abusive husband / nowhere to turn

[Happy Hippie Girl]

I'm just venting here, but any and all advice is appreciated and welcome.

 

I believe I am an abused spouse. Although my husband does not hit me, he damages my property, yells at me, and has got into a fight with my teenage son, who ended up breaking my husbands jaw and nose, it was a nightmare where now my in-laws perceive me as some jerk who raised an attack dog of a boy.

 

I'm also wondering about financial abuse: since this type of abuse is usually shrouded with emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, it is seldom discussed but I pay all the bills and do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and landscaping and he thinks that is OK because I work from home doing data entry and does not consider that to be a "real job".

 

We've been living hand-to-mouth due to his ego not accepting work and me having to support us. Our lease is up at the end of this month, and now we are facing homelessness because every apartment we apply to will not accept him due to the fact that he has no verifiable income and no tax returns. We've been married for nearly 4 years, we do not share property or children, and I really am thinking that I need to bail. Then again: would it be wrong to leave him at this vulnerable point in his life? Or is that the years of verbal abuse coming out when I say that?

 

Thanks for reading.

I needed to get that out. I cannot stop crying as I type this.

[pteromom]

Awww - I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

It definitely sounds like you are being abused. Obviously you can Google "signs of emotional abuse" and validate it, but one link that helped me is the list of Basic Needs in a Relationship.

 

Basic Needs In Relationships

 

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like.

 

• The need for good will from others
  
• The need for emotional support
  
• The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance
  
• The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view
  
• The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
  
• The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive
  
• The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you
  
• The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame
  
• The need to live free from criticism and judgment
  
• The need to have your work and your interests respected
  
• The need for encouragement
  
• The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat
  
• The need for freedom from angry outbursts and rage
  
• The need for freedom from labels which devalue you
  
• The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered
  
• The need to have your final decisions accepted
  
• The need for privacy at times

How do you think these needs are being met in your current relationship?

 

 

 

 

I really am thinking that I need to bail. Then again: would it be wrong to leave him at this vulnerable point in his life? Or is that the years of verbal abuse coming out when I say that?

 

You care about him, so of course you are concerned about what happens to him if you leave. But at some point you have to stand up and decide what you want in your life.

 

There is a third option outside of staying as is, or leaving. That is learning to change your part in the dynamic of the relationship. Learn about creating and enforcing boundaries, radical acceptance, and letting go of co-dependence.

 

However, you don't say how old your son is. If he's a 19 year old teenager who will be away from your abusive husband very soon, it may be worth it to try to change things in your marriage, but if he's a 13 year old teenager, you need to get out of the house NOW. Your son deserves more than this.

 

It all depends on how bad it is, what you want from your marriage, and what you are willing to accept. And only you can weigh that.

 

Start by reading "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship". It's a great book.

[Happy Hippie Girl]

thank you for the information, and you are right, I am having a bit of a pity party.

I've never posted on a forum in my life and am feeling very desperate.

 

There are millions of other dynamics to this story, of course, and I'm not so sure all of them are fixable. I'm not sure I'm willing to fix them. I understand that I should "stand by my man" during harsh economic times, but he has blown off work that is "beneath him" etc. and I get stuck holding the bag with bills. My son (his step son) just recently began college and I am seriously considering living in a hotel to get out of this situation and be able to financially assist my son as he embarks on an important time in his life.

 

It's all very....embarrassing.

[pteromom]

thank you for the information, and you are right, I am having a bit of a pity party.

I've never posted on a forum in my life and am feeling very desperate.

 

There are millions of other dynamics to this story, of course, and I'm not so sure all of them are fixable. I'm not sure I'm willing to fix them. I understand that I should "stand by my man" during harsh economic times, but he has blown off work that is "beneath him" etc. and I get stuck holding the bag with bills. My son (his step son) just recently began college and I am seriously considering living in a hotel to get out of this situation and be able to financially assist my son as he embarks on an important time in his life.

 

It's all very....embarrassing.

 

There is nothing embarrassing about taking care of yourself. You know your situation. Trust yourself and do what is the right thing for you.

 

Yes, you should "stand by your man". IF he is also standing by you. His lack of effort coupled with his cruel actions renders "Standing by your man" null and void.

[Garfish]

Sounds like you've probably "abused" him just as much as he "abused" you; maybe more since you sicked your boy on him. You two obviously don't communicate well. There are almost no modern marriages or long term relationships in which the woman doesn't abuse the man verbally; that's just normal in American society from what I can see. Well, maybe the Amish, I don't know.

 

I'd be more concerned about him not contributing his share to the household. Sounds like the two of you didn't have a solid plan on how to divide things up. You might try counseling but it doesn't sound good. I love how the definition of domestic abuse is now being changed from "he hit me" to "he raised his voice at me". And women wonder why men don't want to commit?

 

Anyways, tell him to take the first job he can find and then work from there. I don't understand why people would turn down work even if it IS less than they're used to.

[newmoon]

I'm just venting here, but any and all advice is appreciated and welcome.

 

I believe I am an abused spouse. Although my husband does not hit me, he damages my property, yells at me, and has got into a fight with my teenage son, who ended up breaking my husbands jaw and nose, it was a nightmare where now my in-laws perceive me as some jerk who raised an attack dog of a boy.

 

I'm also wondering about financial abuse: since this type of abuse is usually shrouded with emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, it is seldom discussed but I pay all the bills and do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and landscaping and he thinks that is OK because I work from home doing data entry and does not consider that to be a "real job".

 

We've been living hand-to-mouth due to his ego not accepting work and me having to support us. Our lease is up at the end of this month, and now we are facing homelessness because every apartment we apply to will not accept him due to the fact that he has no verifiable income and no tax returns. We've been married for nearly 4 years, we do not share property or children, and I really am thinking that I need to bail. Then again: would it be wrong to leave him at this vulnerable point in his life? Or is that the years of verbal abuse coming out when I say that?

 

Thanks for reading.

I needed to get that out. I cannot stop crying as I type this.

 

 

abuse comes in many forms, and is not always physical, but there is obviously that dynamic to this relationship since your son attacked your husband. since you do not have any vested interest in this man beyond just the marriage (no kids, no awesome financial future, etc.) then you're in a great position to get out if you want to. there are always two sides to every story, so perhaps his take is remarkably different, but you're entitled to be happy and your son is too, so make the right decision for yourself and your future. even if it seems difficult now, think of the eventual payoff. good luck.

[freestyle]

He's not doing his share to help row the boat, if you're paying all of the bills, and doing all the house & yard work as well.

 

Yelling at you is also unacceptable, it IS psychologically, & emotionally abusive.

 

Do you want to continue supporting someone who behaves that way towards you? 'Cuz it sounds like he's being a dead weight.........taking instead of giving.

 

In those circumstances, I wouldn't feel guilty about bailing out.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, I think it would be much better to give him some very clear messages about what is going on for you and the bills and responsibilities.

 

What does he do all day if you are doing the upkeep and working?

 

How long has this been going on for?

 

What happened in the incident with your son?

[denise_xo]

I'm just venting here, but any and all advice is appreciated and welcome.

 

I believe I am an abused spouse. Although my husband does not hit me, he damages my property, yells at me, and has got into a fight with my teenage son, who ended up breaking my husbands jaw and nose, it was a nightmare where now my in-laws perceive me as some jerk who raised an attack dog of a boy.

 

I'm also wondering about financial abuse: since this type of abuse is usually shrouded with emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, it is seldom discussed but I pay all the bills and do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and landscaping and he thinks that is OK because I work from home doing data entry and does not consider that to be a "real job".

 

We've been living hand-to-mouth due to his ego not accepting work and me having to support us. Our lease is up at the end of this month, and now we are facing homelessness because every apartment we apply to will not accept him due to the fact that he has no verifiable income and no tax returns. We've been married for nearly 4 years, we do not share property or children, and I really am thinking that I need to bail. Then again: would it be wrong to leave him at this vulnerable point in his life? Or is that the years of verbal abuse coming out when I say that?

 

Thanks for reading.

I needed to get that out. I cannot stop crying as I type this.

 

And you are with this man because...? I would be right out the door if I were you.

Edited August 16, 2012 by denise_xo

[amaysngrace]

Breaking things is domestic violence.

 

It doesn't make you a bad person for wanting to leave him. It sounds like he's been dependent on you for too long if you ask me. Maybe that's a part of the dynamics of the unhealthy marriage you are in. Maybe taking care of him is what makes you feel good about yourself because you've been knocked down in other aspects?

 

Ask yourself this...if HE takes care of him and YOU take care of him, then who takes care of YOU?

[learningalongtheway]

There is always a place to turn for advice and help in these situations. In the city where I live, there are caring people on a 24/7 helpline for abused women. They are there to listen and give advice and help if you decide to leave. It sounds like you are the one who will fair better than him if you leave. You are the one working, paying the bills, being responsible. He will realize the consequences of his actions when you are no longer enabling him to not be responsible. Your son is dependent upon you to protect him. You are his parent and are responsible for protecting him against anyone who would abuse him, whether it be physically, emotionally or mentally. Find the number in your phone book for the help line and call it.

[Happy Hippie Girl]

To answer the following questions, which I appreciate your being open minded enough to ask:

 

"What does he do all day if you are doing the upkeep and working?" he is either sleeping, looking for work, or online.

 

 

"How long has this been going on for?" We've been together for 13 years, the financial nightmare has been for the past 5 years.

 

"What happened in the incident with your son?" My son and husband got into a verbal altercation. The boy went upstairs and got in the shower to calm down and remove himself from the situation -- I was not at home, both parties have given me this same story -- while in the shower, my husband was seething and peeved and pushed the locked bathroom door down and confronted him (son) while he was nude, yelling, accusing, and telling him to "leave the house immediately".

And a note to the individual above who stated that I "sicked my kid on him" that is just not true. I'm not a saint, I've said some regretful things, probably abusive, but I recognize it and hope / try for it to not happen again.

I'm choosing to participate in this forum because I am very ashamed and want to be anonymous and please do not judge me or my situation, and again: thank you for reading this and allowing me to vent.

[denise_xo]

To answer the following questions, which I appreciate your being open minded enough to ask:

 

"What does he do all day if you are doing the upkeep and working?" he is either sleeping, looking for work, or online.

 

 

"How long has this been going on for?" We've been together for 13 years, the financial nightmare has been for the past 5 years.

 

"What happened in the incident with your son?" My son and husband got into a verbal altercation. The boy went upstairs and got in the shower to calm down and remove himself from the situation -- I was not at home, both parties have given me this same story -- while in the shower, my husband was seething and peeved and pushed the locked bathroom door down and confronted him (son) while he was nude, yelling, accusing, and telling him to "leave the house immediately".

And a note to the individual above who stated that I "sicked my kid on him" that is just not true. I'm not a saint, I've said some regretful things, probably abusive, but I recognize it and hope / try for it to not happen again.

I'm choosing to participate in this forum because I am very ashamed and want to be anonymous and please do not judge me or my situation, and again: thank you for reading this and allowing me to vent.

 

I'm going to repeat my question (which was genuine): why are you with him?

[CC12]

Sounds like you've probably "abused" him just as much as he "abused" you; maybe more since you sicked your boy on him. You two obviously don't communicate well. There are almost no modern marriages or long term relationships in which the woman doesn't abuse the man verbally; that's just normal in American society from what I can see. Well, maybe the Amish, I don't know.

 

I'd be more concerned about him not contributing his share to the household. Sounds like the two of you didn't have a solid plan on how to divide things up. You might try counseling but it doesn't sound good. I love how the definition of domestic abuse is now being changed from "he hit me" to "he raised his voice at me". And women wonder why men don't want to commit?

 

Anyways, tell him to take the first job he can find and then work from there. I don't understand why people would turn down work even if it IS less than they're used to.

 

Are you trying to be funny, Garfish?

 

 

For the OP, no, you are not wrong to leave him at this "vulnerable" point in his life. He doesn't sound very vulnerable to me. The only vulnerability I see is that he might end up homeless when his wife decides she's tired of supporting a man who yells at her, damages her property, and gets aggressive with her son. And that is a situation of his own making. You do not owe him your sympathy.

 

You're going to be moving out of that apartment at the end of the month anyway, so why not move somewhere without him? Now is the perfect time to start planning your separation. Do not get yourself stuck on a lease with him. Wherever you go, even if it's a hotel for a few days/weeks, go there without him. And it's probably best if he doesn't know where you went.

 

Start filling out applications for apartments and don't include him on them. Hopefully you'll easily be approved for one since you won't have this deadweight on the lease. A tip for you, just in case: If you have spotty credit or income, it's easier to get approved for an apartment owned by a mom-and-pop type of property, instead of the big property management companies who do more thorough credit/rental history/background checks.

 

Don't worry about where your husband will live. It's not that he can't get a job, he just hasn't needed to since he's had you to support his lifestyle. And maybe some of his family members (who have labeled you a jerk because your son fought back against him) will take him in. They seem super supportive so it shouldn't be a problem, eh?

 

You don't seem happy, Happy Hippie Girl. Do whatever it takes to find happiness, or at the very least, to live without someone yelling at you and intimidating your son.

[freestyle]

Also, Happy Hippie Girl---please be aware that there is a contingent of woman bashers here who will automatically find fault with a post written by a woman , complaining about a man---so take what's useful to you, and leave the rest......

 

Having a fuller picture of what happened, I don't think your son was at fault, it sounds like he acted in self-defense--your H breaking down the door is WAY out of line, and came across as a threat.

 

I'm joining the chorus---please don't get sucked into feeling sorry for this guy.

 

He's very likely to pull out the emotional blackmail card, and try to manipulate you into feeling sorry for poor him---that's what abusers do when they realize you're getting wiser. It's an act, designed to suck you back in. He might play real nice for a couple of weeks, or a few months, and then he loses his cool again, and you're right back where you started from---except you've been beat down even more.

 

Please read of on the Cycle of Abuse, and Stockholm Syndrome as it applies to domestic violence......

[Happy Hippie Girl]

Again: thank you for the sage advice. (sans one former rude comment)

I am seeing a therapist early next week for some more of the same type of guidance, and I am viewing about 10 properties ALONE today and tomorrow.

Thanks again for making me realize that tough times don't last, tough people do! And I called myself "happy hippie girl" because usually, that is exactly what I am! Back to ME! I realized all of this (meaning: positive advice and encouragement) on some level anyway, and it was nice to be validated by absolutely objective people,well, for the most part...thanks again...have a stellar weekend.

I do appreciate you.

[freestyle]

If you don't mind me recommending some reading--

 

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans could be helpful to you.

 

Wish you my best--I'd like to think that you'll remain being a Happy Hippie...

[SouthernDamsel]

HHG,

 

I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist soon. An abuse hotline may also be able to give you some valuable information. And yes, you and your son have been abused. You do not owe the abuser anything. Do not feel guilt over what happens to him. You need to do what is best for you and your child.

 

Best wishes, dear.

[Greznog]

Again: thank you for the sage advice. (sans one former rude comment)

I am seeing a therapist early next week for some more of the same type of guidance, and I am viewing about 10 properties ALONE today and tomorrow.

Thanks again for making me realize that tough times don't last, tough people do! And I called myself "happy hippie girl" because usually, that is exactly what I am! Back to ME! I realized all of this (meaning: positive advice and encouragement) on some level anyway, and it was nice to be validated by absolutely objective people,well, for the most part...thanks again...have a stellar weekend.

I do appreciate you.

 

Rude, painfully accurate. Depends on how honest one is with themselves.