get over it already!

[crybaby]

i don't know what, if any, good this will do me. maybe i will just get some satisfaction from the rant, so here we go. from the time that i was 19-24, i was in a serious five year relationship with an amazing guy. we lived together for four of those five years, and spent all our time together. we went through some tough times, but our love for each other always came out on top. we talked about marriage and children, and we both seriously and honestly believe that we were "meant to be". during the last year of our relationship, we hit our low point. no major turning event occurred, we just couldn't seem to be happy with each other anymore. we tried and tried, but eventually we realized that we had to end it before we wound up hating each other. the "break up" was about a year and a half ago, but we have remained the best of friends. since then, he has a new serious girlfriend, however, i am having a terribly difficult time letting him go. i believe with my entire being that we are meant to be together and that we will eventually end up with each other. i'm beginning to wonder if this is just something i've made myself believe. anyway, i guess what i'm asking, is for suggestions or ideas on how i can help myself let him go and get on with my own life. i feel as though this little blurb hasn't really said everything that i believe is necessary to understand the full extent of the relationship, but it's the basis. i'm tired of crying myself silly every time i think of him, so any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Mitch]

since then, he has a new serious girlfriend, however, i am having a terribly difficult time letting him go. i believe with my entire being that we are meant to be together and that we will eventually end up with each other

Well, no, your post has been one of the better ones I've seen tonight.

 

So many of these seem to be "I don't know what he/she thinks and I was wondering if anybody knew of a magic way to figure it out without *gasp* talking to the person."

 

I doubt it's any coincidence that the really bad pain has come on since he got a new girlfriend. It's probably (and let me know if I'm wrong) something along the lines of "hey, he can seemingly get along with her great, what was wrong with me/us??").

 

Realizing (or rather concentrating) on a few things might help:

 

a)You can bet things aren't perfect and that they have their ups and downs. No one is going to talk completely truthfully about their current girlfriend to an ex-girlfriend. And it's more likely to be biased in a very positive way.

 

b)They certainly don't have the track record you two had. It sounds like you guys had a good relationship for a number of years. And that isn't trivial. But for whatever reason, it didn't hold up. You did the right thing in getting out, rather than staying together and adding to the divorce stats. Furthermore, you were able to maintain a friendship for a long time afterwards.

 

c)Given b above, it's almost a certainty to happen again. You're very much capable of finding another person who it will work out with, period and I would bet good money on this if given the chance.

 

d)It also seems that a key facet of the trouble getting over things is understanding why things went bad. If you haven't talked with him about it, in the interest of closure, it would probably make sense to. Letting him know this is the reason you're bringing it up is likely to help him open up.

 

Good luck with all of this.

 

And "Crybaby" nothing ---

 

This stuff hurts! The fact that it hurts just suggests to me that you had a good relationship with some real depth to it. And not everyone is capable of that.

 

But you are.

[Tony T]

I'm a guy but I have kind of been where you are a few times. You just think someone is absolutely meant for you and they aren't around anymore and it's weird. It's like a piece of you died off. You hold on to hope that they willl re-enter your life and things will be wonderful. You daydream about how wonderful it will be when the two of you are together once more. You know it was just meant to be.

 

All that is stuff of imagination, movies, dreams, etc. The reality is that you got used to this guy for five years, so used to him that the relationship went stale the last year of it. It ended. But that's not bad. You had some great times. Yes, it feels pretty empty to look at those photo albums and momentos of all the good times...and think about how wonderful it would be to go back to that.

 

We can screw our minds with this kind of crap all of our days and end up totally wasting precious years we could be using to build new and even more valued memories. It's just the way life is. Things change. People change. We move on to new things. For the very sensitive, it doesn't make a lot of sense. But, if you really think about it, five years with someone you love is really great compared to many who are never even able to spend a day with someone they love.

 

You have to make the decision or realization that that period of your life is over. It was great and it ended. Life beckons you to move on to new and glorious experiences. If you get stuck, mired in the past, glued to something that has already played out, you only rob yourself of a future that awaits you. You are your own worst enemy here. The world is pretty damned indifferent about what you do with your time, your heart, your precious present.

 

I hope you will start looking out for yourself, being a bit selfish, and pack as many new and wonderous experiences and loves into your life as you possibly can. One day it will all be over.

 

In time, you won't feel nearly as bad. Eventually, you will be pissed that you spent so much of your valuable time thinking about something that was over. You won't get even slightly depressed when you think about this period because you'll have a great new life. Just get past this when you can.

[Jodie]

As much as you care about this guy, I would try a bit of a break from the "best friends" thing for a while. I really feel that by remaining in close contact, you are making your own healing process more difficult. Every time you see him, or hear about his life you are making it more difficult on yourself. Are you really interested in being best friends, or are you secretly hoping that this friendship will eventually lead to a reconciliation? If so, then you are really prolonging the agony for yourself.

 

Try spending more time with other friends, and doing different things. I'm not suggesting that you cut him off completely, but rather distance yourself a little, so that you are less involved.

 

I think that it's really nice that you are friends, it shows your level of caring and respect for each other, but by the same token, you need to be a little bit selfish for a while to allow yourself time to heal.

 

Good Luck, one day you will find that love that is forever. You sound like a really kind and thoughtful person.

[neo]

like your post says "get over it already". you already know the solution to your dilema. my guess is that you are hurting now more since you realised that your ex beau has a new significant other in his life now. i'm not saying that this means that the hurt is insignificant. its just that its wierd when someone one has been so close to finds someone else to be as intimate with as you.

 

i understand that right now probably you can't eat, sleep, work, life doesn't seem to be worth anything and you feel as if you will never find anyone as perfect as the one you have lost. i assure you (having been there myself) that in time the pain will go and this will mean nothing to you. you just have to give yourself time. you sounded like a caring girl and i'm sure there are millions of guys out there who would be lucky to be with you.

 

so let yourself grief a bit (not too long) and then go out and meet all the eligible men that you can. you deserve it.

 

best of luck.

[Deejette]

Like any mourning process, it takes a while to go through. You have had someone in your life so close to you and now they are just not there anymore. You can't skip over the hurt of this, but you will not die from it either. It just takes time, like mourning for a dear departed family member. People who try to skip over the mourning process, by jumping quickly into a new relationship to avoid the pain, still have to deal with that pain, which, though buried, comes back to haunt them.

 

But once that mourning period comes to its own natural end, you will be happy to know that you lived through it and survived to meet someone who is even better for you than your old love.

 

I was surprised the other day by my own ability to get over things in time. An old boyfriend whom I had obsessed over and agonized about in the past (after a broken relationship), came up to me after a play I was in, to hug me and tell me how good I was, and I couldn't remember his name! That showed me a lot. He had been so important to me at the time of the relationship that I doubt 10 minutes went by in my waking life, without thinking about him! Now it took me the whole night just to remember his name.

like your post says "get over it already". you already know the solution to your dilema. my guess is that you are hurting now more since you realised that your ex beau has a new significant other in his life now. i'm not saying that this means that the hurt is insignificant. its just that its wierd when someone one has been so close to finds someone else to be as intimate with as you. i understand that right now probably you can't eat, sleep, work, life doesn't seem to be worth anything and you feel as if you will never find anyone as perfect as the one you have lost. i assure you (having been there myself) that in time the pain will go and this will mean nothing to you. you just have to give yourself time. you sounded like a caring girl and i'm sure there are millions of guys out there who would be lucky to be with you. so let yourself grief a bit (not too long) and then go out and meet all the eligible men that you can. you deserve it. best of luck.