conflict in myself

[razz90]

I've had an experience recently, which brought up a big conflict in me then and now..

Long story short, I met this guy at a festival - it was late and we bumped into each other. He was fairly forward (said he wanted to kiss me within minutes of meeting), and when i said no, asked for a hug which i gave but felt more intimate than i would've liked. Anyway, I was not attracted to him, plus he was older (i'm 21 he was 35), so i stood my ground, even when he suggested I was havign a conflict, where i wanted to kiss him but didn't because of age etc. (we both agreed no sex was going to happen). So the next day i bumped into him again, and we hung out with his friend the whole day (because honestly, i enjoyed his company and he had an amazing sense of humor). Anyway as I got to know him better I got more and more attracted to him. At the party the next night I remember him saying he wouldn't kiss me as i had my chance etc, and he was respecting my wishes the previous night, thinking that if I kissed him I'd regret it (though i'm sure if I pushed for it he would've). We hung out the rest of the weekend, i was less resistant to his hugs ^^, but never kissed him. But after we said our goodbyes, I've been fantasizing about him. It's a complete 360 from how I felt the first night, where I didn't even like him hugging me.

 

I have no issues with kissing someone I barely know, I do it if in a moment I feel a strong sexual attraction. (kissing/touching is as far as I'd go with someone I barely know though) But this wasn't there at the time, hence I didn't kiss him, knowing I wouldn't enjoy it. There wasn't a point where I had a strong desire for him, but now I do. It's not like I have feelings for him, I'm ok with the fact I may never see him again. What is bothering me though, is i feel I missed out on something that would've been fun. Also, I felt this massive conflict...and i don;t know if it was a conflict between what I really wanted, and what I felt I *should* feel. Basically, I want to live my life doing what I feel is right, and be happy doing so, but I felt (feel) like I don't KNOW what I want. Yes I want intimacy etc, even if it's for a passing moment, but it depends who it is with. I'm indecisive and my thoughts/feelings are all over the place, and on one hand I want to be able to be intimate with a range of people, but on the other hand, I regret it if it isn;t with the right person...I feel like as a woman, I should only let *certain* guys touch/kiss me. (i.e attractive, kind, funny, whatever).. Is this stupid/insane?

 

Anyway, sorry for rambling, what I'm really asking here, is if anyone can relate, and any tips on figuring this out?