How to Dodge trips with in-laws?

[RiverRunning]

I mentioned my in-laws and some of their antics in this thread. In-short: my in-laws-to-be (primarily, FMIL, FSIL and FBIL) are meddlesome, quarrelsome, nosy, passive-aggressive, and loads of other things, to make the story short. I am tired of being patronized especially every time I have to deal with FBIL and FSIL just because they're insecure about themselves or something.

 

My fiancee wants to visit them for a week in their home state (we're in the Midwest, they're in Maryland). He also wants to stay with them. A few years back, we did this...and did not have a single day alone. We mostly sat on FSIL's couch, talking to her, etc. I was always polite and helpful while there.

 

They are also coming here for two days next week (to stay with us) and in December, FI wants to go back for a few days to see his new niece after she's born. Awesome...

 

The thought of even having them in my home for two days makes me furious. They're so disrespectful to me in general (I keep my cool).

 

I can tolerate them coming for two-three days for her baby shower, although I plan to make myself scarce and communicate as little as possible. But what I can't contend with is the WEEK with them next month.

 

At first, I talked to FI and we thought about spending 2 or so days during that week going off to a few cities on our own. But that leaves another 4 - 5 solid days of interacting with these people. My own fiancee says he's uncomfortable around them and doesn't have that much to say. I think I could take up to 2, possibly 3 days, of visiting them in a week, but anymore than that and I am very uncomfortable.

 

It's getting to the point that I'm getting very depressed and anxious about the whole thing. I've tried to talk to my fiancee about not going, and his response is: "This puts me in an awkward spot, do you see that? I just want to go and have a drama-free week."

 

No matter how much he claims to 'see my side of things,' he's too busy making excuses for his sister's behavior and, to me it seems, just expects me to keep my mouth shut while these people talk down to me (examples in other thread).

 

I am strongly considering telling him that I'm for certain not going. I've thought about using work as an excuse (while my job is actually quite flexible, I think I should tell him to tell them that it's a contract job and I have to be home and at work to do it). I've also thought about using my grandma as an excuse, as she's very sick (I know, terrible!). I'm that serious about not having to spend a total of 2 weeks with these people over the next few months.

 

Longer-term, I know I am going to have to tolerate them some. But anymore than 2 days at a time is far too much. I can't talk about -anything- around them without it becoming a debate or an opportunity for FSIL and FBIL to show how smart they are (and they are not, trust me on this one, very smart).

 

How do I approach my fiancee about this? I know it upsets him and he gets angry, but am I wrong for feeling like I can't take anymore of these people? They're so combative!

[pink_sugar]

Difficult relations with in-laws are hard enough, especially before you're even married. However, when your spouse isn't on your side, it's even harder. This will be a very difficult marriage if he isn't on your side and you are unable to tolerate them. I've seen people avoid in-laws at all costs and it's really no good way to start off a marriage, especially when relations are already tense. You need to be honest with your fiancee and tell him how you feel about his family and how you want them to treat you. If he cannot handle that and you cannot learn to tolerate them, I would postpone the marriage. I know from experience that starting a marriage this way can lead to a lot of future issues and resentment. Good luck!

[2sure]

Family obligations must be honored. Spending a weeks vacation with family is not an obligation.

[RiverRunning]

We've discussed the issue to varying degrees a few times over the last week or so...

 

I don't feel he is being very outwardly supportive of me. I.e., he seems to understand my reasoning and believes that his sister and brother-in-law have been rude or passive-aggressive to me, although he claims to have never seen it firsthand.

 

I realize that him telling them, "Hey, don't be mean to my girlfriend" is likely just to backfire. They're so insecure and confrontational that any attempt to correct their poor behavior is likely just to result in more flare-ups and long-term fights and resentment. They are not reasonable people.

 

We tried to discuss the trip in September again a few nights back, and he asked if we could discuss it after they had visited next week. I understand where he's trying to go with this, but I also think he's very wrong if he thinks that my mind is going to miraculously change after they've spent two days here.

 

Them spending two days here, even if it's relatively conflict free, is not the same as visiting for a week on their turf. I reluctantly agreed to discuss it again after they go next week, but he is not going to get his way. I will be either going down there for two days, and then flying home, or I will not be going at all.

 

He keeps trying to strongarm me with, "I see your family." I have never told him that he has to see my family. I don't mind if he doesn't come. They never bring it up and they understand he has other obligations.

 

There's also the obvious fact that my family lives closer and doesn't treat him like crap. Maybe I'll reinforce the, "Don't come with me" when I go visit my family so he feels it's a little more 'fair.' Maybe then he'll be a little more agreeable in me not going on this 'vacation.'

 

pink_sugar, I'm with you. I'm not happy that he seems to be trying to stand on both sides. On the one hand, he sits and says he believes me. On the other, he's telling me to keep my mouth shut (more or less) and just go along anyway, at any cost, because he refuses to speak up to his family. Even just to say, "Oh, it turns out she has to work that week." WTF?

 

This is something we never dealt with previously, despite being together for years. A few years back, soon after we started dating, we spent a week there and it was a miserable experience. But all of the resentments and cattiness really did not pick up until after that visit. In other words, I got to know his family better, especially after we got engaged (do the thorns come out then, oh boy!).

 

Either way, I'm not going. I'm very upset with him, of course, that he's not sticking up for me, insulating me from his family, or even acting very accepting of the fact that I'm upset with how they treat me. It seems very much that his family's opinions and feelings are #1, and I am secondary.

 

That's not going to happen going forward into a marriage. He either learns that I will be the most important family that he has, or he learns to be single. His choice. It would be different if I were doing something wrong, but he agrees that I've been polite and kind to his family.

[pink_sugar]

Exactly, I know how you feel RR. And sometimes I wish I waited on marriage for this reason. I cannot say how much all the drama has affected me personally. I don't want to be the reason my husband has difficult relations with family by making him choose sides, but at the same time, I don't want them to walk all over us. You are doing the right thing. You can't force him to choose between you and his family either. You'll have to be honest with him about how you think it will be detrimental to the marriage though, maybe this will put this thinking cap on.

 

We both actually had a difficult time with my parents staying with us in our one bedroom apartment for 5 days. My mom never gets sick of family apparently and she thinks we were trying to push them out. That was not the case at all, but it was getting hard, because we were working, going to school and had other distant relative visiting the same time they were, which made things more stressful.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Oh the old "Well, I didn't SEEEE them being mean..." bull****.

 

Honey, trust a woman who has dealt with inlaw **** for years. Do not marry this guy. You will never be first.

[2sure]

I like that he doesn't tell you're wrong, even though he doesn't feel the same way. That's important.

And you do sound reasonable. You have to deal with these people for the rest of your life, it will probably get easier, you will get used to each other, it's just the natural order of in laws.

 

But yes, a week spent with them is just to much to ask of someone loving but unwilling. And it should be ok that you come home after a couple of days.

 

Do it and he will see that its fine.

[RiverRunning]

I do believe him to an extent about not having seen it. FSIL is a snarky brat who knows how to take things under-the-radar. Often when they visit, at some point FI will be off doing his own thing or entertaining FBIL. She gets her barbs in when FI is out of earshot, mostly. She's so passive-aggressive too that I think it goes over his head. I have to admit, she's good.

 

I'm going to be quite honest: His sister is as dumb as bricks and she DOES show some difficulty in knowing what's appropriate to say/ask other people (if she weren't as high-functioning as she is, I would seriously suspect that she has some kind of social disorder or something. Who knows), so I think partly it goes over FI's head that what she says and does is passive-aggressive and cruel.

 

The few barbs she's gotten in on Facebook were things I deleted because I was so furious that she would ever think that's appropriate to say, especially in a semi-public forum. I told FI about them and he agreed that what she wrote me ("Let us know the date for this wondrous event (our wedding), that is, if we're even invited...haha.") was snarky, rude, and obviously not just a joke.

 

We did talk again about the issue. I wrote a letter more or less outlining the things that have happened, my feelings on it, and how I'm not trying to avoid his family just because I don't want to see them, but because they treat me badly. He took it to heart: we're visiting them next month for 2 - 3 days maximum. We're spending a day or two in a city along the way, and a day or two in another city on the way back home, thankfully. 2 - 3 days I can tolerate.

 

FI plans to take his Roku so we'll be watching movies and the like most of the time. As little interaction as possible makes for a good time. While he's busy spending time with his sister, I might take off here and there to go get coffee while we're visiting and unwind.

 

He definitely needs to work on standing up to his family and insulating me from them more. At least he's showing promise here - he did flex (it took a while...) and he has been acknowledging my point of view. He hasn't just reacted defensively and called me a liar or told me that I'm imagining it. He's been trying to remain impartial. I think once I explained that I don't expect him to tell his family off that he relaxed and became much more willing to help me out and insulate me a bit.

 

Thanks for your input, guys. It's definitely appreciated. Giving the 'spend a few days elsewhere, make it a mini vacation along the way' idea really helped to turn this situation around.

[RiverRunning]

I figure I may as well update on the whole situation.

 

I successfully evaded the in-laws most of Wednesday and most of Thursday that week. They were off doing stuff...and when they were back at our apartment, I found an excuse to sneak off with my little cousin, etc. I maybe saw them for a grand total of 4 or 5 hours on Wednesday and Thursday.

 

There were two instances where they said things that annoyed me. FBIL corrected me on something in a restaurant. I just grinned and immediately changed the subject. No surprise there.

 

On Thursday, we were sitting in the house when FSIL opened the fridge. "RiverRunning, I don't know if you know about this, but it could help you save some money..." I met eyes with my boyfriend. The look on his face was priceless. That was the first time she had started the patronizing thing with him right there.

 

It wasn't that bad, though, to be honest. I can write it off as genuine advice. "...But I see you bought your vegetable broth already made. Do you know about bouillon cubes?" I avoided bursting with laughter.

 

She suggested using bouillon cubes because the broth would be ready-made then and would last longer. This is in contrast to her picking up a bottle of garlic salt we had and advising me, "We don't use this because it's high in sodium." The ready-made broths purchased in stores are lower in sodium than bouillon cubes. Gotta love it.

 

They acted like idiots while they stayed here. 10:30 Thursday night they returned home and decided to start yelling to our cat in the window (and in our apartment building, all of the bedrooms are close to the parking lot). We were furious. They went no-contact with us when we had dinner plans and left us waiting an hour-and-a-half to figure out what was going on (after an hour, boyfriend just ate at home).

 

Then they took off for fast food and they were gone for more than an hour. I asked boyfriend if they were EVER planning to come back (we live in the suburbs). I was tired and knew it was going to be an early morning (and someone had to stay up to let them into the apartment).

 

The next day, we were all getting ready to go out to breakfast before the baby shower. While FI is showering - he was the last one - she knocks on our door and announces they're going to meet future FIL and MIL at a restaurant. We were no where near being done getting ready! We finally got there 20 or more minutes after everybody else. I suspect that was intentional.

 

FMIL and FFIL are annoying when we go out to eat. They're the types who ALWAYS have a complaint about the food. FMIL will whine and whine if they put pickles on her sandwich ("I can still taste the pickle and the salt if I take it off! WAHHH!"), for example.

 

FFIL ordered an omelette without tomatoes. Well, there were several omelettes at our table, and they all got mixed around. The omelette I had wasn't exactly the one I ordered, but when I saw everyone else was already eating, I figured the time to figure it out was passed. I didn't care that much...I just ate it.

 

So, the waitress stops by several times to refill drinks, and etc. My FFIL is such a douchebag. He FINISHES eating his meal...then when the waitress comes by to the table to collect plates, he hands her his and says, "That wasn't supposed to have tomatoes on it."

 

My jaw literally DROPPED. Instead of stopping her even in the course of his meal to say something, he EATS the whole thing, then chooses to complain about it?! I was humiliated. The waitress got quiet for a moment, looked at him uncomfortably, and just said, "Yeah...I guess it wasn't..." WTF did he expect her to do after the meal was done?

 

FFIL and FMIL left first, and I was trying to hang back to apologize to the waitress. FI did not get the hint (and I couldn't say it to him in front of FSIL and FBIL), so we ended up leaving. I plan to return soon to apologize to her and I will never go there with FFIL again.

 

Afterward, FI and I both talked about how rude his father was. Again, he was making excuses: "I don't know if he realizes that he comes off as being rude...that's just always the way he's been...but I agree, it was rude..." I told him to knock it off. He just can't keep making excuses for these people.

 

His father would have to be a complete idiot to not stop and ask himself: "What will complaining about this now accomplish?" The only plausible excuse, IMO, is that he's a jerk. I do not intend to go out to eat with them anymore.

[january2011]

If they can't behave, I would say, "that won't be possible," the next time they ask to stay with you.

 

And I wouldn't stay with them at their place. I'd book a hotel and only arrange one or two get-togethers, if my stay in the area is long.

 

If your fiance agrees with you, I don't see why both of you need to tolerate their company any more than you have to. As a couple who live together and are engaged to be married, you are a family unit and your unit should take priority.

[Mittens]

Agree totally with january2011.

 

I don't get on with my FFIL (he's a jerk, in much the same vein as yours) and FMIL is a professional victim.

 

After a disastrous trip away with them a couple of years ago, I've made it clear to my FI that the devil will be going to work in a snowplough before I travel or stay with them again. I'm 44, I'm not having someone barely 20 years older than me judging me like I'm a child!

 

Keep your involvement with them to the barest minimum possible.

[RiverRunning]

If they can't behave, I would say, "that won't be possible," the next time they ask to stay with you.

 

And I wouldn't stay with them at their place. I'd book a hotel and only arrange one or two get-togethers, if my stay in the area is long.

 

If your fiance agrees with you, I don't see why both of you need to tolerate their company any more than you have to. As a couple who live together and are engaged to be married, you are a family unit and your unit should take priority.

 

He still has this weird "Yeah, I agree with you, BUT..." thing going on. I just ask him to stop now when he's about to make excuses for his family, as inevitably it seems to translate to, "But I think this is the excuse, so we should keep tolerating their behavior."

 

They called earlier and asked if we wanted to go out to eat next week. Instead, we've decided to cook at our place. I'm not at all thrilled about it. I've even considered just letting him cook for his family on his own. I hate navigating in-law crap (i.e., how many times can I get away with NOT seeing them? ).

 

It doesn't seem like there's any way out of not staying with them when we go. FI doesn't want to spend the money, and I'm recently out of a job. It looks like we'll be staying with them for 3 days. He's talked to them about staying for FOUR or FIVE days, but I'm not doing that.

 

He wants to visit again in December, and although I'd love to meet his new niece, I've concluded it's probably best that I not deal with them for a THIRD TIME in four months. I should have a work excuse by then (I substitute teach).

 

This is really causing stress on the relationship and I am reevaluating things, if you catch my drift. He acts irritated when I bring up that I don't want to see them - I understand he's not happy that we don't get along, but I feel like the blame always comes back on me. I'm not the jerk - these people are the jerks.

 

Oh well...I'll get to the bottom of it.

[KathyM]

I would suggest you limit the visits to maybe once a year, and when you do go to visit or they come to your place, try to ignore the petty stuff. If they give you advice, just say a quick "uh huh", and leave it at that. You are not going to change them. They sound like the Barone family from Everybody Loves Raymond. Mother-in-law always criticizing Debra, and Frank having terrible manners along with being a cheapskate. Try not to let this petty stuff get to you so much. I'm sure your fiance would like them to be different, but he realizes he's not going to change them, so he tries to apease both you and his family without taking sides in order to keep the peace. If they are indeed blatantly insulting you, he should speak up and say "I won't have my fiance being talked to like that". But if it's just this petty stuff, like them giving advice or not notifying the waitress if their order was not right, just let it go. Try to get along for your fiance's sake. Don't make him have to choose between you and them, but do make it understood that if they are blatantly insulting you, that should not be tolerated, and he needs to be assertive in insisting that it stop. So limit the visits, ignore the petty stuff, and stand up for yourself and have your fiance do the same if there is blatant disrespect shown to you. You can't change their basic nature or personality. Neither can your fiance. But you can tolerate some pettiness for a week once a year so your fiance can stay connected to his parents and siblings, while setting boundaries against the more blatant intolerable stuff, should it arise. And if he thinks he needs to see them more than once a year, he can go alone to see them.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

No, you do not have to tolerate people being *******s to you. Tell your DF that if he doesn't take the matter in hand, you will and you won't be polite. They can either treat you decently and with respect, or they are not welcome in your home and in your life.

 

If he refuses to do the right thing...then IMHO you should find a real man who will.

[ColumbiaD]

I have similar issues with my in-laws, especially the SIL, and I have to tell you it doesn't get any better. Your fiance at least seems more supportive than mine has ever been. It seems like maybe his attitude means that things could improve for you. My suggestion would be to try to put him in the middle too much though. Next time he suggests visiting his family, don't go, but don't explicitly let him know that it's because you don't want to see his family. Just tell him you're not going because of money, work, not wanting to use vacation time, you have some other commitment, etc.

[turnera]

Just tell him this: Because of the issues your family digs up between us, I am going to limit my contact with them to 3 times a year, for no more than one week each time. Anything that goes over that limit, I'm going to excuse myself from the situation, and you will be left to deal with them on your own. Your choice how you break it to them. Or, you can choose to defend ME for a change and tell them thanks but no thanks. Again, your choice. But this is my boundary.

 

And then enforce that boundary. That way, you've told him ahead of time what's going to happen if he continues. His choice to get the consequence of ignoring your boundary instead of putting you first, and none of it sticks on you.

[sb129]

Wait until you and your fiancee have kids together- thats when the fun really starts!