Should my GF get rid of her BFF?

[MCMLXXXIX]

This is part two of a story I went on about in great lengths not so long ago on this website. I'm just going to focus on my current anxiety. Female help would be much appreciated. It can be hard for men to grasp the dynamics of girl-girl friendship. We are both under 25.

 

Basically, my GF of 7 months was intimate once with a girl in the past while under the influence of alcohol (1 or 2 years ago, I do not know). Turns out, this girl is now her BFF (since two or three months) because my GF broke ties with another girl she used to think of as her BFF. Sexual intimacy with a BFF felt very wrong to me. I had to ask about what happened. It was not easy. Apparently it was manual stimulation alone. All in all, my GF doesn't consider herself to be bisexual now. Am I crazy or friends shouldn't have sex with friends? How can she has become her BFF? Feelings are ****ed.

 

I thought long and hard about all this because I care very much about my GF. I don't see the positives of leaving her on the basis of this, but I can't remain silent either. Here is where I stand: Having a "same-sex crush", especially at a young age, that I can understand. Being intimate with a girl, that I understand less, but I can look past it. Being BFF with someone you were intimate with, that I cannot tolerate. I don't even want them to be friends. My GF even told me she thinks her BFF will be around for a long time. Sighs.

 

So far I only subtly dropped a word or two about my views on her friendship and how I thought it was not healthy here in there in random conversations we had. I try to avoid confrontation, but ****, I'm impatient.

 

I will eventually have to tell my GF the entirety of what I wrote here. We are currently in a LDR (for another two weeks). I would wait and tell her in person. I may be thinking too "square". Any thoughts?

Edited August 17, 2012 by MCMLXXXIX

[sally4sara]

Its about what you need in a relationship and what you can accept.

 

I am friends with a few exes and its fine, no struggle to remain faithful and I have a partner that if I felt a struggle in that arena, I could bring it to him without fear of accusation. I am able to know what is the red zone for myself and not enter it so I would limit my own interaction if I worried about any urges I ended up feeling. Been in that position and know myself; never let myself down on that. My husband could make all these same claims as he has exes that are now just friends. These people are now OUR friends.

 

But if you cannot find a place of comfort in a relationship where your partner has friends she was once intimate with even if they have not been intimate recently - that is okay. It does say you don't trust your current partner to be able to live up to your relationship boundaries. Why would you stay around in this relationship and try to whittle away their friend base at all if there is a clear indication that this person is not a right match for you? She doesn't need to have sex with someone she already had sex with and hasn't had sex with for 2 years now if she decides to cheat on you. Is she someone you believe will cheat on you eventually or what? Figure that out and then make your decision.

[sweetheart5381]

Its about what you need in a relationship and what you can accept.

 

I am friends with a few exes and its fine, no struggle to remain faithful and I have a partner that if I felt a struggle in that arena, I could bring it to him without fear of accusation. I am able to know what is the red zone for myself and not enter it so I would limit my own interaction if I worried about any urges I ended up feeling. Been in that position and know myself; never let myself down on that. My husband could make all these same claims as he has exes that are now just friends. These people are now OUR friends.

 

But if you cannot find a place of comfort in a relationship where your partner has friends she was once intimate with even if they have not been intimate recently - that is okay. It does say you don't trust your current partner to be able to live up to your relationship boundaries. Why would you stay around in this relationship and try to whittle away their friend base at all if there is a clear indication that this person is not a right match for you? She doesn't need to have sex with someone she already had sex with and hasn't had sex with for 2 years now if she decides to cheat on you. Is she someone you believe will cheat on you eventually or what? Figure that out and then make your decision.

 

Well said.

 

I am a bi-sexual woman. If I have sex/explore with another woman it doesn't mean that I am in love with them. It doesn't mean I would ever cheat on a current partner to be with them again. This is basically a trust issue, unrelated to gender or sexual orientation.

 

It seems to me that the OP is more threatened by the closeness of the relationship, perhaps driven by the distance. That's a personal issue of trust, imo.

 

It's funny, quite often bi-sexual or bi-curious women are expected to be less loyal than heterosexual women. That we are over-sexed sluts. This is just a myth. I have experienced this treatment. If I want to be with and care for another, either man or woman, I respect them deeply and would never cheat on them.

[MCMLXXXIX]

Yes, I do have my qualms about bisexuality, but that is not the point. The problem may be that I don't think much of the BFF as a person. For example, my GF is not a cheater, but her BFF is. She is also into drugs. She also defends her. I learn the truth about her behavior through other friends of hers. These are things that worry me. In fact, I have the feeling that her BFF doesn't give a **** about people. She moved out and her parents still pay for everything. YOLO. I have the impression that my GF will realize these things about her one day. I am a little older and I do feel more mature in regards to that.

Edited August 18, 2012 by MCMLXXXIX

[sweetheart5381]

Yes, I do have my qualms about bisexuality, but that is not the point. The problem may be that I don't think much of the BFF as a person. For example, my GF is not a cheater, but her BFF is. She is also into drugs. These are things that worry me. In fact, I have the feeling that her BFF doesn't give a **** about people. She moved out and her parents still pay for everything. YOLO. I have the impression that my GF will realize these things about her one day. I am a little older and I do feel more mature in regards to that.

 

Ah, I see. That is a different story.

 

I don't blame you for worrying about the bad influence... I have teenagers! I was once a teenager too, and I can respect the fear that you feel.

 

Sexuality has nothing to do with personal values and morals and I personally hate it when good-hearted people are categorized as immoral based on sexual desires that are natural. ( I don't mean diddlers, etc, those that cause harm to innocent people).

 

All you can do is hope that she will know where her loyalties are. Don't assume that since she had sex with her friend once that she ever will again, or that she lacks moral integrity because she is younger/less mature. Give her some credit, you can always take it back when it gets too heavy duty for you to handle. Trusting is hard to do sometimes. Been there, got the T-shirt

[MCMLXXXIX]

Thank you for the help so far. I realize I am not just freaking out. On some levels, perhaps I am, but still... Since I'm pretty much anonymous here, I might as well open up even more.

 

Here's another piece of information that may be affecting my judgement: one of my early sexual experiences. This girl and I met several times and basically just had sex. I thought we were both having fun. It wasn't serious, we discussed it. She said we were on the same page. One night she told me she was also into girls. I didn't have an opinion on that back then. We stopped seeing each other when she went to work overseas. We met one last time and she admitted to me she was in a relationship with a girl during the whole time we were seeing each other. I had unknowingly helped her cheat on her girlfriend. A family member of mine I am close with is gay and I often heard stories like that.

 

This does not help me understand bisexuality, even on the exploratory level.

Edited August 18, 2012 by MCMLXXXIX

[Radu]

You've made this thread before, what changed ?

[MCMLXXXIX]

Perhaps I shouldn't have started another thread, but I did get other perspectives. My outlook changed slightly.

[sweetheart5381]

Thank you for the help so far. I realize I am not just freaking out. On some levels, perhaps I am, but still... Since I'm pretty much anonymous here, I might as well open up even more.

 

Here's another piece of information that may be affecting my judgement: one of my early sexual experiences. This girl and I met several times and basically just had sex. I thought we were both having fun. It wasn't serious, we discussed it. She said we were on the same page. One night she told me she was also into girls. I didn't have an opinion on that back then. We stopped seeing each other when she went to work overseas. We met one last time and she admitted to me she was in a relationship with a girl during the whole time we were seeing each other. I had unknowingly helped her cheat on her girlfriend. A family member of mine I am close with is gay and I often heard stories like that.

 

This does not help me understand bisexuality, even on the exploratory level.

 

The only way I can put it is that it is in your best interest to see people as equals. Male or female, it doesn't matter. We are equal in overall value. Some people are deceptive, some people are honest. What I personally care about as a bi-sexual person is that I am respected and show respect... by being honest.

 

You were used and lied to in a previous relationship, but it has nothing to do with sexual orientation, it is about the decision this woman made to deceive you.

 

I don't blame you for perhaps wanting to blame something about her (like her sexual preferences) on your hurt. The truth is, this person chose to deceive and disrespect you.

 

Don't project your hurt upon another and judge them based on another's actions.

[Radu]

Perhaps I shouldn't have started another thread, but I did get other perspectives. My outlook changed slightly.

 

I hope this changes your outlook even further.

 

This girl is a trainwreck with low morals, a crash in slow motion.