Learnt my Ex OM is ill, I'm gutted

[Dog Woman]

'm posting on here because I can't discuss or offload this to anyone else.

 

It’s been 7 weeks of no contact with my ex-OM and I have been okay until last weekend. I bumped into him on a walk with the dog at a place I wasn’t expecting to see him. He eventually told me he has some not so good news – he has been diagnosed with an enlarged lymph node and is being fast tracked to hospital. I know he was having lots of problems with his back and shoulder whilst I was seeing him and originally the doctors thought he had trapped a nerve in his shoulder. There has been no improvement so they have investigated further and scans have revealed an enlarged lymph node. Since the weekend, I have been asking myself, do I want to resume contact with him again, just purely as a friend. If the lump does turn out to be sinister then he’s not going to have time for anything else and he has indicated he’s got to put his health first. Yesterday, he talked and I mainly listened – he was worried about what may lie ahead for him – his job, finances etc. One of the reasons my marriage failed was because of my husband’s illness and I am also asking myself do I really want to go down that road again and get involved with someone who might be seriously ill.

 

I have left the communication channel open if he wants to get in touch if he wants someone to talk to but have made it clear I expect nothing else from him and I’m not offering anything else other than a friendly ear should he need it but I am starting to regret the offer of a sympathetic ear. If I know him, he'll deal with things himself and probably won't bother me. Part of me is hoping he doesn't take me up on my offer but part of me wants to know if he is going to be okay or not.

 

He texted me on Monday to say he had been summoned by his doctor to attend the doctors surgery immediately. I'm absolutely gutted for him that he's having to deal with what could be a potentially serious and life threatening illness if they diagnose cancer.

[UpwardForward]

If it is cancer - or life threatening, you will have time and opportunity to be there for him before he goes, so don't fret too much about it now.

 

Regardless your existing situation and NC, I think you'll feel better with communication should anything happen.

[Dog Woman]

If it is cancer - or life threatening, you will have time and opportunity to be there for him before he goes, so don't fret too much about it now.

 

Regardless your existing situation and NC, I think you'll feel better with communication should anything happen.

 

Thank you. My gut instinct tells me to keep the communication channel open. I'm just in shock at his news. He's only 41. From my last conversation with him, I don't think things have really hit home with him and he's in shock too. I know just to leave him to deal with things in his own time - he doesn't like anyone making a fuss. He keeps his private very private and doesn't open up to anyone very often. The fact he does with me is an honour.

[UpwardForward]

Yes 41 is terribly young.

 

I don't know enough about lumps or tumors, but it's good you kept communication left open.

[Dog Woman]

The unknown is very scary. I wish the best for him...41 is very young. I'd have kept the communication open too, but I'd make sure to try and build a support system in case you need it for yourself too. Watching someone you love navigate severe illness can be challenging.

 

Thanks, I have started to put in place support for myself and this forum is also brilliant. I just can't walk away from him. I feel I have to be there for him even if I am just in the background. He's contacted me today, which I am pleased about. He didn't sound too bad but he said he felt awful. He's trying to soldier on get on with day to day life. He has dogs and they are keeping him focused and he hasnt lost his sense of humour yet. I do love him though I have never told him in so many words but he does know I care a great deal about him.

Edited August 16, 2012 by Dog Woman

[whichwayisup]

So who's married? You or him?

[Dog Woman]

So who's married? You or him?

 

We both are, except I'm now separated from my husband the my ex OM is still living with his wife, which is why I'm offering support from a distance in the form of a listening ear.

[dreamingoftigers]

We both are, except I'm now separated from my husband the my ex OM is still living with his wife, which is why I'm offering support from a distance in the form of a listening ear.

 

No, you aren't "offering support" you are disrupting (again) a marriage.

 

Support is what he has a wife for.

[Furious]

We both are, except I'm now separated from my husband the my ex OM is still living with his wife, which is why I'm offering support from a distance in the form of a listening ear.

 

I guess if he gets surgery or if he has to go through chemotherapy his wife will be the one up at night caring for him, holding his head as his vomits and wiping his face with a cool cloth. Perhaps if his wife knew you were offering him support in the form of a listening ear she might just let you be the one to clean up his vomit and hold the bed pan steady for when his needs to take a shat.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess if he gets surgery or if he has to go through chemotherapy his wife will be the one up at night caring for him, holding his head as his vomits and wiping his face with a cool cloth. Perhaps if his wife knew you were offering him support in the form of a listening ear she might just let you be the one to clean up his vomit and hold the bed pan steady for when his needs to take a shat.

 

No kidding!

 

How do people get to their 40s with no sense of marital or relational boundaries?

 

How does that happen?

[Dog Woman]

No, you aren't "offering support" you are disrupting (again) a marriage.

 

Support is what he has a wife for.

 

Yes he has a wife and I am sure she and his family will be giving him support they can. He is a very popular person with an army of contacts and friends. I don't know whether is illness is common knowledge yet; it is up to him to decide when and who he wishes to know. I'm just one of those contacts and friends. Like I said above, I've kept the communication line open should he wish to contact me, but it is up to him. He talks to me because I am one of the very few he trusts not to go gossiping.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes he has a wife and I am sure she and his family will be giving him support they can. He is a very popular person with an army of contacts and friends. I don't know whether is illness is common knowledge yet; it is up to him to decide when and who he wishes to know. I'm just one of those contacts and friends. Like I said above, I've kept the communication line open should he wish to contact me, but it is up to him. He talks to me because I am one of the very few he trusts not to go gossiping.

 

You are not a friend to his marriage.

 

If he is still in his marriage and living with his w, then you should be respecting that, even if HE isn't.

 

That would be what a true FRIEND does. A true FRIEND respects their friend's marriage.

 

Even if that means going NC if and until he gets a divorce.

 

By being the former-OW, you can't be his friend at the same time as being a friend to his marriage, so in other words: you can't be a true friend to him while remaining in contact. Does not compute.

 

The truest, most supportive thing you can do is not help him futher risk his marriage at a time when his health is already in jeopardy.

 

Leave it shut. As a friend, you go NC permanently to respect his decision to remain in the m.

 

Sorry to hear of your pain. There are healthier ways to deal with it. If he was meant to be a continuing part of your life in ANY way, he would not have his wife there.

 

The

[Dog Woman]

It's not up to her to be a friend to his marriage. She is a friend to him.

A true friend is respectful of what their friend wants.

 

I respect he has a wife that he probably discusses more things with her than me. I told him that his wife and family should be his first port of for support. This won't be easy for his wife either and I can relate to that having lived with someone for 10 years who didnt have the best of health. As a friend to him I can't ignore the fact he is ill. He knows he has my 100% moral support on the end of a phone or the text and I think it is important for him to know that the more support he gets from whatever source, it will help him to cope with his illness but I respect he'll deal with things in his own way and if he wants to contact me he will, if he doesn't want to me to know anything, then I respect that wish too. He told me at the weekend he was ill, he could have simply not mentioned it but he must have had his reasons for doing so.

Edited August 16, 2012 by Dog Woman

[William]

Thread starter, I'm leaving up posts I infracted for due to their deletion disjointing the continuity of the thread. Let's hope you get some support and understanding and civil conversation during this difficult time.

[whichwayisup]

We both are, except I'm now separated from my husband the my ex OM is still living with his wife, which is why I'm offering support from a distance in the form of a listening ear.

 

I just hope you don't get too sucked in and attached. Also, he is going to be very vunerable and emotional.. Please be careful of his emotions/feelings.. And be aware of his wife's too, children etc. Not too sure if it's a good idea for you to 'be there' for him, even from a distance, for him to rely on you. That's his wife's job and it's unfair to her for him to lean on you for support and not his own wife. Things to just think about.. Imagine if the situation was reversed and it was your H with cancer, dying..You wouldn't like it if you found out he was back with his exOW/exMW taking time away from you and the family/kids..Or finding out after the fact that he was back in touch with his exOW after he passed.

 

As for your feelings, this might be too much to handle, getting attached not being able to see him or talk to him as much as you want to. Last thing you need to deal with all over again is being hurt and possibly a Dday during this time.

[whichwayisup]

I respect he has a wife that he probably discusses more things with her than me. I told him that his wife and family should be his first port of for support. This won't be easy for his wife either and I can relate to that having lived with someone for 10 years who didnt have the best of health. As a friend to him I can't ignore the fact he is ill. He knows he has my 100% moral support on the end of a phone or the text and I think it is important for him to know that the more support he gets from whatever source, it will help him to cope with his illness but I respect he'll deal with things in his own way and if he wants to contact me he will, if he doesn't want to me to know anything, then I respect that wish too. He told me at the weekend he was ill, he could have simply not mentioned it but he must have had his reasons for doing so.

 

Okay, I've read the rest of your thread, seems like you have things under control and are aware of what I already mentioned, so that's good.

 

I hope he doesn't suffer badly..Cancer is an awful disease!

[Silly_Girl]

No kidding!

 

How do people get to their 40s with no sense of marital or relational boundaries?

 

How does that happen?

 

No offence intended but I think it's unfair of you to judge DW on relationship boundaries.

 

Secondly, whether you/anyone can accept it or not if someone you care about is genuinely sick it's natural you'd be thinking of ways you might be able to support them, regardless of whether others deem it appropriate or not.

[Dog Woman]

I just hope you don't get too sucked in and attached. Also, he is going to be very vunerable and emotional.. Please be careful of his emotions/feelings.. And be aware of his wife's too, children etc. Not too sure if it's a good idea for you to 'be there' for him, even from a distance, for him to rely on you. That's his wife's job and it's unfair to her for him to lean on you for support and not his own wife. Things to just think about.. Imagine if the situation was reversed and it was your H with cancer, dying..You wouldn't like it if you found out he was back with his exOW/exMW taking time away from you and the family/kids..Or finding out after the fact that he was back in touch with his exOW after he passed.

 

As for your feelings, this might be too much to handle, getting attached not being able to see him or talk to him as much as you want to. Last thing you need to deal with all over again is being hurt and possibly a Dday during this time.

 

I don't think he would lean on me to be honest. One of the last things he said to me at the weekend was "affairs are nothing to be proud of". I have accepted my relationship with him has changed, I just can't ignore the fact he is ill and he knows and I know that I'm being realistic about my relationship with him and that he looks on me as a friend he can talk to and share his passion for dogs.

 

I have met his wife and she comes across as a very strong person and I am sure she will give him every support he needs but she is not a supporter of his hobby of breeding, showing and judging dogs. He was going to give up his dogs and I have advised him not to as they would be good therapy for him and give him something to focus on. I wish I hadn't had an affair with him as it now makes it awkward for me to be able to offer his wife and him help with the dogs if they need it. I know he has indicated to his wife in the past that I would be someone who he would ask to show his dogs for him.

Edited August 17, 2012 by Dog Woman

[woinlove]

I don't think he would lean on me to be honest. One of the last things he said to me at the weekend was "affairs are nothing to be proud of". I have accepted my relationship with him has changed, I just can't ignore the fact he is ill and he knows and I know that I'm being realistic about my relationship with him and that he looks on me as a friend he can talk to and share his passion for dogs.

 

I have met his wife and she comes across as a very strong person and I am sure she will give him every support he needs but she is not a supporter of his hobby of breeding, showing and judging dogs. He was going to give up his dogs and I have advised him not to as they would be good therapy for him and give him something to focus on. I wish I hadn't had an affair with him as it now makes it awkward for me to be able to offer his wife and him help with the dogs if they need it. I know he has indicated to his wife in the past that I would be someone who he would ask to show his dogs for him.

 

I would try not to get involved with him and his W at this time, in case his wife notices anything suspicious in how you interact. While I usually advocate for honesty, his health may not be able to handle a d-day right now, and his W likely would not be able to offer him the level of support she can now. While hobbies can be a important support, when I have cared for very ill friends and family, the very most important thing was close family and friends. Also if he has any guilt about the A, interacting with you may bring up complex emotions for him which he is not in the best shape to deal with. It is good that his W is strong, so perhaps the best you can do right now is try to have faith that she will help him through this and be none the wiser right now. Sometimes the kindest thing one can do is to let go, as difficult as that may be. I do hope you have your own support in place. Personally, I think each of you with your own separate support systems is best right now.

[Dog Woman]

I would try not to get involved with him and his W at this time, in case his wife notices anything suspicious in how you interact. While I usually advocate for honesty, his health may not be able to handle a d-day right now, and his W likely would not be able to offer him the level of support she can now. While hobbies can be a important support, when I have cared for very ill friends and family, the very most important thing was close family and friends. Also if he has any guilt about the A, interacting with you may bring up complex emotions for him which he is not in the best shape to deal with. It is good that his W is strong, so perhaps the best you can do right now is try to have faith that she will help him through this and be none the wiser right now. Sometimes the kindest thing one can do is to let go, as difficult as that may be. I do hope you have your own support in place. Personally, I think each of you with your own separate support systems is best right now.

 

I think d-day happened at the weekend. Another of the last things he said at the weekend was "I don't know when or if I'll see you again. I don't know how long I have got". I know I have to keep my distance, he has enough on his plate. He's very sensible and level headed. He's family network is his wife and his sister that he is close to. I think he knows more about his illness that he has let on to me. I suspect he has already been given a diagnosis and prognosis. He has my mobile telephone number if he wants to get in touch and I have left it at that.

Edited August 17, 2012 by Dog Woman

[Dog Woman]

Ex OM has just contacted me and simply told me he now has all his hospital appointments. Whether this is for cancer or not I don't know and to be honest I am not going to ask. He was being light hearted in his text so any communication with him I am going use the same tone but be sensitive. I don't expect to hear from him again but if he does want to get in touch he has my mobile number.

[Dog Woman]

Ex OM has texted me again this afternoon with a one liner to say he's starting to look for another job. I responded asking why and what has happened. I'm waiting to see if he will enlighten me further and have asked him to get in touch if he does want to tell me more. His job does seem to cause him lots of stress from what hes told me in the past so may be this is why he thinking of getting out but I did advise him not to do anything hasty and to think about his current health situation. It might not be easy finding another job whilst he's ill and getting hospital treatment. I said although I don't know how ill he is or what his hospital appointments will entail but it might be better staying with his current employer until he gets better. His contact today indicates he still wants to stay in touch even if it is just to let of steam. That's okay by me - I can handle that. No doubt he'll have discussed things in more detail with his wife.

[whichwayisup]

Ex OM has texted me again this afternoon with a one liner to say he's starting to look for another job. I responded asking why and what has happened. I'm waiting to see if he will enlighten me further and have asked him to get in touch if he does want to tell me more. His job does seem to cause him lots of stress from what hes told me in the past so may be this is why he thinking of getting out but I did advise him not to do anything hasty and to think about his current health situation. It might not be easy finding another job whilst he's ill and getting hospital treatment. I said although I don't know how ill he is or what his hospital appointments will entail but it might be better staying with his current employer until he gets better. His contact today indicates he still wants to stay in touch even if it is just to let of steam. That's okay by me - I can handle that. No doubt he'll have discussed things in more detail with his wife.

 

I hate to bring this up but just reading your last two posts - Is it possible that he's enjoying relaying these small tidbits about his illness? To send you one liners and keep you up to date..Yet there is no real/true friendship, it's just so YOU know what is going on with him, on his terms..Doesn't that sit weird with you? I'm not sure how to word it (sorry, just woke up from a surprise doze-off which turned into a 2 1/2 sleep! , so my mind isn't fully awake yet) This is one sided and there's not much you can do for him. he has tons of support between his wife, his family, siblings.. No offense to you but it is odd that he would do this on the downlow. You know him, we don't, but on some level is it a little game to him? HIm knowing that you love him and are worrying about him (would've been better for you NOT to know since you two aren't friends and you've been in NC mode for so long) is a bit of an ego stroke..

 

Even more so, hate to bring this up but is it possible he's lying to you? I only say this because there was another OW on here a long time ago who's MM LIED to her and disappeared, she heard he had 'died'. But none of that was true.. (imstunned is her username, if you want to do a site search on her name, her situation/story will come up).

 

i hope you're not offended by me bringing this up. I am concerned about how attached/worried you are going to get as time goes on, especially if you text him and it takes him ages to get back to you..It keeps YOU hanging. Make sense?

[Emme]

What you can do is pray for him. That is where your support should be, nothing else. If you feel the need to know that he is better and he contacts you with that final information, that's ok. That is the extent of the phone call. Don't add his health to a already complicated situation. You'll find yourself in quick sand. Already you are reading into his actions as to why he did what he did, telling you. Don't read into it. There is nothing wrong with caring it's great that you do but you still have to detach yourself.

[William]

This thread is on my watch list. Post accordingly. Thread starter, a number of posts have been deleted since my last statement. Carry on.