OW2Wife Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I'm just curious... who out there are actually OW, and who out there are scorned wives trying to fend off these OW... ???? Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 No offense but this question is posted 5 different ways at least once a week....what exactly do you plan to get from the answers?? Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I'm absolutely neither, I'm a happily involved GF of a sweet faithful hottie. I would break someone's neck if they tried to hook up with him and I'd break his neck if he did the same (hahahaha sorry I just couldn't resist putting that) Link to post Share on other sites
OW2Wife Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Well, it just seems to me that you could practically pick the replies that come from wives blindfolded.... They all seem to say the same thing.... "Stay away, run away, you will only get hurt in the end... You are wrecking something that needs to be fixed before you get involved..." And speaking from personal experience, that is not always the case.... it just seems to me that the OW come here for some support, maybe a little shoulder to lean on while their MM figures out a way to make the best out of a sticky situation and all they seem to get is this advice from wives who are trying to keep their obviously unhappy husbands at home... Well, ya know.... its not just the OW in this situation... these wives need to be asking themselves why their husbands are looking for someone else to fill a void in their life, why their husbands are completely miserable... the husband is straying because HE is not happy, because HE is no longer in love, and HE is now finding that elsewhere with an OW... somethings don't work out... that's life, and that's the way it goes... being an OW is not always necessarily a bad situation, yeah, of course, every woman would like the situation to have come about differently... but life is not like that, and you can't have every aspect in your life layed out like a puzzle. But, you make the best of the situation, and you go with what feels right and you go with what you know in your gut and in your heart... The only person that will ever live your life is YOU... SO.... yeah, thats why I wanted to know who was who... I wanted to see who was here to support and who was here to combat. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 It's not like a football game-I don't think anyone on here keeps score..... But you can tell who is who by the tone of posts, obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 In some cases yes, some of us think it's only right to tell you the TRUTH, most of the OW could come back in say 2-3 years and most likely either be 1) Still in the SAME situation (being the OW) -OR- 2) Left alone by that man so he can carry on his "perfect" life (delusional of course) with his wife. Just because someone says it's WRONG to sleep around with married men doesn't mean they are "scorned wives" or "women afraid of loosing their men" Bottom line is yes if a man isn't happy he will probably stray but he should be MAN ENOUGH to be honest FIRST before straying but realisitically he probably won't. What I don't get is WHY someone doesn't value themselves enough to want the man ALL for THEMSELVES?? That is what confuses me. If he's such a "good guy" why allow yourself to "share" him with someone else. Yes life isn't the way we want it to be usually but I think that if you have half a sense of morals and self respect and respect for others then you would put yourself in the wife's position and know that if it was you and your man was coming on to someone else (and she knowing he was married or taken) would be "woman enough" to send him on his way WITHOUT getting a lil somethin somethin first! Again it all comes back to SELF RESPECT let the dog move on to someone else even if you're attracted to him why put yourself in that situation? Wait until he leaves her (doubting he ever will) THEN sleep with him! Why aid in wrecking a home (yes help in wrecking the home obviously he is taking the first step but why help it along)??? Anyway there are my two cents NOT from a "SCORNED WIFE'S" point of view but just from someone who has self respect enough to not allow someone to use me as his "good time" and from someone who has empathy and sense enough to know WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND! I'm a firm believer in KARMA and even if you're not.....respect for one's self and other people's feelings should be enough to make someone not get involved with a taken or MM man. (when lied to end it, you're not married to him just move on and heal your heart and find someone single). But for those who CHOSE to stay or start something with a taken or MM then YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE because you have to know it will end in heartbreak on some degree maybe not your heart being broken but how can you be SURE? You can't! Period! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I believe people fall in and out of love. I do not believe that if you fall out of love with your husband/wife for whatever reason that you should stick together and work it out "no matter what". I DO believe, that most of the men and women out there who cheat on their spouses aren't doing it out of love. I DO belive, that most of the OW/OM do truly love (or at least think they do) the MM/MW. If the spouse has fallen out of love (read some of olivias excellent posts on the topic of owning love) and has found someone else then the decent thing to do is NOT string along both partners, but to make a decision either way. If you're not happy at home, p*ss or get off the pot. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 If the spouse has fallen out of love (read some of olivias excellent posts on the topic of owning love) and has found someone else then the decent thing to do is NOT string along both partners, but to make a decision either way. If you're not happy at home, p*ss or get off the pot. Exactly! What I don't understand is why OW/OM are okay with being with someone who can't do that. Of course, I've been on both sides briefly and I do believe in karma wholeheartedly. I had it done to me....I cheated on my H (bf at the time) with my stbxh and he had a pregnant gf at the time....well then came my turn to be preg and my H (we had married after my "incident") cheated on me. I feel that I had a huge dose of Karma.. See, in order for me to not be judgemental like I have in the past (Mr. Spock knows what I'm talking about) I ask silly questions.. I have also never had an affair, just a one time cheating thing....I wasn't over my tbxh at the time and he sucked me in, begged pleaded, and stupidly I said "will it make you shut up then" and the rest goes from there. Is it a manipulation thing too? I've thought about it and felt kinda manipulated by my ex, he was saying that WE were still married and it wasn't cheating because technically WE were cheating on each other (we both had live in bf/gf). okay i'm rambling on....sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Because the OW/OM by this time is so wrapped up and in love with the MM that they CANNOT leave-the OW/OM loses the balance of power. The MM/MW now holds all the cards, and knows it. So many of us OM/OW fall into this trap-very few that don't. The ones that are formed out of love on both parties, may succeed-the ones that are formed out of selfishness and deceit on the part of the MM/MW only end up hurting everybody. Link to post Share on other sites
cheeks Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 I thought I was the "soon to be wife". But I actually WAS the OW. Didn't know it. I feel like a real dummy. Link to post Share on other sites
TreeHugger Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Karma...definitely!! I found me!!! I have enjoyed reading some of the topics about the OW/OM. I come here just to get a better perspective of what was happening in my life...to get a better understanding of the OW in my husbands life. As for myself, I have spent time on both sides of the fence...and Karma has bit...and it sucks! I am usually the one seeking an OM...but made a commitment to my husband when we married that he was my only...now that I have been in a committed relationship for about seven years, it is my dh who found a OW.... I am not upset with her...his OW and I talked a few times...nice lady, we got along great ... had a few laughs...shared some stories...and found out that she is old enough to be his mom (and poor as ****...not sure what the attraction was...) I actually felt sorry for her, she had hopes of this young hottie firefighter fulfilling her dreams and he had no intention of anything other than using her for his gratification. The issue was my compulsive lying husband. I did not know he was a liar until recently...and found out he has been lying for many years and I think he believes he is not a liar...Go figure. So to answer your question, I am a wife (for the time being) and look forward to many more of life's adventures...and who knows...maybe I may become an OW at some point once again... Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 OW2Wife - I wasn't sure where you were coming from but after your second post I saw that you are looking for support here. Me too. At one point I had one foot out the door, pissed-off at him and ready to leave. Many, many conversations later.....I'm still here and thinking that I may be for a while....going on one year next month. The anniversary of the big blackout. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 In response to Miz Barby's post, I agree with you. I had a married man try to get me in bed many times. He was a cop, buff, and damn hot. There was definitely a strong attraction between us, but I left it at that. One night he threw himself on me and asked me why I didn't want him. He said, "Don't you feel the attraction? You're so beautiful." I looked him right in the eye and said, "So is your wife." That shocked him and cooled him off. I refused to get intimate with a married man. It's not right. If I was married, I wouldn't want some hussy messing with my husband, so I refuse to do the same. I felt bad for his wife. When I was single, I would always stay away from married men. They are taken, end of story. I don't understand why other people don't believe the same or have similar morals. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Not a wife, not an OW, not even living with my bf. Definetely selfish, hating leftovers, proud woman here, though. I say to each one his own. I think that one does not choose whom he falls inlove with, but does choose wheather to act upon it or not. As I said before, I am very selfish and I hate sharing. I hate not being number one. And I absolutely find pittyable women who go maybe I may become an OW at some point once again (sorry, TreeHugger, nothing personal here, just your morals are the ones making me sick to my stomach). Falling inlove is one thing, planning to have an affair with a MM to me is inexcusable. It's asking for karma to haunt you forever, IMHO! Link to post Share on other sites
TreeHugger Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Curly...so quick to jump to judgment We all rely on one another to be honest...and how many MM/MW actually get honest immediately and tell the OW/OM they are married??? Not the one I knew...and in fact was told that their relationship had ended awhile back...yada yada yada...next thing I know I'm wrapped up with this incredibly nurturing sexy person...then next thing I know I'm being confronted and informed that I have tangled in a committed relationship!!! Fast forward 9 years and I was the one to inform my husbands OW that I existed! ... but what comes around goes around It's all about honesty, and frankly if a person is having an affair what are the chances that they honest in any other facet of their lives?? I do not intend to go find a MM/MW, but in my venture of dating after my divorce...I will have to trust that the people I choose are honest and not married. I can not hold other people in judgment for their experiences...it's all a life lesson...and then we move on to the next life lesson...it's all ok. And isn't LS about providing support and sharing experiences??? Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Treehugger - you were an OW for 9 years????? Wow, that's amazing. This fascinates me because I wonder how you manage to stay in it for so long. How did it end? And what made you tell his wife? I find it very hard to imagine why a woman would want to do it. I have been involved with 2 married men before this one. I could have informed on them at any time but I never felt the need or desire to. I don't feel the need for revenge. I just want to put it all out of my life, which is what I thought I had done....till I met this one. Link to post Share on other sites
OW2Wife Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 See... the reason I posted this question was to see exactly where everyone was coming from, and that's exactly what I'm getting.... Everyone comes from a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SITUATION, and I think that to dog pile every reply and response into the same advice (which is what I see a lot of) is ridiculous... All you OW out their that have MM that are truly unhappily married... Here is my 2cents... Don't always just walk away, yes do it if you know you are following your gut and your womans intuition, but don't do it if you don't feel it is right.... If you truly have a mental and emotional connection and are not just a sexual affair then YOU are seeing the BEST of the MM, he is his happiest when he is with you, not his "wife"... YOU are the one he choses to show his REAL self too... when he goes "home", which he hates doing.... he is miserable... he sits in loneliness and sleeps solitude.... constantly thinking of you... You have some women here who have been with numerous MM, you have some women here who have been with one single MM for years, you have MM who have lied from the get go about being married, or you have MM who have come straight from the start and been completely honest about their wives and unhappiness... not all AFFAIRS end badly.... take it from me... I WAS the OW, until my MM could figure out finances and assets (they have no kids), and leave his wife, yes leaving was hard but it was do-able... Neither him nor his wife were happy. From the moment we met, he told me he was married, and we still had a connection that neither of us could ignore, nor did we want to. He was VERY unhappy and had not been married long, and had already been in counseling for the majority of his marriage... He knew it was not meant to be, and he was not going to lose me for vows he mistakingly took. People make mistakes, and yes... "you can choose to act on love" or not... but who in their God forsaken right mind would honestly walk away from something they knew in their heart was their everything....??? Not me, not him, not anyone I know, and probably not you.... Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 It's all about honesty, and frankly if a person is having an affair what are the chances that they honest in any other facet of their lives?? This is not what you said in your firsts post, TreeHugger. And of course the Shack is about support . On your earlier thread you said maybe I may become an OW at some point once again. This is not the posiion of a woman whose "love is being stronger then her judgment, clouding her mind and make her not resist the man she loves". When a woman deliberately wants to have an affair with a married man and comes on LS for comfort, I choose not to write on her thread. I did state my oppinion on this matter on my earlier thread. This is not personal, "You, TreeHugger, I don't like you !!!" . IT's what you said first that I find repulsive. And on that specific matter I chose to take a position. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 I think treehugger has a point. The heart wants what it wants, I think she's simply stating she'll never say never again-less crow to eat in case you ever fall in love with someone who is attached. There is a difference between falling in love with someone and hunting down attached men soley for the purpose of screwing with people's lives...... Link to post Share on other sites
OWused2b Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 I was an OW for four years. I have been freed for eight months. I called it off at the start of a beautiful TRUE relationship. I am sooooo happy and realize what a flaming idiot I was. And I work with him every day, and it's not hard. I realize that the man that I have now can give me 100%. And dammit, that's what I deserve! My heart goes out to all the OW out there. Let go. If he was going to leave her, he would have already. You are worth someone's ENTIRE heart and being, not this half ass sh*t. Break the cycle! I hope that one day you find TRUE LOVE. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 All you OW out their that have MM that are truly unhappily married... Here is my 2cents... Don't always just walk away, yes do it if you know you are following your gut and your womans intuition, but don't do it if you don't feel it is right.... If you truly have a mental and emotional connection and are not just a sexual affair then YOU are seeing the BEST of the MM, he is his happiest when he is with you, not his "wife"... YOU are the one he choses to show his REAL self too... when he goes "home", which he hates doing.... he is miserable... he sits in loneliness and sleeps solitude.... constantly thinking of you... I'm starting to believe that OW2Wife. Lately we've been talking every day while he drives home. Sometimes the conversation lasts 45 minutes.....we talk and laugh and gush about how great the other person is....I can always tell when he reaches his driveway. His voice goes flat and he says 'well, I'm in front of my house now, guess I better go in...'. He likes to text message me during the day too but occasionally I'll send him one first just to say good morning, and he'll call me later to thank me, to say that hearing from me is exactly what he needed at that moment. Getting laid is not enough for him anymore, he wants to feel wanted and needed. And I want and need him. I'm happy to hear that you've found love. I'm not sure what will happen with my situation, I've given up the other - single - guys I used to see, the limited quality time we get to actually spend together about once a week, and the daily conversations are far more fulfilling than anything I've had in the 5 years I've been single. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Ok Kia. Then tell him that, and also that you are planning on telling his wife about the love you share, and see what he says. I would be interested to know, since he doesn't seem too concerned about it. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 He knows all that - apparently it makes him feel 'so good' to hear it. And if I don't say it, he'll bring it up so I'll have to repeat it again: "So our relationship is the best you've ever had right , you don't want to see any other guys anymore?.....I LOVE hearing you say that....." What I get in return is: " you're perfect, I'm the luckiest man in the world to have you in my life.....I'm yours for life..." that last phrase made me say "I don't really have you, you belong to someone else.....I'm just renting you....ha ha." His reply was "......o.k. but, how about 'rent-to-own'....maybe....?" I changed the sublject, I'm couldn't handle that topic; maybe I'll never be ready for it.... And you KNOW I will never tell his wife...or even pretend to. There is obviously a huge problem between the two of them, but it took me 9 looooonnnnggggg years to finally leave my now ex-husband. It is not my problem to solve. It's his. My own personal experience is that sometimes the OW does get the man. My father married his OW. They stayed together for 10 years, then they divorced -because she w as an EVIL CRAZY B***CH. Link to post Share on other sites
OW2Wife Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Ya know Kia... It sounds like you know what you are doing... "renting-to-own" is a perfect way to explain it... and I know, as soon as you actually start talking about "what might become" it gets a little scary... If you are happy, truly that is all that matters... In reality if you think about it... you are getting just as much if not more than you would from any "single" man... you see him weekly, you talk daily... if he was single you would probably still see him weekly, right somewhere in between his friends, the gym, nights out with the boys, football, baseball, family, and whatever else may be on his agenda for the week... in our cases... it just so happens to be a wife.... different appointment, same agenda... All you can do is follow your heart, because if you walk away from something that is a social "taboo", which is all it really is, then you will only be CHEATING YOURSELF in the end... because in reality.... I think this is what a lot of people misunderstand about love... the whole "He's mine" and "She's mine" concept blows my mind....NO ONE can ever BELONG to someone else... you can not OWN a piece of someone's soul... no matter how big the diamond... Link to post Share on other sites
TreeHugger Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 kiababy--I apologize for not being more specific...I was the OW about 9 years ago. I was completely unaware that I had stumbled into a committed relationship. I was dating this person, having a great time and later found out about their marriage. Needless to say, the relationship was short lived....less than 6 months. About two years later, I met and married the man of my dreams. A hottie fire fighter from the city....Yummy! We have been married for about 7 years now. And about 6 months ago I found out that my husband had been seeing someone else on the side for several months. His OW did not know that he was married...so when I confronted her she was VERY shocked! (hence the trend of dishonesty) The lesson I learned is that relationships, feelings and communication is a complex juggling act...just because someone tells you that they are single and honest does not mean that it is the truth...proof as by all the messages posted on this topic... and I have to agree with OW2Wife...it is a "social taboo," and deepens the topic even more... Mr Spock I respect your eloquence...you have summed it up perfectly Thank you You are right...I would never, and have never "sought out" a married person to engage in a relationship. I will date again and I hope NOT TO BE the OW... but humans lie... Yikes... Simply put...Life happens, and sometimes your not given all the information to make the best possible decision. I do not feel qualified to judge another's experience with loving another consenting adult...life is too short...cheers! CurlyIam This is not personal, "You, TreeHugger, I don't like you !!!" I'm not sure what your sayin...if I stepped on your toes, I humbly apologize But if you truly don't like me...aahhhhh OK. LOL There's too much to life to worry about strangers not liking me... I replied to this topic as I have sat on both sides of the fence...9 years ago as an OW, and most recently as the wife of a man who has an OW. And once again...I'm not bitter with my husbands OW...just spoke with her last night...simply put...if he wants an OW...he is now free to do so (the beauty of divorce)... I did not realize I had sooo much to say about this topic...I guess I should close with IMHO... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts