Update

[Flagirl2]

Hi All. First of I want to thank everyone for their advice and opinions and guidance last week when I was really struggling. You all helped and you will never know how much. If you remember my story, you will remember that I was a lost person. I still am a lost person. I lost myself in this A. I lost every stitch of self respect and I was so exhausted and tired with no where to turn.

 

So, I came here. You shared with me. Some of you were harsh and I appreciate that as much as I appreciate all the kind words I got. Where we left off last week is I was attempting to go NC with MM who I literally talked to 16 hours a day basically through email or in person. The only time we were not talking were when we were sleeping. It was all consuming. It was taking it's toll. So, last week I decided to go NC. It didn't work. BUT, I am trying to make it there. We have talked. But instead, I wait to respond to his emails. This weekend, I waited an hour before I responded. Then an hour and 10 minutes. I made it 2 hours without responding. I read about the fade away I believe Artie has mentioned it a few times. That is what I decided I needed to do. Slowly pull myself from this man. And it's working. I'm getting stronger. I am reading everything I can get my hands on. I am working on myself. I have finally figured out that I'm responsible for my own happiness. I put that on other people and that is why I got involved in this addiction to MM. I am currently reading Is it Love or is it Addiction. It is an addiction. I have no doubt. I need to work on myself.

 

I have discovered that MM is not for me. I lost myself in this man. I did what he wanted to make him happy and it didn't matter what I wanted. I did things with him, that I am ashamed of. I left my children to go be with him when he wanted, when he could. He didn't do the same for me. It was always on his terms, when he could sneak away. When he could call. I waited. WHen he had an issue and got angry, we talked it out calmly. When I had an issue and got angry, I was supposed to keep my mouth shut and not rock the boat. My anger didn't matter. My voice never mattered.

 

I'm not blaming him. I want to please him. I want to make him happy. Making him happy makes me happy. It's no way to live though. I'm trying to find myself again so I can make a decision about my M. I did find out my H does love me. He sent me an email the other day that basically just said "hi. I just wanted to let you know I miss you when you are not around. BUt when you are around, you just yell at me anyway, so I thought I would email you." He has to care, right?

 

So that is where I stand. Not perfect, but it's working for me. I don't want to crawl into a ball and die. I am eating. I am functioning. NC will not work for me right now. I need to get stronger first, slowly fade away and get my life back. I'm working on me. It's not pretty, it's rather ugly, but it's what I need to do right now. I'm hoping I am gaining the knowledge and the strength to finally walk away from this OM. I want my life back. I want to play with my kids at night and not email him. I have goals again. I hope this makes sense. I know it's not the usual way to go around here, but I'm trying. It's working and I'm getting stronger.

[Artie Lang]

it's a start.

 

i don't remember if you work together. if you do, you really need to make a move.

 

is he the one initiating contact?

 

have you told him to cease contacting you?

Edited August 15, 2012 by Artie Lang

[HisGraceisSufficient]

I am currently reading Is it Love or is it Addiction. It is an addiction. I have no doubt. I need to work on myself.

 

I often think of this quote, "You need something good in hand to let go of something bad," Henry Cloud

 

For me, it was religion-as cheating was evident of my decaying heart of selfishness, lust,and pride.

 

What will you have in hand to let go of what you know is harmful?

[veryhappy]

It's the person down the hall in a small business, potentially or already abusive APif I remember correctly.

 

Flagirl2, you are doing better, so keep doing what you are doing. At some point it will be one day, then two days to a reply then one week. What can suggest is to give closed answers and be a little bit dry. Just sort of polite and more and more distant. Don't explain yourself, don't let him drag you into writing a novel.

[Flagirl2]

It's the person down the hall in a small business, potentially or already abusive APif I remember correctly.

 

Flagirl2, you are doing better, so keep doing what you are doing. At some point it will be one day, then two days to a reply then one week. What can suggest is to give closed answers and be a little bit dry. Just sort of polite and more and more distant. Don't explain yourself, don't let him drag you into writing a novel.

 

You are correct, cute. Small business. We work together. I am doing better. He has noticed my distance. He has commented on it and things are strained. Which is ok. I need to get stronger before I initiate complete nc. If I went cold turkey right now, I would be right back in the A. I'm fading away. I can do it this way. I have to.

[Flagirl2]

I often think of this quote, "You need something good in hand to let go of something bad," Henry Cloud

 

For me, it was religion-as cheating was evident of my decaying heart of selfishness, lust,and pride.

 

What will you have in hand to let go of what you know is harmful?

 

Hopefully my self respect back. Myself. The person I can look at in the mirror again

[Artie Lang]

i guess that answers the work question.

 

what about the other questions concerning contact?

[Flagirl2]

i guess that answers the work question.

 

what about the other questions concerning contact?

 

Yes, he is mostly the one initiating contact. I have not told him to stop. I'm not ready for that. Every time I've tried, he always manipulates things to make me feel guilty and I jump right back in. I need to work on myself a little first to get over that guilty feeling and his manipulations. I'm learning a lot from the reading I am doing. We are both so flawed we have no business being in any relationship right now.

 

I feel empowered right now to work on myself. To get over him. This may not be the right course for everyone, but we are so completely addicted to each other it is so unhealthy. I need a break in that addiction somewhat so I can go full nc and have it finally stick.

[Mount]

You are very strong and doing well. One thing you need to let me understand, what do you mean by email replying time, do you usually have to reply the MM's email right away? Work email I suppose? or Personal email related to affair? Why you can not reply email after a couple hours or half day?

 

Hi All. First of I want to thank everyone for their advice and opinions and guidance last week when I was really struggling. You all helped and you will never know how much. If you remember my story, you will remember that I was a lost person. I still am a lost person. I lost myself in this A. I lost every stitch of self respect and I was so exhausted and tired with no where to turn.

 

So, I came here. You shared with me. Some of you were harsh and I appreciate that as much as I appreciate all the kind words I got. Where we left off last week is I was attempting to go NC with MM who I literally talked to 16 hours a day basically through email or in person. The only time we were not talking were when we were sleeping. It was all consuming. It was taking it's toll. So, last week I decided to go NC. It didn't work. BUT, I am trying to make it there. We have talked. But instead, I wait to respond to his emails. This weekend, I waited an hour before I responded. Then an hour and 10 minutes. I made it 2 hours without responding. I read about the fade away I believe Artie has mentioned it a few times. That is what I decided I needed to do. Slowly pull myself from this man. And it's working. I'm getting stronger. I am reading everything I can get my hands on. I am working on myself. I have finally figured out that I'm responsible for my own happiness. I put that on other people and that is why I got involved in this addiction to MM. I am currently reading Is it Love or is it Addiction. It is an addiction. I have no doubt. I need to work on myself.

 

I have discovered that MM is not for me. I lost myself in this man. I did what he wanted to make him happy and it didn't matter what I wanted. I did things with him, that I am ashamed of. I left my children to go be with him when he wanted, when he could. He didn't do the same for me. It was always on his terms, when he could sneak away. When he could call. I waited. WHen he had an issue and got angry, we talked it out calmly. When I had an issue and got angry, I was supposed to keep my mouth shut and not rock the boat. My anger didn't matter. My voice never mattered.

 

I'm not blaming him. I want to please him. I want to make him happy. Making him happy makes me happy. It's no way to live though. I'm trying to find myself again so I can make a decision about my M. I did find out my H does love me. He sent me an email the other day that basically just said "hi. I just wanted to let you know I miss you when you are not around. BUt when you are around, you just yell at me anyway, so I thought I would email you." He has to care, right?

 

So that is where I stand. Not perfect, but it's working for me. I don't want to crawl into a ball and die. I am eating. I am functioning. NC will not work for me right now. I need to get stronger first, slowly fade away and get my life back. I'm working on me. It's not pretty, it's rather ugly, but it's what I need to do right now. I'm hoping I am gaining the knowledge and the strength to finally walk away from this OM. I want my life back. I want to play with my kids at night and not email him. I have goals again. I hope this makes sense. I know it's not the usual way to go around here, but I'm trying. It's working and I'm getting stronger.

[Flagirl2]

You are very strong and doing well. One thing you need to let me understand, what do you mean by email replying time, do you usually have to reply the MM's email right away? Work email I suppose? or Personal email related to affair? Why you can not reply email after a couple hours or half day?

 

Thank you, Mount. Yes, we reply to each other's emails immediately at work. Immediately. We talked all day long. On the weekends, it basically is when we can, but it's a lot. I could never during the day at work wait to respond for a few hours or half a day. So, for now, on the weekends and nights, I have been waiting longer between responses. Kind of weaning myself. At work, I have been waiting minutes longer before responding.

 

That is how completely addicted and obsessed we are to each other. It is crazy. I want my life back!

[Artie Lang]

the one thing i must stress is not to be alone with him.

 

stay as far away from him(physically) as you can.

[veryhappy]

Thank you, Mount. Yes, we reply to each other's emails immediately at work. Immediately. We talked all day long. On the weekends, it basically is when we can, but it's a lot. I could never during the day at work wait to respond for a few hours or half a day. So, for now, on the weekends and nights, I have been waiting longer between responses. Kind of weaning myself. At work, I have been waiting minutes longer before responding.

 

That is how completely addicted and obsessed we are to each other. It is crazy. I want my life back!

 

To progress more quickly, set a higher bar. For example say: one email per night after 10pm or one email per day during the weekend. You will fail for a while, but you'll find that after a time it gets easier. Set some expectations for yourself that are still within reach and do not get discouraged and give up if you fail once.

[jwi71]

Thank you, Mount. Yes, we reply to each other's emails immediately at work. Immediately. We talked all day long. On the weekends, it basically is when we can, but it's a lot. I could never during the day at work wait to respond for a few hours or half a day. So, for now, on the weekends and nights, I have been waiting longer between responses. Kind of weaning myself. At work, I have been waiting minutes longer before responding.

 

That is how completely addicted and obsessed we are to each other. It is crazy. I want my life back!

 

As long as you have access to your drug you will take it.

 

A's are very similar to addictions - and we treat addictions by cutting off one's access to the drug. Then, we put that person in a supportive environment to help them through the withdrawal phases.

 

LS is not a support group. Its a value-add.

 

My advice, gather your friends and family (I'd include your H) and get out of it.

 

Why not take that route?

[freestyle]

There's a book called, "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward, that may be beneficial reading for you.

 

Your MM trying to make you feel guilty of reducing contact is an example of blatant emotional blackmail.

 

The more you understand the psychology behind this, the more you can empower yourself, and stay out of lopsided relationships in the future, whether or not they're affairs.

[Flagirl2]

Artie, yes, Thank you for reminding me of that. We just met up accidently in the common room and our eyes locked and he gave me a look, yikes. I turned and walked away immediately.

 

Cute, I am trying to go longer and longer between responses. I did only email one response last night. That was it. Usually we have about 4 threads going and talk for 2+ hours. So, I am getting there.

 

jwi, I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that he is not the one for me. Once that sinks in, I will go NC all together. I'm taking the less painful route right now while I gather all the information I need. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on to help with this. I'm getting there. I know how addictive this A is. It basically has take my life from me and my family for 9 months. Not to mention years before that.

 

Freestyle, thank you for the book recommendation. I am starting to read a lot and learning a lot. I will check that book out.

[Artie Lang]

i don't understand why you thought he was the "one" for you. did you actually contemplate leaving your husband for this OM?

 

how goes the situation at home... with your husband, i mean?

 

do you ever plan on telling him? maybe by telling him, it will help you "snap out of it." maybe by realizing the damage being done to him and your marriage, you might come back from this fantasy. this fantasy you call an "addiction."

 

just sayin'.