semi-stalker

[zippyskippy]

In the middle of Summer, my mother introduced me to another guy, despite the fact of my boyfriend whom I am very much in love with. Anyways, this guy fell head over heals with me on the first time he saw me and started calling me and sending flowers. I firmly told him that I was in a serious relationship and that all I could offer was friendship. He said he understood, but still didn't give up! I told my boyfriend about it(we don't keep anything from each other and I thought he might be able to help me as to what to do), but he stormed into a jealous rage! I was finally able to console him, but it sure took a while.

 

Since then this guy has not given up (sent me more flowers, leaves messages on my answering machine telling me how beautifull I am, and sending poems to me; he even said "I can be very patient and persistant") and I haven't told my boyfriend in fear of him getting angry and afraid of loosing me, again. Much less him going and telling the guy off. Should I be honest with him and deal with his reaction?

 

I cannot tell this guy to just get out of my life, because I know from what he's told me, he really does need a friend (he doesn't have many) and I have been helping him through a deep depression. And I WANT to help him through because he has been so sweet to me. I have only seen him a few times and am not attracted to him in any way, though. We have talked on the phone. I try to avoid seeing him and try to avoid his calls.

 

How do I get it through his thick skull that all I can provide is friendship???

[Paulie]

It's not at all your duty to help this guy through his depression. Especially when he's taking advantage of you, because YOU'RE LETTING HIM. He knows damn well what he's doing. He's taking advantage of your sensitivity in order to get his foot in the door. That's pretty sleazy. But again, you're letting him. You need to tell him firmly to stop calling you, stop sending you flowers, etc., or else you will tell your boyfriend. If he does it one more time after that, tell your boyfriend, and I hope the guy gets the ass-whooping he deserves (alright, not really...but if he does it with nerf bats, it's OK.)

 

Your boyfriend is obviously seeing the same thing I'm seeing, because we're guys, and sometimes the lowest of us will do such things to move in on a girl and her relationship with her boyfriend.

 

Another REAL concern of yours is that should you not tell your boyfriend in the event that this sleazebag doesn't stop, your boyfriend may very well see, or find evidence of this going on, and misinterpret it as maybe giving you more of a role in the whole thing than you actually had. Better off taking charge of the whole thing, and END IT RIGHT HERE.

 

Give the guy a polite, but FIRM ultimatum, and STICK TO YOUR GUNS. This guy's the mud on the bottom of the river, and you're falling for his manipulative, sly, sleazy crap.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "How do I get it through his thick skull that all I can provide is friendship???"

 

You can't. Guys like this don't give up and don't get hints. You are going to have to terminate all contact with him.

 

You are not responsible for helping him through his depression. Moreover, he is using your sympathetic nature to gain your company. This guy wants you as a lot more than a friend and for you to be in his proximity is a grave disservice to both of you. His depression may even stem from the fact that someone else and not he has you for a girlfriend.

 

You are going to have to get tough. It doesn't seem like you are tough by nature but I have seen this sort of thing before. It doesn't make any difference how sweet he is to you, he will screw up your life for all time if you continue to give him hope by being around him or having any kind of communication with him at all.

 

First, tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not want any further contact with him. Tell him you wish him the best but it is not an honest friendship, you can never be anything to him, he wants more, that can't be, and bye bye. If he persists to send flowers, poems, etc., have an attorney write him a cease and desist letter. If he still persists, go to your county seat or courthouse and take out a restraining order barring him from contacting you or coming within 100 feet of you.

 

This is an aggravation you don't need in your life. You don't seem to understand that this guy is unbalanced and unrelenting. He will follow you all the days of your life because he is obsessed. You have a boyfriend you are dedicated to and that should be your focus.

 

If you can find some guys that are sane and want to be your friend, go for it. But this one now is a taco short of a combination platter and you need to delete him from your hard drive.

[Mitch]

I cannot tell this guy to just get out of my life, because I know from what he's told me, he really does need a friend (he doesn't have many) and I have been helping him through a deep depression. And I WANT to help him through because he has been so sweet to me.

Well.

 

Some might say he's working you like a used car salesman.

 

Like me.

 

Another manipulative jerk gets the girl.

 

Do your boyfriend a favor and dump HIM.

 

--------------------------

 

Yo Webmaster Guy?: How can I thread this message to the "why do women like jerks" question??

[Deejette]

As a woman who has had many stalkers, I can tell you, don't even try to offer friendship. Stalkers are sick people and it is not about you (flattering though it may seem). It is about them and their insane, controlling fantasies. They think they can wear us down by persistence. We are an idea to them, not real people.

 

Underneath this mad pursuit is their thought process that tells them that we don't really mean what you are saying (when we tell them to stop) and that if they storm the fort long enough, they will eventually break down our resistance.

 

This is not love, it is harrassment.

Well. Some might say he's working you like a used car salesman. Like me. Another manipulative jerk gets the girl.

 

Do your boyfriend a favor and dump HIM. -------------------------- Yo Webmaster Guy?: How can I thread this message to the "why do women like jerks" question??