Is marriage mostly a failed institution?

[KathyM]

What I Wish I Had Known Before I Got Divorced

 

Topic(s): Home Page, Separation and Divorce

9 Comments

 

MARRIAGE MISSIONS NOTE: At the end of this article, we will have a web site link to a related article that you might benefit from reading, as well.

Five friends and I were having breakfast one morning when our conversation turned to our friend Cindy*. She was convinced divorce was the answer to her problems.

“I wish Cindy would listen to us,” I said.

“She made it clear she doesn’t want to hear anything from us divorcées,” said Betsy. “She’s made up her mind, and she’s not changing it.”

That morning, in utter frustration, my friends and I compiled a list: what we wish we’d known before we got divorced —the things we wanted Cindy to know before she made her final decision. Each of us had experienced the upheaval of divorce and watched 12 of our close friends’ second marriages end.

We all knew Cindy wasn’t casually deciding to end her marriage —few people do. Divorce is one of the most agonizing choices a couple makes. We understood the anger, panic, abandonment, and feelings of being trapped that lead many people to divorce. But we’d also experienced the “other side” of being single again. We’d seen the lives of our children changed forever. Years later, we continue to live with the ongoing pain and complications of a destroyed marriage.

As a licensed psychologist, I’ve heard many people consider the possibility of ending their marriage. They look at divorce as a solution to their marital woes, a viable answer to their pain and frustration. Ultimately, however, it creates only different problems. In a recent study by the Institute for American Values chaired by sociologist Linda Waite of the University of Chicago, researchers asked, “Does divorce make people happy?” They found that those who ended their troubled marriage in divorce weren’t any happier than those who remained married. In fact, two-thirds of those who stayed married reported happy marriages five years later.

Here’s the list we compiled for Cindy.

1. Life will change more than you realize “I thought I’d enjoy being alone,” says Lori, who has never remarried. “But I’m lonely. Whenever my friends complain about how needy their husbands or children are, I say, ‘Try living without that.’”

Andy, like Lori, hasn’t remarried. “I didn’t expect to miss odd things like the towels folded neatly, shopping for groceries together, or the Saturday routine we’d established,” he says. After his divorce, Andy realized how much the familiar, everyday things of married life meant to him.

Add children to the equation, and the result is even stickier. Instead of two people parenting your children, if you have custody, you’re left to do it all —alone. You become the sole breadwinner, spiritual adviser, disciplinarian, housekeeper. The stress levels of this responsibility can become staggering.

Then there are the scheduling dilemmas. Recently, my friend Betsy and I were discussing how complicated it can be to see our sons during a short college break. Although we both cooperate with our ex-husbands, we still ache as we watch our innocent children bear the heavy responsibility of carefully doling out their time between the families in an effort not to alienate either parent.

Although the everyday occurrences can create plenty of challenges after divorce, the special occasions are worse. Every birthday, holiday, wedding, or funeral is a potential nightmare. Allison told me, “At my future daughter-in-law’s wedding, she’s planning to walk down the aisle by herself because she has multiple fathers and is torn between her allegiances. My heart breaks for her.” These problems don’t end when the children grow up and marry. The hassles continue with the grandchildren.

Even if you remarry, the consequences of your divorce continue to impact your life. Jan Coleman, author of After the Locusts, was single —again for 12 years before marrying Carl. As good as her present marriage is, she doesn’t hesitate to say what a dramatic change it made in her life.

“Yes, you can love and trust again,” she says. “But the first marriage is God’s best, his design. We weren’t meant to give up on it, but to work through all the struggles to God’s glory and our best. The tearing of the flesh may heal, but the scars are always there. Remarriage can be great in many ways if you marry for the right reasons, but it’s still not the same.”

2. Your life won’t be more carefree

As a self-confident, independent woman with a fast-moving career and no children, Stephanie couldn’t wait to be free of the pain of her dying marriage.

“I would no longer have to put with up his problems,” she says. “I’d be able to do what I wanted when I wanted. But after the divorce, it was my career and my home that began to hold me hostage. I was imprisoned by all the things I thought made me look good.”

Divorce never brought the carefree lifestyle Stephanie had expected.

There are those seemingly hidden emotional wounds that can pop open when we least expect or which we learn to expect on special anniversaries. Jan Coleman says, “Every Christmas, I become depressed. After 20 years it still hits me suddenly, without warning. I was first married in December, and my childhood sweetheart left me for another woman 15 Decembers later. Every year I have a weepy week.”

Jan’s second husband understands and gives her the space “to grieve again for the loss of that ideal family I spent my life imagining. There are times when it hits him too. You’re never free from the effects of that broken first marriage.”

I know this truth from personal experience. Recently, I began dating someone who’s divorced. Because of our pasts, we have several barriers in our current relationship —one of which is the fear of trusting and loving again.

3. You trade one set of problems for another

Even the most amiable break-ups bring deep wounds. There are always consequences to divorce.

“What I didn’t anticipate,” says Brad, who hasn’t remarried, “was the way my friends perceived me. All of a sudden I became damaged goods. One couple, who’d been my close friends for 20 years, became cool toward me after the divorce.”

There’s a ripple effect. Your divorce doesn’t just affect you and your spouse. It affects everyone around you. Friends often feel as if they must pick sides, so they keep their distance. Relationships with those who do remain loyal change abruptly. Church friends may stay away, feeling uncomfortable. And family members who’ve grown to love and care for the ex feel forced to “divorce” as well.

Then there are the financial ramifications. Dividing the assets isn’t always done equitably. Vern was left with only 31 percent of his retirement account even though his ex-wife worked and they had no children together. At the age of 49, this circumstance was a blow to his retirement plans.

If there’s a remarriage, blending children from previous marriages brings problems that can range from emotional chaos to stoic tolerance. A recently remarried friend said, “My life is more complicated than ever. I’ve put all this effort into a new marriage, but we’re struggling. My new stepson ignores me. His attitude is, ‘I’m here to be with my dad and that’s it.’ I feel horrible —like a second class citizen in my own home.”

4. Feelings can be deceiving Kathy, who was in her twenties and newly married, learned that following her feelings can have tragic consequences.

“My husband was away a lot, and most evenings I was home alone. I felt lonely and empty. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and wondered why I ever got married.

“When I met a man who made me feel alive and passionate about life, I concluded these feelings of excitement confirmed I was no longer in love with my husband.

“Rather than praying and giving my concerns to God, I took the situation in my own hands and moved out. I was convinced I’d made a mistake in getting married.”

Still single five years later, Kathy wishes some wise woman would have come alongside her, prayed with her, and gently reminded her that love is a choice and a commitment, not an emotion.

When my son was 6 years old, he’d complain about being disciplined for disobeying what he called my “stupid rules.” Over and over I’d repeat, “Kyle, I’m being short-term mean, but long-term nice.”

Like children, we sometimes allow our desire for momentary pleasure to pull us from God’s best. Rather than doing the hard work it takes to invest daily in our marriage, we make seemingly innocent decisions thinking they’ll do no harm.

Our friend Cindy didn’t listen to us. She opted for the divorce. Sadly she wasn’t willing to persevere and uncover the lost treasures that first drew her and her husband together. With God’s help, her current pain or discontentment could have been transformed into long-term joy and abundant blessings. Like my son learned many years ago, short-term pain can indeed lead to long-term gain.

*Names have been changed

The above article appeared in Marriage Partnership Magazine, (Summer, 2005). We truly loved this magazine, when it was being published and wish it was back in publication.

Georgia Shaffer, author of A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss (Vine Brooks), is a speaker and licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania in the United States of America. Visit Georgia at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com.

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[quankanne]

but are you saying you like his hair?

[Robert Z]

The article I read that showed 40% of all couples who divorced wished that they had stayed together could be accessed at www.smartmarriages.com but I can no longer retrieve the article. Here is a similar article showing a large percentage of couples who wished they had stayed married: http://www.marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2003/January/divorce.aspx

 

It also shows that 85% of couples who reported being unhappy in their marriage showed significant improvement in their marriage five years later

 

The point is still moot. The fact that they don't remarry is what matters. The only point of contention was whether most marriages end by mutual consent. If they really wanted to remarry, they would.

[threebyfate]

I guess you are a statistical anomaly since half of the marriages around you should fail. Or, more likely, maybe you are the one with the perception problem.

 

I have listened to the complaining and misery for years. When close friends and relatives are miserable, they usually want to talk about it. As I have stated before, even my sister is now in a sexless marriage. And her and her husband were as much in love as anyone I've ever known.

Perception problem when the marriages around me are decade to many decades long of happy marriages?

 

Your logic doesn't work if you attempt to negate my experience as one of happy marriages, then use a completely different set of measures for your environment.

 

If 50% marriages fail, then why around me has there only been one divorce out of dozens, where the rest are happy? And why around you, are they unhappy or failed, at the rate of 100%?

 

Hello? Anyone home?

[Robert Z]

Perception problem when the marriages around me are decade to many decades long of happy marriages?

 

Your logic doesn't work if you attempt to negate my experience as one of happy marriages, then use a completely different set of measures for your environment.

 

If 50% marriages fail, then why around me has there only been one divorce out of dozens, where the rest are happy? And why around you, are they unhappy or failed, at the rate of 100%?

 

Hello? Anyone home?

 

I was merely citing the statistics. I guess you are lucky. But the statistics still are what they are. Are you particularly religious? Do all of these people believe in divorce?

[Robert Z]

Also, unhappy isn't the same as failed. Just because people remain married that doesn't mean they are happy. As for why I see only bad? Dunno. It is what it is. But most are still married. Of course a couple of people that I know from work are on their second marriage. Two immediate family members are divorced, one recently so.

[Woggle]

Perception problem when the marriages around me are decade to many decades long of happy marriages?

 

Your logic doesn't work if you attempt to negate my experience as one of happy marriages, then use a completely different set of measures for your environment.

 

If 50% marriages fail, then why around me has there only been one divorce out of dozens, where the rest are happy? And why around you, are they unhappy or failed, at the rate of 100%?

 

Hello? Anyone home?

 

Maybe most of the marriages around you are happy but if you look at the world in general marriage as an institution clearly is not working for many people. I am happily married but you can't blame anybody for being cynical.

[M30USA]

Oftentimes men stay in a marriage for fear of losing the children or financial assets, and women stay in a marriage because they depend on their husband to bring home the bacon and allow them to raise the kids.

[Robert Z]

Maybe most of the marriages around you are happy but if you look at the world in general marriage as an institution clearly is not working for many people. I am happily married but you can't blame anybody for being cynical.

 

Does it really have to be cynicism, or might scepticism be a better term? I don't see how being honest is automatically cynicism. It all makes me wonder if marriage needs to be redefined... or to keep the religious folks happy, renamed and redefined. For a time there was talk of a five year contract that was automically void unless both parties agreed to renew it. But I don't know what ever came of that. Maybe limited marriage licenses and serial monogomy makes more sense for some people. Perhaps there should be lesser forms of marriage that come with the same basic benefits, but without the classic definition of marriage... a marriage that doesn't assume "until death do us part".

[Woggle]

It is cynicism because a truly happy marriage is a beautiful thing. I wouldn't trade mine for anything but if somebody has never seen an example of a happy one you can't blame them for being skeptical.

[Gunny376]

Although its been awhile ~ and off hand I don't recall the exact book that I read at the time citing it ~ (Crazy Time ~ a book about the craziness of going thorough a divorce ~ 90% sure it was this book. I READ a lot and subscribe to a lot of magazines and such)

 

When it comes to statistics ~ which I'm good at and have multiplie college level courses under my belt, I always defer to Mark Twain's quote about lies ~ There are three different types of lies! Lies! Damned Lies! And Statistics!"

 

I've actually have a book in my library on the subject of 'How To Lie With Stastics" ~ which is why I believe statistics are so often quoted and mis-quoted.

 

I wrote the above as a 'qualtification' ~ aka ~ a "Yea But!"

 

Statistically Frist time marriages have on an American National Average somewhere around a 50% divorce rate. Although I've heard that the statistics for second and third, fourth, fifth time marriages ~ divorce rates are even higher than first time marriages? In and as a general rules one can add somewhere around 10% to each successive marriage past the frist marriage.

 

Even this is relative and subjective to a numerous number of different variables that can be plugged into the "marriage/divorce equation" Race, relgion, geographical location, spousal occupation of both spouses, family background, etc to infinity are ALL FACTORS that affect to outcome of any single relationship ~ let alone a marriage.

 

Certainly ~ the very definition of what the word "marriage" constitues? Varies from one generation to another. And the concept and definition of 'marriage' varies from one individual to another ~ from one country to another ~ from one religoin to another ~ etc. "What is one man's trash is another man's treasure!"

 

Human diversity alone is the "wild card" ~ Pretty much like saying "All cards are wild!" in playing a game of poker or other card games?

 

If your attempting to apply logic and reasoning to the human dynamic, interpersonal relationships, marriage? Your on a fool's errand. The men in the white coats with the straight jacket and butterfly net will come and take you away.

 

Anyway, getting back to "Crazy Times" Half of all American (and Western Society marriages end in divorce. Something like 64% of all second time divorce marriages end in divorce, with something like 74 % of all third time marriages end in divorce.

 

Getting back to just first time marriages. Of the other fifty perscent (or so) that stay married? Most if not the vast majority stay married for religious resons, financial resons, societial, cultural, reasons, etc ~ the status quo ~ "What would the family, the neighbors, the church congregation, the neighborhood say ~ think?

 

Only about 13 percent out of the remaining 50% of the first time marriages that remain married? Report that they are happily married.

[threebyfate]

I was merely citing the statistics. I guess you are lucky. But the statistics still are what they are. Are you particularly religious? Do all of these people believe in divorce?

Some are religious, some aren't. They all believe in divorce.

 

Maybe most of the marriages around you are happy but if you look at the world in general marriage as an institution clearly is not working for many people. I am happily married but you can't blame anybody for being cynical.

What has this got to do with what I posted, in reference to questioning his inability to apply same logic to both situations?

[Radu]

What I Wish I Had Known Before I Got Divorced

 

Topic(s): Home Page, Separation and Divorce

9 Comments

 

 

The article is very very good.

 

It points at some of the reasons mentioned in this thread about why ppl choose to divorce.

Kathy's case is a textbook case from Women's Infidelity.

[angie2443]

How many people do you know extremely well who have been married at least ten years, who are truly happy in their marriage. It ocurred to me the other day that I don't know anyone who is. No one in my family is happy. None of my friends are happy. We didn't know it then, but by the ten year mark my wife and I were already on our way down. And my experience left me so bitter that only now am I beginning to see the light of day and starting to feel half human again.

 

Based on what I now know about both men and women, I am starting to think compatibility is as much driven by hormones as is the drive to reproduce. Once the hormones and the thrill is gone, what's left? For a lucky few there seems to be a lifetime compatibility, but for most people it doesn't seem to work that way. About half of all marriages end in divorce. And I would bet that at least half of all those who stay married are miserable. If this is respresentitive, then perhaps 25% of all marriages result in happy couples. And I would bet even that 25% struggles more than not. I would bet that less than 10% of couples are truly happy and still married, after a decade.

 

I had a friend who was very active in the community and spend a lot of time visiting with his retired friends. He once observed that as married couples got older they grew more and more distant from each other. Eventually many or most moved to separate bedrooms and had completely separate lives. The marriage was really just a convenience and a matter of financial security. Given the means, most probably would gladly go their separate ways. And I suspect this is true of many older married couples. The marriage is really about money and security, not love.

 

I am beginning to wonder if men and women are fundamentally incompatible. What see here and almost everywhere else, is heartbreak and misery. Marriage nearly destroyed me. Now that I've started to recover, I am seeing that friends and relatives are no better off than I was. It is all starting to seem like a cruel joke.

 

I don't know you, and maybe it's your bitterness that gave me this impression, but, in your other thread you come across to me as a man who thought a woman was to become a servant once she became married. I have seen this attitude in some men and seen marriages destroyed by it. When someone starts taking another person for granted to the extant that they expect that person to do all the dirty work around the house, you can be sure that the love that was there, is going to be killed. It seems to me that many people start threads like this, because they don't want take responsibility for the failure of their relationship. It may be painful to acknowledge, but there are plenty of happy couples out there. Yes, there are plenty of unhappy people in marriages. Is that the fault of the marriage? Maybe, maybe not. There are single people who are happy, and single people who are misserable. Is the reason for their emotional state directly related to their bieng single? I guess my point is , before you make broad generalizations like this, look at yourself and how you treated your ex. Would you want to be married to someone like you? I certainly wouldn't. By the way, I've been married for quite a while now. We had our rough moments in the beginning, but grew from them instead of withdrawing from each other or running away. This is one way to make a relationship work.

[frozensprouts]

maybe some marriages stay together because of religion, but many that stay together do so for one simple reason...they want to.

 

I don't stay with my husband because of religion ( I'm agnostic, he's an atheist)...we stay together because we love each other and are happy...

 

seems like the more I read on marriages today, the more a sense of entitlement comes across..seems many feel they they are entitled, purely by the nature of the fact that they exist, to have "happiness" handed to them by someone else...but life doesn't work that way. The happiness you get in a marriage comes from being in a partnership with someone you love, and you have to give just as much as you get...

 

Seems to that there are an awful lot of couples who feel they "have' to get married, and spend way too much time planning he wedding and not enough time on planning the marriage. The sense of entitlement really comes across there ( think couples who expect a huge extravagant party or "bridezillass" and feel let down if the least little thing goes wrong). There is no law that says one "has"t o get married...if you don't like the institution of marriage, then don't get married. The fault really lies not with the institution, but with the people entering into it.Live together, date, be single, whatever, but don't get married....

[Robert Z]

I don't know you, and maybe it's your bitterness that gave me this impression, but, in your other thread you come across to me as a man who thought a woman was to become a servant once she became married.

 

Nothing could be farther from the truth. I married a woman who had this attitude about men.

 

Tell me, what specifically gave you this impression. Show me that you're not just judging based on my sex. I think you are.

[Bittersweetie]

seems like the more I read on marriages today, the more a sense of entitlement comes across..seems many feel they they are entitled, purely by the nature of the fact that they exist, to have "happiness" handed to them by someone else...but life doesn't work that way. The happiness you get in a marriage comes from being in a partnership with someone you love, and you have to give just as much as you get...

 

I would agree with this. During the course of my introspection after d-day, I realized that I had been looking for my husband to make my happiness for me. And when that wasn't happening, I began to resent him, and eventually looked for someone else to fill in the gaps.

 

Now, I know that only I can control my own happiness. I look at my husband as enhancing my happiness. And I try as hard as I can to enhance his. Yeah, it's not rainbows and unicorns all the time, but I think this outlook has made our relationship stronger and happier.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Of course not. As I indicated in the first post, every married person I know well is unhappy. I do know one guy who still has a good sex life and isn't actually miserable, but happy...? I don't think so. Looking back on my parents, I know they weren't happy. Hell, eventually I realized that my dad didn't even really want kids. He was just trapped. In fact, I knew this deep down even as a child.

 

Please define this "happiness" of which you speak.

 

I'm serious. I think that people have unrealistic expectations of being made "happy" by a relationship, or by several other factors external to themselves.

[Els]

You folks do know that in several countries, there is the option of a de facto partnership that basically offers the legal benefits of a marriage, without its permanent commitment. If that is what you want, why not go for that? Leave marriage and the folks who want it alone, and do what is best for you. Everyone wins.

[Got it]

I back it out a little more and look at romantic relationships in general and the happiness level in them. Then back it out further and look at the happiness level of the people in it. Are most people glass half full or glass half empty?

 

I think, in general, people find it easier to be in, and perceive the negative of life than the positive. It is easier to fixate on the glass half full than to look towards to the positives especially in our daily interactions with our loved ones. Being happy in a partnership takes WORK and it is not something that is going to coast along with no effort or energy. Keeping any type of partnership positive takes both parties actively putting time, energy and resources into it.

 

I don't think people learned/trained/taught that relationships, especially romantic ones, take effort every day to keep them on the right page. We just assume that things start off great, everything is sunshine and roses and it will just maintain like that. It doesn't.

 

I don't believe that marriage is a successful or failed institution. It is what it is. People may be changing where set up and perimeters of marriage are not meshing as well as in the past. Divorce hasn't been a socially acceptable avenue for very long. I do believe that if divorce was acceptable farther back in time you would have seen more of it. Plus the ability for women to control their reproductive rights/ability. Those two, hand and hand, have allowed men and women more freedom.

 

Marriage isn't bad and it isn't good. It is only defined by the two parties in it. Regardless of how they are classifying their status.