Getting Over A Friend

[bsacamano69]

I know this is long but please take the time to read it. I’m in love with my friend and I don’t know what to do about it. We’ve tried dating twice. The first time it didn’t work out because I asked her out too late. I asked her out just as her feelings for me were going away. Thinking that I just had a small crush that would go away and not wanting to ruin a friendship, I decided to remain friends with her. Now 6 months later I’ve realized that I’ve fallen in love with her. A few weeks ago I told her that we shouldn’t talk for a while because I have feelings for her and I don’t know how else to get over it. She felt a little hurt, and after not talking for a couple days she called me and said that we should go on a date to see how it feels. She thought that she could make her feelings come back, but they didn’t. So at the end of the date we came to the agreement that we shouldn’t talk or see each other until I get over it. Not talking has not been working at all. Sometimes we see each other on campus and I don’t know how I’m just supposed to pretend that I don’t want to see her anymore. So after a week of not talking we decided that if we keep this up long enough we will eventually grow apart from each other, and that’s something neither of us want. So now we’re talking and hanging out again even though we both know that I have feelings for her. I care about her too much to not have her in my life, and I don’t want to throw what I already have with her out the window. It’s a lose-lose situation for me though, whether we’re friends or not I’m always going to want to be more than that. If we stop being friends I’ll feel really empty inside, but if we continue being friends I’ll feel emotionally overwhelmed inside. I’ve tried hooking up with other girls, not only has it not worked, but I find myself not even wanting to be with anyone else but her. I don’t know how to get over her, nothing seems to be working. Should I continue being friends with her, should I just cut contact altogether? Also I’m more than aware that I am being over-sensitive, but I can’t help it. I wrote out this long text that I was highly considering sending to her if there ever came a point where I felt like we shouldn’t be friends anymore, please tell me what you guys think about it; whether it’s lame, going overboard, etc. I just want honest opinions regardless of how harsh they may be, it won’t hurt my feelings trust me. Here’s the text… “I probably should be telling you this in person or over the phone, but there’s really not much to say about it. I know you feel that by telling someone you love them it loses its meaning. I know that you don’t even feel the same way about me. I know how you feel about relationships and intimacy in general. I know that you don’t find arrested development to be funny, which I’ll never understand… but regardless of all that, I just need you to know that I’m in love with you. I hope that if you meet someone you end up caring about, that you can be close with them in the way you couldn’t with me. My intention isn’t to make this a pity party so don’t feel bad for me, I’ll eventually move on. And I know this all might seem like a lame text that you see overly dramatic guys sending to girls out of some misplaced sense of infatuation, but it’s not… I honestly do love you. Don’t respond, don’t call, cause there isn’t much that any of us can say about this. I just needed you to know.”

Edited August 16, 2012 by bsacamano69

[NoMagicBullet]

Paragraphs, please! They make long posts much more readable. Anyway...

 

You are right, it's a lose-lose situation for you -- for now. If you still feel too much for her when you are near here and she doesn't feel the same, then it's in your best interests to go low or no contact. Yes, it will hurt not being around her, but it makes it easier to heal. Right now, every time you see her it's a setback to getting over her. Also, a few weeks of no contact is rarely enough -- you're going to need months. At least 2 months to start, and maybe more, depending on your feelings for her.

 

Now, it's possible to stay in contact with her and eventually get over her, but this is a difficult path with no guarantees of when you might be over her. Are you able to date? Are you attracted enough to other women that you would ike to date them? Or are you so focused on her, that you don't want anything to do with other women? If you can date others, low contact might work. If you have no interest in any women but her, then no contact is probably the way to go.

 

But really, a text? Do not end any relationship with a text! The only exceptions would extreme distance and lack of access to a telephone, or if the other person refuses to see you in person or talk to you on the phone. As for content of what you'd tell her, I don't know what some of your references are with how she views relationships, and that fact that she doesn't find "Arrested Development" funny is irrelevant to a relationship. If you feel like you have to tell her something, just tell her that you're in love with her and can't continue being friends with her because of it, that you need to end all contact with her so you can get over her and move on. And do it in person if you are able to, by phone if you both cannot meet. If for some reason you have to do this by writing, do it in a hand-written letter. A text is a lame, uncaring way to end things.

Edited August 17, 2012 by NoMagicBullet
Spelling; addition

[pteromom]

Your text is overly dramatic - don't send it.

 

I would go low contact. Be friendly with her, but focus on dating. Here's the thing about dating. You are gonna compare the other women to her, and none will measure up.

 

UNTIL...

 

One day, there will be a girl who does.

 

You wouldn't be compatible with these other girls even if your friend wasn't in the picture.