jocy_20 Posted August 16, 2012 Share Posted August 16, 2012 I just wanted to know, when is the right time to marry. I've seen some the forums on here about getting engaged and how long the engagements lasted and even some people waiting on a proposal. Honestly, I think that if you can move in together, have unprotected sex..you should know if you want to marry that person right? My bf and I have a 5 year age gap,(he's older.) We've discussed marriage, I wanted to because we're about to celebrate our year anniversay in a few months. I wanted to know where his head was, far as our relationship. Somethings he said kind of sound, weird. He told me that he wants to get married but not right now. I said why not? Then he told me when the time is right, you will know. In my mind I was afraid, all of these scary images went through my mind. I was thinking..what if he is stalling but it can't be that, maybe he is waiting for the right time, since we both work and are planning on moving in together. For the past few weeks, we've talked about babies. He wants to be a father, he said he's ready. I asked, how soon, he said right now. I said a few months ago that if I get pregnant, I want to be married before the baby is born and he said yes with excitement..like that's an excuse to marry me soon, other than how he feel about me etc. I think that it's so weird, not bad but weird because I'm off BC and he have been wanting to have unprotected sex. Yesterday, he asked if I was ready to be a mom and I said of course, you know how much I want a family. What does that mean? I think he just want to marry but the baby be an excuse to marry? But he told me he want to marry me but it looks as if a baby will come then marriage. It looks contradicting because I feel like, if I have a baby soon, the sooner we'll marry..he's thinking that too. I need some advice. Link to post Share on other sites
justpassingthrough Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 Why would you commit to making a baby with a man who won't commit to you? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 I'd say when you're 65. that way you haven't wasted your entire life on one individual that obviously doesn't want to be there in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 I think you have valid questions you are asking and need to get the answers from him. Everyone is different but I would deep dive why he is more comfortable committing to a baby together and not marriage. See what he says. Maybe some couples counseling as well to help get your guys on the same page and open and honest with how you feel, what you want, and any fears. I do not believe you need marriage to have kids but I would want to know why my partner didn't want it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 I'd say when you're 65. that way you haven't wasted your entire life on one individual that obviously doesn't want to be there in the first place. I'll trump you with 71 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 I'll raise your seventy one and call on 80... I used to work in a retirement home..... who says old people go off sex.....? Sheeeeesh! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 Marriage first, then baby. Having a baby is a lifelong commitment. They will be in your life for the rest of your life. You will be responsible for raising them for the next 18 years. This is a long-term commitment. If your bf doesn't have the guts to commit to you, they how can he make that long-term commitment for children? Insist on marriage first, and have protected sex until then. Preferably hold off on having children until you've been married at least a year so you have time to adjust to married life together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 Exactly! If you're not willing to marry someone, you definitely shouldn't have a baby together. A baby will tie you together much longer than marriage and is a forever lifelong commitment. It's very important that you're having a child with the right person. My H and I got engaged after a year and were together 2 years by the time we married, so I wouldn't rush it if I were you. IMO you've only been together a year and I think you should take your time before rushing into babies before you know if he really wants to commit to marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 I slightly differ on this as marriage is not something all countries are seeing as the prevalent set up. Many European countries have many/most of their young people in a common law situation. I do not agree that you have to marry before the child but I would look into why the lack of desire for marriage and/or before a child. As the mother, it does better protect your financial best interest especially if you are not the bread winner. Learning the whys to his thought process is the best way to get to know your guy and how he ticks. My advice, keep dating for another year or so before moving in together, getting married, or having kids. Get to know each other better, let the honeymoon stage pass, and see if you are compatible on key issues, have good conflict resolution skills, and still respect and like each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 I know you said you were 'very mature and ready' to have a baby despite being 20, in your other thread. But now you say you aren't married, and you've only been together for less than a year??? Hon, the very fact that you think you are 'ready' to have a baby with this man in these circumstances is very indicative that you are anything but. I'm sorry, but it really is. I don't say this to hurt you - I'm saying this to help you. Please rethink the baby and marriage issue. You're 20 and you've been with this guy for all of 9? months. There is no need to rush; there will be plenty of time for marriage and babies. If this guy is all you think he is, he will still be there when you are 25, or 30. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 You are 20? DO NOT have a baby now. Spend part of your 20s having selfish fun. Get to know yourself. Wait at least a few years before even considering having a baby! And - do not have a baby with a guy who isn't ready to marry you. The last thing you want is having to juggle child support and custody with your baby daddy, and watch him have fun and date other women while you are home with spit up all over you trying to be a mom. Don't think it can't happen to you. Be smart! You've dated for a year, so I would give it another year before giving him an ultimatum as far as marriage goes. There's no reason to rush things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 You've dated for a year, so I would give it another year before giving him an ultimatum as far as marriage goes. I agree with the jist of your post, but I would personally give it way more than that. Marrying after just 2 years sounds reasonable if both parties are in their 30s or at least late 20s, with life and relationship experience under their belt and knowing what they want out of a partner and themselves. Marrying at 21 can possibly work, but it's very risky. Most people change tremendously in their early to mid twenties. I know I did. I thought I'd spend my life with the guy I was with then (and we'd been together for 2 years, too!), but I'm horrified at the prospect of it now, a mere 5 years later. Thank heavens we did not make any babies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 I just wanted to know, when is the right time to marry. I've seen some the forums on here about getting engaged and how long the engagements lasted and even some people waiting on a proposal. Honestly, I think that if you can move in together, have unprotected sex..you should know if you want to marry that person right? It depends for a lot of ppl. How long have the two of you been together ? My bf and I have a 5 year age gap,(he's older.) We've discussed marriage, I wanted to because we're about to celebrate our year anniversay in a few months. Ah, here it is ... together for 1yr. For me it's something like ... 1-2months for the 'is this a relationship talkl', 8-9months move in together, propose at around 2yrs, get married at a bit over 3. Obviously, these are just guidelines for me, not set in stone as much, but those are my general comfort zones. I wanted to know where his head was, far as our relationship. Somethings he said kind of sound, weird. He told me that he wants to get married but not right now. I said why not? Then he told me when the time is right, you will know. In my mind I was afraid, all of these scary images went through my mind. What kind of scary images ? I'd say he is entertaining the ideea, and flapping his mouth off. In the process getting your hopes up ... kinda putting the carriage before the horses if you know what i mean. I was thinking..what if he is stalling but it can't be that, maybe he is waiting for the right time, since we both work and are planning on moving in together. For the past few weeks, we've talked about babies. He wants to be a father, he said he's ready. I asked, how soon, he said right now. I said a few months ago that if I get pregnant, I want to be married before the baby is born and he said yes with excitement..like that's an excuse to marry me soon, other than how he feel about me etc. If the relationship is good and the girl gets pregnant by accident, the guy should marry her. Nobody should get married for getting a baby. I think that it's so weird, not bad but weird because I'm off BC and he have been wanting to have unprotected sex. Yesterday, he asked if I was ready to be a mom and I said of course, you know how much I want a family. What does that mean? I think he just want to marry but the baby be an excuse to marry? One can be a mom without getting married. It's not a good place to be, it's a very lousy place to be. But he told me he want to marry me but it looks as if a baby will come then marriage. It looks contradicting because I feel like, if I have a baby soon, the sooner we'll marry..he's thinking that too. I need some advice. A bit messed up. ---- I'm gonna go out and write something now, and i hope you won't get mad. Did you grow up with your father around ? Was he married to your mother ? Was he in your life ? Because i don't think this is what happened. Here is what i think about your guy. I think he just started getting hit by the biological clock. It happens at around that age, it happened to me too [guy]. I think he is also turned on by the ideea of having sex with you, unprotected. It adds an element of danger, a high probability that she will get pregnant, it's not the same ... trust me on this. I don't know if this guy is good or bad for you, i can't get a birds-eye-view of your relationship. But what i do know is that a 20yr old which is in a relationship of just 1yr should not try to get pregnant with her bf. I have a sister, i would not find this acceptable. I have female cousins, i would tell them the same. A baby does not raise itself, it is a lifetime commitement, and he can damn well make a lifetime commitement to you to be there. It's not just financial help either with it. You will need help raising it. And he will need to play a role in it's life. Girls who have fathers in their lives [good ones] do better in life, know what to look for in a man. Guys know what kind of a man to be, they both do not fall into the trap of faux masculinity. You ever hear of those girls who are just barely legal and are constantly after 40yr olds ? They want a daddy, they need a daddy in their lives, the ones they never had. Do you want this to be your future daughter ? You are not just screening for a guy to help you get preggers, any guy can do that to you, you are also screening for someone who will stay around, who will make a commitement and who will be a good rolemodel. Why don't you talk to the older ladies of LS, the ones who are in your position right now, or who are older and saw what good it did to them to have a father in their early childhood. Pls be honest with the questions i asked you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 I know you said you were 'very mature and ready' to have a baby despite being 20, in your other thread. But now you say you aren't married, and you've only been together for less than a year??? Hon, the very fact that you think you are 'ready' to have a baby with this man in these circumstances is very indicative that you are anything but. I'm sorry, but it really is. I don't say this to hurt you - I'm saying this to help you. Please rethink the baby and marriage issue. You're 20 and you've been with this guy for all of 9? months. There is no need to rush; there will be plenty of time for marriage and babies. If this guy is all you think he is, he will still be there when you are 25, or 30. I was going to ask how old the OP was. Wow, only 20? My mom thought she was mature and ready enough at 19 and 23...she was far from ready. Please do not have a baby now, give it another few years at least. I realize he is 5 years older, but most 20 year olds are not ready for children. I am 23 and still plan to wait another 4-5 years. You have plenty of time, slow down and enjoy your life first, because once you have a baby there is no going back. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 Ah, here it is ... together for 1yr. For me it's something like ... 1-2months for the 'is this a relationship talkl', 8-9months move in together, propose at around 2yrs, get married at a bit over 3. Obviously, these are just guidelines for me, not set in stone as much, but those are my general comfort zones. I agree with this. We moved in together after slightly more than a year, got engaged, married after 2 years. I got married at 19, my husband is 6 years older and sometimes think it may have been better if I had waited. I have matured much in the past 4 years. BUT, I did not have a baby right away. 23 now and still plan to be child-free for another several years. Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 My belief -depending on the ages of both people involved - is that if it takes much more than 3 years to get engaged, it's a done deal. In my case, I stuck it out for almost 4, but I was not going to pass our four-year anniversary without being engaged. All other things in our life were established and it had gotten to the point where we either needed to move forward or we needed to break up and go our separate ways. I would recommend much longer for younger people. At your age, I'd say you still have another 2 - 3 years before you should bother much with getting engaged. A year is a good time to start asking about marriage and children. But his answers are worrying. What does he want - you, or the baby? If he doesn't really want a baby WITH you, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if he moves onto someone he's very into, both as a romantic partner and as a mother - and you will be in the dust. Rather than shrugging your shoulders and conceding to what he wants - now's the time to start asking questions. Why is he okay with a baby but not getting married? Is he uncertain about the relationship? Does he realize what it's like to care for a child (does he baby-sit, have younger relatives)? What about supporting one? How is the income front between the two of you? I'm not going to be a snarky jerk (like some other posters have been to you). But I do want to implore you to start thinking seriously, even selfishly, about your future. I don't want you to be a single mom statistic who is struggling to make ends meet forevermore after a guy runs off on her. No, not all men who get married stay faithful and supportive of their kids - but it sure does improve your odds, as well as the odds of any future kids you may have, if he can commit to making a family with you. I think you should tell him in no uncertain terms will you bring a child into the world without being married first. I also think it's important to start investing yourself into other aspects of your life: career, school, hobbies, training programs, etc. But ultimately you must think this through. If in another 6 months or year he's still lukewarm to the idea of marrying, but ready to make a baby right now, I think you need to be very warm to the idea of moving on - without him or any child of his. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 ....Where's the OP....? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 I'll raise your seventy one and call on 80... I used to work in a retirement home..... who says old people go off sex.....? Sheeeeesh! This is an image I could have gone my entire life without picturing... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 Your parents did it too, you know... more than once... Chances are though, if your parents didn't have children, neither will you.... Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 Your parents did it too, you know... more than once... Chances are though, if your parents didn't have children, neither will you.... Hahaha..it actually took me a second to figure that out! How sad is that? Actually, my mom was artificially inseminated..so my parents didn't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 What.... not even for fun....? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 My mom never met my father..I don't even know his name, and he doesn't know I exist. She went to a sperm bank. She was a single parent. So nope..they never even had sex just for fun. Link to post Share on other sites
episkopos Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Don't marry someone who is afraid of commitment. He wants to have unprotected sex with you to have a baby - you are the one who will carry and care for this baby. Will it not interfere with your work or school? I agree with pteromom on not marrying at 20. You may be mature and ready but you will miss out on most of your free days and the opportunity to meet and enjoy the company of other people - most of them you'll find to be better (in many ways) than your bf as soon as you marry. Get to know him better. Take your time. there is no rush at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jocy_20 Posted August 27, 2012 Author Share Posted August 27, 2012 This is for everyone, I couldn't quote everything lol. Since I've posted this, me and my bf discussed about children and marriage. He said he didn't mean any harm by it, he seriously said that he wouldn't mind doing it all at once, since I told him a while back that I wanted a child and to be married. Anyway, I'm seriously reconsidering the baby thing and we are focusing on marriage right now. And a home to move into. If I haven't said that already that we are moving in together soon. We've been looking for a place almost a month now. I really appreciate the advice and comments, more will still be appreciated! ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Get the ring on your finger before you have the baby..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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