Separated, Wife Wants Divorce And Has Boyfriend, I Do Not - Please Help

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MY WIFE CALLED ME AT WORK ON 5/23 AFTER HOUSE-SITTING FOR A FRIEND THE PREVIOUS WEEK TO ADVISE ME THAT SHE WANTED ME TO MOVE OUT AND SHE WAS GOING TO TALK TO AN ATTORNEY THE FOLLOWING WEEK TO SEE ABOUT FILING A DIVORCE. THIS CAUGHT ME OFF-GUARD AS THINGS SEEMED TO BE GETTING BETTER, CONSIDERING. I HAVE HAD PROBLEMS SATISFYING HER SEXUALLY FOR ABOUT THE LAST 2 YEARS DUE TO SEVERAL MEDICAL PROBLEMS (HYPERTENSION, HIGH CHOLESTEROL, LOWERED TESTOSTERONE LEVELS, ETC.). SHE HAD TRIED TO SPEAK TO ME ABOUT THIS SEVERAL TIMES IN THE PAST, BUT I JUST FIGURED I WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT IN TIME AND JUST FORGOT ABOUT THINGS. WE WOULD SOMETIMES GO 1-1 1/2 MONTHS W/OUT HAVING SEX.

 

SHE IS ALREADY DATING SOMEONE - WHO I AM SURE WAS "WAITING IN THE WINGS" PRIOR TO HER ASKING ME TO MOVE OUT AS SHE STARTED CALLING HIS CELL PHONE EVERY SINGLE DAY, STARTING ABOUT 4 DAYS BEFORE SHE BROKE THE NEWS TO ME (ACCORDING TO OUR CELL PHONE RECORDS). SHE INITIALLY TRIED TO TELL ME HE WAS "JUST A FRIEND" AND THAT HE WAS GAY, THEN THEY WERE "JUST FRIENDS" AND HE WAS NOT GAY, THEN THEY HAVE BEEN DATING, NOW THEY DID NOT HAVE SEX UNTIL LAST THURSDAY AND THEY HAD SEX A TOTAL OF 12 TIMES FROM LAST WEDNESDAY TO THIS MONDAY. SHE LEFT OUR APARTMENT LAST WEDNESDAY AFTER GETTING PISSED AT ME FOR ASKING HER WHAT WAS GOING ON, TELLING ME THAT SHE WAS GOING TO SPEND THE NIGHT AT HER FRIEND JENNIFER'S. HOWEVER, ABOUT 25 MIN AFTER SHE LEFT, SHE CALLED ME TO TELL ME THAT SHE BORROWED SOME $ FROM JENNIFER AND WAS GOING TO STAY AT A HOTEL SO I WOULDN'T GO BY JENNIFER'S AND HASSLE THEM. I SHOULD ALSO ADD THAT THE WEEK OF JUNE 20-27 SHE STAYED AT JENNIFER'S HOUSE WHILE SHE WAS IN HAWAII WITH HER KIDS. I WENT BY THERE THE FIRST TWO NIGHTS SHE WAS STAYING THERE AND SAW A RED FORD EXPLORER IN THE D/W BESIDE HER CAR AT 3 A.M. - ALL LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE OFF. SHE FIRST TRIED TO TELL ME THE EXPLORER BELONGED TO THE GUY WHO WAS WORKING ON THE POOL - WHICH WAS RIDICULOUS AS IT HAD A PARKING STICKER ON THE WINDSHIELD FROM THE SAME PLACE THAT SHE WORKS. WHEN CONFRONTED WITH THIS, SHE SAID THE POOL GUY WAS A SECURITY GUARD AT USAA INSURANCE WHERE SHE WORKS AND HE SOMETIMES LEFT HIS TRUCK THERE OVERNIGHT.

 

I HAVE SPOKEN W/THE WIFE OF THE OW - THEY HAVE BEEN SEPARATED SINCE 12/02 AND HAVE 3 SMALL CHILDREN TOGETHER. SHE ADVISED ME THAT HE HAS HAD SERIAL AFFAIRS ON HER SINCE THEY FIRST GOT TOGETHER ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO AND THAT MY WIFE MIGHT THINK SHE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL AS HE KNOWS HOT TO TALK SMOOTH TO THE LADIES, BUT SHE IS JUST A "PIECE OF ASS" TO HIM. SHE ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE SOMETIMES MEETS PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AND THEN GOES TO THEIR LOCATION TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM, 3-SOMES, WHATEVER. SHE SAID HE WILL "DO IT" WITH ANYONE - MAN OR WOMAN. OF COURSE MY WIFE THINKS HE IS THE GREATEST THING AND TALKS ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL A GUY HE IS AND THAT SHE DOESN'T CARE IF THEY ARE ONLY TOGETHER FOR THE SEX - WHICH IS HILARIOUS B/C HIS WIFE GAVE ME COPIES OF LOVER LETTERS MY WIFE GAVE HIM SAYING HOW HE IS THE GREATEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER AND THAT SHE CAN'T BELIEVE HE IS HERS. THE NIGHT BEFORE I MOVED OUT I OVERHEARD HER TALKING TO HIM ON HER CELL PHONE IN THE BATHROOM, TELLING HIM THAT SHE LOVED HIM, TOO.

 

I AM LITERALLY TORN APART OVER ALL OF THIS - TELLING MY WIFE THAT I WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET HER BACK AND WILL WAIT INDEFINITELY AS I CANNOT IMAGINE MYSELF BEING WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN HER AND THAT I HAVE NEVER WANTED ANOTHER WOMAN SINCE THE DAY I FIRST MET HER SIX YEARS AGO. SHE TELLS ME THAT "RIGHT NOW" SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GET BACK WITH ME AND SHE IS ENJOYING HERSELF BECAUSE I HAVE GIVEN HER "SCARS" FROM THE LAST 2-3 YEARS FROM MAKING HER FEEL UNWANTED AND SPURNING HER ADVANCES FOR SEX - WHICH I, UNFORTUNATELY, DID. I JUST WANT ANOTHER CHANCE TO MAKE THIS RIGHT AND SHOW HER THAT SHE IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE, MY REASONS FOR EXISTING, THE CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE. I TOLD HER THAT I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE HAS TO DO TO FIGURE OUT IF SHE TRULY WANTS ME OUT OF HER LIFE, JUST TO GIVE IT SOME TIME, DATE/HAVE SEX WITH WHOMEVER SHE WANTS AS I AM JUST GOING TO WORK ON IMPROVING MYSELF AND HAVE NO PLANS ON DATING ANYONE, LET ALONE HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE.

 

ANY INPUT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED AS I AM LOSING MY MIND EVERY DAY AND FIND IT HARD TO MAKE IT FROM DAY TO DAY - SUICIDAL THOUGHTS HAVE OBVIOUSLY ENTERED MY MIND. I HAVE BEEN GOING TO COUNSELING AND AM STARTING W/ANOTHER THERAPIST ON FRIDAY.

[SoleMate]

Very painful situation. I think we all should realize by now that if a marriage has problems, just "closing our eyes" will not make them go away.

 

Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. And congratulations on focussing on getting yourself healthy.

 

Your wife became very vulnerable to another man's sexual advances because of the problems you two were having. No doubt, she will be having her eyes opened before too long about his true nature. However, that is really her problem, not yours. Don't attack the OM, as wide a target as he may seem to be. If you can work on being a better husband to her, then when she is on the rebound from this user, you will have your chance to rebuild a marriage based on meeting each other's needs.

 

And please work with your therapist on the suicidal urges. You know that it really isn't an answer. The pain will lessen - quicker than you might think. You do have hope, and reasons to live.

 

ALSO, PLEASE HIT THE CAPS LOCK KEY. THANK YOU.

[azgirl]

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Wow. I'm so sorry to hear your story. I understand how you feel and hopefully I can help. First of all - STOP the suicidal thoughts. I know you are hurting right now and I, too, have had the same type of toughts in my darkest moments (recently). Here is the deal, though - I know you want her back more than anything, but she f***ing cheated on you, man! That's not only cruel and heartless, but disrespectful. I realize that you two were having sexual problems, but still. If she was that dissatisfied she should have had the balls and the respect to tell you how much the lack of sex was hurting you and TELL you that it was making her want to leave you. Maybe that would have shown you how serious the issue was and you would have woken up and done something about it.

 

Plus, she is not even being honest with you right now. Lies, lies, lies. That is all you are getting from her. Could you ever trust her again??? If I were you I know what my answer would be. A resounding NO! I know it is hard, but I will tell you what everyone tells ... well everyone else on this forum - take care of yourself right now. Concentrate on getting your medical problems resolved, getting healthy again (physically and mentally) and if she wants out - let her go. I know it is easier said then done, but you gotta do what's best for you. Aren't you angry with her? Not just for the cheating, but also ALL the lying???

 

I'm sooo sorry that you are hurting right now! I'm here if you need to talk.

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I did not mention in my previous post that she had mentioned about 2 or 3 years ago that I would eventually lose her if I did not get help for my problem. I went on Testosterone replacement therapy for about 2 or 3 months, but I did not follow through with it. We have had so many problems going on in our life that I just forgot about things and thought that I would eventually get around to them, so I know that I have a part in this. However, I would never, in a million years, ever dream of having sex outside of my marriage, no matter how bad things were, or what was going on. I don't even want to now, as I feel that 2 wrongs don't make a right. I asked her to hold off on any divorce filing until we have given it at the very least 6 mos - 1 year, and she sometimes says that she hasn't filed for divorce b/c she can't afford it. The last thing in my life that I want is to be divorced from her and I want her to go to counseling, however, she says it is too late to do anything. I should also mention that her new b/f is black and that his wife told me the old folk tale that you hear about black men is true with him - so she is probably enjoying herself immensely. She did not want to tell me, but I asked her to be honest about their sex and she said it was better than ours because he can go for 45 min - 1 hour before climax. I then told her that may be the case, but she can't tell me it gives her the same emotional feeling as when we made love, to which she agreed. I also told her that she should remember that they are only f****** and we never did anything but make love.

 

I cherish her and feel that right now she is showing no respect for herself/body or me by her actions. He is taking her to San Diego next week - apparently he is taking her everywhere and paying for everything, something which I could not even dream of doing b/c of our financial mess that I was in when I moved out. We still have our cars on the same insurance policy, separate bank accounts, but both of us are on each others account and we help each other out with $ from week to week as we get paid on alternate weeks.

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azgirl, I would really like to talk to you as you seem to have a good grasp/perspective on things. Send me a private message.

 

Thanks