Can't believe I'm here

[confused mind]

Funny how life changes. Today I came across this forum while trying to find people out there in similar situation. There is just not a lot of people I can talk to this about as people tend to be judgemental and Im also a bit ashamed I let this happen.

 

Beginning of July last year I was also lost (more so than now) because my husband told me he had a new gf and no longer loved me anymore. I made a post back then but never followed up. I lived through a few months of pain and hell before I realized that I need to move on and give him his space and happiness.

 

It was November to be exact by the time I moved. I decided that I better find a playmate who can help me transition into single life without much pain. By this time I was already registered on a dating site. I have never though I'd be on any dating site a year prior to that but I desperately needed the confidence boost and distraction.

 

I have not met anyone, only chatted but as soon as I moved I figured out that I don't want to be in a relationship to be validated by yet another man. I wanted to think for myself for once for the first time since I was 18 so I went on to find an nsa partner. I think I've looked at every available profile and by the end of november I have made my pick. The only catch was that he was married. Having just went through all that pain of being cheated on I hesitated to contact but not for long. I figured he was on the site already and he was going to cheat with or without me.

 

So we started talking, we met needless to say we liked each other otherwise I wouldn't be typing this right now. There are some unwritten rules to an nsa relationship which is no contact unless to arrange sex and so on, so forth.

Well he blew those rules right off the start. The first time we had sex he was a happy guy. He sent me good morning texts by the time I opened my eyes, good night text before I slept and many more in between almost every day just to see how my day is and to chit chat.

 

Needless to say that I found the positive attention (paired with amazing sex) refreshing. I started to develop feelings for him about 5-6 months into it. We have shared a lot, he's been like a best friend to me. Just would listen and compliment me.. I mean I'm just not used to being liked or admired by a man.

 

But with that being said he had told me once or twice that he would never leave his family for anyone and he is a repeat cheater who loves sex ( when I first contacted him I though he was just a bored man looking for a little excitement) he is looking for a lot of excitement and he would text me at all hours of the day to the point there were days I was wondering if he even had a wife. And if he does where on earth is she to not notice him text me hours on end.

 

Well she does exist. Kids also so I could never take him away from them no matter what even if he wanted to so I'm not really sure what to do.

 

He started not texting as much. He would still text but no more morning or night messages and sometimes he'd go days nc. And I'm not sure why on earth I decided to.. But one day I decided to see if he was online on the dating site we met. I was online often because I figured I'd dump him when I find a guy I can have a relationship with, but my husband in the background was (and still is) trying to reconcile and my head is just so confused of the drama as he also hasn't let ow go yet but tries to hide it from me.. Well anyways I was not and I'm still not ready to commit.

 

Well anyways I'd still be on the dating site mostly deleting messages I was getting so I never saw MM as he was under the section of people looking for sex. I didn't go there as I had him. So I decide to see if he's there and he was logged in and then I got jealous and got a habit of spying on him. Sometimes he'd fade my jealousy compleatly when he'd text and talk to me, I felt really connected to him and would ignore looking if he was on as I just knew he liked me.

 

Our intimate encounters are not frequent at all but always amazing. He's always really nice to me and polite when we talk. He had lot of personal things going on and the texting stayed to a minimum in the spring, he didn't go on the dating site much either so I no longer paid as much attention. Also what I'd do is if he sent me a text at noon I'd quickly see if he was online that day. Just to see if maybe he was horny and textign me but lot of days I found he wasn't online and just wanted to talk to me so I felt really good about that.

 

Then one day when he was quiet for a good 3-4 days I decided to text him to see what was he upto. Well he just had a baby boy. His second child. The emotions that ran through my head were indescribable. I would never have looked at him even if I knew he had a pregnant wife at home. I was mad and considered cutting off contact with him but I wasn't able to. In fact he tried to make lame excuses as to why he didn't mention it and when I forgave we became even closer, shared even more and I even saw him a bit more than before. He complimented me the upcoming weeks a lot more as we shared more of our issues and I honestly felt that he also had feelings for me. He never said it of course but would compliment my personality, how normal I was compared to other women he had met and how he enjoys spending time with me.

 

He also told me about issues with his wife but again said he loved her and would never leave her. So throughout he's been firm on that and I really respect that he's not playing the 'I'll leave her and we'll be together line'

 

He has said things like he's glad we don't get to spend much time together so I won't compleatly ruin his life. So I'm guessing he also has feelings for me but even if that's the case he would never admit to them.

 

While we had this month of closeness and connection that I loved. I pretty much stopped spying on him on the site because he was never on. I figured maybe he had a change of heart now that he had another kid he respects his wife more, but yet I was still there and he was nicer than ever so I figured he must have feelings for me. Well maybe not. Turns out his mother came to stay with them and that was for about the duration he would not be on line for weeks, so I figured maybe he wasn't able to get online, but yet he texted me a lot, and a lot of nights when he was home. So I just have no clue.

 

As soon as the mother left he's back on the site full force.. I can't help but look.. Even now I can't wait to look becasue I kinda know his 'schedule' by now. Yesterday I texted him after he didn't text for 2 days. I know 2 days is nothing but still.. Doesn't take a lot of effort. I was on the site while texting, he wasn't. Then suddenly he was also online but he had not replied to me yet. So I'm sitting there thinking I know you can respond, you have privacy becasue you're sitting there checking out other women. You have not been in touch for two days yet you were online so respond already.. So he did in about 10 minutes. And I'm fully aware I sound idiotic right now to be upset or jealous over someone who isn't even mine to begin with. What would the poor wife feel if she saw him there day after day looking for more women. But I'm the one who knows.. And if I'm so great why is he not texting. Or better yet why isnt he getting back to me. Him logging on there before responding to me felt like as if he was looking if he got a message from anyone else and weather or not he did would effect his response. I mean I could be way off here but I'd love to have seniority ow status especially if I had to contact him because he didn't feel like.

 

So now I'm wondering what do I do.. I know I'm overreacting. I can't mention this to him, cant show any emotion as we're NSA so I have to keep my cool. Would be nice if I could stop checking on him on the website but it's too easily accessible and I can't help but look especially when I know he spends a lot of time on. Sorry I made this so long :-/ I'm just confused. Plan is to spend the rest of the month not contacting and even if he does try my best to be not as responsive as I always am

[Fugu]

Funny how life changes. Today I came across this forum while trying to find people out there in similar situation. There is just not a lot of people I can talk to this about as people tend to be judgemental and Im also a bit ashamed I let this happen.

 

Beginning of July last year I was also lost (more so than now) because my husband told me he had a new gf and no longer loved me anymore. I made a post back then but never followed up. I lived through a few months of pain and hell before I realized that I need to move on and give him his space and happiness.

 

It was November to be exact by the time I moved. I decided that I better find a playmate who can help me transition into single life without much pain. By this time I was already registered on a dating site. I have never though I'd be on any dating site a year prior to that but I desperately needed the confidence boost and distraction.

 

I have not met anyone, only chatted but as soon as I moved I figured out that I don't want to be in a relationship to be validated by yet another man. I wanted to think for myself for once for the first time since I was 18 so I went on to find an nsa partner. I think I've looked at every available profile and by the end of november I have made my pick. The only catch was that he was married. Having just went through all that pain of being cheated on I hesitated to contact but not for long. I figured he was on the site already and he was going to cheat with or without me.

 

So we started talking, we met needless to say we liked each other otherwise I wouldn't be typing this right now. There are some unwritten rules to an nsa relationship which is no contact unless to arrange sex and so on, so forth.

Well he blew those rules right off the start. The first time we had sex he was a happy guy. He sent me good morning texts by the time I opened my eyes, good night text before I slept and many more in between almost every day just to see how my day is and to chit chat.

 

Needless to say that I found the positive attention (paired with amazing sex) refreshing. I started to develop feelings for him about 5-6 months into it. We have shared a lot, he's been like a best friend to me. Just would listen and compliment me.. I mean I'm just not used to being liked or admired by a man.

 

But with that being said he had told me once or twice that he would never leave his family for anyone and he is a repeat cheater who loves sex ( when I first contacted him I though he was just a bored man looking for a little excitement) he is looking for a lot of excitement and he would text me at all hours of the day to the point there were days I was wondering if he even had a wife. And if he does where on earth is she to not notice him text me hours on end.

 

Well she does exist. Kids also so I could never take him away from them no matter what even if he wanted to so I'm not really sure what to do.

 

He started not texting as much. He would still text but no more morning or night messages and sometimes he'd go days nc. And I'm not sure why on earth I decided to.. But one day I decided to see if he was online on the dating site we met. I was online often because I figured I'd dump him when I find a guy I can have a relationship with, but my husband in the background was (and still is) trying to reconcile and my head is just so confused of the drama as he also hasn't let ow go yet but tries to hide it from me.. Well anyways I was not and I'm still not ready to commit.

 

Well anyways I'd still be on the dating site mostly deleting messages I was getting so I never saw MM as he was under the section of people looking for sex. I didn't go there as I had him. So I decide to see if he's there and he was logged in and then I got jealous and got a habit of spying on him. Sometimes he'd fade my jealousy compleatly when he'd text and talk to me, I felt really connected to him and would ignore looking if he was on as I just knew he liked me.

 

Our intimate encounters are not frequent at all but always amazing. He's always really nice to me and polite when we talk. He had lot of personal things going on and the texting stayed to a minimum in the spring, he didn't go on the dating site much either so I no longer paid as much attention. Also what I'd do is if he sent me a text at noon I'd quickly see if he was online that day. Just to see if maybe he was horny and textign me but lot of days I found he wasn't online and just wanted to talk to me so I felt really good about that.

 

Then one day when he was quiet for a good 3-4 days I decided to text him to see what was he upto. Well he just had a baby boy. His second child. The emotions that ran through my head were indescribable. I would never have looked at him even if I knew he had a pregnant wife at home. I was mad and considered cutting off contact with him but I wasn't able to. In fact he tried to make lame excuses as to why he didn't mention it and when I forgave we became even closer, shared even more and I even saw him a bit more than before. He complimented me the upcoming weeks a lot more as we shared more of our issues and I honestly felt that he also had feelings for me. He never said it of course but would compliment my personality, how normal I was compared to other women he had met and how he enjoys spending time with me.

 

He also told me about issues with his wife but again said he loved her and would never leave her. So throughout he's been firm on that and I really respect that he's not playing the 'I'll leave her and we'll be together line'

 

He has said things like he's glad we don't get to spend much time together so I won't compleatly ruin his life. So I'm guessing he also has feelings for me but even if that's the case he would never admit to them.

 

While we had this month of closeness and connection that I loved. I pretty much stopped spying on him on the site because he was never on. I figured maybe he had a change of heart now that he had another kid he respects his wife more, but yet I was still there and he was nicer than ever so I figured he must have feelings for me. Well maybe not. Turns out his mother came to stay with them and that was for about the duration he would not be on line for weeks, so I figured maybe he wasn't able to get online, but yet he texted me a lot, and a lot of nights when he was home. So I just have no clue.

 

As soon as the mother left he's back on the site full force.. I can't help but look.. Even now I can't wait to look becasue I kinda know his 'schedule' by now. Yesterday I texted him after he didn't text for 2 days. I know 2 days is nothing but still.. Doesn't take a lot of effort. I was on the site while texting, he wasn't. Then suddenly he was also online but he had not replied to me yet. So I'm sitting there thinking I know you can respond, you have privacy becasue you're sitting there checking out other women. You have not been in touch for two days yet you were online so respond already.. So he did in about 10 minutes. And I'm fully aware I sound idiotic right now to be upset or jealous over someone who isn't even mine to begin with. What would the poor wife feel if she saw him there day after day looking for more women. But I'm the one who knows.. And if I'm so great why is he not texting. Or better yet why isnt he getting back to me. Him logging on there before responding to me felt like as if he was looking if he got a message from anyone else and weather or not he did would effect his response. I mean I could be way off here but I'd love to have seniority ow status especially if I had to contact him because he didn't feel like.

 

So now I'm wondering what do I do.. I know I'm overreacting. I can't mention this to him, cant show any emotion as we're NSA so I have to keep my cool. Would be nice if I could stop checking on him on the website but it's too easily accessible and I can't help but look especially when I know he spends a lot of time on. Sorry I made this so long :-/ I'm just confused. Plan is to spend the rest of the month not contacting and even if he does try my best to be not as responsive as I always am

 

I think you ended up here for reasons that are understandable. Your husband hurt you by running off with someone else and you felt shat upon -- I get that part. You wanted validation -- and sex. Who doesn't want those things?

 

Unfortunately, you found it through someone who was having an escapade. I can understand your personal desire just to get on with it, but you need to separate the 'you' in this from everything else. You're wondering about how his wife would feel, but let's cut through the self-righteous b.s...you're just looking out for yourself when you make that comment. You're now jealous because you got used and dumped, and now he's moved on. And it hurts, just like your marriage hurt.

 

I think what you need is time without anyone. You need some 'you' time. I know it's hard because we all want validation and affirmation. But if you keep jumping back into relationships irrespective of the circumstances, you're going to keep getting screwed - and you might end up screwing others as well.

[alexandria35]

I'm amazed at how many BW's go on to become the OW. Theres got to be some psychological reason for that but I haven't been able to figure it out.

 

It sounds like your MM likes NSA sex and NSA romance. In other words he enjoys the ego stroking and the attention as much as he enjoys the sex. You've mistaken his love for attention as him having real feelings for you. He doesn't. Soon he will tire of you and start a new affair with a new woman. He will go to her for attention and you will be phased out. Thats why he's on the dating sites still. So he can find your replacement. He is a serial cheat and he likely gets excited whenever he starts an affair with a fresh woman and gives her attention. Then when that gets old he finds someone else. He is quite possibly already seeing other women. At the very least I hope you are practicing safe sex with this guy.

 

I would end this now if I were you. The sooner you do the less pain there will be and if you're the one to pull the plug you will feel better than if you just lamely hang on waiting for him to do it.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know where to start.. So many red flags that you missed or chose to ignore.

 

Basically this guy told you up front who he was and what to expect. He's a serial cheater. A man who lies to his wife, betrays her in the worst way (while she's pregnant with his child) and still is cheating on her. And you. Trust me, you are not the only OW he has..

 

Get strong and end it. If you need therapy, to talk to a counsellor, do so because this man is not worth it.

 

If you were single and he was single, would you put up with the hot/cold treatment? Probably not.. But, you allowed yourself to get sucked into the fog and addictive feelings an affair brings, that rollercoaster ride. This man is capable of messing you up so badly because you're addicted to how he makes you feel, the blinders are on and he knows how to manipulate you to keep you in his life as the OW.

 

PLEASE go get yourself checked for STD's. ASAP.

[Leelou]

I mean I could be way off here but I'd love to have seniority ow status especially if I had to contact him because he didn't feel like.

Wow this part is really sad! It's all you have left to aspire to be -- his ow with seniority status, lining up to let him do you, too, without much more effort than a couple of texts, like breadcrumbs thrown your way.

 

You have allowed him to infiltrate your mind, time, and thoughts and frankly he's not worth all that mental energy. Time to cut him out.

 

I have to tell you that any woman that becomes a Sure Thing quickly loses a serial Cheater's interest faster than anything else. So by your becoming more compliant and less demanding of him, you make it easier for him to ignore you until it's time for you to service him.

 

Is that all you aspire to?

[whichwayisup]

But with that being said he had told me once or twice that he would never leave his family for anyone and he is a repeat cheater who loves sex ( when I first contacted him I though he was just a bored man looking for a little excitement) he is looking for a lot of excitement and he would text me at all hours of the day to the point there were days I was wondering if he even had a wife. And if he does where on earth is she to not notice him text me hours on end.

 

Bolded part. How long did your husband have an affair under your nose? Please don't poo-poo his wife..She is/was YOU a year ago. Your H cheated on you and I'm sure he was doing the exact same thing to you that your MM is doing to his wife.

 

Have some sympathy and empathy for her, their kids and that baby.

 

He isn't going to leave them for you. Ever. This is why you must end it and let yourself grieve that loss, so you can heal and find a guy who will love ALL of you, not just on his time frame.

 

I hope you want more than just being a side dish.. if you continue on, you'll help him betray her more and be a partner in crime. And please that line "if it wasn't me, it'd be someone else.." That's a bad excuse to justify your choice in having an affair with a MM with young children.

[veryhappy]

I hope you are getting tested for stds. You chose one risky partner.

 

It will get more difficult, and more difficult, and more difficult. You can't separate sex from the rest of you. He's not even thinking of being with you ever, so can't you go out with single people and focus on somebody else eventually?

 

It takes a special kind of man to cheat around the time the partner was pregnant. Everyone has bottom lines, and it sounds like that's one for you.

[confused mind]

Yes I can go out with single people and I have tried but of course those didnt work out. I know all of you are right and I'll find a way to end it because really its the only choice I have and if I don't do it it will end eventually and that will be even worse.

[Spark1111]

I'm amazed at how many BW's go on to become the OW. Theres got to be some psychological reason for that but I haven't been able to figure it out.

 

It sounds like your MM likes NSA sex and NSA romance. In other words he enjoys the ego stroking and the attention as much as he enjoys the sex. You've mistaken his love for attention as him having real feelings for you. He doesn't. Soon he will tire of you and start a new affair with a new woman. He will go to her for attention and you will be phased out. Thats why he's on the dating sites still. So he can find your replacement. He is a serial cheat and he likely gets excited whenever he starts an affair with a fresh woman and gives her attention. Then when that gets old he finds someone else. He is quite possibly already seeing other women. At the very least I hope you are practicing safe sex with this guy.

 

I would end this now if I were you. The sooner you do the less pain there will be and if you're the one to pull the plug you will feel better than if you just lamely hang on waiting for him to do it.

 

It's about empowerment. It empowers them, whether they identify it or not, to assume the stronger role on another unsuspecting wife, as they once were.

 

Sad, no?

[LoveTKO]

Dating sites for sex? I am a man, but that whole concept sounds pretty disgusting to me. People on those site are like addicts and they're constantly looking for a new high by way of sex hook ups. Can't you find someone at the gym, or yoga class, or in some other venue where you at least have some general idea of how they react in a social setting which can then lead up to romance/sex? I understand that it's a NSA relationship, but you can find those in normal day to day settings as well. This whole on-line borderline anonymous sex thing gives me the creeps.......men who are on there are constantly looking for new highs, or sexual encounters and women who can outdo the previous hook ups.

[2sure]

He is a serial cheater. Self proclaimed.He is doing what he does.

And sure he likes sex, but it's about getting constant new validation.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

I strongly agree with the responses from all posters. Since I have nothing to their statements, I am curious OP: What was your relationship like with your father as a child?

 

The way we attach in adulthood can be mirrored by attachment to our parents, specifically the opposite sex parent as it pertains to how we interact with the opposite sex.

Edited August 16, 2012 by HisGraceisSufficient