quankanne Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 f I hadn't been so brainwashed with ideas of commitment and honor, I never would have wasted half of my life. RZ, while I hate knowing that you spent so many years of your life unhappy in a relationship that was destroying you, standing up and fighting for your marriage is admirable. Not a lot of people would have given it the old college try, and to me it shows that you're a dude of honor. Not a lot of folks out there who are like that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 If you take the statistic that 50% of all first marriages stay together, and of the other 50% that get a divorce, 40% of those wish that they had stayed together, that means that slightly less than 75% of all first marriages either stay together or wish they had. That's quite a large percentage of people who want to stay married. Woulda, shoulda, coulda, isn't a statistic. That is just wishful thinking. It shows that they don't know what makes them happy. No wonder their marriages failed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 f I hadn't been so brainwashed with ideas of commitment and honor, I never would have wasted half of my life. RZ, while I hate knowing that you spent so many years of your life unhappy in a relationship that was destroying you, standing up and fighting for your marriage is admirable. Not a lot of people would have given it the old college try, and to me it shows that you're a dude of honor. Not a lot of folks out there who are like that Thank you. However you may not feel so positive after learning about my method of recovery. But I like to think I have spent my life being a standup guy. I have sure as hell tried. And I never once cheated on my wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Woulda, shoulda, coulda, isn't a statistic. That is just wishful thinking. It shows that they don't know what makes them happy. No wonder their marriages failed. It's a statistic of what percentage wishes that they had stayed married. It shows that they thought their life would be better without their spouse/marriage, but later discovered that it isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Thank you. However you may not feel so positive after learning about my method of recovery. But I like to think I have spent my life being a standup guy. I have sure as hell tried. And I never once cheated on my wife. I respect you for never cheating on your wife, but your method of recovery leaves something to be desired. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 I respect you for never cheating on your wife, but your method of recovery leaves something to be desired. For what it's worth, not that long ago I would have agreed. I never saw this one coming. I never could have imagined that this could be my life one day. But the years are running short and there is no time to waste. I'm not wasting another moment if I can help it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 My wife and I..17 yrs and going strong. We love each other more now than when we were dating. That's what I thought, too. Then came year 18. No offense intended to you at all, standtall. I'm just still bitter. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Some people are compatible. Some are not. Humanity has tried for centuries to find a magic formula for "true love". They never found one. In old times people stayed married for life because they assumed that marriages were for life, like one todat has to accept that Death is inevitable. Were those marriages of old based on eternal love. Hell, no. Most of them were but a contract. Most women weren't allowed to sustain themselves and so they had to "sell" their bodies and wombs in order to be fed. Sort of legal prostitution. We can't force someone to love us. And we can't force ourselves to love someone for the rest of our days. I strongly believe that some feelings last a lifetime (maybe that's what one can call "Love"). Others, like sexual lust, fade after some years (or even months). That's life, folks. So it has always been. So shall it always be. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 That's what I thought, too. Then came year 18. We've made it past year 18! I love him, want him, need him so, so much. He's so much a part of me at this point, I'd rather lose a limb than lose him. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 We've made it past year 18! I love him, want him, need him so, so much. He's so much a part of me at this point, I'd rather lose a limb than lose him. Love it! I was married to a beautiful, elegant woman for 12+ years. Not perfect, but I was deeply in love with her. But, fate had other plans and illness took her too soon. Anyway, today's society, stressors are the main culprit for the deterioration of the institution in my mind. Way too many unreasonable and dangerous expectations on both sexes... OFF TOPIC: Love your avatar, XXOO! Bugs and Gossamer! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 Anyway, today's society, stressors are the main culprit for the deterioration of the institution in my mind. Way too many unreasonable and dangerous expectations on both sexes... Could you elaborate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 I strongly believe that some feelings last a lifetime (maybe that's what one can call "Love"). Others, like sexual lust, fade after some years (or even months). Do you assume then that anyone who gets divorced wasn't really in love? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 I'm just still bitter. This week was the first time in probably fifteen years [two years officially into separation and divorce now] that I thought about things and didn't feel angry anymore. I am finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 It's a statistic of what percentage wishes that they had stayed married. It shows that they thought their life would be better without their spouse/marriage, but later discovered that it isn't. In no way does that imply that they would be happier if they had never left or went back. If this was generally true, more divorced couples would remarry. And that is extremely rare. So that isn't a statistic, it is what they would like to believe. Statistically it means nothing unless they actually remarry and live happily ever after. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Marriage doesn't work well for men who can't keep their dick in their pants. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 Marriage doesn't work well for men who can't keep their dick in their pants. I kept mine in my pants and it didn't work well for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 I kept mine in my pants and it didn't work well for me.What was she like prior to getting married and how long did it take before your marriage became sexless? Were there any children by the time your marriage became sexless? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 What was she like prior to getting married and how long did it take before your marriage became sexless? Were there any children by the time your marriage became sexless? Prior to getting married I thought we had a great sex life. Looking back, I now realize that she started cutting me off on the night of our honeymoon, or thereabouts. I'm pretty sure we didn't have sex that night. She first mentioned that she was having female problems just before we got married. After that, for some years it was still good but sex was a rare treat. After fifteen years it was completely over. I went another ten years without any sex. She was unable to have children. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Prior to getting married I thought we had a great sex life. Looking back, I now realize that she started cutting me off on the night of our honeymoon, or thereabouts. I'm pretty sure we didn't have sex that night. She first mentioned that she was having female problems just before we got married. After that, for some years it was still good but sex was a rare treat. After fifteen years it was completely over. I went another ten years without any sex. She was unable to have children.Why didn't you leave her after a year or less, of abstinence? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 Why didn't you leave her after a year or less, of abstinence? I wonder how many times I've asked myself this question? After a good bit of soul searching, here is my best answer. I loved her, I believed her excuses, I accepted her rationalizations, I was raised in an abusive family and dove right into an abusive relationship, I didn't want to accept that our entire marriage was a lie, and I believed in lifetime commitments. When I said "I do", I meant it. And I always wanted to believe that some how we would work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 I wonder how many times I've asked myself this question? After a good bit of soul searching, here is my best answer. I loved her, I believed her excuses, I accepted her rationalizations, I was raised in an abusive family and dove right into an abusive relationship, I didn't want to accept that our entire marriage was a lie, and I believed in lifetime commitments. When I said "I do", I meant it. And I always wanted to believe that some how we would work things out.If you take all this into consideration, do you believe that everyone else's marriages, situations and personalities are the same as your ex-wife and yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Studies find on average married people are more happy, but to some extent this is because happy people are more likely to get married and more likely to stay married. Happy people are, in fact, more likely to get married. In other words, married people start off happier than those who remain single. They also start off happier than the people who eventually divorce. I think people who are not happy and are looking for someone to make them happy, think they found that and marry, are less likely to have a happy marriage. I'm happily married 25 years later, but I was happy before I was married too. Marriage has brought more depth to my happiness, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Wow I definitely would have cheated long before ten years with no sex. Sorry folks but it's true. I couldn't have suffered like RobertZ for all that time without doing something about it.Why wouldn't you have gotten a divorce? At least this way, you retain integrity, instead of stooping to lying and deceit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 If you take all this into consideration, do you believe that everyone else's marriages, situations and personalities are the same as your ex-wife and yourself? Of course not. As I indicated in the first post, every married person I know well is unhappy. I do know one guy who still has a good sex life and isn't actually miserable, but happy...? I don't think so. Looking back on my parents, I know they weren't happy. Hell, eventually I realized that my dad didn't even really want kids. He was just trapped. In fact, I knew this deep down even as a child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 Wow I definitely would have cheated long before ten years with no sex. Sorry folks but it's true. I couldn't have suffered like RobertZ for all that time without doing something about it. I'm making up for it now at the speed of light! Link to post Share on other sites
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