Best Friends Wife

[ab320]

Ok so I am new to this message board, and the internet forum thing in general, but after about a full year of being absolutely miserable I figured it was worth trying to see if it helped. Hopefully there are some understanding people out there who can relate or share some sort of advice.

 

So here this goes. In an attempt to not make this super long I am going to attempt to tell most of the back story and also get to the root of what is bothering me. Roughly 5 years ago I started what most would consider a physical relationship with my best friends girlfriend (now wife). This was not something I pursued or initiated, rather my friend asked me if I would entertain the idea because 1) his GF found me very attractive and 2) they shared an open relationship. After much deliberation and feelings back and forth I did eventually get sucked into participating.

 

For the first year it was not very serious, more so exactly what I said, a physical relationship where both parties could release some stress and anxiety through being sexually involved with someone different. It was amazing, honestly. Unlike anything I had experienced before (or ever, that's why I am here). During this time period it was fairly PG-13; a lot of flirting, touching, heavier touching, kissing, texting, etc. but we never really took it to that next level (no oral, no intercourse). As time went on, we got more comfortable, and the emotions/feelings started to grow; things began to change.

 

After roughly 1 to 2 years of this happening, mind you I am still super close with my best friend (nothing had been damaged, nothing was weird, it was rarely ever even talked about), things did slowly change. The GF started to get emotionally attached, and things got more serious. We were starting to bend the ground rules here and there. We were starting to alter things that we could do so we could be around each other. And we were also allowing the sessions to get more and more intense (more intercourse etc.). I never felt emotionally attached at the time, but I was just hiding from it in order to try and make another relationship work, plus this was just fun right?

 

Long story short this continued to happen for roughly about 5 years. After a few situations where things got a little sticky with my best friend, it actually got more serious, but with more rules. He needed to know about everything, he sometimes wanted to be present, and if he wasn't he wanted it taped or wanted to watch it. He still, however, was ok with his GF and I doing this, and I believe actually enjoyed and wanted her to take part in this. Through this whole thing it was obvious what was happening. Neither of us could handle our feelings and both started to get very very attached. We talked every day, texted constantly, would send pictures, talk dirty to eachother, you name it, we did it.

 

Basically what happened was we fell in love. Fast forward another year and this couple is married and I have actually decided to restart my whole life because of "her". I fell for her hard. Really hard. I think she feels the same way, and she has said it before. But she is a married woman, and worst of all to my best friend. The sexual contact happened up until the last night that I left town. I had never physically experienced anything that would even come close to the satisfaction I received with her; and she would often say she felt the same way. I feel as if I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly do to get away from this, yet I cant. I talk to them both almost every day still. I am still best friends with her husband, even after some weird situations where her or I expressed our want to possibly be together. I am still depresssed, lonely, unsure of myself, feeling lost, feeling like I will never meet anyone like her. The worst part is I really dont want to meet someone else, bc I dont think they can even come close to comparing to this girl. I have no idea what to do and feel like I have already attempted to do everything. Her and I have basically came to the conclusion that they best thing for me to do is find a new GF who is willing to take part in the almost 3 way relationship right now. What do I do, wont this defeat the purpose of finding someone else knowing I am only doing it so I can still be physically and emotionally involved with my best friends wife?

[pteromom]

I feel as if I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly do to get away from this, yet I cant. I talk to them both almost every day still.

 

This is contradictory. You haven't done ANYTHING to get away from this. You need to break from both of them.

 

The worst part is I really dont want to meet someone else, bc I dont think they can even come close to comparing to this girl.

 

What does this really mean? That sexually, nobody would come close to her? That she's the best person you've ever met? Because honestly, no matter how she SAID she felt about you, she still chose to marry him. So pay attention to her actions, not her words.

 

I have no idea what to do and feel like I have already attempted to do everything. Her and I have basically came to the conclusion that they best thing for me to do is find a new GF who is willing to take part in the almost 3 way relationship right now. What do I do, wont this defeat the purpose of finding someone else knowing I am only doing it so I can still be physically and emotionally involved with my best friends wife?

 

Of course it defeats the purpose. She wants to have her cake and eat it. She wants to continue to have you, but will never commit to you. And what girl would want to date you, knowing you are in love with someone else anyway?

 

The best thing for you to do is to stop all contact with them, take a little time on your own to "re-normalize", and then go out and date and find someone who wants you - and only you.

[ab320]

I am just not sure if cutting all contact is a possibility. They have been the two I have been closest to forever. They are family friends etc. I have done "some" things. I literally moved 3/4 of the way across the US to get away from it, because I was not sure if I could handle it anymore. I am just not sure if NC is even a possible solution right now.

[CarrieT]

Does the best friend know you have feelings for his wife?

[road]

Another threesome story gone bad. No one ever learns.

[ab320]

Carrie,

 

Yes the friend knows. I can't say he knows the complete story of everything. Like I said there were moments where we would step outside of the boundaries created, which led to problems. No matter how many times he saw this happen, he would still allow her to continue her relationship with me. And like a dumbass, I would never say no. And still wouldnt.

[CarrieT]

Yes the friend knows. I can't say he knows the complete story of everything.

 

I think it is time to come clean with the friend. Bare it all out and explain the difficulty. That is the first step to fixing the situation you are in.

 

Then, I would say, explain to the two of them together why you have to go No Contact for a while - maybe a year or more - until you can clear your head of your obsession with this woman.

 

If they are the friends you hope they are, they will understand. You need to get your own life and your own focus, away from these people before you can start to heal and desire other women.

[Brightmoon]

Gosh, you are being used... Those two will always have each other. They are very selfish people.

[ab320]

Brightmoon,

 

Why do you think I am being used, just curious. Not to say you are wrong, I just never really saw it that way. For something at a few different moments though to cause a lot of confusion for them, I can't understand why they would want to continue doing it. It is a very confusing situation, and it's nearly impossible to explain everything in that initial post.

 

I had told her for a while that we probably could not be friends. But based off of mutual friends, similar interests, etc it seemed nearly impossible to pull off; especially with others wondering why I would have spent a ton of time with them before and then all of the sudden we dont talk. Moving was step one for me, and I told her I had to do it because of her. I simply eventually could not handle it anymore, being around her, makes me only think about her and actually want to be with her.

[Artie Lang]

Dude... WTF?!

Edited August 14, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Emme]

Congratulations on breaking free from this raunchy circumstance. You were a willing participant but in a sense you were used as Brightmoon suggests. They will always have each other. You are the party that stands alone. I think your close friendship should end. Your services are no longer needed. The influence of changing your life due to her suggestion says a great deal, don't give her any more power. She can keep her suggestion to herself. Next thing you know she'd want a foursome with whoever you choose to continue that lifestyle. Who were you before you were in a part of this? That is where you should start from. Not finding a partner to ease the pain and place you in a comfortable sexual setting. You need to figure out who you are. Without any influence from them in your life. I'm sorry you got pulled into this without assessing the risk factor.

 

Stop worrying about what others will think if you sever this relationship. They are the least of your worries. You're a broken man. Keep your distance and patch yourself back together. Good luck.

[Fugu]

Ok so I am new to this message board, and the internet forum thing in general, but after about a full year of being absolutely miserable I figured it was worth trying to see if it helped. Hopefully there are some understanding people out there who can relate or share some sort of advice.

 

So here this goes. In an attempt to not make this super long I am going to attempt to tell most of the back story and also get to the root of what is bothering me. Roughly 5 years ago I started what most would consider a physical relationship with my best friends girlfriend (now wife). This was not something I pursued or initiated, rather my friend asked me if I would entertain the idea because 1) his GF found me very attractive and 2) they shared an open relationship. After much deliberation and feelings back and forth I did eventually get sucked into participating.

 

For the first year it was not very serious, more so exactly what I said, a physical relationship where both parties could release some stress and anxiety through being sexually involved with someone different. It was amazing, honestly. Unlike anything I had experienced before (or ever, that's why I am here). During this time period it was fairly PG-13; a lot of flirting, touching, heavier touching, kissing, texting, etc. but we never really took it to that next level (no oral, no intercourse). As time went on, we got more comfortable, and the emotions/feelings started to grow; things began to change.

 

After roughly 1 to 2 years of this happening, mind you I am still super close with my best friend (nothing had been damaged, nothing was weird, it was rarely ever even talked about), things did slowly change. The GF started to get emotionally attached, and things got more serious. We were starting to bend the ground rules here and there. We were starting to alter things that we could do so we could be around each other. And we were also allowing the sessions to get more and more intense (more intercourse etc.). I never felt emotionally attached at the time, but I was just hiding from it in order to try and make another relationship work, plus this was just fun right?

 

Long story short this continued to happen for roughly about 5 years. After a few situations where things got a little sticky with my best friend, it actually got more serious, but with more rules. He needed to know about everything, he sometimes wanted to be present, and if he wasn't he wanted it taped or wanted to watch it. He still, however, was ok with his GF and I doing this, and I believe actually enjoyed and wanted her to take part in this. Through this whole thing it was obvious what was happening. Neither of us could handle our feelings and both started to get very very attached. We talked every day, texted constantly, would send pictures, talk dirty to eachother, you name it, we did it.

 

Basically what happened was we fell in love. Fast forward another year and this couple is married and I have actually decided to restart my whole life because of "her". I fell for her hard. Really hard. I think she feels the same way, and she has said it before. But she is a married woman, and worst of all to my best friend. The sexual contact happened up until the last night that I left town. I had never physically experienced anything that would even come close to the satisfaction I received with her; and she would often say she felt the same way. I feel as if I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly do to get away from this, yet I cant. I talk to them both almost every day still. I am still best friends with her husband, even after some weird situations where her or I expressed our want to possibly be together. I am still depresssed, lonely, unsure of myself, feeling lost, feeling like I will never meet anyone like her. The worst part is I really dont want to meet someone else, bc I dont think they can even come close to comparing to this girl. I have no idea what to do and feel like I have already attempted to do everything. Her and I have basically came to the conclusion that they best thing for me to do is find a new GF who is willing to take part in the almost 3 way relationship right now. What do I do, wont this defeat the purpose of finding someone else knowing I am only doing it so I can still be physically and emotionally involved with my best friends wife?

 

Having a boner for your friend's wife is probably natural, but most dudes wank and get it over with. Actually acting upon these fantasies...I can't tell you how low that is. That is just f*cked up. That's the worst thing you could do to a friend.

[woinlove]

I agree with CarrieT, that you should talk openly with all 3 of them. I'm surprised this hasn't happened, multiple times, already, the 3 of your really baring your emotions, feelings, desires, in your case, your hurt and unhappiness combined with your strong feelings for her. Some people can love more than one person happily, but you don't sound like one of them, and so, for yourself, you may need to go through NC in order to distance yourself, and be able to meet a partner committed just to you, if that is what you need and want.

[spice4life]

Since everything is out in the open you need to tell your best friend exactly how you are feeling and why. What do you have to lose really? Not a thing. He allowed this, so I am sure he is very aware of the risks involved. It should not come as a surprise to hm. If he is truly a friend then he will care enough to help stop the insanity of it all.

[nofool4u]

Wow, a great friend.

[veryhappy]

It's clearly not a lifestyle for you, but seems to be the lifestyle for her. If you were together, she'd want to continue having other people. I suppose it's worth trying if you want to be with her to give her an ultimatum, and stop what you are doing. I want to stress that you wouldn't only ask her to change partners, but also lifestyle.

 

As long as your friendship has been, do what you need to do to stay sane. Sometimes we lose friends, or don't really keep in contact for a while.

[ab320]

CuteDragon,

 

To be honest with you, I feel as if she has been asked/talked into taking on this lifestyle. And that is not to say that she does not enjoy it. I do know on a few occasions there were other partners, however for the past 5 years it was basically me. If it were not for her husband, I am really not sure that she would choose this lifestyle as she has hinted at that before. Sometimes I feel as if she is just doing it in order to please him, and then through me (being someone that was comfortable to be around) it has turned into another monster. The worst thing is, we tried cutting out the sexual aspect and just being friends, and needless to say that only lasted so long. At first it was something i was extremely weary about, but after some time it started to feel "normal". Almost to the point where I actually would like to find a partner so that we could continue this, and I know that is how she feels.

[ab320]

On top of all of that, if somehow we wound up "together" and she wanted to continue experimenting; I would probably allow it as long as the communication was there so that grey areas were never crossed.

[woinlove]

ab320, what is it you would like? From your posts, it sounds like you would like her to divorce her H and be with you in a committed, possibly monogamous, relationship. Is that correct? If so, have you discussed this (or whatever it is that you do want) with her and her H and what was the reaction from each of them? If not, why haven't you discussed what you really want?

[FelicityShot]

Ok so I am new to this message board, and the internet forum thing in general, but after about a full year of being absolutely miserable I figured it was worth trying to see if it helped. Hopefully there are some understanding people out there who can relate or share some sort of advice.

 

So here this goes. In an attempt to not make this super long I am going to attempt to tell most of the back story and also get to the root of what is bothering me. Roughly 5 years ago I started what most would consider a physical relationship with my best friends girlfriend (now wife). This was not something I pursued or initiated, rather my friend asked me if I would entertain the idea because 1) his GF found me very attractive and 2) they shared an open relationship. After much deliberation and feelings back and forth I did eventually get sucked into participating.

 

For the first year it was not very serious, more so exactly what I said, a physical relationship where both parties could release some stress and anxiety through being sexually involved with someone different. It was amazing, honestly. Unlike anything I had experienced before (or ever, that's why I am here). During this time period it was fairly PG-13; a lot of flirting, touching, heavier touching, kissing, texting, etc. but we never really took it to that next level (no oral, no intercourse). As time went on, we got more comfortable, and the emotions/feelings started to grow; things began to change.

 

After roughly 1 to 2 years of this happening, mind you I am still super close with my best friend (nothing had been damaged, nothing was weird, it was rarely ever even talked about), things did slowly change. The GF started to get emotionally attached, and things got more serious. We were starting to bend the ground rules here and there. We were starting to alter things that we could do so we could be around each other. And we were also allowing the sessions to get more and more intense (more intercourse etc.). I never felt emotionally attached at the time, but I was just hiding from it in order to try and make another relationship work, plus this was just fun right?

 

Long story short this continued to happen for roughly about 5 years. After a few situations where things got a little sticky with my best friend, it actually got more serious, but with more rules. He needed to know about everything, he sometimes wanted to be present, and if he wasn't he wanted it taped or wanted to watch it. He still, however, was ok with his GF and I doing this, and I believe actually enjoyed and wanted her to take part in this. Through this whole thing it was obvious what was happening. Neither of us could handle our feelings and both started to get very very attached. We talked every day, texted constantly, would send pictures, talk dirty to eachother, you name it, we did it.

 

Basically what happened was we fell in love. Fast forward another year and this couple is married and I have actually decided to restart my whole life because of "her". I fell for her hard. Really hard. I think she feels the same way, and she has said it before. But she is a married woman, and worst of all to my best friend. The sexual contact happened up until the last night that I left town. I had never physically experienced anything that would even come close to the satisfaction I received with her; and she would often say she felt the same way. I feel as if I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly do to get away from this, yet I cant. I talk to them both almost every day still. I am still best friends with her husband, even after some weird situations where her or I expressed our want to possibly be together. I am still depresssed, lonely, unsure of myself, feeling lost, feeling like I will never meet anyone like her. The worst part is I really dont want to meet someone else, bc I dont think they can even come close to comparing to this girl. I have no idea what to do and feel like I have already attempted to do everything. Her and I have basically came to the conclusion that they best thing for me to do is find a new GF who is willing to take part in the almost 3 way relationship right now. What do I do, wont this defeat the purpose of finding someone else knowing I am only doing it so I can still be physically and emotionally involved with my best friends wife?

 

I can safely say that after your promise to keep things short, then seeing what was required of the reader, plus the similar feelings I have had before with similar long posts, I thought you must be a troll.

 

Troll or no, you will get a much bigger response from more honed summaries.

 

Given practice, you may kick up quite a storm.

 

Good effort, try harder.