Wife wants to go on mini-vacation with male friend

[CaliforniaBoy]

So my wife and I have been together for about 2.5 years. We recently had a baby and she was quite the warrior and has battle through a lot. Now that the baby is quite a bit older (almost 1 year old), she was looking to go do something fun for a couple of days on a mini-vacation to San Francisco. I encouraged it as she always wanted to go there. I couldn't go with her as I would watch the baby as I don't think its ready to travel across the country (she agreed).

 

It was all good until she said that she asked her male friend to go with her. This is a guy she met while doing yoga about 2 years ago. Although I am not close friends with him, my wife and him have grown really close since she had the baby. He is one of my wife's closest friends. They go out for coffee once in a while and he comes over a lot even when I am not around. I told my wife I am uncomfortable because he's single and really calls her a lot and they text more than she texts with me (but I obviously see her more). She told me they are just friends and its not different than a female friend.

 

She seems really really close with him and justified him going to San Francisco with her because he also has never gone to California and they both had free time. I haven't said anything yet because I feel like my wife is looking forward to this trip and it would ruin it if I told her that I didn't trust him. What should I do because I am worried he will try something?

 

P.S.: This is a really good looking guy and broke with girlfriend about 6 months ago. They grew really close especially after that. I think he loves her because he basically revolves around her. What benefit does a single male get from being friends with a married woman with a baby? He could have spent the time with her instead finding a new girl!

Edited August 15, 2012 by CaliforniaBoy

[paperboy48]

Whatever you do....don't allow her to got on this trip with this guy! And, I would have a serious serious conversation about what exactly her relationship is with this guy.

[Madman81]

Have you read any of the texts she's exchanged with this guy?

 

I'd find a way to read them when she's in the bath/asleep/etc. You need to know what you're dealing with here.

 

But my first impulse is that it's not appropriate, particularly since he's only been in her life for two years, is now single, and she texts with him far more than with you.

 

Personally, I think a 1-year-old can travel across the country. That shouldn't be an issue. And if you still see it as an issue, why can't she go with a girlfriend?

 

This sounds very problematic to me.

[pteromom]

What should I do because I am worried he will try something?

 

I am always in the "don't be controlling" camp, but this crosses the line. The part that concerns me is "Although I am not close friends with him, my wife and him have grown really close since she had the baby" - If you were also good friends with him, I'd be less concerned. But since he's not close to you, single, straight, and seems to be into your wife, I think you have reason to feel uncomfortable.

 

All that said - if your wife is trustworthy, it doesn't matter if he tries something or not, because she won't go for it. Has she ever shown herself to be less than trustworthy?

 

I think you have a right in this situation to feel uncomfortable. After all, we aren't talking about them enjoying a dinner together - we're talking a VACATION.

 

I would tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her going on vacation with him and ask her if there's an alternative solution that would still allow her to enjoy her vacation but not with a single guy who likes her.

[CaliforniaBoy]

Whatever you do....don't allow her to got on this trip with this guy! And, I would have a serious serious conversation about what exactly her relationship is with this guy.

 

Well I feel like I will confront her again about him but elaborating on what I said in opening post was that she said it was just a friend. I actually told her I was uncomfortable and although I trusted her, I felt like men and women can't be close, close friends and not have some sexual tension unless they are relatives or one is older than the other. She broke down a bit and said I was trying to take a friend from her and that was not what spouses do to each other. I even tried to ask if she would feel different if I had such a close friend with a single female and she said, "Go right ahead, I trust you. That's what marriage is all about!" One thing she has stopped since that talk is going to his condo, which she would do once in a while for lunch or just to hang out.

 

I made a disgusted face when she said she asked this male friend to fly to San Francisco with her and spend a long weekend. But she didn't bite and didn't even ask my permission. She said it would be fun. Only when I asked her if they'd be in separate bedrooms, she said, "Of course, we're only friends. We've already had this conversation. End of discussion!" They were on the phone last night and from overhearing, this guy has booked some nice restaurants for dinner and lunch and has everything laid out. He really cares about her. And since its his birthday one week after, they will celebrate it in San Francisco and now all I think about is him sleeping with him on his birthday if it gets carried away.

[pteromom]

Personally, I think a 1-year-old can travel across the country. That shouldn't be an issue.

 

And I agree with this too. I have traveled extensively with my son from the time he was just a few months old.

 

A variety of toys, books, and snacks, a bottle or snack during take-off and landing to prevent ear pain, and a few walks up and down the aisle and you are good to go.

 

I think this is your solution. Go with her. Problem solved.

[pteromom]

I felt like men and women can't be close, close friends and not have some sexual tension unless they are relatives or one is older than the other.

 

I 100% disagree with you on this point, but I still don't think it is appropriate for her to go on vacation with him.

[Feelin Frisky]

I wouldn't have let it even start. That's where you erred. I don't mean I would "forbid" her a friend but there comes a point where the first thing happens that deserves mention (like "excuse me but wtf?") Anyway, you'll have to confront her and lay it out that you never wanted to be "controlling" or anything but there's a line and this is it. Things have changed since her "friendship" started and if it started as it is now it would be inappropriate. Good luck. And yes, the child, "it" is old enough for travel.

[CaliforniaBoy]

Have you read any of the texts she's exchanged with this guy?

 

I'd find a way to read them when she's in the bath/asleep/etc. You need to know what you're dealing with here.

 

But my first impulse is that it's not appropriate, particularly since he's only been in her life for two years, is now single, and she texts with him far more than with you.

 

Personally, I think a 1-year-old can travel across the country. That shouldn't be an issue. And if you still see it as an issue, why can't she go with a girlfriend?

 

This sounds very problematic to me.

 

Our little one has been sick, although he's getting better, and even his pediatrician has recommended not travelling for a while. I've seen some of the texts but it seems like when I see them, they are a lot less than I expected from the time she's actually texting them as if they were deleted on her iphone. So she could be just keeping the appropriate texts. He's never tried anything inappropriate in front of me but they have a lot of inside jokes (as all friends do).

 

She's gone to dinner with him a couple times back when he broke with his girlfriend and she wanted to give him advice and be there for him like he was there for her during the baby blues. Since then, they've gone to coffee or just hang at our house a lot. I've tried to brush it off as a sister-brother thing but not anymore.

 

I will confront her today I think. I'll keep you guys posted. Should I give an ultimatum? Either don't go with this guy or don't come back to our place. I'll even ask to come with her and leave our baby with my parents about 1 hour from where we live. They love the little thing.

[pteromom]

I will confront her today I think. I'll keep you guys posted. Should I give an ultimatum? Either don't go with this guy or don't come back to our place. I'll even ask to come with her and leave our baby with my parents about 1 hour from where we live. They love the little thing.

 

I think an ultimatum is just going to push her away from you, and I don't think you want her going on a vacation with a single attractive guy AND being angry at you. There's a recipe for disaster.

 

But asking to come with her and leaving the baby with your parents is a great idea. Do that.

[CaliforniaBoy]

I think an ultimatum is just going to push her away from you, and I don't think you want her going on a vacation with a single attractive guy AND being angry at you. There's a recipe for disaster.

 

But asking to come with her and leaving the baby with your parents is a great idea. Do that.

 

But what about him? He has booked his tickets and I am sure she doesn't want to hurt him? I don't give a rat's ass about him but she might want him to come too simply because they made plans already. I don't. Should I just suck it up and try to become friends with this guy or make her tell him that there is a change of plans and he can go but not hang out with us. By the way, the trip is in about 1.5 weeks away.

[Charlie Harper]

This guy is playing your wife like a cheap piano, believe me I KNOW I have been there.

 

I bet they haven't dome anything yet and she perceives him as a "safe"guy but I think he is not, and he has her lined up for a weekend of great things, celebration, hanging out and let me tell you right afterwards women have babies, they long for the life before being a mother. That weekend is like she is single again with a guy that has all the red flags all over him.

 

I am quite level headed and I trust my wife to oblivion and back, but some boundaries should no be passed and traveling with a close friend is one of those.

 

This is a test for your marriage and you should establish some ground rules, if she doesn't comply...well I have bad news for you.

 

Keep copies of everything and proof she went away with some random guy you may need it later.

[pteromom]

But what about him? He has booked his tickets and I am sure she doesn't want to hurt him? I don't give a rat's ass about him but she might want him to come too simply because they made plans already. I don't. Should I just suck it up and try to become friends with this guy or make her tell him that there is a change of plans and he can go but not hang out with us. By the way, the trip is in about 1.5 weeks away.

 

If he's already bought tickets, he's going with you (unless you have the $ to refund anything that is non-refundable for him).

 

Since he is someone who is a good friend of your wife's, I would absolutely "suck it up" and try to become friends with him. I would try to assume that his intentions are true and that they really are just friends, and approach it with that attitude. Plaster on a smile and stuff down all your fears and insecurities about this.

 

If they really are just friends, your wife should be fine with you going, as long as you aren't being a jerk about it or making it uncomfortable because he's there.

[Darren Steez]

Nothing wrong with men and women being close buddies, nothing wrong at all but why isn't he buddies with you? Come around when you are there, hang out or even include you in their activities?

You dont go out of town on trips with another man's wife without having at least spoken to him and it seems there is good reason this man is keeping his distance from you.

 

You did encourage her to go being the thoughtful husband that you are because you thought it would be good for her, but her inviting this man is taking the michael. Express to her how you feel and that you are really uncomfortable with this, and why not meet this man going away with your wife,if there is nothing to hide surely you all can meet up, have a few drinks and especially you and him talk like men. If there is nothing to hide.

[january2011]

Hell to the, "no." But that's me.

 

As a slight aside, what was the reason for the breakup of his relationship? That is, did his relationship with your wife have anything to do with it? AKA his ex-girlfriend got upset about the amount of time he was spending with your wife.

[MuscleCarFan]

I find the entire thing to be highly inappropriate. I think you should make friends do you can gauge whether he is the type to try and sleep with your wife.

[CaliforniaBoy]

Well I just talked to my wife. I said I'd like to join but she said that my jealousy would ruin their trip as it was like a big birthday present to her best friend (next to me). I said that it was wrong for her to go away to a romantic city with a single guy but she said that she'd never ever try anything and what her and her friend have is just a platonic relationship. I asked of he's ever tried anything, and she said that it wouldn't matter even if he did, as she's married with another guy. It's like she is seriously attached to this guy and she had an answer for everything.

 

So I told her that from my end, it felt like this situation was destroying our marriage. She replied that a marriage can't last if one partner tries to control the other. She then walked away and then came back (probably after texting) and said that she'd be eating dinner at his place as she didn't want to put up with my immaturity for the evening.

 

But to answer other questions, he usually stays away when I'm around but he'll pop up randomly once in a while and not really pay much attention to me beyond being civil. He's a decent guy but is only friends with her while only being an acquaintance with me. And as far as the breakup, he'd been with that girlfriend since before he knew my wife. My wife didn't like her and they'd be on the phone all the time about how he shouldn't put up with that girl's antics. My wife would hang out with them but it seems like she wanted him to find someone else. She basically supported him throughout the breakup and he has a lot more time for her now. I don't know if he's even dated since then and my wife would never fix him up wit one of her friends even after I suggested saying that it would be too awkward for her.

[Madman81]

I made a disgusted face when she said she asked this male friend to fly to San Francisco with her and spend a long weekend. But she didn't bite and didn't even ask my permission. She said it would be fun. Only when I asked her if they'd be in separate bedrooms, she said, "Of course, we're only friends. We've already had this conversation. End of discussion!"

I find this part troubling. She feels she has the right to address your quite legitimate concerns by saying "end of discussion". She's doing something that, even if completely innocent (and you will never REALLY know if anything happens on the trip or not), looks highly questionable to outside appearances. She should be ending over backwards to assure you that everything's on the up-and-up. And she's not doing that.

 

Years ago, my now-ex-wife became close friends with a guy who, while part of our mutual social circle, wasn't really a friend of mine. I saw the two of them arguing once and observed, out loud, that they were like "brother and sister". Little did I know that I was observing sexual tension, and that they'd been screwing around for several months by that point.

 

Here's what you should do: surprise her and tell her you want to go with them, because a getaway without your baby would be great. Tell her you'll make arrangements to leave your baby with your parents for the weekend, so it's not her problem. Their hotel bookings are already made, so there should be no problem about accommodation since she and he supposedly have separate rooms. Dinner reservations for two can easily become reservations for three. Be upbeat and cheerful when you suggest this, not suspicious or overbearing.

 

The idea is to guage her reaction. If she hems and haws, or makes up some BS story about the hotel or the restaurants, etc., you'll suddenly have a bunch of info about what they're really planning, and why they don't want it to include you.

 

If the only concern she raises is about the baby, then you can re-evaluate. If her concerns about the baby are expressed hysterically or nervously (rather than calmly or rationally), then that's a bad sign.

[Madman81]

Just read your latest. It's not "controlling" of a person to not want their significant other to go on a weekend away with another person who seems to have the hots for them.

 

And then she walks out to have dinner with him, because of your "immaturity"?

 

She's blameshifting. Pot, meet kettle.

 

Danger, Will Robinson...

[CaliforniaBoy]

So I just called her male friend and asked if he'd be uncomfortable if I came along (she is already at his place). He said that he's fine and would love it if I joined them but then said that my wife tells him that I am making her uncomfortable by living her life the way she wants to. He then said that maybe its best if I didn't come along and stayed home for the sake of my wife and that we can all get together some other time.

 

He was acting as if it's her wife ad that pissed me off. I told him that I didn't appreciate him spending so much time with my wife and that he should back off even if it's platonic. He replied that my wife is her own woman and can do anything she wants and that I should chill out and take up an interest. I shot back telling him that from now on, I forbid him from seeing my wife at which point my wife got on the line and told me to grow up before I hurt our relationship simply because she wants to spend time with her best friend. She then told me not to call his place or his cell and that my behaviour was making her friend angry.

 

At that point, I asked her who she loved and she replied that I should never question her love. The male friend got back on the line and said for me to back off and let them enjoy the evening. He said that she's my wife but as as friend, he also has an obligation to make sure he doesn't get hurt or upset by a jerk.

[Garfish]

She met him in a sweaty Yoga class and they've been having "lunch" at his condo? He books the two of them for fancy dinner dates in another town on or around his birthday? Then she gets upset when you suggest you should go along? Am I reading this right? And you still don't know what to do? While your wife is away bangin this dude, get your finances together and consult a divorce lawyer. In fact, don't wait, do it now. I am sorry she's putting you through this. Best of luck.

[Keke1]

I kind of find it funny when ppl say you should trust her. Trust her for what? This crap is unacceptable. What if they are having sex? You may never know. Controlling that's not what is goin on. Where is the respect? To many ppl have blindly trusted and been rewarded with broken hearts. Lowdown ppl in this world.

[pteromom]

So I just called her male friend and asked if he'd be uncomfortable if I came along (she is already at his place). He said that he's fine and would love it if I joined them but then said that my wife tells him that I am making her uncomfortable by living her life the way she wants to. He then said that maybe its best if I didn't come along and stayed home for the sake of my wife and that we can all get together some other time.

 

He was acting as if it's her wife ad that pissed me off. I told him that I didn't appreciate him spending so much time with my wife and that he should back off even if it's platonic. He replied that my wife is her own woman and can do anything she wants and that I should chill out and take up an interest. I shot back telling him that from now on, I forbid him from seeing my wife at which point my wife got on the line and told me to grow up before I hurt our relationship simply because she wants to spend time with her best friend. She then told me not to call his place or his cell and that my behaviour was making her friend angry.

 

At that point, I asked her who she loved and she replied that I should never question her love. The male friend got back on the line and said for me to back off and let them enjoy the evening. He said that she's my wife but as as friend, he also has an obligation to make sure he doesn't get hurt or upset by a jerk.

 

Why did you call him? I don't see the logic in that. You didn't need his permission to go, and now you've gone and made a big mess, and put your wife in a position where she's gotta "choose" between you.

 

This was a dumb move, man.

 

That said, he didn't have a right to suggest you not come. But you gave him the opening!!!!

 

Now, you look like the jerk who is trying to "forbid" her friendship, and he looks like the caring friend who is trying to protect her.

 

Congratulations.

 

So now what? Forget the friend. Go to your wife. Apologize for losing your cool. Tell her that you can't help feeling uncomfortable about her going on vacation with him, and that you hope she reconsiders.

 

That said... she was at his place when you called? How often is she seeing him? When you started this thread, I didn't see anything that made me doubt her faithfulness, but the more you share, the more it is seeming like he's not just a friend.

 

If she is insistent on following through with the vacation and doesn't want you to go, you may want to consider an information-gathering mission of some kind.

[Keke1]

So I just called her male friend and asked if he'd be uncomfortable if I came along (she is already at his place). He said that he's fine and would love it if I joined them but then said that my wife tells him that I am making her uncomfortable by living her life the way she wants to. He then said that maybe its best if I didn't come along and stayed home for the sake of my wife and that we can all get together some other time.

 

He was acting as if it's her wife ad that pissed me off. I told him that I didn't appreciate him spending so much time with my wife and that he should back off even if it's platonic. He replied that my wife is her own woman and can do anything she wants and that I should chill out and take up an interest. I shot back telling him that from now on, I forbid him from seeing my wife at which point my wife got on the line and told me to grow up before I hurt our relationship simply because she wants to spend time with her best friend. She then told me not to call his place or his cell and that my behaviour was making her friend angry.

 

At that point, I asked her who she loved and she replied that I should never question her love. The male friend got back on the line and said for me to back off and let them enjoy the evening. He said that she's my wife but as as friend, he also has an obligation to make sure he doesn't get hurt or upset by a jerk.

You have to be kidding me. If I reply in this thread again im going to say yall wife when referring to her.

You are sharing your wife with someone you barely know. Yea you probably shouldn't have called him. It never should've even gotten this far.

Edited August 15, 2012 by Keke1

[Madman81]

Something just occurred to me.

 

You say your wife met this guy at yoga about two years ago. Your child is nearly a year old, i.e. was conceived nine months earlier. About three months after your wife and this guy first met. And she's been spending much more time with him since the baby was born, especially when you're not there.

 

Do you have any reason to think the child isn't yours?

 

Sorry to even bring this up, but Jesus...