Wife wants to go on mini-vacation with male friend

[Chi townD]

I think that this might be a hit and run thread. Don't know if the OP is coming back or not. Maybe, if this weekend is the "getaway" weekend. Who knows.

[nofool4u]

I think that this might be a hit and run thread. Don't know if the OP is coming back or not. Maybe, if this weekend is the "getaway" weekend. Who knows.

 

Or the sh** hit the fan and he decided to tell her she needs to act like a wife and not selfishly go on a trip without her husband, and now he is dealing with that and has no time right now to post.

 

The whole notion of her going off when the husband can't, because of the baby, is ridiculous. Let alone with another man.

 

I really think he needs to document what is going on and file for divorce. Because I think she has been boning this guy and plans on doing it alot on this trip.

[MuscleCarFan]

Time for a paternity test.

 

Yoga Dude is black and they are both white, so no worries there.

[foralittlerespect]

OK. I understand wanting to believe the best about somebody. But I think you are being naive...(trust me, it takes one to know one.) Is it possible that they truly are "just friends?" Yes. BUT SHE IS STILL COMMITTING INFIDELITY.

 

Infidelity isn't just physical. In fact, some people consider emotional infidelity to be worse! She is constantly seeing this guy, doing outside activities (yoga, TRIPS for god's sake!) and coaching him through his break ups, going out for meals with him, texting him constantly (with some texts unaccounted for which is a huge red flag), planning an elaborate vacation with him from which you are excluded...the list goes on. Does she do ANY of these things with you 15% as much as she does with him???

 

To her: Shame on you. Way to take the father of your child for granted. Leaving your one-year-old with your husband to go on an elaborate trip with another guy that isn't your husband? Your single days are OVER. Either start committing to this relationship, or take all of what the single life has to offer (no marriage, money, and say bye bye to your kid.)

 

To you: I'm sorry your wants, desires, needs are being totally rejected and trampled on. You've gotten a lot of great advice on here. Now, I'm not going to compare your wifey to my ex sociopath boyfriend (nobody deserves that comparison in my opinion ) but I do know what the consequences are of constantly ignoring your gut and making excuses for someone when your feelings are clearly pointing you in the right direction.

 

Hugs.

[drifter777]

OP: are you still checking your thread? It is incredulous that a husband would stand by and watch his wife go on a romantic trip with another guy. It's unbelievable. She's already doing him and you are such a chump you don't see it, or maybe you like it. Anyway, your story is incredible and the voyeur in me would like to know how it turns out.

[Keke1]

OP: are you still checking your thread? It is incredulous that a husband would stand by and watch his wife go on a romantic trip with another guy. It's unbelievable. She's already doing him and you are such a chump you don't see it, or maybe you like it. Anyway, your story is incredible and the voyeur in me would like to know how it turns out.

 

Dont some if you preach trust though? I mean if she is saying nothing is going on why wouldnt you trust that?

Personally yea maybe controlling but aint no way my wife is going to be alone with a single guy the way she has. **** that trust ****

[blueskyday]

I think everyone has already said all that can be said...but, I wil say that I'm sure the OP is trying very hard to make sense of this situation in a way that will let him keep your marriage.

 

Unfortunately, she is not acting like a wife. You must assume hostile intentions. You are NOT being controlling. It's NOT about trust. That's a bunch of BS. Been there and experienced that.

 

You do come FIRST. Your baby comes FIRST. She is obviously loyal to this dude. End of story. She isn't loyal to you.

 

I would fly to wherever she is going and video record them. Her story is so full of crap. I understand you may not want to do that, so I agree: hire a PI to follow them around. But, don't wait until the trip. Do it now. I'm sure you will get plenty of evidence that shows an affair.

 

This exact thing happened to a married male friend of mine. He ended up hiding a voice activated tape recorder under the seat of her car. He heard an earful and got his proof.

 

I'm so sorry for you, but I know you are strong enough to handle this (especially for your child.)

 

If she goes on this trip, then the marriage seems over.

[nofool4u]

CaliBoy

If you ever do decide to divorce, document that she left you alone with the baby to go off on vacation with another man. Men get the shaft when it comes to custody. So if you ever hope to gain it, document, document, document.

 

And if she makes this a frequent thing of leaving you at home with the baby, document again. Build a case for neglect and possible abandonment.

[sally4sara]

CaliBoy

If you ever do decide to divorce, document that she left you alone with the baby to go off on vacation with another man. Men get the shaft when it comes to custody. So if you ever hope to gain it, document, document, document.

 

And if she makes this a frequent thing of leaving you at home with the baby, document again. Build a case for neglect and possible abandonment.

 

I agree it is prudent to documenting any proof of infidelity.

 

But to include any instance of leaving town and calling it neglect or abandonment is opening the door up to her trying to do the same to drag him back into court in the future. People with kids sometimes DO have to go out of town. As long as a capable caretaker has been found it isn't neglect or abandonment. The OP is capable is he not? Calling her going out of town and leaving the baby with him will backfire as it suggests HE thinks of himself as an incapable caregiver. Plus going into court slinging mud that isn't there will lose a person some credibility with the judge.

[AlexCross]

I read this whole thread the emotional turmoil this guy is going through i feel horrible.

[salparadise]

Proof of infidelity is very difficult to obtain. Courts don't consider circumstantial evidence to be proof. So you basically have to get photos or video of them in the act, or have a credible eye witness testify. Even video of the two entering and leaving a motel would not be sufficient. Courts tend to treat such cases as no-faults. And it's somewhat rational in the sense that marriage is no longer considered ownership (like it was when those laws were written) and infidelity is as much a symptom of a marriage being over as the actual cause. Plus, judges just don't like having to decide cases––they want the lawyers and guardian ad litem to work out a settlement.

 

I happen to know a couple where the wife has a close, single opposite-sex friend of more than ten years that she met through an athletic club they both were active in. She goes and hangs out at his condo a few times a month, meets him for dinner, invites him to her house both when the husband is home and when he's not. The husband, who is religious, is convinced that it's a platonic friendship, and they do a good job of making it look quite casual. The fact is that she's been banging the guy the whole time right under the husband's nose. She's a good catholic girl who was a virgin when she married. Lots of parallels. This is an anecdotal example of course, but it sure makes me realize two things... a) things can seem very different from what they actually are depending on beliefs and perspective, and b) anytime an unrelated man and woman grow very close, confide, console, support and lavish each other with attention, sex is almost certainly going to result. Unless it is a professional relationship, or based around some activity they are both involved in, and boundaries are maintained, it's in all likelihood emotional and sexual. This woman has no concept of boundaries, and based on everything I've read there is no other basis for their friendship.

 

There is a theory called Bowen Family Systems, developed by Dr. Murray Bowen, that poses that individuals cannot be understood in isolation, but great insight can be had by diagraming and studying the more complex family system. The triangle is the smallest stable system, and anytime you add a person, whether it be a child or friend of one of the partners, it changes relational dynamics all around. There will be one side in conflict and two sides in harmony.

 

Bottom line is that her giving this guy a place in her life has grossly upset the balance in this system. She probably doesn't see it for what it is since she is on the inside looking out, and also trying to justify what she's doing and what she wants. The husband is the 'in conflict' side of the triangle now.

 

If the OP ever comes back and reads this, and assuming there is something left to save in this marriage, I'd suggest counseling with someone who uses the Bowen system to help her understand that she can't add another alpha to a family system and expect things to remain harmonious.

 

Beyond the few things he's told us that she said, we have little insight into her personality, stye of thinking, emotional makup, etc. I would be interested in knowing more. She's either naive or disingenuous and I can't figure out which. Assuming she is naive and this her relationship with the other man has not become physical, how can she not realize that she is destroying her marriage and affecting everyone around her? Nature has it's ways, and nature's way is for same sex people to be friends and opposite sex people to become lovers. That's how we were all created and we carry those genes. In a sense it's just that simple.

 

I feel for the OP and wish him the best. Perhaps I am naive, but I still hope it can be resolved. Bowen counseling could help I think. If not then it will surely help him understand what went wrong.

Edited August 18, 2012 by salparadise

[MuscleCarFan]

I wish OP would respond, because I want to know what is going on...

[salparadise]

Post #100 - couldn't resist. And the OP is nowhere to be heard from. Gosh I bet he's going through a rough time.

[CaliforniaBoy]

Well I have been just going through a rough time. Talking to my parents and they're helping me get everything in line for separation (my father's a lawyer and has some good connections). I've been super nice to her though and we don't talk as much. Its over and I know it and now its all about planning for the end. It'll take some time as I need to make sure I have everything before telling her. Maybe when she gets back.

 

I've accepted that she's cheating and I am making sure that she doesn't take anything else from me. I am hurt and depressed but I'll be fine as this is not my first marriage (first marriage at very young age-18). I guess marriage is not for me, at least not in my 20s/30s. My parents are great and her parents will understand.

[FryFish]

So no more confrontations with her?

[AlexCross]

Well I have been just going through a rough time. Talking to my parents and they're helping me get everything in line for separation (my father's a lawyer and has some good connections). I've been super nice to her though and we don't talk as much. Its over and I know it and now its all about planning for the end. It'll take some time as I need to make sure I have everything before telling her. Maybe when she gets back.

 

I've accepted that she's cheating and I am making sure that she doesn't take anything else from me. I am hurt and depressed but I'll be fine as this is not my first marriage (first marriage at very young age-18). I guess marriage is not for me, at least not in my 20s/30s. My parents are great and her parents will understand.

 

Dont tell her sh*t. Leave the paperwork taped to the door. Her things on the lawn. Do not talk to her. She does not deserve your voice.

[karnak]

 

I've accepted that she's cheating and I am making sure that she doesn't take anything else from me. I am hurt and depressed but I'll be fine as this is not my first marriage (first marriage at very young age-18). I guess marriage is not for me, at least not in my 20s/30s. My parents are great and her parents will understand.

 

This is your second marriage? Man, I'm sorry for you. It must feel horrible to go through this kind of **** again.

 

At least it's good that you have your parents behind you.

 

I have a cousin who treats her husband like trash. Even in front of complete strangers. Even though I don't have any proof I suspect that she has cheated on him several times.

In fact, she just gave birth to a baby girl yesterday and I have a bizarre feeling that the baby is not her husband's.

 

The most horrible thing is that the poor man is a "nice guy" who can't say no to her. In fact, his own parents treat their daughter-in-law as if she was the leader or something.

 

So sad... this world today is really filled with messed-up people.

[salparadise]

Well I have been just going through a rough time. Talking to my parents and they're helping me get everything in line for separation (my father's a lawyer and has some good connections). I've been super nice to her though and we don't talk as much. Its over and I know it and now its all about planning for the end. It'll take some time as I need to make sure I have everything before telling her. Maybe when she gets back.

 

I've accepted that she's cheating and I am making sure that she doesn't take anything else from me. I am hurt and depressed but I'll be fine as this is not my first marriage (first marriage at very young age-18). I guess marriage is not for me, at least not in my 20s/30s. My parents are great and her parents will understand.

 

I feel for you and know it's tough, but don't integrate such a generalization as marriage isn't for me, just because you've had a run of 2 bad ones, as a belief or truth. The fact are that about 50% are forever and you simply have had 2 that weren't. Be very careful about the meaning you attach to experiences. This was her fault, not yours, and you deserve better. That's what you should integrate––a strong belief that after this, you deserve better and that there is someone out there who is better for you. That is a fact my friend.

 

Please let us know how it goes from here.

[GLDheart]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You did not do this. She threw it away. Good luck with everything.

[Chi townD]

Whoa! I got some questions! If your father is a lawyer, what advice did he give you? What did he say your chances of full custody are? She obviously left for the weekend. Did she say anything before she left? Did you tell her that if she left, not to come back? Did you tell her parents? Her friends and family? Did you do ANYTHING pro-active before she left?

[nofool4u]

I agree it is prudent to documenting any proof of infidelity.

 

But to include any instance of leaving town and calling it neglect or abandonment is opening the door up to her trying to do the same to drag him back into court in the future.

 

No, not really. And abandonment may be the wrong word. Him documenting that she leaves him alone to babysit so she can go off on trips with another man to shag him will simply show who the more fit parent is. Infidelity, unfortunately, does not make a parent unfit in the courts eyes. But if the husband is watching the baby while she gets to go off and do this, simply shows the court who is MORE fit to take care of the child.

 

It'll be hard to do, however, because a woman could screw a man in the marital bed 100 times over and probably still get custody. It sucks for good fathers out there.

 

 

People with kids sometimes DO have to go out of town.

 

There is a difference between the need to go out of town for work/family related things, or even just a getaway, and going out of town sticking the other parent with babysitting the child so the other parent can get screwed by another person.

 

 

Plus going into court slinging mud that isn't there will lose a person some credibility with the judge.

 

Documenting and showing that the father is taking care of the baby so the mother can go off and be unscrupulous and having a lack of morals isn't mudslinging. Its simply the facts.

 

And if judge still wants to award custody to a wh0re, then it just further solidifies that fathers get the shaft. When a woman documents the wrongdoings of the father and gets custody, why is that not considered mudslinging?

[nofool4u]

Proof of infidelity is very difficult to obtain. Courts don't consider circumstantial evidence to be proof.

 

And its all irrelevant anyway. Infidelity, unfortunately, doesn't come into play with regards to division of marital assets and custody.

 

Its simply a reason to get divorced, and he doesn't have to prove it for that.

[salparadise]

And its all irrelevant anyway. Infidelity, unfortunately, doesn't come into play with regards to division of marital assets and custody.

 

Its simply a reason to get divorced, and he doesn't have to prove it for that.

 

It depends on which state you're in. In my state it certainly can affect property division and, depending on the predilection of the judge, perhaps custody. But it rarely comes into play because it can seldom be proven successfully, and it's seen as an antiquated law and courts prefer to push the parties toward settlement or when they are forced to decide, to just split it down the middle.

[nofool4u]

It depends on which state you're in. In my state it certainly can affect property division and, depending on the predilection of the judge, perhaps custody.

 

Then there must be a guideline that says what the asset division would be in the event of infidelity. So what is it?

[sally4sara]

No, not really. And abandonment may be the wrong word. Him documenting that she leaves him alone to babysit so she can go off on trips with another man to shag him will simply show who the more fit parent is.

 

No, it won't and here is why:

 

One I don't know if the state the OP is in is a "no fault" for divorce or not. If its a no fault state - the infidelity of one spouse while the other was faithful doesn't get factored in. There are more "no fault" states than otherwise. There are still some states that if you have proof of infidelity you can get an "at fault" divorce option but you have to act fast and forgo the separation period requirement. Many people cannot both find new residence keep out of debt with other standing monetary obligations and pay for a battle ready lawyer all in one fell swoop. Maybe the OP is lucky and can pull this off.

 

If he goes into court and says "Your honor she abandoned the baby in my care to go out of town with another man. That is neglectful."

He is saying anytime either of them go out of town with a member of the opposite sex, the one going out of town is guilty of abandonment and neglect unless they take the child along. He will be setting himself up for a custody battle if he meets someone later and wants to go out of town on a romantic holiday.

 

Since the court isn't going to expect celibacy out of them as divorced parents, they won't care about either of them going out of town on a romantic holiday so long as appropriate care is secured for the child. And for him to say she was neglectful and guilty of abandonment by leaving his own child in his care, he is calling himself unfit. Its not like she left the baby in the crib and he came home, didn't know where his wife went and discovered the baby unattended. He needs to stay far away from anything that suggests he cannot be just as capable of a parent as she is.

 

He has a good shot at the affair damaging her in court. He shouldn't need to pour on the dramatics to show what a character blemish an affair is if it might put him in a bad light too. He has nothing to fear about what she can show him guilty of right? She pulled all this, he took care of his child like a dutiful father and didn't even threaten the nasty piece of work his wife has been being with harm so he is clean as a whistle.