what now?

[Gotti25]

So me & my husband just found out my brother in law recently got married to a women he met in the Ukraine 6 months ago and we just found out she is pregnant with his child. They are both in there mid twenties but this makes me sick to my stomach! Why so soon! My brother in law is a student and he is broke so basically my husbands mother is going to pay for everything makes me sick she never provided anything for us it was always my parents that payed for everything. We have no kids and we are not planning on having any. So I found out first she got pregnant I told my husband he said to me he is wasting his life with someone he barely knows I'm like maybe your right! I'm very upset with this situation! My husbands mother asked me if I could promise her 4 years ago that I would give her a grandchild I said I promise I will! Well guess apparently that won't be happening anytime soon so the hole family is turning there backs on us now that my brother in laws wife is pregnant! What do you guys think? Sick situation.

[RiverRunning]

Frankly? I think that your jealousy is the biggest problem. Do I think that marrying someone you just met is a good idea? No. But I'd also be a complete fool to say that it never works out.

 

A young marriage has enough stresses on it, and having family disapproval sure doesn't improve the odds that his marriage will last. It's a Western notion that we have to meet and date for a few years. If you've ever seen the HBO series Rome, there's an episode where a teenager announces, "I want to marry for love." Her parents start laughing at her and more or less say, "No, you want to marry an old man who has lots of jewels, and then love will come."

 

Maybe it's the same for this couple. Maybe they both agree they're just hot pieces of ass and that's the main core of their marriage. Who's to say what will or won't work for them?

 

I think what's saddest is your jealousy over the situation. I'm going to guess you're probably infertile or it's just a money issue, which is why you haven't had children. Hey, situations like this ARE hard, and I get that - it's hard when you feel like your in-laws are abandoning you and fawning over the new sister-in-law.

 

But that's exactly it: she's new. Attention's going to be on her for a little while, just as it's going to be focused there for a little while now that she's expecting.

 

It's hard when you feel like your in-laws strongly favor somebody else over you. I hear you: my FSIL is an absolute spoiled brat, and FI and I have had to work for what we have on our own.

 

But I think you also have to look at yourself: I don't think this is actually anything personal against you. Do your in-laws even know you that well? This is likely all on them. If they have in fact turned their backs on you, what does that say? A baby is really enough to buy them out? Then they're the sorts of people you tolerate but keep your distance from anyway.

 

This child will be your niece/nephew. Maybe it's time to extend an olive branch out to these people. Instead of shaming your brother-in-law's actions from a distance, get to know his wife. You may find she's exactly what he needed. And at the end of the night, go home resting and knowing that you made much more responsible decisions, including not having children when you don't have the money to support them.

[Emilia]

What do you guys think? Sick situation.

 

I think that this is non of our your business, I also think it's really sad that your value is based on giving the family grandchildren. I'm glad I don't have your scheming little life.

[Gotti25]

yes I have met her before they started all of this non sense! You make a good point we can't afford it but my parents can afford to pay for the child! My father in law is a doctor so they will provide for the brother ! They never have gave us a penny we have a very expensive $3000 studio apartment which most of our income is going towards it that I wouldn't trade for nothing! Is just very sick we met this girl in the Ukraine when we where attending a wedding she was a brides made of my husbands step brothers wife when they got married that's how my brother in law met her on that wedding plus they where living in separate countries these past 6 months communicating trough Skype ! We have been together for 9 years! Now all this attention is towards them coming from my in laws! When we got married they never forked over a penny for us. But for them both my husbands parents are divorced and remarried which is fine they payed for there small wedding a month ago! To me this is playing favoritism!

[Gotti25]

is non of our buisness sure that's right! Scheming life wth what your not getting me! My parents have gave us everything payed for lots of things! His parents did nothing for us all these years now they are providing my brother in law and his wife with everything don't you think that's a little screwed up?

[RiverRunning]

I'm not going to deny that they're showing obvious favoritism to your husband's brother. They definitely are. But you also point out that he's broke. Unfortunately, in many families, parents end up coddling the child who performs worst by giving him money. They may really be thinking, "Look at our washed-up bum kid. We have to pay for EVERYTHING for him." And while you may feel slighted that you're not receiving anything, the thought process may be more along the lines of, "Look at our other son. They can actually pay their own bills."

 

While your brother's getting the hand-outs, I doubt he's getting the respect that you and your husband are likely to get on account of handling everything on your own.

 

OP, I think it's important to start learning to see this situation from several vantage points (namely, that the brother might be getting money because he's pitied, not because he's favored).

 

Is there any chance you guys could move to a less expensive area? $3k for a studio apartment is ridiculous. Then again, I'm saying that from the suburbs of Detroit, where even the most expensive studio apartments would never cost more than $900 or so

[TigerCub]

Why do you expect your parents or his to pay for you?

 

You guys are adults and should be self sufficient.

You say that if you have a kid your parents would pay for it- that sounds so ridiculous, you would be that kid's parents, it would be on you and your husband to support it.

 

You're choosing to go broke by spending $3k on rent each month. Its not his parents responsibility to pick up the slack for that.

 

I understand that the favoritism hurts and all that, but as for them paying for your wedding, they don't have to, and to hold it against them is childish.

 

Maybe your brother in law is making a mistake, maybe not, but its his life to live.

and if his parents want to give him money to help him out - its their money to give.

[Emilia]

is non of our buisness sure that's right! Scheming life wth what your not getting me! My parents have gave us everything payed for lots of things! His parents did nothing for us all these years now they are providing my brother in law and his wife with everything don't you think that's a little screwed up?

 

RiverRunning has made some good points here but you also have to accept the fact that it's THEIR choice how they spend their money. No-one owes you a living or expensive rent. You are adults apparently, take responsibility for your budget and finances. If you can't afford $3,000 then move to somewhere cheaper.

 

You don't want to become one of those jealous old bitchy women that bicker with their in-laws at family events