kutenkooky Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 OkI will try and make this short and sweet. I was dating a guy who I cared about a lot but did but did not know if he was the one. We went out for a year 2 years. We stopped having sex after about a year. Due to some things that have happend in the past that I have not yet handled on my own. I decided to break up with him after finding myself attracted to someone else. We broke up I had sex with someone else. Found it physically good but not fullfilling mentally. After a few months I persued ex and we started dating again. Still no sex together. He proposes, I say yes. We marry. Still no sex. we are best friends I love him dearly. I tell him I need some changes if the relationship is to get better he says he will try after seeing no action we go to counseling. it doesn't seem to work and I keep getting angrier with him for lack of results. So, we seperate. I tell him it's over and go about my life. I start dating our roomate. I know dumb idea!! I realize he is a bit of a liar. We don't have a commitment but I care about him a lot. I read his email and see he is writing to his ex wife, another chick he used to have sex with who he claims is a friend. He says he did it becasue he is feeling insecure with where he is in his life so he needed to feed the ego but he didn't act on it. Can we try to be commited. The deal is he has told me he has cheated before on various women. Including his wife. because he didn't want to lose her as his best friend. But he says since we have been seeing each other he has not had sex with anyone. But I have found little things that make me suspicious but no proof so to speak. A few weeks ago he said he was going to cisit his kid a few hours away and staying with a relative. He gets an important call and I call him he isn't there. he turns up the next day at relatives, he said he went to a cousins house because his relative wasn't home and stayed the night. I was so made and upset with him thinking about him with someone else I just said move your **** out I don't want to talk to you anymore. So he says he is going to come pick up his crap. In the mean time I have so many feelings about my ex that I call him and ask him would he give us another chance. He is a great guy. I think we made a mistake in not working it out to begin with but is it just regret or do I think I should work it out with him?? I jsut don't know. I would nnever want to hurt him so I tell him I am confused and I am going to therapy this week. The other guy is now telling me he loves me. That he never thought about it until he realized he could lose me. Ok so what do i do know?? I am so confused I care about them both. There's more but that is the most important stuff. What should I do! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 No, the most important stuff is do you love either one of these people? I don't mean 'care', I mean love as in if he died your life would be black and cold. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Are you afraid to be alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kutenkooky Posted July 15, 2004 Author Share Posted July 15, 2004 I love both of these men. If either of them died I would feel like I had lost someone special. Obviously I would have much more regret if my husband died thinking about what if we had stayed together. I am a not afraid to be alone. The thought of being with out these 2 particular people though does scare me. I am independent have my own set of friends, hobbies, good career and am fairly attractive. I am just wondering if my marriage could be saved when I have fallen in love with this other person would I always wonder what could have been with the other person. But since I know I have a trusting, loving man I know we could make it work but would I be choosing safe? I know what life is like being in a relationship with him. It is healthy, the other one in the past not so healthy. He said he was just afraid to give me his all becaause he didn't think at this point in his life he anything worth giving. In other words he doesn't find himself in a successful career with aquired posessions. Thanks for your responses so far! Link to post Share on other sites
crazydawg Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 stop being so selfish and always think about your self believe me your gonna come out hurt even more. Why don't you focus on other peoples feelings instead of what you want Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 What should I do! Put some spaces in your story, so people can read it. Link to post Share on other sites
unsafe Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Ok I am going through a very similar situation. I had a serious boyfriend for two years. We were planning on moving in together and two weeks before that he broke things off saying he wasn't sure about us anymore. We had talked about marriage alot. And wanted to get married with in a few years of living together. But he broke it off. It was very hard for me I loved him more then life itself. While apart I met someone else. He was so not my type. Tattoos, rough guy...but he was amazing. He made me feel so alive again. And I forgot all about the ex. He has a lot of insecurities so when things started to heat up he said that he wasn't sure he was in the right place. His last serious girlfriend broke his heart bad. Then about two weeks after we broke things off..Well nothing happened we didn't even kiss but I liked him so much. We just had hung out and talked alot. The ex came back and said I was the one he wanted. So we tried again. He was good to me for the first month or so. But then all of a sudden he got mean, and distant and I figured he was cheating so we broke things off after 3 months. While with the4 ex the other guy and I stayed friends. We hung out once and talked alot through the internet. (while at work). The next day after my ex and I broke up again..I told my friend and he asked if there was anyone I had in mind that I wanted to date? I was a little confused but kind of thought maybe he was interested again. He would say things like he was. So a week after the break up he asked me to the movies and I went. We had a real good time. After that he and I were pretty much together. We only dated each other and we hung out all the time with just us and with all our friends. We had so much fun together I liked him so much. He was still insecure which drove me nuts alot. But it didn't matter I liked him so much. it made it more excited (that might sound sick but its true). We even went on a mini vacation to Laughlin together. It was so much fun. Anyway a week after our vacation he found out his ex was getting married and well they had only been broken up for a year. So she must have been cheating on him or something. Because she got engaged two months after they broke up. So he got real distant trying to deal with the pain. He pushed me away again and said he doesn't want to hurt me because he cares about me so much. And he is a mess. And I deserve the best. So we decided to go back to being friends. It was really hard for me because I was so into him. but then a month later starting to get over and just be friends with him. My ex starts bugging me again and saying I am the one he wants to marry me. I was so confused. I started to hang out a little with him but it was hard all the pain I had been through from him. But things started to progress and I could tell he really changed and wanted me and figured it all out. And he is still way into me and still planning on asking me to marry him. About 3 weeks ago the other guy decided he didn't just want to be friends and that he wanted another chance. He asked for one. I told him I was dating someone and that I couldn't just break things off for him because he let things go before. He wrote me a song about how much he loved me and a million kisses would never be enough. Then he wrote me a letter saying that he hopes I am happy...but still likes me. and I am such a great person and he cares for me. I wrote him and told him if I am going to give this relationship a chance. He understands completely. But now I am so conflicted. I don't want to regret anything but I love them both and I am so confused which one I should be with if any at all. I want to give my ex a chance just don't know if my heart will let me.? Any advice. I think for you...you should take some time and really think about it like I should. I am going away this weekend without either and so I need to see how I feel by myself maybe I will figure out what I want. I want to get married and have children with the ex but is that the safe way or should I go with the guy that makes me feel alive and life is so excited and I never know what will happen next. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 UnSAFE REally?? So NC with your ex made him realize he wants to marry you?? Link to post Share on other sites
unsafe Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Yes it made him think I was finding other guys and he was losing me. you always realize what you had when its gone. the first time we had contact for the first two and half months and then I could see he wasn't coming back and I loved him to much to see or hear about him being with other girls he wasn't telling me but I know he was. So I told him I couldn't be his friend. And I moved on and meet this other guy and then he realized I was really letting it go and he came back but wasn't ready yet still wasn't sure. but didn't want to lose me. Then this time I was over it...I had my guy that I loved and I wanted to be with him. When my ex wanted me back the other guy and I had become just friends again for a couple weeks...and I told my ex to never call me again. But he kept calling because he would leave messages saying he loved me and made a mistake and needs me. And he will do anything to get me back. Since I was single again and figured this other guy let me go I had nothing to lose to just give it another chance. the no contact rule works for you to find out how much they love you and want you. If they don't contact you after you leaving it alone for a month or two then you should move on and they really don't want you like you thought. But if they do don't let them have what they want make them work so hard for it. because if you don't they will not appriciate it at all. They have to prove you and themselves you are what they want. But I do believe that second chances are ok to give as long as they are worked for. and you both really love each other no dating others though...just you two...and time apart don't give them all they want right away...let them see you and not be able to have you the way they want then they know and figure out what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Wow so you really made him work for it. thats what i think too. its been 2 weeks, i thought by now he'd be missing me, i guess its too soon lol Link to post Share on other sites
unsafe Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Only two weeks...how long since you broke up? Give it more time..just make sure he doesn't her about you talking about him like through friends and stuff. or family. He needs to see that your life goes on without him. Maybe even go out on dates..even if its not what you want. It will help you and if he gets wind of it he will either feel like ok its ok I want her to be happy or he will feel like wait that is my girl...no I want her...and he will come back. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too if he comes back. I read a book its called get your lover back...and it was pretty good. You have to feel secure that you are worth so much and if they could let you go then they aren't worthy but since you love them you do want them so you have to be strong but also don't push them away...you have to say you hurt me I love you but you hurt me if this is what you want I need you to show me not tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 who is that book by? its been 3 mths since break up (i broke it off cuz i couldt take the distance attitude every third day)...but he went out w/ another girl but still called me to say he missed me. I said you have to change for me to come back.......i changed my number after i found out about this girl...that was 2 weeks ago, and no contact at all since then.......2 weeks and one day . this is the longest its been who wrote that book? Link to post Share on other sites
unsafe Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Its at home I would have to look...you can go to barns and noble.com and type in relationship and stuff and they will give you a huge list of books that might help you. That is what I did and where I found that book. So you did the breaking up...but he was distant. Remember the guy I was talking about not my ex boyfriend but they guy I met he had big issues because his ex..was very distant see he broke things off with her but not because he wanted to he just wanted to stop the feeling he was getting like there was someone else. And since you said he has seen some other girl I really think no contact will do you good either way. YOu deserve better then a guy that loves you to treat you that way because he seems to find himself looking around. He should have come out and told you...or when you said something he should have said I am sorry that is not how it is at all...I love you let me show you..or he would say you are right I am not sure this is what I want anymore? Either way its good to let it go for now. ? if you changed your numbre how will he get a hold of you if he wants to? you could have just kept the same number and not answered it when it was him... Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 i changed the number because he kept calling and texting me and i was so tempted to call him. I figured if he really wanted to get in touch, he knows where i live. well what happened was i dumped him and said i couldnt deal with it and that i was goin gto date so he said "fine" and started dating himself. then when i got mad about himdating he said "you dated someone else, you broke my heart!" I said "but i did it because i told you you had to stop being so distant, i thought you would change". he said "you have to love me for ME". i still dont know if he sees how he was wrong in being so distant all the time' he said he wasnt looking around for a girl, he said he was so hurt by me leaving him that he was so lonely and needed to fill the void. and he says he knows its wrong, he even told me he "wouldnt be seeing that freak anymore" i dont know why he called her a freak, hes still seeing her. i think shes his rebound. I stopped contact and im hoping he sees that it was him that wasnt treating me right in the relationship and comes to me to work things out. if he doesnt see what he did wrong then i dont want him anyway hmm i wonder what book that is. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Unsafe It has been 2 weeks and 2 days since I last had contact with him. You said this: "you have to be strong but also don't push them away...you have to say you hurt me I love you but you hurt me if this is what you want I need you to show me not tell me." How can i do that if there is no contact? its only been 2 weeks so should i keep no contacct for another month or so and THEN contact them with just a "hello"? I dont understand how i can "not push them away" but still keep no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
unsafe Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 First since this break up was based on his distance and now that you two have broken up he isn't fighting for you. He could think you really don't want him. Have you told him you still want him just can't handle the way he was? If so then he knows Second don't contact him. He needs to contact you. If he calls answer be nice but you be distant and you if you talk about the relationship say (if you want him back) I love you with all my heart, I loved being with you and spending my life with you but I felt neglected. I need to feel and know I am the one you want. Because you are the one I want. And leave it at that. If he doesn't show you then he really doesn't want you back. If right now he came to you and said you are the one I want but since you broke up with me I can't tell wouldn't you show him? I know he was wrong but if he swallows his pride and tells you that...if you really wanted him in your life you should find a way to show him. Just be strong...if he is dating someone else let them date if you are the one he wants he will realize by dating this girl that no one is like you. If he keeps just being distant and makes you feel like you aren't wanted then you need to move on and find someone who will make you feel special and important to them. That is obviously what you need. If he can't give it to you then you need to find someone who can... I hope this helps..just don't call him first Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 well what happened was, after i broke up w/ him 3 mths ago he kept texting and calling me saying " I cant move on, I have been thinking about you non stop for days, god i miss u. I dont know why you wouldnt move in with me, i always asked you to etc etc" I was like "you are so up and down with your treatment of me, you'd be distant one day and then like this the next day and i cant deal w/ that unless you change your ways. HE just didnt know how to not be like that so i said i couldnt do it anymore This is how the conversation went about june 27th or so He was like "yes im dating another girl but you left ME, you dated other guys.. i think about you all day long, you have ruined me forever because I cant stop thinking of you. My friends say to me 'what is it about her, there are 100's of beautiful girls out there, why cant you stop talking about her?' and I just tell them "I don't know, shes so different than all these girls". Hes like "I miss you so much and i still love you" Then a few days later I went to his house because he kept bugging me about a cable box i had so i took it to him and he grabbed me and hugged me. i said "im going to this bar w/ laura, see ya". and he ended up showing up at the bar and saying "I have never wanted you more in my life when i saw you standing in my doorway". He had to fish at 5am the next morning and he still showed up at this bar . I was like "you have to get up in 5 hours!" he said "it was well worth it, i had to see you". he stood by my side the entire night, stared at me. he kept switchign places with people to stand next to me. At one point he just said "come here" and hugged me so hard and tried to kiss me but i wouldnt let him. he was like "i miss u so much". I said "you have a new girl". he said "I want YOU back. i thought you were gone forever" . He said "come back with me" I said "i cant go back" he said "dont worry, theres nothing there of anyones, you wont see any girls stuff or anything". I wont be seeing that other girl anymore, i wont be seeing that FREAK." I said "i cant". He said "i want you back so much". he kept holding me RIGHT IN FRONT OF ALL HIS FRIENDS WHO KNOW THIS NEW GIRL HE'S BEEN DATING. then he said "lets go" he held my hand and walked out with me. i said "my feet are killing me!" he picked me up and said "From now on I am going to be a complete gentleman" and carried me to my car. I was like "wow!!" he hadnt been like tht in so long. Well i go back to his house and we made love all night long and then he got up for fishing and when i got up to leave my heart sunk I saw a girls stuff in his bathroom and pictures of her up in his living room. and i saw a card from her hanging up. I kept thinking "how could he!" but now i think "he knew i was coming there w/ the cable box, he probably put that stuff up on purpose to make me jealous". It killed me , i ended up calling this girl to find out and she was like "you're at his house?? we're in love, we're getting married (after only 2 1/2 mths of dating she is saying this). I said "what???" she said "he told me you only dated once". I said "we went out for 2 years!" anyway, i find out they have been going to florida together and going away together and that she met his PARENTS! He said "shes a rebound, i was so empty without you, i thought you were leaving me forever, I was so lonely". i SAID TO HIM "thats it, Dont ever call me again, I thought you would have changed and came back to me, instead you're seeing this girl and lying". 2 days later i called and left a message and said "I really wish you well, i realize now that I was stuck in a relationship w/ someone who didnt love me enough to change, instead he went and found a new girl and takes her away on trips that WE USED TO GO TO TOGETHER!". I said "i wish you luck with this new girl, i am moving on". So i changed my phone number and that was july 4th and its been 16 days and i havent called since. It kills me so much but i know this girl is nothing compared to me, he told me i was so different. how could he say all of those nice things to me but still spend time w/ her? Link to post Share on other sites
unsafe Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Guy can be idiots well so can girls really. Maybe it is his rebound and so he is being hardcore trying to forget you. But he is lying to both of you. I think you need to let him go even though it hurts that made. Just stay away from him. You couldn't handle the way he treated you do you need to just move on because he is lying and not just to her but to you. If he didn't want her then say why are you still with her. If he says because you are gone or I thought you were gone. Say well how would you ever get me back if you had a new girl and you were planning on getting married? just remind him how he is acting and that its not a secrure situation to put yourself in. No matter how much you love him. My advice be glad you changed your number. He may have tried to get a hold of you but you wont know because you changed your number. If he shows up maybe you should tell him if you can forgive him for all of this with this other girl...say you need to be with out her so I know I am what you want..and I need you to prove it..Maybe you being gone has showed him what he had and he wants to change... But if he can't let this girl in fear of not having you or whatever...you need to find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Ok now what do i do HIs best friend just emailed me and was like "i hope you are doing well, if you need me im here"...its been 2 weeks and i have had no contact at all the guy i am seeing sent him an email saying "Hey ..I am using her computer right now for research and accidentally opened her mail....she will email you when she can , she is asleep right now, had alot of dental work done and is hurting pretty bad...she will email you later when she can" ---nick is that cool? Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 I guess what i mean is.....I broke all contact 2 wks ago. my ex's friend contacted ME. the guy i am sort of dating was using my computer and told me about the email and he emailed back with that. Does that count as breaking no contact? I hope not because I didnt say anything in the email! Link to post Share on other sites
unsafe Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 you are seeing someone? Why would you expect him not to be with someone if you are. If you aren't happy and you don't want him then you need to break things off don't hold on to something or someone just have something there. That is selfish. If you like this guy then just go with it and forget about the ex. So his friend e-mailed you to see how you were. Write him back tell him how you feel. See hinding it is just playing games. Tell him you are hurt and the reasons and give examples of how the ex was towards you. See he can maybe understand and get the ex to understand too. Tell him if you want him or not. You should act like you are talking to the ex because you know he will tell him everything. Say whatever it is you need to say that you love him..that you just want things back..and that this other girl has really messed things up since she told you they were planning on getting married. that is what I think you should do..but you had the new guy reply doesn't make you look so good. if he replied on his own then he wants your ex to know you are taken now. other wise he would have told you he accidentially opened it and he didn't he wanted to know who this guy was. I promise you that. youjust need to figure out what you really want. If you really want things with your ex then you need to let go of all of this crap that has happened and focus on him. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 No no nooo what happened was, i was asleep and the guy really DIDNT KNOW who the guy was that emailed me. He told me AFTER he emailed him back. this is what happened I was asleep. nick was using my computer (by the way, i am dating now because i was told by everyone that i should start dating again but not get too serious). He came in and woke me up and said "Jen, you got an email from one ofyour friends, he was just asking how you were doing, i accidentally opened the email and so i wrote him back saying that you were asleep and that you'd write back when you were awake". and he signed it w/ his name. I was just saying "is this a bad thing? does this look like i broke NC? I didnt email him, and my ex's friend emailed FIRST, nick just responded to it, thinking it was just some friend of mine. And the only reason i am seeing someone now is because I feel like it is over with me and my ex and i was told by everyone on these sites that i should get out there and go on dates. its not serious and this guy knows that too! we just like to hang out. I also disagree with telling my ex's friend I am hurt, this goes against everything everyone else told me! i dont want him to think i am sittin ghere pining away! Link to post Share on other sites
unsafe Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 but you are...why lie about it. Playing games it what makes things complicated. I think the no contact this is not only best for you but for him. You didn't break the no contact because his friend isn't you. maybe you should just tell the friend you are doing fine thanks for asking and leave it at that. I agree you should date. But you are the one that broke things off. I know he was being distant and I have been there I know what its like. But you walked out saying it was to much you couldn't handle it. Therefore if you want him back now you have to prove it just as much as he does because you broke up with him. He has told you how much he wants you back. But youhaven't told him the same. He probably thinks you are over it and that is why his friend is e-mailing to see where you stand. If you want to date then you need to move on. Especially if you have someone in your place using your computer while you are sleeping that is something if you ask me. I don't go to guys houses that I am not dating that I don't want something to happen. And the guy Nick...he wanted to know how the guy was definitly to see if you where having someone else around too. He likes you and probably wants more then just something casual. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 he's at my house because he said he would nurse me because I am in so much pain from the dentist. and he needed to borrow my computer. Link to post Share on other sites
unsafe Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 all I am saying is do what you want...but if the ex is what you want then with both of you dating it wont happen. You both have to agree you want this and work at it. If you want to let it go and date others then do so..just let the other guy go. Don't respond to his friend ignore it all. Link to post Share on other sites
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