DearJane Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 (edited) I found out yesterday that my fiancee cheated. He kissed another girl and would've done more if she'd followed through. He's also been trying to cheat with other girls. I know he hasn't. I can't explain why, I just do. There's nothing more to the story. The kissing and trying to cheat is enough in itself. What hurt the most is that I've known something was wrong for the last 5 months... which would be right around the time it happened. I can always tell when he wants to say something but is holding back. He always gives himself away. He started out by saying last Friday, after I caught him in a different lie, that she came on to him and he said I have a gf and walked away. By last night, the whole truth finally came out. It would've been better if he'd just told me when it happened. I can handle the truth. What I can't handle is someone lying to my face. We went to counseling today. I hadn't seen him in three days because he works nights and I asked him to sleep in the spare bedroom. He looks horrible. I've seen fake sadness before and this is not it. He even posted a confession on Facebook where he admitted lying and cheating. He gave no explanation, no justification, no excuses. He hurt me badly and he knows it. He's got a one on one counseling session next week. If I decide I want to get past this and move on with him... how do I let myself be vulnerable again? I can't keep my walls up that this has created and try to move forward. It doesn't work that way. I can't be hurt like this again. Edited August 17, 2012 by DearJane Title should be: Now what? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 If I decide I want to get past this and move on with him... how do I let myself be vulnerable again? I can't keep my walls up that this has created and try to move forward. It doesn't work that way. I can't be hurt like this again. I think keeping your walls up right now is healthy. He cheated (and I STILL don't think you've gotten the whole story). Your walls are there for a reason - because you are with someone who is untrustworthy. They will come down on their own in time IF he proves himself to be trustworthy. As far as him being sad, maybe so, but don't just assume it is because he feels badly for hurting you. He could be sad because he was caught, or most likely, he could feel sad because he doesn't like feeling like a scumbag cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 If he is doing this before marriage it will only get worse afterwards. I say dump him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DearJane Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 For the first time in 5 months, I did get the whole story. I was there. I saw his eyes and I heard his words. I still didn't want to believe him but after going over everything, it made sense. Before that moment nothing had. I have no qualms over this. My walls are up for now until he proves they can come down. My question was more for the long term. I'd be stupid to just dive back in a day after it happened. There's fake remorse (no real remorse), misdirected remorse (sad because you got caught) and real remorse. I've experienced the first two several times with different people. This was real remorse. He looks like sh*t and it's not all for show. For the first time in 5 months I don't feel the bravado or the guilt of his cheating coming from him. Of course he doesn't like feeling like a scumbag cheater but none of his statements have been feeling bad for how he's feeling. They've all been what he did to me. Do I love him? Yes. Do I trust him? No. If I want to trust him am I going to have to start somewhere? Yes. And I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater. I believe that there are serial cheaters and people who make mistakes. In time, I'll be able to tell what I have. Until then, I can't just stay completely closed off. Nothing gets solved that way. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 And I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater. I believe that there are serial cheaters and people who make mistakes. In time, I'll be able to tell what I have. Until then, I can't just stay completely closed off. Nothing gets solved that way. Very true, but you can't plan for how to make walls come down. It is up to him, as the one who cheated, to help inspire them to come down. I agree with you that there are people who just make mistakes. Hopefully your bf is one of those. But if more comes out or it happens again, I would seriously consider that he's just a cheater. Wasn't it you who said in another thread that he was also trying to get girls to show their boobs at his work, or no? (Could have been someone with a similar story.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the ill-made knight Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 He kissed another girl and would've done more if she'd followed through. He's also been trying to cheat with other girls. This to me already points out that he's a serial cheater. There wasn't just one girl. There were multiple women. I find people who just "make mistakes" as you put it come clean immediately after the incident and there is usually only the one incident. And just because someone is remorseful doesn't mean they won't do it again. Also, you have to ask yourself why exactly is he remorseful? Is he remorseful of what he's done or because he got caught? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Trying to cheat with other girls? Bad, bad, bad, bad sign. If you're not ready to end the relationship, then I suggest keeping your walls up while you see how he does with counseling and get some individual counseling yourself to get a professional perspective. No questions about it, though -- he has a lot of work to do if he can ever hope to win back your trust, and he'll have to be willing to be totally transparent (and perhaps have a lot less freedom) to show you he's following through on walking the talk. The threads in the Infidelity subforum here on LS may be useful to you; at least I think that's where I remember reading about people trying to recover a relationship after cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. This is no joke. There is no fast path. Fast is slow and slow is fast. You have to decide if you want to spend this much time on this man. Since you are not married and have no children together, most would advise to cut your losses. Link to post Share on other sites
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