Shadows of life...ladies and gents

[dudesomewhere]

so my best friend, who is female and much younger than me. We talked last night about stuff, things she has gone through recently. After I backed off because things looked like she wanted me too...because well I thought things were a different way. Hold onto that thought and I'll circle back.

 

Ladies, give me your input(maybe ). Gents, if I may be so bold to assume, just listen.

 

My heart hurt last night. We had fun, innocent stuff...going about to different places. I just wanted to make her happy, keep her happy because she is like my little sis. So after knowing just a bit of some negative stuff that happened with her...I come to find out just a little more. Stuff that has to do with society in general...as a whole.

 

She talks about things, we converse...and it comes to the point with her and guys and how she just wants to be accepted. She's young so it's very understandable to me, or maybe I'm just very understanding when it comes to things like this. She reveals how some guys she thought were her friends came on to her and instead of rebutting them, she returned their actions. Someone kissed her and she kissed him back...how she didn't want it but didn't want to slap him. She felt she had to because she thought that that's what all guys want. And to be accepted by them she had to be what they wanted. This happened between 2 guys and it tore her apart mentally...making her feel worthless. Showing to her the shallowness of the average male. All they really want...is basically nothing.

 

This type of behavior enrages me. I know many have said before and use the annoying "we're men so we do this and that..." the whole typical behavior scapegoat manuever to cover one's self...to make it so one doesn't seem all that bad. Well to me it's bad. I've never used that crap. There is no sex defining behavior that warrants such baseness. We are afterall supposed to be the most evolved creature on this planet. Have we not advanced past cave man days to still use such excuses? Will you not as individual men step up?...step beyond what makes a creature so basic?...will you not make yourself different from a lower animal? I ask you...and you should ask yourself. I know I can't be that rare. I know I can't be so insane. I know I can't be so unreasonable to ask such reasonable things. Do we all not seek to better ourselves in some way? Some financially, some socially, some spiritually and if different enough, some religiously.

 

I know there may be some out there to defend the whole stereotypical male behavior...but does such a thing bind a person to it irrevocably? I don't know...I don't know why that is ever used...why that is preferred than to make yourself more than what it is you are. That is the essence of being man...to go beyond that which binds the lesser.

 

I ask this of the men...the males who may read this and I ask you to spread this thought or idea. Imagine if you have a sister if you don't....a younger sister...don't you want the world of men to respect her? Don't you want them to look upon her and cherish her? Don't you wish her to hold onto innocence as long as she can? And by that which involves proving that, no...males don't want just sex from a girl. I wish that to be the minority thought...an idea that is minimal that it can be believed that only few males want such shallowness....so few that it would be like comparing them to conjoined twins who survive to adulthood.

 

So, that's that thought. I just wish that I could change the flow of one of the many streams and rivulets of the great river of life...and though I may not be able to dam up a tiny stream...I at least cast my pebble into it...to effect it somehow, no matter how insignificant.

 

---

 

Ok, back to the first stream of thought. This is something that is purely chance. It is something that could have happened to protect her in a sense. A while ago, I felt something tug at her...and didn't really know if I should tug or yank or just let go and let the rope fall where it may. Noone could really know what would have been but I let her go. Who wants a big brother looking over the shoulder making you uncomfortable right? So when I thought and assumed she was having fun, she wasn't...and the absence I gave her because I thought that was best she wanted me to save her.

 

She lost some innocence during that time...which I could have prevented. That's the hardest thing to deal with...chance. Who can say what's what? But just knowing that I could have but didn't...I failed in a sense.

 

So...if there are any males out there who have female friends. Please try to be true to them...I know you can fall in love and it would be beautiful and wonderful but sometimes that isn't the case. And if you happen to have a younger female friend(doesn't even have to be younger)...show them that there are guys out there who have noble hearts.

 

Yeah, this wasn't any kind of plea for assistance or to ask for anything...but any input is welcome. It is just community chatter I guess . If anything, is there any way I can help her get stronger? To overcome the need to fit in when she doesn't really want to? To find herself so she can stand strong against the winds of society?

 

thx

[Olivia_19742004]

All of this because of a kiss? Seems a little extreme..

[dudesomewhere]

no, things led to more...I just left it out

 

started with a kiss...I was looking at that and wondering if I should have put more...

[Olivia_19742004]

Heh. You probably should have put more in. As it reads now it made me think all they did was kiss her.

 

Hopefully, you've taught her how to say no. This will only keep happening until she does.

[moimeme]

She felt she had to because she thought that that's what all guys want. And to be accepted by them she had to be what they wanted.

 

Dude, your loyalty to her and desire to protect her is admirable, and it would be lovely if all men read your clarion call, their hearts were touched, and they'd mend their ways. Not gonna happen. Real life is difficult and full of bad situations and what she needed and still needs is to develop some mistrust. Yep, I know - people go off on me when I say this, but clearly it was a mistake for her to trust these guys and to give them what they wanted - possibly far too soon.

 

You can't help anybody - not your friend, not your kids, nobody - by hoping the world will change and tryng to protect them from the truth. The best favour you can do is to tell them straight up what to look out for and then help them develop defenses.

 

Tell your friend that many men are indeed out only for sex and that she should absolutely not fall for any BS any of them puts out. AND if they give her the feeling that they won't accept her unless she has sex with them, to send them packing because they are just jerks.

 

This girl needed to have this told her long ago. She's already fallen - twice - for the lines. Unfortunately, some gals don't get it and continue letting the same things happen. I hope you didn't give her any false impressions about how harsh life can be. If you did, go back and fix that. Yes, she can believe in someone - but someone who proves that he's trustworthy.

[dudesomewhere]

yeah...we covered that a little and that might be the only thing to focus on. She wants to trust people in general, she's had female friends be equally as bad but with the guys, you know it's that extra element, so it hurts more. She doesn't want to judge...but I ask her...maybe that's what she needs to do. When she sees or senses the bad...does she shrug it off or should she judge? I don't judge by appearance but I do by how someone behaves because it's only logical.

 

You know, when we were driving around I would look over to her to see how she was doing and she was all smiles and seeming to forget, that makes me feel so good. That is the greatest feeling to do for someone. I can't see how anyone can take something like that away.

[Fayebelle]

There have been a lot of threads about the pros and cons of having male/female friendships and I think this is proof positive of why those friendships aren't just good- they're necessary.

 

I am an only child and my father died when I was 5. From then until today I have relied on my male friends to show me how men should treat a lady. All of my "guys" are warm, protective, and respectful of my thoughts, body and boundaries. Because of them - I expect that much and more from my BFs.

 

Good for you for being a stand up man in her life. If you remain as considerate as you seem to be then you will play a major role in healing her wounds and preventing her from repeating the mistakes that have brought her such disappointment.

[moimeme]

She wants to trust people in general

 

So do we all, but growing up intact requires that you learn to recognize life as it is and then figure out how to cope with it rather than wishing it weren't so. I'm not saying be perennially mistrusting, just develop a healthy level of caution. Unfortunately, trustworthy people suffer a bit by this, but people should also realize that men and women alike cannot afford to hand over their hearts willy-nilly. It is wise to be cautious, and any man or worth having should understand that.

[YellowLioness]

I know what it's like to have a protector like that. Mine tried to keep me out of harm's way and the like, but I had to learn for myself that he was right. Darn it. Always... right... *twitch* lol.

 

Nick spoiled me, though. I got so used to the friendship that I made the mistake of thinking that every "nice" guy was like him. Nick and I used to go out for lunch (he'd always pay) to a movie (always pay) go with his parents to random places like Maine and Virginia (rents would pay for us). But, he was just nice. No alterior motives. Just wanted to hang out, and also believed in being a gentleman. I was just another part of his family.

 

 

 

Well, not every guy is nice for honest reasons. Some want to use you for sex, some want to get back at their girlfriends... Whatever. The only two guys that I've EVER had a good experience with are Nick, my best friend, and Wil, the guy that I'm getting engaged to.

 

had to learn the hard way about listening to guidence of those wiser then myself.

 

But, yes, as Nick would say, "I hate guys like that. They spoil all the nice chicks for the rest of us. So, if I tried to go on a date with *whoever we were talking about at the time who got screwed over boy her boyfriend* she'd be suspicious if I took her to a movie "just because."

 

All I can say is "keep your chin up."

 

Guys like you are few and far between.

[dudesomewhere]

man it's so hard for me...I try to focus on the happy and good parts and they balance out the negative I think but the, negative is like a scar...lingers and might never go away.

 

So at work I let some of the people, namely older women I know that I put in my 2 weeks. Older people love me and that means a lot to me...it just shows they really do see that I am different. ...and of course I appreciate it from women my age or demographic but that's usually only from the net as I tend to keep to myself . So I thank you ladies for that here.

 

The few women I talk to, namely just 2, they know who I am and one says she'll really miss me...said if she had a daughter I'm the type of guy she'd introduce to her. With the level of comfort I feel I tell them a bit about my friend. I also told them something I left out here...and this might help too. Her dad...he's a chauvinist type who cheated on her mom. But luckily they are together still...though in that strange "on meds" sort of acceptance kind of way.

 

So she likes to make people happy and I can only wonder about the correlation between it and her father. Needless to say she does not like him very much and it shows. But it hurts to know the situation...the fact that what her father did affects how she views herself when it comes to guys.

 

The 2 women have said what you guys have said too and it's depressing but understandable...in that strange universally accepted sense...you know how you know it but don't know quite why? The only thing I can really do is be there for her and hope she works it out on her own...and I hope she can do so without getting hurt further. I asked the ladies if there was anything else besides just being a true friend...anything that I could do to make her stronger...and they told me, it's all up to her...that she has to reach that point on her own. This is going to be one rough sea for me to ride out but I'm going to be there the whole time.

 

Hmm, what do you think would be the amount of time from when a friend helps another at this point...to realize what is what...do you think it'll be a long time? Something that might take a year or more or do you think less? Keep in mind her age of 19.