What If...

[LaDiva]

Good Morning LS:

 

I'm on Day 6 of NC, even though by chance I ran into him on Saturday in a shopping district..

 

*(the encounter in its self was nasty all together... I was shopping with his oldest daughter and the younger kids were with him and he was telling me I need to stay 50 feet away from him and them at all times)*

 

In my previous posts I focused on my husband's faults like his recent drug use, unemployment etc.

 

But I've been thinking heavily in my heart that it takes two people to be married, and I came to the conclusion that I became resentful of him because of the custody case we went through (and I say we because I was the court appointed Supervisor over the public visitation) and because he was laid off.

 

I've been thinking about the past year and how its all gone awry. Like he was trying to live up to my expectations but maybe I should've just let him be him, after all I married him for him right?

 

I keep thinking about all of the horrible things I said when I left, my friend told me there's a difference between a character assessment of someone and a character assassination.

 

I want to tell him that I apologize for everything I said to him, because that's my stuff, but I can't because of the restraining order.

 

But I keep thinking... what if I had've chose to keep my mouth shut that night and wait until I calmed down?

 

What if me cursing him out and putting him down really just validated all the things he had hoped I WASN'T thinking of him?

 

What if I hadn't told him that I want a divorce? Would he be pushing for one even though I told him I didn't mean it?

 

What if I never told him that he wasn't a man because real men work and support their families?

 

These were all the things he was afraid of me feeling for him because I have gotten promoted since he was laid off and I KNEW it but I drove the stake in anyway because I was pissed off.

 

I just keep thinking about those what ifs and I get extremely sad because I truly think if I hadn't have blown my top that maybe I would not be living with a former co-worker and I would be at home in my bed, next to my husband, my cat and my step-kids.

[ver13]

There are always so many "if I had" but in the end all there is only today this moment. Instead of wondering about what may have happened reach out today and tell him just what you put here. Write a letter and have friend deliver it for you, but you realize that words are like caged birds. Once the get out they never go back in willingly and people tend to remember them flying around.

[LaDiva]

There are always so many "if I had" but in the end all there is only today this moment. Instead of wondering about what may have happened reach out today and tell him just what you put here. Write a letter and have friend deliver it for you, but you realize that words are like caged birds. Once the get out they never go back in willingly and people tend to remember them flying around.

 

I'll be honest, I began writing a letter yesterday, but was thinking to give it to him when we go back to court in October (to decide if I should drop the order of protection) ... wouldn't giving him the letter now, violate my order?

 

I'm not sure if he would even read it at this point. His drug of choice is making him... uh hallucinate and even seem schizo. And when he is not using he spends what I feel is valuable time on the phone (40 minutes until an hour every other day) telling me all the things that he is doing to improve his life - and he makes sure to tell me that he is doing these things without my help. Which I feel is like "There! B***! You said you don't need me well I don't need you."

 

Everytime I bring up the fact that I miss him, he starts generalizing saying that he doesn't miss anybody.

[LaDiva]

But the last time I spoke to him was Tuesday, August 7, so like a week ago, and I feel like I can't even get two words in edgewise... for example I told him on August 6 "Listen, I know what I said, but I was angry, and I'm sorry, I don't want a divorce - I want you. You don't want to admit that you have started to use drugs, and I don't know why you even picked it up, but if I never left you through all of the troubles we have gone through, then what makes you think I would leave you now?"

 

He seemed to be listening until I said "I want to be there for you and support you and to help you through this." WTH as soon as I said "Help" he starts ranting and raving about how he doesn't need or want my help, how can I help him when I don't even know how to help myself.

[LaDiva]

Before I started the no contact, he called me a left me a voice mail stating "It's me and I just want to leave you a telephone number where you can call me at anytime, and I hope you're okay and call me later." I did not return his call so he called me at work.

 

And believe me guys unless he starts getting threatening again, I won't even worry about the restraining order, so I accepted his call. And he was like he was running around to this appointment and to that appointment trying to get his "sh**" together, and I tried to be positive even though I was hurting and I said to him "Great that's good."

 

So I told him that no matter what happens I love him and he said "I've got love for you but you're just my friend." I'm like "Clearly I'm your wife" and he's like "I don't have a wife, I have a soon to be ex-wife."

 

So I guess that is the reason why I started NC, because I am trying to show that I am sorry, but I dunno if he has put up a Diva blocker or is he really serious about not wanting to be with me anymore.

[ver13]

It looks like right now you both have a lot on your plates so to speak. Your H has to work through the drug issue that he is caught up in and sometimes people have to do important things on thier own. The fact that you have a order against contact between you two sort of speaks for it's self. Let him go do him for a minute and you do you. All you can do is take care of yourself right now and if he decides that he needs your help be there for him with his issue. As for the stuff that you said to him sometimes I'm sorry won't get you anywhere at all. With that in mind live and learn that your words have power with those that you love and use them wisely in the future.

[LaDiva]

It looks like right now you both have a lot on your plates so to speak. Your H has to work through the drug issue that he is caught up in and sometimes people have to do important things on thier own. The fact that you have a order against contact between you two sort of speaks for it's self. Let him go do him for a minute and you do you. All you can do is take care of yourself right now and if he decides that he needs your help be there for him with his issue. As for the stuff that you said to him sometimes I'm sorry won't get you anywhere at all. With that in mind live and learn that your words have power with those that you love and use them wisely in the future.

 

Ver, thank you for your response. I have begun focusing on myself, I work full time, but things I stopped doing during the relationship: reading, gym, eating healthy, going out and exploring, I have resumed since last week. I'm still a mess at times, but I often read on this board to at least fake it until you make it.

 

Also I have my first Nar-Anon meeting tonight and my 1st CoDA meeting was yesterday, so I have been journaling a lot more as well as started a prayer journal. I will be the first to admit that I married my H and said that we would stay a three cord strand with our higher power, but I stopped going to church with the need to have to work more hours., so maybe by rebuilding my relationship with myself and with God, the imbalance of things will be restored. But then again I dunno.

 

A mutual friend called me just today and said my H called her last night and he was saying that "Did you know me and Diva are getting a divorce?" Like he is looking for someone that actually knows us to say "Well, its about gosh durn time!"

 

I wonder if he is reaching out to people because he needs a friend and is used to speaking to me about everything?

[ver13]

Well it's good to hear that you are starting to do some of things that you used to do. Establishing a new routine is important to getting on with life as we know it. I really just started fishing again to bring back some balance to my life, well worth it. Look if me is reaching out to other people that you know it's all good just sit back and observe and see if it helps him in the long run. As for the Co Dep classes etc...go in there with a open mind and see what relates to you and your relationship. I have been reach out to my ancestors lately for guidance sometimes we have to turn to that which is greater then us to see where we are going. Just remeber you can plan on tommarow but you have to live in today.