Silly Comment Bothered Me... Should I Just Let it Go?

[venusianx13]

I was talking to my boyfriend about what I'd like to do for my pre-birthday dinner and possibly go dancing afterward. (this would be my last hurrah before I turn 30) My mom and I both have birthdays in October, so we'd thought we'd have a combined dinner celebration at a nice Portuguese Restaurant we all enjoy. When I told my boyfriend of this plan, he says, "Why don't we go to Valencia, instead? That was *our* go-to Portuguese spot." In this, he was referring to his ex, who was Portuguese. The comment itself bothered me immensely, that he had said "our"... but him mentioning that they used to go to that restaurant soured the idea for me. Why would I want to mix our new memories with his old memories? Two days later, and I'm still bothered. I've tried to let it go, but I can't. Am I being too sensitive? Should I just drop it? Or am I well within my right to feel this way?

 

Overall, my boyfriend is so good to me, we are very much in love, and I foresee a future with him. Perhaps I should just give him the benefit of the doubt that he really didn't think before he said that? I posted this in this forum because the comment made me feel jealous and insecure.

Edited August 15, 2012 by venusianx13

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I suggest a compromise. Make it seem to him that you let it go, but stew on it. Let it simmer. Feel the resentment build. Then one day, pick that scab that he doesn't know is there and unleash fury on him.

 

Otherwise he might see how small, inadvertent things he says wth no ill intent can push your crazy buttons.

[venusianx13]

Thanks for the reply. I posted here to be mindful and keep myself in check, and it's served its purpose well.

[CarrieT]

Yep, OP - you are being petty and small-minded.

 

He was probably being helpful by referring to a great restaurant and didn't use the right adverb for you. Instead of saying, "Why don't we go to Valencia, instead? It is a great Portuguese restaurant," he was trying to make the restaurant more impressive in your mind by emphasizing the fact that he used to eat there a lot.

 

Would it have made it any easier if he has said, "Why don't we go to Valenica - I used to eat there a lot and it is really good?" But people don't necessarily frame their quick responses to what someone WANTS to hear but what is easy and simply: "That was our go-to Portuguese spot." YOU are the one who emphasized and are stewing on the word "our" and to him, it was a simple turn of the phrase.

 

Many of us in past relationships will refer to the collective being of the union as "our." My ExBF and I traveled a lot. We have "our travels." It isn't indicative of being special - it is just a fact of vernacular. Let it go...

[GLDheart]

If it was an all dreamy eyed "our" then I would be pissed too. HOWEVER, He could say "our" with a hint of resentment and sarcasm too... almost like he's making fun of the fact that he was ever even with her... Only you heard the exact inflection.

 

Best not to read too much into it. Besides lot's of people use special things from past relationships. I don't think they do this as some way of honoring the old relationship. I think it is just a lack of creativity and a lack of sensitivity.

 

It's more like "Oh I know the best place!!.... oh right. does it bug you that I went there with her?... I didn't even give her any thought. I was just thinking of a great spot!"

 

So the way I would take it is: He's not hung up on her, he's just a DOPE for saying something stupid.

[pteromom]

Should I just drop it? Or am I well within my right to feel this way?

 

Both.

 

I would let it go, because as Carrie so eloquently put it, it likely meant nothing to HIM. He's with you, not her. If he still loved her, he'd be with her, so there's nothing to be jealous of.

 

But - you can't help the way you feel. Give yourself the right to feel it. Remind yourself that it isn't HIM making you feel insecure, but you. And remind yourself that you have a great guy who is excited about spending your birthday with you and wants you to have a great dinner.

[venusianx13]

Thanks for the advice!

 

He is an amazing guy... you know, my previous relationship was just so bad (my fiance cheated, lied, was unreliable, etc), that it's as if I'm set in a pattern to jump to negative conclusions or to be unnecessarily defensive. I'm working on it, I swear...

 

While what he said was pretty dopey, for sure, I am pretty sure there was nothing behind it. I ran it by my mother, too, and she thought it was a thoughtless thing for him to say something like that to me, but she agrees that there was nothing beind the "our" and to cut the guy some slack. I still, however, reserve the right to not visit that particular restaurant with him...just for the time being.