he is so passive that i can't stand it.

[erin]

UGH! i am so tired of feeling like the guy in our relationship. my b'f is so passive that it is ruining my love life. he don't believe in even insisting on making love or asking twice or even trying twice.

 

his attempts is something like kissing a little and if i don't respond with hot passion he thinks i'm not interested when all i'm doing is trying to stir up the passion and make it last longer.

 

i love this guy, i really and truly in my heart love this guy, but it's like if i don't start it, it seldom gets started. what can i do. i thought about this this morning and last night when we went to bed and nothing.

 

i thought, he is not normal, to me normal is a guy who takes it regardless, or who insists on it. i know that it is not normal, but to me that is what i have been use to, now for two years, i have gotten use to this.

 

sometimes i hate it other times i'm glad he's not a sex fiend as others have been, but i want some force sometime, nothing hurtful, just fun. is that strange of me, do i have the problem or him, or is he normal and i'm not?

 

any advise would be appreciated, greatly. thank you.

[Tony T]

You have to let him know what you need and I assume you have done this. He obviously is not willing to oblige.

 

He is who he is. He may have established a passive behavior where it comes to sex because of traumatic rejection in his past or because of other fears deeply seated in his personality.

 

You may just have a communication problem. If you have sat him down and slowly explained to him your needs while he was completely paying attention and he hasn't complied with your wishes, or at least tried, maybe it's just not in him...or maybe he doesn't care. You have to make that decision.

 

There may be medical or psychological problems involved. Fatigue, stress, financial worries, performance anxiety, the effects of illegal or prescription drugs, excessive masturbation, high blood pressure, other sexual addictions, and a host of other things can significantly reduce a man's inclination to be sexually agressive. Have a doctor and/or psychiatrist check him out if he wants to get better. The above are just possibilities and NOT necessarily the cause.

 

A counsellor may be able to help him. But if he has been this way from the start and you continued to see him hoping he would change, you have to take the responsiblity here. No person is obligated to change for another. If he did not misrepresent himself initially, then see if he will be kind enough to work with you on more agressive behavior. If he is unwilling, he is not in the wrong. You accepted him that way.

 

If this is a very serious issue with you, and it seems it is, you may just have to seek a partner who is more physical and agressive. Everybody is different and you have to find someone whose behavior is acceptable to you. Now, if you think you can deal with him the way he is, then sit back and relax. But don't put a burden on him to change. He is being himself and that's more than a lot of phonies out there.

 

I hope you can work this out. It will take some energy on the part of both of you.

[Joe]

Erin.....i can relate to this issue u are having. I too am a passive person. Please by all means communicate to him that this behavior displeases you. Don't play games with him and hope he catches on. Just have a mature talk about how you feel and what you want from him. Relationships are all about sacrifice and compromise. If he doesn't respond to your request after some time maybe it is time to move on. And at least you gave him an opportunity to change. Passiveness can be quite irritating but it's not intentional. My passiveness is pleasing others by just accepting things, even if i disagree, just to not argue or hurt others. This may be the case with your man. He might just be accepting things and not being aggressive for the sake of displeasing you. Talk with him find out what's in his head who knows maybe he might want to be agressive towards you but thinks your not ok with it. But by all means DON'T do what my ex did to me. Her way of communicating her displeasure of my passiveness was cheating off and on me for two years in hope I would realize what she was doing and fight for her. Don't go there.

 

Take care.....hope things work out

 

Joe

[erin]

Erin.....i can relate to this issue u are having. I too am a passive person. Please by all means communicate to him that this behavior displeases you. Don't play games with him and hope he catches on. Just have a mature talk about how you feel and what you want from him. Relationships are all about sacrifice and compromise. If he doesn't respond to your request after some time maybe it is time to move on. And at least you gave him an opportunity to change. Passiveness can be quite irritating but it's not intentional. My passiveness is pleasing others by just accepting things, even if i disagree, just to not argue or hurt others. This may be the case with your man. He might just be accepting things and not being aggressive for the sake of displeasing you. Talk with him find out what's in his head who knows maybe he might want to be agressive towards you but thinks your not ok with it. But by all means DON'T do what my ex did to me. Her way of communicating her displeasure of my passiveness was cheating off and on me for two years in hope I would realize what she was doing and fight for her. Don't go there. Take care.....hope things work out Joe

 

thank you both for the advise. i guess i should of added that that is his personality, he says he would never force a woman to have sex with him. all i want is a little forwardness or something, not rape.

 

i love him to much to hurt him. in fact i have never mentioned this to him, i just accepted him as being this way. i just wish i could make him want to be a little more assertive. but i guess if that is the way he is then i can live with it. the last thing i want to do is hurt is manhood. i do love him too much to hurt him, i just thought maybe someone had some ideas on how to get a guy to be more agressive. but that is o.k. i can live with it. he is a good lover, very good, dispite his passiveness. thank you both...........erin....

[Joe]

Erin....well now that we have established that u just want him to be more agressive, there are things u as a woman can do. I don't know how far u will go sexually but teasing him will definetly get his attention. Invite him in the room put on sexy clothes, blindfold him, undress him and I think u can take it from there. Just kissing on the couch, then going into the room, turning off the light, and going for it isn't going to make him agressive. But if u tease him for like a good half hour or so believe he will get agressive!! He'll want u so bad. I hope this message isn't too explicit, just some personal experience of mine.

 

Joe

[Ewor]

I know this post is a week stale, but I'm here for the first time and this really caught my eye.

 

Tony, Joe--you guys are missing the boat here. erin wants her lover to keep on coming on and not give up so easily. The advice about not playing games is OK, if you mean don't pretend not to want him. If this guy is anything like me, he has been hurt and hurt bad by women who have pushed him away. He'll chew glass before he seeks out more of that kind of abuse. erin, you need to be extra-careful when he shows you affection. Respond positively. Don't say 'no' in any form--if you ablolutely have to, say 'later'. If he's going too fast for you, there are much better ways of slowing things down for him while you get a chance to catch up. You have got to understand that the simple act of pushing his hand away is like kicking him in the balls--no, worse, it's stomping on his heart. Maybe your other lovers got off on getting angry and you were excited by the power of their emotions. You know he's not like them. If you think he's a keeper, then he needs that sexual healing. Only when he is completely comfortable and secure in your love will you be able to bring a little role playing into the fun. This is a lot of trouble and a lot of patience and yes, it's going to take time. If you haven't understood any of this, then either I'm way off base or you aren't the woman who can heal him. If I'm right, (and pretend I'm saying this real loud) he will never be like your other lovers. If you can heal him, he can learn to pretend to be rough and all, but it has to be pretend. You don't want to make him really angry because that won't be fun for either of you. Enough said. Good luck. If you need help with the mechanics, someone here can probably advise or over at iniquity.com are some more good folks. God bless you both, whatever you decide.