in misery but I think her reality is too painful to acknowledge.

I hadve a day today with my friend and this might help me find a way out of this mess before he gets back and starts telling me how much he loves me again!

I had been thinking he was a psychopath.... I kind of still do although he had not lied to me at all..... there was so much detail in our conversation and all of it correct....

I don't have any idea what to do next............. I keep having the feeling that it will end badly for me.

 

Hi Adamgem,

 

I've been reading your story for a while and the take away point I get is that you just don't trust your boyfriend and you don't feel comfortable in the relationship. Insecurity abounds. You may very well be justified in feeling that way. You have constantly been saying you feel it won't end well, how do you know if a MM is lying etc. No one should be in any relationship where every time their man says something they have to cross examine it and talk to his ex and find people to back up his alibi and all that. That's very stressful.

 

If you feel it is a mess and if his wife has spoken to you and believe she will get him back...then you need to find the strength to do what's right for you. One of the worse feelings is when you've continuously felt something was off or gonna end badly and you go against it then it does.

 

What would make you feel comfortable in your relationship?

 

I can't really imagine dating a single guy who had "baby mama drama" or who had an ex who he entertained and who admittedly wants him and certainly a MM with the same is unpleasant. I can certainly imagine why you wouldn't want to be bothered. You should determine the BEST and ideal situation for you and determine if this is it and if this realistically even seems like at some point in the next year it could be it...if not...it's best to count your losses and move on before investing more.

[Silly_Girl]

A month is not nearly enough time for them to focus on reconciling their M.

 

This is true.