Almost two months NC

[rhw]

Yeah, so i've made it through almost two months of NC. I'm finding I'm reaching the anger stage. any way that i look at the way he walked away from me w/o a word just burns me to where no explanation he could give 5 months after disappearing on me could override the actions that speak loudly, "i don't give a sh*t about you." well, believing that makes me physically ill and part of me refuses to (like i said, we never officially ended it and he *will* be back) but then when i try to believe there must be a reason for ghosting on me, i come right back to what the hell did he think i'd do if he was just honest with me about not wanting to go on? and then i get all worked up again.

 

but the point is, I HAVE NOT reached out at all. I don't want/need an explanation anymore and none will suffice. i miss him though, terribly, not the idea of him but HIM. i don't know how to disentangle myself from the love but i am getting pretty damn fed up with him. he is either spineless or heartless (i don't fully believe that)... but either way he is - LESS than what i am worth. i just have to keep telling myself this.

[MissBee]

Hi rhw,

 

I can definitely empathize. Anger helps...I preferred the anger stage than just the sad and feeling bad stage.

 

Who knows his motives. My exAP did something similar and I was very angry and hated him for it...in the end it was the best thing for me though. We had absolutely no communication for a year. He did come back after that year to explain himself...but the point is that as much as it hurt that he didn't end it with a discussion and just went ghost, I kinda feel like it had to be that way. We had tried the mutual, talk it through, let's be friends thing and it absolutely hadn't worked, so although it hurt, I think it was better that way. Maybe you'll find it the best solution in the end for you too?

 

Keep up the good work and just tell yourself that everything happens for a reason and whether he is in fact heartless/spineless/or has some good reason, it doesn't matter right now, as you're taking this as a silver lining to move on. The good news is that when you do move on, you start to feel your own closure and then it only remains a curiosity but nothing that bothers you, and if he ever explains or not, it won't affect your life.

[jwi71]

Yeah, so i've made it through almost two months of NC. I'm finding I'm reaching the anger stage. any way that i look at the way he walked away from me w/o a word just burns me to where no explanation he could give 5 months after disappearing on me could override the actions that speak loudly, "i don't give a sh*t about you." well, believing that makes me physically ill and part of me refuses to (like i said, we never officially ended it and he *will* be back) but then when i try to believe there must be a reason for ghosting on me, i come right back to what the hell did he think i'd do if he was just honest with me about not wanting to go on? and then i get all worked up again.

 

but the point is, I HAVE NOT reached out at all. I don't want/need an explanation anymore and none will suffice. i miss him though, terribly, not the idea of him but HIM. i don't know how to disentangle myself from the love but i am getting pretty damn fed up with him. he is either spineless or heartless (i don't fully believe that)... but either way he is - LESS than what i am worth. i just have to keep telling myself this.

 

Remember this. Print it out. Tattoo it to your forehead.

 

He CHOOSE to "disappear". He isn't stupid, he knows that it would have - to put it mildly - a negative impact on you. He did it anyway.

 

Let your emotions run their course.

 

Now... distract yourself. Here's some homework for you - to keep you occupied.

 

Post, in some detail, what the particle-wave duality is.

[sleepie]

Remember this. Print it out. Tattoo it to your forehead.

 

He CHOOSE to "disappear". He isn't stupid, he knows that it would have - to put it mildly - a negative impact on you. He did it anyway.

 

Let your emotions run their course.

 

Now... distract yourself. Here's some homework for you - to keep you occupied.

 

Post, in some detail, what the particle-wave duality is.

 

I admit that I love jwi's homework. I also admit that I looked up particle-wave duality.

[Emme]

I just wanted to say congratulations on your 2 months. You are doing wonderfully. Keep that chin up.

[alexandria35]

I just wanted to say congratulations on your 2 months. You are doing wonderfully. Keep that chin up.

 

..Ditto...

[rhw]

thanks. this is the hardest thing i've ever done.

 

i was thinking; ML, if you are reading or have read my post, i hope it gives you the initiative to at least *try* to baby-step forward. i was where you are at now though i think every forum member has said the same thing and you still don't want to see it, and you won't until you've had enough. actually you're crossing a very dangerous line now and for your own sake, you need to back away. however much my MM loved me before or if he still does, this very blatant fact remains: he left me w/o a word or explanation or even apology which simply means at this present time, to him i am not even worth the effort to explain or to apologize. how the hell is that love?! or even friendship or even f'ing CARING as a person? I feel sick enough to my stomach (heartsick too) that he did that to me, that the one man in the world I loved and trusted the most could do that to me so thoughtlessly. Do I really need to decimate my integrity further by pressing him for whatever he obviously isn't going to give me (answers, the love we had before)? NO!

 

jwi- you are right. my MM *chose* to disappear, knowing full well that it is the one thing that makes me feel the most vulnerable and would surely do tremendous damage. he knew it and he did it anyway. particle wave duality; are you a quantum physicist? lol

 

LFH- i don't understand it either. he knows i'm so much stronger than him or anyone he's

 

miss bee - a whole year, really?! wow. sorry to hear about that. what was your reaction when you finally heard from your xAP? i imagine i'd just make mine listen to "Call Me When You're Sober" i mean, really... "don't cry to me, if you loved me, you would be here with me/ you want me, come find me, make up your mind!" btw, why didn't trying to stay friends work for you and your xAP? Our friendship isn't a friendship if he's still having to hide me!

 

Emme - thanks! i know two months is nothing when he and i have gone many months NC in the past but this is the first time i've really pushed myself to not contact him. every day is a struggle but i won't do it because i already said all i needed to say. he knows i'm hurt and angry and still i get nothing. so he gets nothing from me. and though i have this pic i want to send him (not a naked pic! LOL just one of my legs in a playful pose wearing some killer shiny red heels), i won't because i do not wanna reopen the wound. i just can't.

 

thanks, alexandria!

Edited August 18, 2012 by rhw

[whichwayisup]

he left me w/o a word or explanation or even apology which simply means at this present time, to him i am not even worth the effort to explain or to apologize. how the hell is that love?! or even friendship or even f'ing CARING as a person? I feel sick enough to my stomach (heartsick too) that he did that to me, that the one man in the world I loved and trusted the most could do that to me so thoughtlessly. Do I really need to decimate my integrity further by pressing him for whatever he obviously isn't going to give me (answers, the love we had before)? NO!

 

So ouch! But on some level this is a great thing that you see this because YOU KNOW you're worth so much more. He is showing you how capable he is of being cruel and hurtful. It's intentional and when dealing with people like this, it's best to forget them and move on. He isn't worthy of ONE of your precious tears. Or your kind heart.

[Leelou]

I don't know if this will help you at all, but I almost did the same thing to MM just recently.. I was thinking just to go NC (and I did for a few days, before sending him a break-up text with a simple explanation of my thoughts) because I was just thinking What is the Use? It's not like anything is going to change. It's not like he will really give me answers.

 

I think sometimes, when a person sees a problem / issue and 'knows' there really isn't a real solution, that they feel just walking away is simpler.

Not kinder.

Just simpler for THEM.

 

Sorry for you. I know that's got to hurt.

[rhw]

So ouch! But on some level this is a great thing that you see this because YOU KNOW you're worth so much more. He is showing you how capable he is of being cruel and hurtful. It's intentional and when dealing with people like this, it's best to forget them and move on. He isn't worthy of ONE of your precious tears. Or your kind heart.

 

thanks. for 11 years i held him to a much higher esteem because i never, ever believed he was capable of doing this to me. hell, 6 months ago when i finally admitted my deepest vulnerability* to him, he said he'd never walked away from me. and i remember thanking him for being the one who always stayed. he'd wanted to see me but w/ reservations saying i was in an emotional spot over a guy (Rebound Guy, my current real best friend) and he didn't wanna be in a rescuing position even accidentally (read: falling into bed w/ me which is easy to do with us). i told him flat out that he should've already known i've never needed rescuing. so he knows i'm strong and he knows ALL my positive traits and all my not so great ones. he knows me inside out, so how he could ever be capable of hurting me so deeply, i can't fathom.

 

* my deepest vulnerability: when i was a little kid, my f pulled me by my pigtails and slammed my head into a mirror, made me sit in front of it and repeat, "no one will ever stay with me" while i was crying and bleeding. i told this to MM (he knows my entire history but i never told him this one because it was always the reason i would never let people in- my deepest, deepest insecurity). so for MM to actually DO that after initially telling me (and having shown me) that he'd never walked away. god, i can't wrap my head around that one

 

Leelou- thanks. it does suck sooo very much. and there is a real solution here; he could leave her. he's choosing not to. heaven give me strength to get to where he is as insignificant to me as i am to him now such that when he comes around asking how i am, i simply won't need to respond or just respond with "fine. live your life. let me finally live mine." because i won't do to him what he did to me (walk away w/o a word). i don't know if i will ever say that. but i know short of seeing signed, processed D papers, i am never letting him back in again. Ever. In fact, if he even so much as emails me and that ring is still on his fingers, i'll just block him then ( i won't forward it to his wife. i'm not about retaliation and i will not force anyone's hand.)

Edited August 18, 2012 by rhw

[RickFox]

From a male perspective, it gets easier (NC). Give it time, use that anger and let it remind you of how he walked away from you with no explanation, how all those lovely words that swept you off your feet now mean nothing. Remind yourself that ACTIONS speak so much louder than those petty words. This is what he thought of you, this is what he thinks of you....remember that and march forward.

[rhw]

True, thanks! however, ironically for over a decade, with him it was never about the words. in fact, he didn't shower me with compliments or tell me i was beautiful. he showed it. it was obvious. when supporting me, it was in actual support. the only words he ever said were, "i never left you."

 

well, he did. he has. and now the man who was always about the actions showed me by his actions how little i mean to him.

[rhw]

i'm having a really rough time of things. want so badly to email him and give him what-for. i half want to smack the **** out of him and i still *want* him. no matter how much i tell myself it shouldn't matter, that his actions are telling me he doesn't give a **** about me now, my head can't wrap itself around being left this way after 11 f'ing years. i'm mad, hurt, in tears, confused, etc. the man i saw early this year was the man i always remembered and still loved. the spineless f'ing coward he is has shown itself these many months and all i can think is, "how do you do that?! how do you just walk away from someone you love, someone you care so deeply for and want so much after over a decade without even a goodbye?!" does he not realize a goodbye would've been all i needed? i've never shown up at his job, i've never shown up at his house or driven by it, i NEVER call him when he's at home (actually i never call him, period, except one time in June), i do not write, i do not text. i do nothing. i would never message his W because i am loving and caring, not spiteful. i don't like her but i am not vengeful. therefore, he has absolutely no reason on earth to ever be concerned that i would come unhinged if he were to say, "i'm done. goodbye."

 

was i really not even worth a goodbye to him?! i can't see that. my heart refuses to believe that, yet it's laid out in front of me. in my mind, you only walk out on someone like that w/o a word/explanation/apology or goodbye for one reason: when someone means nothing to you, hence no need to waste time explaining. but again, i can't see that. i saw him much too recently. he's never been able to hide his feelings from me, nor fake them. i think of the few--FEW! (twice)-- times i've tried to get something resembling an explanation or even an apology or a "don't contact me", and still i got nothing. so that tells me to him i am *nothing* except that i saw in him that i am not nothing. god, i am soooo confused.

 

BUT I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT BREAK NC. no matter how deeply i'm hurting (and i am!! feels like i'm bleeding internally), i will *not* break NC. i am the stronger one. i was always the stronger one and i will continue to be the stronger one. he wants to toss me out of his life, fine. mission accomplished but how do i get rid of the pain?! please know that i am not obsessing. really, i'm not. i'm just trying to work through a very weak moment. i'm very clearly in the anger stage and i can faintly see acceptance lingering somewhere on the very distant horizon, but in this minute right now i'm just trying to keep myself from contacting him. i think i'm just gonna go to sleep now. if i'm sleeping, i cannot email.

Edited August 22, 2012 by rhw

[jwi71]

i'm having a really rough time of things. want so badly to email him and give him what-for. i half want to smack the **** out of him and i still *want* him. no matter how much i tell myself it shouldn't matter, that his actions are telling me he doesn't give a **** about me now, my head can't wrap itself around being left this way after 11 f'ing years. i'm mad, hurt, in tears, confused, etc. the man i saw early this year was the man i always remembered and still loved. the spineless f'ing coward he is has shown itself these many months and all i can think is, "how do you do that?! how do you just walk away from someone you love, someone you care so deeply for and want so much after over a decade without even a goodbye?!" does he not realize a goodbye would've been all i needed? i've never shown up at his job, i've never shown up at his house or driven by it, i NEVER call him when he's at home (actually i never call him, period, except one time in June), i do not write, i do not text. i do nothing. i would never message his W because i am loving and caring, not spiteful. i don't like her but i am not vengeful. therefore, he has absolutely no reason on earth to ever be concerned that i would come unhinged if he were to say, "i'm done. goodbye."

 

was i really not even worth a goodbye to him?! i can't see that. my heart refuses to believe that, yet it's laid out in front of me. in my mind, you only walk out on someone like that w/o a word/explanation/apology or goodbye for one reason: when someone means nothing to you, hence no need to waste time explaining. but again, i can't see that. i saw him much too recently. he's never been able to hide his feelings from me, nor fake them. i think of the few--FEW! (twice)-- times i've tried to get something resembling an explanation or even an apology or a "don't contact me", and still i got nothing. so that tells me to him i am *nothing* except that i saw in him that i am not nothing. god, i am soooo confused.

 

BUT I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT BREAK NC. no matter how deeply i'm hurting (and i am!! feels like i'm bleeding internally), i will *not* break NC. i am the stronger one. i was always the stronger one and i will continue to be the stronger one. he wants to toss me out of his life, fine. mission accomplished but how do i get rid of the pain?! please know that i am not obsessing. really, i'm not. i'm just trying to work through a very weak moment. i'm very clearly in the anger stage and i can faintly see acceptance lingering somewhere on the very distant horizon, but in this minute right now i'm just trying to keep myself from contacting him. i think i'm just gonna go to sleep now. if i'm sleeping, i cannot email.

 

Write your email here. If you need to get it off your chest write it here.

[rhw]

good idea, jwi...

 

T,

The last time I saw you, you had your arms around me and were asking to see me again. In case I missed it, you said it twice, "Email me and we'll do something." And then our conversation continued before we hugged again and you said one more time, "Email me," before we left. I saw in your eyes and your body language how very happy you were to see me again, how much you wanted to see me again after that. You stared in my eyes like you used to and kept looking at my mouth--I noticed-- every so often as though you were fighting temptation. And the last time I heard from you was when I emailed you per your request, excited to spend my bday with the one man I loved and trusted most in the world. Because you'd never broken plans with me, I had no reason to suspect what was coming.

 

If you had second thoughts, dammit, i wasn't someone you just met. It wasn't a first date or anything. We know each other too well after over a decade! You needed to say something. I asked once if you changed your mind. No response. I let it go for a month, didn't talk to you or reach out to you or anything and then really hurt, I asked why you'd make plans with me if you had no intention to do so. Again, no response. Finally, really, really broken, I asked you one last time how you could do something like that and what happened to the man I knew and cared for, the one who was too recently telling me he cares? Is this what you think caring is, T? Finally at the end of June, I called you. You didn't pick up. I left a vm. You never called back. I always knew you were spineless but oh wow, you sunk to a whole other level. After that, I just stopped. I shared my hurt, anger and confusion. Still, I get nothing from you.

 

I've never given you cause to believe I'd go off the deep end the day you say goodbye. I'd be sad of course, I'd be heartbroken but at least I'd know one of us reached the end. And I would've respected that. You know I would've. But leaving me like this?! What the hell?! What did I ever do to you to deserve this? I am not your friend. I am not your lover. I am not anything to you anymore. You destroyed this, me and us. If you want your "happy" life with your unattractive wife, then fine, but at the very least, let me get *something* from you: "i'm sorry" or "goodbye"-- something. What on earth did you think saying nothing to me was going to achieve?! I want to hate you. I really do but then it makes me hate myself and I don't hate myself. I didn't do anything wrong.

[skywriter]

rhw,

 

I'm so sorry for your lack of closure.

 

I can only say that I hope you will not allow the lack of closure to

hinder your moving on with life.

 

In my opinion, moving on, living well, just getting on with life helps to create our own closure.

 

We may not have answers, but then again, the answers that we could be given aren't often closure anyway, only precursors to more questions to have closure.

[Mimolicious]

Out of curiosity, does RHW stand for "Real HouseWife"?

[rhw]

Out of curiosity, does RHW stand for "Real HouseWife"?

 

hehe, nope. never been married. first three letters in each word of a song i love.

 

this is my fb status today:

 

i am done. done caring. done hoping he'll come back to me (he will but i won't let him). done feeling like his option as he comes back and then throws me under the bus the second his "priority" challenges his spineless ass. done feeling the life drain out of me. done feeling like crap. done crying. just DONE. blocked him on every avenue of communication. he no longer exists in my world. no more pain. only joy because that is me: joy.

[rhw]

How are you holding up today?

 

well i don't feel dead. LOL. i have yet to decide if the sudden calm i'm finally feeling after 5 months of hell is for real or not. thanks for asking, LFH. one of my best friends (the one who dug deeper the other night when i was panicking/angry) said she thought i hated her and then when her bday came and went and i didn't get her a present as i have every year i've known her, she was sure i did. but then when i explained how low i sunk, she understood and said it made sense that if i felt i couldn't even recognize myself, had lost myself, my friendships would be affected too. she said she missed me, the friend she knows. she said i am not the same.

 

i'll claw my way back to the surface. unlike my exMM, i am a fighter, not a spineless conflict-avoidant fence sitter.

[whichwayisup]

hehe, nope. never been married. first three letters in each word of a song i love.

 

this is my fb status today:

 

i am done. done caring. done hoping he'll come back to me (he will but i won't let him). done feeling like his option as he comes back and then throws me under the bus the second his "priority" challenges his spineless ass. done feeling the life drain out of me. done feeling like crap. done crying. just DONE. blocked him on every avenue of communication. he no longer exists in my world. no more pain. only joy because that is me: joy.

 

Time to book that Spa weekend and go pamper yourself. Get a new haircut, go shopping and make yourself feel good.

[Mount]

WWI - it might not be related to the main topic, whenever I saw those pamper yourself msg, I have to ask - for me, I always pamper myself 24hrs/7 days because I always go shopping buying expensive cosmetics for myself (La Mer, G Armani...etc), and high label clothing....so when the time I need to pamper myself, what shall I do?

 

Time to book that Spa weekend and go pamper yourself. Get a new haircut, go shopping and make yourself feel good.

[rhw]

lol i already have very short hair! i chopped off my longer locks in July.

 

i *am* shopping a little this weekend, though! off to work now... thankfully that's a healthy distraction. as i have the kind of job where my mental presence is required at all times, it keeps me away from thoughts of him. my mind simply can't wander when so many young ones need my attention.

[whichwayisup]

WWI - it might not be related to the main topic, whenever I saw those pamper yourself msg, I have to ask - for me, I always pamper myself 24hrs/7 days because I always go shopping buying expensive cosmetics for myself (La Mer, G Armani...etc), and high label clothing....so when the time I need to pamper myself, what shall I do?

 

Spa. or go away somewhere nice, a resort.

[mercy]

What is high label clothing?

[Mount]

I mean high fashion...I like high fashion.:cool:

 

What is high label clothing?