Attraction b/w GF and Male friend?

[bictric]

I have a girlfriend of a little over a year and I'm trying to deal with my jealousy issue. There's a male friend we've known for 2 years, G, that I have been feeling jealous about. He is also a good friend of mine and very genuine and known for being super nice. From seeing them interact together, it seems that they are really compatible with each other. They have conversations very easily and they love to joke and challenge each other's wits. There are several past events that I've noticed about them that make me uneasy:

 

1. This was the first time I noticed their compatibility and interest in each other. The three of us took a study break from finals to get food. While we were eating, the two of them were completely engrossed in conversation with each other. I would try to include myself here and there, but I honestly felt like I wasn't even there.

 

2. In general, they like to joke around a lot, and at times it borders on flirting.

 

3. On facebook, my gf mentioned that she was studying in the library but had a headache. G saw this and actually bought painkillers to give her and studied with her.

 

4. G confided in her about the death of his father. I'm pretty sure that he told this to very few other people, if any. He made a trip to his homeland later on to pay his respects, but told everyone who asked about his trip that he was simply visiting. I thought that at that point G was comfortable enough with me to share personal details about his life. However I found out about it through my gf.

 

These next ones are instances of other people noticing them:

 

5. This was before we dated. When we were hanging out with a big group of friends, she had to get something from his car, since he had given us a ride. They both went back to his car alone. As they were leaving, some of my friends gave each other sly looks, as if there was something going on between them.

 

6. I taught a dance workshop in which they both attended. I noticed that she would often be laughing and messing around with him while I was teaching. Later that night, a couple friends and I, including G, were talking. One of the friends who was also at the workshop made a comment to G: "She wants you. I wouldn't let my girlfriend near you". I know he obviously meant this as a joke, but why would he say that?

 

7. At her birthday surprise, our friends and I made her tell each of us what she liked about us. When she got to G, there was a moment of hesitation followed by giddiness. It's hard to explain, but it seemed as if she was about to confess her feelings for him. Anyways, another friend of ours, K, perceived it the same way and uttered my name in a pitying tone.

 

8. One time we were playing a word game and my gf and G were on the same team. They did well together and were good at guessing each other's words. Our friend K, who jokes about one day marrying G if they were ever old and still single, made a comment to my gf: "It's always you two. You know G's mine, right?" To which my gf responded "What are you talking about, I have (my name)".

 

I have talked to her about how I felt and she was very reassuring and understanding. She said she wasn't attracted to him, and that she would adjust her behavior and avoid one-on-one hangouts with him. I have since been trying to resolve these feelings of mine.

 

Recently she was chatting online with G. She was also having menstrual cramps and was in such pain that she had to continually halt the conversation and lay down. She didn't tell G why she was in pain, and just laid down and stopped talking to him. There was no medicine in her house so she couldn't do anything but wait it out. I gave her a call to try to take her mind off of it, but I couldn't offer any real help since we live an hour away. After I got off the phone, G ended up calling my gf to check up on her, offering to come to her place and give her painkillers. She felt better at the time however, so she didn't accept it. She told me this after and commented on how nice it was of him.

 

It may be just me, but I felt like he was overstepping a boundary by extending his help in this situation. I thought he was really going out of his way to help her. In my mind, I likened the situation to a boyfriend coming over to a girlfriend's house to take give her medicine and take care of her when she's sick.

 

Anyways, this raised my suspicion from the past that he is attracted to her. Is my jealousy founded, or am I overreacting?

[newmoon]

I just posted something similar - a situation where I am noticing my bf has a unique compatability with a a woman who isn't me. I have asked friends and family about this, and one of them whom I trust explained it for me a bit. She said that in our lives we will have people that we can have deep and meaningful friendships with, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything more is/or will go on with them. It's just a genuine friendship between two people. You, like me, might be slightly insecure and just have to get past those feelings and learn to trust your partner. Unless your gf has actually done anything then it's likely ok and just a strong friendship at this point. And the fact that she is willing to adjust her behavior and not see him one on one is a very positive sign :-)

[bictric]

How old are you guys ? It seems like she is more into him then into you. Why would it be a secret if his father died ? There are no boundaries. I think you have a right to feel insecure.

 

We are both 22. I don't know why he didn't want anyone to know, but the fact that he chose to tell her was evidence of how close he felt to her.

 

newmoon, I'm glad you're able to relate to me on this. I just find it alarming and honestly threatened when she's so compatible with someone else!

 

I really want to believe what you said.. but I still have this strong gut feeling. My gf has been very compromising and understanding in this thing, which I greatly appreciate. If not her, then maybe he's the one harboring feelings?

 

Do you think it would be ok for me to bring this up with her again?

Edited August 17, 2012 by bictric

[newmoon]

We are both 22. I don't know why he didn't want anyone to know, but the fact that he chose to tell her was evidence of how close he felt to her.

 

newmoon, I'm glad you're able to relate to me on this. I just find it alarming and honestly threatened when she's so compatible with someone else!

 

I really want to believe what you said.. but I still have this strong gut feeling. My gf has been very compromising and understanding in this thing, which I greatly appreciate. If not her, then maybe he's the one harboring feelings?

 

Do you think it would be ok for me to bring this up with her again?

 

 

someone just helped me out with my question too and i think they offered a great way to talk to my own partner without seeming jealou/controlling, etc. it might actually work for your situation too...

 

If his behavior bothers you tell him: "Honey, I'm starting to feel a bit weird with all the time you spend with her. If I start to feel like I come second I may start to re-evaluate this relationship.... Be friends with whoever you want. I'm just saying it's getting weird."

[bictric]

Thanks new moon

 

Does anyone else have opinions?

[Darren Steez]

She's your girlfriend not his, be thankful you have her before all this jealously eats you up and destroys what you have. Be the person you were when you two first got together,if she really wanted to be with this guy then she could have but she choose you. If it was a situation where you was blowing you off to hang with this dude then that's another matter.

 

You say this dude is a genuine guy and a friend of yours and super nice and that is what he is, unfortunately he straying onto your patch and as a man you feel threatened. If you do view this guy as competition then wage war...buy her flowers, take her out to eat, do special things for her...YOU'RE HER BOYFRIEND DAMMIT!!! Nine times out of ten you buy her a nice bunch of flowers or do something nice, she's all over you not him!