guest Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I accidentally found out (and have proof) that my fiancee's dad has been cheating on his mom for over 30 years with numerous individuals. I was completely shocked to find this out and wish I'd never found out in the first place. What do I do? I know my fiancee has no clue and that his mom and dad have been keeping it from his family the whole time. My fiancee thinks they have a great relationship. I don't want to hurt him, but by keeping the secret am I lying to him? I know that eventually the truth will have to come out, because they always do, and if he finds out I knew about it the whole time he would hate me. I also don't want to start our life together feeling like I have to keep things from him, and I can't look at his dad the same way anymore. He would never want his mom to be victimized like this and absolutely hates the idea of adultery.... I don't want to humiliate his mom by letting on that I know either. What do I do???? Is being ignorant truly blissful???? Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I may be giving the wrong advice here, but this is what comes to me right off the bat. As you know, you are between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, if you tell, your fiancee may resent you for telling him, on the other hand if you don't, and he later finds out you knew and didn't tell him, he may resent you for that. Family dynamics can be very strange to others, and yet work in some odd way for a particular family. I have a friend whose father kept a mistress for decades, the whole family knew it, including my friend's mother, yet they were still a close, intact family, and my friend's mom and dad really did seem to have a good relationship. I'll never understand how that all worked, but somehow it did. I really wonder if your fiancee may already know about this situation. He may hate aldultery because he has seeen it all his life. I'm not sure that it is your place to tell him about this. I think you should keep quiet for a least a little while, and see if you can get some more information about the situation. Keep a close eye on family dynamics, and see if you can pick up on any clues about who knows and who doesn't. The other thing, I might consider, if it were me, is going to future MIL, if you are sure she knows, and let her know you know, and ask her advice on how to proceed. Or if future MIL does not know, or you're not sure that she does, do the same scenario with future FIL. Tell whomever your feelings that you are keeping something from your fiancee, and you really don't know what to do. If this has been going on for 30 years and you found out, I'm certain that others in the family know too, at least on some level. Proceed with caution, you may upset a delicate family balance, that however dysfunctional is somehow working. Link to post Share on other sites
Cariel Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 It's neither your business or your problem, dear. Stay out of it. You would be amazed at what various family members know and decide to put up with. Link to post Share on other sites
ifeelurpain Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 I don't think this will help you with your problem, but i'm going through a similar situation. My best friend found out that her dad has been cheating on their mom. We are the only ones who know. She doesn't know what to do and i don't know how to help her. But she is sure of one thing. That she wants her mom to know, she wants her parents to confront the issue, because no matter how painful it will be, it is better to take on a problem on and solve it, than just live with it. It's better to get through your struggles in life, because you will be happier surviving through it than with it. Your fiancee may get mad at you when you tell him, either out of denial or at the situation, but he will appreciate it more that you told him in the long run, than if he finds out that you had been keeping it from him. No one wants to be left in the dark, even if it is better there. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Originally posted by Cariel It's neither your business or your problem, dear. Stay out of it. You would be amazed at what various family members know and decide to put up with. Ditto. It's none of your business. STAY OUT OF IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Since the original post is nearly a year old, I would hope that all action has been taken and the problem resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 I'm glad you pointed that out! How did that thread get bumped back up?! Link to post Share on other sites
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