Wife wants to go on mini-vacation with male friend

[drifter777]

Well I have been just going through a rough time. Talking to my parents and they're helping me get everything in line for separation (my father's a lawyer and has some good connections). I've been super nice to her though and we don't talk as much. Its over and I know it and now its all about planning for the end. It'll take some time as I need to make sure I have everything before telling her. Maybe when she gets back.

 

I've accepted that she's cheating and I am making sure that she doesn't take anything else from me. I am hurt and depressed but I'll be fine as this is not my first marriage (first marriage at very young age-18). I guess marriage is not for me, at least not in my 20s/30s. My parents are great and her parents will understand.

 

Now you are making good sense. You've been through the worst here and the actual walking away will probably be exhilarating.

 

It's hard to believe that you didn't immediately fly off the handle and walk away like most of us would have. But after thinking more about it, I'm impressed with your calm approach to all of this. I completely understand your reluctance to act right away as you where probably in shock and so completely confused by the audacity of her actions you needed time to re-think things. She seemed to be gas-lighting you with the "if you love me trust me" stuff which, under normal circumstances, is true. But that's when she's going out with the gal's for a few drinks, not when she's going on a romantic vacation with some other man. Way, way over the line. Things like this can knock our psyche for a loop and it can take a while for us to regain our equilibrium. I'm happy you have and know you will be just fine.

[salparadise]

Then there must be a guideline that says what the asset division would be in the event of infidelity. So what is it?

 

I searched briefly and didn't find a specific guideline, but I did find many instances, including my state's bar association website, that affirmed that it can be taken into consideration. It's complex stuff so I'm not going to go into detail, but typically misconduct affects distribution when it negatively impacts the marital finances, e.g., spending marital assets on a paramour.

 

Also, in this state and many others, being guilty of adultery can negate an offending spouse's right to receive spousal support. This could be important to the OP of this thread.

 

These are the states that may take marital misconduct into consideration in the distribution: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin.

 

Source: Divorce and Marital Misconduct

[CaliforniaBoy]

Thanks guys for all the love and support, although things aren't great for me, at least my life can move on now as I am still young and I am preparing for the end with good progress. My parents are the greatest with their help and although I don't want to delve into specific things on a public forum, we are well prepared for the divorce and especially regarding the future of my child.

[MuscleCarFan]

Thanks guys for all the love and support, although things aren't great for me, at least my life can move on now as I am still young and I am preparing for the end with good progress. My parents are the greatest with their help and although I don't want to delve into specific things on a public forum, we are well prepared for the divorce and especially regarding the future of my child.

 

It's a shame your 2nd marriage ended this way, but things will get better from here on out!

[Later82012]

Some of the posts of some of the people that were supporting the woman in the beginning are just unbelievable. It is very clear right from his first post that his wife and that other guy are having an affair already.

[Almond_Joy]

Thanks for coming back to update us on what you decided to do, CaliforniaBoy. It sucks to hear that you're hurting - from what you've shared here you seem like a very accommodating husband that's more or less been exploited and neglected. You deserve better than that.

 

Also glad to hear you have such a supportive and understanding family. Best of luck to you.

[Trimmer]

It depends on which state you're in. In my state it certainly can affect property division and, depending on the predilection of the judge, perhaps custody. But it rarely comes into play because it can seldom be proven successfully, and it's seen as an antiquated law and courts prefer to push the parties toward settlement or when they are forced to decide, to just split it down the middle.

So doesn't all of that still diminish the issue as effectively "irrelevant" - at least in practice, if not stritcly as written in the law?

[YellowShark]

I know it's all been said in previous posts but married women DO NOT go on vacations with single OTHER MEN alone. They just don't. It is not a state secret or something that is negotiable.

 

Your wife has left the reservation and is now "an enemy of the state." The state is you and your child. She has more loyalty to this other douchebag than to her own family. What a cruel, heartless cow she is.

 

Round up the wagons CaliforniaBoy and know you are 100% right and she is 100% wrong.

 

Best of luck.

[Chi townD]

Okay, So, with your last post makes me think that you're done here. So, good luck!!

[nofool4u]

No, it won't and here is why:

 

One I don't know if the state the OP is in is a "no fault" for divorce or not. If its a no fault state - the infidelity of one spouse while the other was faithful doesn't get factored in.

 

Infidelity never does get factored in. But a judge could see that if the father takes care of the child, while she trollups around on vacations for be with another man, as being the more fit parent.

 

Or the judge won't. Either way, he has done what he can to prove who is the better parent for the child. The courts most of the time don't care who is more fit to raise the child, although they will say they do.

 

 

If he goes into court and says "Your honor she abandoned the baby in my care to go out of town with another man. That is neglectful."

He is saying anytime either of them go out of town with a member of the opposite sex, the one going out of town is guilty of abandonment and neglect unless they take the child along. He will be setting himself up for a custody battle if he meets someone later and wants to go out of town on a romantic holiday.

 

Again, there is a difference between going out of town on business, or for a vacation and needing a baby sitter, and leaving the husband at home with the child so she can f*** another man.

 

Again, a judge more than likely won't care, and will award custody to someone unfit and doesn't have the moral character to pass on to the child. Judges don't care if the child is raised by someone unscrupulous.

 

 

Since the court isn't going to expect celibacy out of them as divorced parents, they won't care about either of them going out of town on a romantic holiday so long as appropriate care is secured for the child. And for him to say she was neglectful and guilty of abandonment by leaving his own child in his care, he is calling himself unfit.

 

Apples and Oranges. Again, big difference between a business trip, or romantic vacation with two committed parents, and leaving a child home with the husband so she can go spread 'em for another man.

 

The difference lies in the one that forces one spouse to stay home so they are free to commit adultery isn't taking the child's best interest into account.

 

Yes, a judge more than likely won't care, but he would still have to make his case. For someone to not give a crap about the family unit and their child to risk the marriage like that SHOULD show who is more fit to be a parent.

But I know very well courts don't care about that. Good fathers get the shaft.

 

 

Its not like she left the baby in the crib and he came home, didn't know where his wife went and discovered the baby unattended.

 

She doesn't care enough about the baby to risk putting them in a broken home.

 

 

He has a good shot at the affair damaging her in court.

 

You just said infidelity doesn't factor in, to which I agree.

 

But if it is to make a difference then simply telling the court that he was the primary care giver to the child while she was engaging in her affair will only help. Doubtful, but he has to make his case.

 

 

He has nothing to fear about what she can show him guilty of right?

 

Right, but again, courts don't care about that. Unless he can make a case, the wh0re will get custody.

 

 

She pulled all this, he took care of his child like a dutiful father and didn't even threaten the nasty piece of work his wife has been being with harm so he is clean as a whistle.

 

Yes, and the courts need to know he took care of the child like a dutiful father when the mother could have cared less about the future of her child.

 

Otherwise if he doesn't promote himself as the more fit parent, the wife and courts will railroad him.

 

He may not get custody anyway because even the most unscrupulous woman will more than likely get custody. If he doesn't make his case for her being unfit, he is screwed anyway. So he has nothing to lose.

[nofool4u]

I searched briefly and didn't find a specific guideline, but I did find many instances, including my state's bar association website, that affirmed that it can be taken into consideration. It's complex stuff so I'm not going to go into detail, but typically misconduct affects distribution when it negatively impacts the marital finances, e.g., spending marital assets on a paramour.

 

Also, in this state and many others, being guilty of adultery can negate an offending spouse's right to receive spousal support. This could be important to the OP of this thread.

 

You didn't find anything because a court cannot set guidelines for division of marital assets based on infidelity. Doesn't matter what state you are in. There simply are NO guidelines for this.

 

However you are correct about the awarding of spousal support sometimes being dependent on infidelity. Or if there is a prenup.

 

I do wish you were correct though. I don't think someone who was unfaithful should get Jack Schidt.

[salparadise]

So doesn't all of that still diminish the issue as effectively "irrelevant" - at least in practice, if not stritcly as written in the law?

 

Sometimes perhaps, but not always. If there is proof that meets whatever standard a court deems sufficient, especially if misconduct negatively impacted the finances, then the court may overtly take it into consideration. And, depending on a judge's discretion, if the non-offending spouse has convincing evidence (everybody knows) that doesn't meet the burden of proof, the court's sympathies could sway equitable distribution in favor of the non-offending spouse. Equitable does not mean equal. And meeting the burden of proof can negate an offending spouse's access to spousal support (which could be huge). So it's highly variable depending on the state, the judge, the evidence, and the what is considered sufficient proof. Courts seem to prefer handling as no-fault and splitting it down the middle even in states that are not no-fault states, and one way of doing this is raising the burden of proof to a level that can almost never be met.

[nofool4u]

Cali, is there an update to your situation? Does she still think she can go off on a trip with another man and that you should just sit there and take it?

[Untouchable_Fire]

So she just texted me, "Apologize to me and XXXX. He is very upset at you and you have no right to forbid him or me to be friends!"

I think things are crumbling. I love her to death and she's been with me for 5 years (2.5 year gf, 2.5 year marriage). She was deeply religious and was a virgin before meeting me. However this guy basically owns and controls her now. He seems like a player but she always tells me not to talk about him that way because he is a sweet person.

I guess i need to look into my options. Hopefully this is just a phase. We can work through it regardless of what's going on but of she loves him (especially of its more than me) I guess I need to end it. Its part my fault as I am so busy with my career (completing MBA at same time) and I just don't have time to look like her male friend who looks like a model.

 

It sucks, but you need to just let go of her. Never go back.

 

Personally, she sounds like a piece of crap anyway. Deeply Religious my ass.

 

Well I have been just going through a rough time. Talking to my parents and they're helping me get everything in line for separation (my father's a lawyer and has some good connections). I've been super nice to her though and we don't talk as much. Its over and I know it and now its all about planning for the end. It'll take some time as I need to make sure I have everything before telling her. Maybe when she gets back.

I've accepted that she's cheating and I am making sure that she doesn't take anything else from me. I am hurt and depressed but I'll be fine as this is not my first marriage (first marriage at very young age-18). I guess marriage is not for me, at least not in my 20s/30s. My parents are great and her parents will understand.

 

Screw her parents they don't care about you... they care about her. Make sure you get custody of the kid if you can do a better job taking care. Otherwise get ready to start paying for her makeup and her dates, and Mr. Yoga's new car.

 

Thanks guys for all the love and support, although things aren't great for me, at least my life can move on now as I am still young and I am preparing for the end with good progress. My parents are the greatest with their help and although I don't want to delve into specific things on a public forum, we are well prepared for the divorce and especially regarding the future of my child.

 

Awesome news! Come back some time and let everyone know you are doing well.

[nofool4u]

Thanks guys for all the love and support, although things aren't great for me, at least my life can move on now as I am still young and I am preparing for the end with good progress. My parents are the greatest with their help and although I don't want to delve into specific things on a public forum, we are well prepared for the divorce and especially regarding the future of my child.

 

Wow! That was all of a sudden. I take it that since she isn't fighting a divorce that her plan was to screw this guy all along, or already is.

 

Protect yourself, get a good attorney, tell him/her your whole story and let them decide if you have a shot at custody.

I'm sorry, but a woman like your wife isn't fit to have full custody, but I fear the courts won't care. But you tell your attorney just the same. (and see if you can get proof of adultery so you can file on those grounds, otherwise you can cite irreconcilable differences)

[Trimmer]

Wow! That was all of a sudden. I take it that since she isn't fighting a divorce that her plan was to screw this guy all along, or already is.

What gave you the impression that she "isn't fighting a divorce"? From CB's posts, I'm not even sure we can assume she knows his plans yet:

Its over and I know it and now its all about planning for the end. It'll take some time as I need to make sure I have everything before telling her. Maybe when she gets back.

[USMCHokie]

You didn't find anything because a court cannot set guidelines for division of marital assets based on infidelity. Doesn't matter what state you are in. There simply are NO guidelines for this.

 

However you are correct about the awarding of spousal support sometimes being dependent on infidelity. Or if there is a prenup.

 

I do wish you were correct though. I don't think someone who was unfaithful should get Jack Schidt.

 

This is why I think marital infidelity should be treated as a criminal offense as it is in the UCMJ...

[Madman81]

This is why I think marital infidelity should be treated as a criminal offense as it is in the UCMJ...

I don't think it should be criminalized. But as somebody who's been on the receiving end, it's always bewildered me that it's about the worst thing you can do to somebody that DOESN'T carry any legal consequence of any kind. Even in matrimonial law in most parts of North America.

[USMCHokie]

I don't think it should be criminalized. But as somebody who's been on the receiving end, it's always bewildered me that it's about the worst thing you can do to somebody that DOESN'T carry any legal consequence of any kind. Even in matrimonial law in most parts of North America.

 

Well it should at least have civil liability attached to it. It's a simple breach of contract, isn't it...?

[PegNosePete]

The problem then is that you are into proof territory. How can you prove 100% that infidelity has taken place? Even if you find text messages and facebook chat and have recordings of phone calls, that does not PROVE that sex actually happened, it's all circumstantial. They could simply say it was meaningless banter and in fact they just played snakes and ladders all night in that seedy motel room. For PROOF you would need to have photographic evidence of the act, or a child with a DNA test.

 

The only other way of course is a confession but who would confess if it would mean going to prison?

[Madman81]

Well it should at least have civil liability attached to it. It's a simple breach of contract, isn't it...?

That's basically how I see it.

 

The problem then is that you are into proof territory. How can you prove 100% that infidelity has taken place? Even if you find text messages and facebook chat and have recordings of phone calls, that does not PROVE that sex actually happened, it's all circumstantial. They could simply say it was meaningless banter and in fact they just played snakes and ladders all night in that seedy motel room. For PROOF you would need to have photographic evidence of the act, or a child with a DNA test.

Proof would certainly be a challenge, but if we're just talking about being able to sue somebody civilly, the standard of proof would only be "on a balance of probabilities", rather than "beyond a reasonable doubt". That would make it easier to prove, though certainly not a slam dunk.

 

It would certainly be a boon for lawyers; the downside is that the courts would get even more clogged than they already are. Unfortunately neither the status quo nor the above are totally satisfactory...

[USMCHokie]

That's basically how I see it.

 

 

Proof would certainly be a challenge, but if we're just talking about being able to sue somebody civilly, the standard of proof would only be "on a balance of probabilities", rather than "beyond a reasonable doubt". That would make it easier to prove, though certainly not a slam dunk.

 

It would certainly be a boon for lawyers; the downside is that the courts would get even more clogged than they already are. Unfortunately neither the status quo nor the above are totally satisfactory...

 

Indeed...and if it is taken to a jury, you'd likely invoke the reasonable person standard...that is, could a person reasonably infer that infidelity had occurred...?

[nofool4u]

What gave you the impression that she "isn't fighting a divorce"?

 

Just a guess from this comment:

 

we are well prepared for the divorce and especially regarding the future of my child

 

I took it to mean the "we" included his wife, and she probably liked the idea so she doesn't have to sneak around to bone this other man any longer.

 

And the "especially regarding the future of my child" part, I figured it was a discussion he had with his wife about it.

[Trimmer]

I took it to mean the "we" included his wife, and she probably liked the idea so she doesn't have to sneak around to bone this other man any longer.

 

And the "especially regarding the future of my child" part, I figured it was a discussion he had with his wife about it.

I didn't come away with the same impression you did, but admittedly it was ambiguous.

 

OP, can you clarify - have you told your wife you are leaving the marriage? And if so, how has she responded?

[jnj express]

Hey Cal Boy---have your father file 2 lawsuits against her lover---one in your name, and one in your child's name---have your father use the tort INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS----

 

Her lover won't like that one bit, and in Calif., if that is where you are its gonna cost him at least $760.00 just to file an answer, on top of getting his own attorney, at $400 an hour.---if he doesn't answer w/in a month, of service, he defaults, and you then have a judgement agst him---make sure the 2 suits are at least for $25,000 each------your situation fits the elements of the tort---her lover won't be flying so high when he gets hit in the wallet---if he has no job, the judgement will still stay with him till he pays it off

 

As to your wife, do nothing beyond filing, and cutting her off financially, but I am sure your father knows what to do----but do file the lawsuits, it will wake her lover up, to the fact that he just can't go around destroying mge's, and wrecking a childs life for good---for now your child will have to live in split households, thanx to this POS, your wife has hooked up with.