Too sensitive

[robaday]

Im way too sensitive, and I dont know what to do about it. A lot of people find me "rude" or cold when they meet me, and many think thats because I dont care, or think Im better than them. The truth is very different.

 

Especially with women, I have struggled because inside I am deeply sensitive person. And thats really caused problems in relationships. If I actually show them who I really am, a few have left.

 

Im 32. I tear up sometimes especially when saying something from the heart to someone. I used to have severe depression, and although I manage my moods fine and am happier without medication, I wonder if theres more I can do to toughen up.

 

It is my personality and Ive always been introverted, and slightly unhappy person! What can I do to change this? I am a popular person and dont have problems with attracting women, its just deep down I feel Im too sensitive and struggle to maintain relationships for this reason. I have a good job, am physically fit, and have a broad range of hobbies. Is this just the way I am now?

[pteromom]

It's the way you are, and I really don't see anything wrong with it. I am very sensitive too. Even though I am quite intelligent and rational, I don't think I've ever terminated an employee, confronted an employer, or stood up for myself in an extreme situation without crying. It's just part of who I am.

 

It's ok to be sensitive, and it's ok to be introverted.

 

You say If I actually show them who I really am, a few have left.

What does this mean? They leave if you cry? Or something else? Share more information about why you think they left.

[soccerrprp]

The answer to your question is yes, it is the way you are now. This is you and nothing to be ashamed of. So, you're sensitive, that's okay. BUT, but, ladies like a man that appears and is in control (not controlling, mind you). It sounds like you are overcompensating if people find you rude or cold.

 

Why were you depressed? Anything from your past, present that lead to this? Could it be this thing from your past that makes you so sensitive? Why unhappy?

 

I don't know what you really mean by toughen up. If that entails you becoming more of an a-hole, then bad idea. You need to learn to detach yourself, not wholly disengage, from sensitive issues. Perhaps practicing? To a friend that knows you? Learning to feel more comfortable about expressing the more intimate things w/o crying, over-doing it...I think if you have a friend, the more you talk, socialize, could help you.

[carhill]

Most people I know don't equate emotional transparency/sensitivity with 'rude' or 'cold'.

 

How would you react if we knew each other casually but were not good friends and I shared with you that my cat had recently died (he did actually, but that's not relevant here)? I'm interested in your initial reaction to hearing that.

 

I'm asking this because I found your post to be confusing. You're emotionally sensitive but apparently perceived as cold or rude. You're popular but and introverted and sometimes unhappy. Conundrum is a word I might use to describe how I'm perceiving this. Maybe you can help.

 

Lastly, though not indicated in your post, do you have heightened sensitivity to sight, sound, smell, touch, etc? Do you find yourself perceiving things which most people around you are oblivious to? Do you often surprise or shock people but are rarely surprised or shocked yourself? Here I'm seeking to ascertain the breadth of your sensitivity.

[biogirl05]

i am also overly-sensitive. it makes life difficult and most people who used to know me thought that i was angry all the time. i hate crying in front of people, so i compartmentalize and control my emotions (as much as i can). i also get how you say some people have left. the old saying 'laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone' is unfortunately a true phenomenon, unless you have a couple of really good friends. i'm reading this book called 'the friendship factor', it gives some really great advice. you can let out pieces of your honest self without totally letting it all go. but when you share yourself you become more attractive to others.

 

the thing to do is find information about sensitive people, do a lot of reading, and practice sharing with people. the thing is, some people will always leave. you just have to stick it out to find the people who will stay.

[robaday]

First of all thanks so much for your replies theyre awesome!

 

How would you react if we knew each other casually but were not good friends and I shared with you that my cat had recently died (he did actually, but that's not relevant here)? I'm interested in your initial reaction to hearing that.

Im a frontline worker, so am actually pretty good in crisis situations, I would be completely calm and self aware and right there for you. Strange I am actually at my best when serious shxt is going down!! My personal life is disordered and chaotic but in work Im completely self aware.

 

I'm asking this because I found your post to be confusing. You're emotionally sensitive but apparently perceived as cold or rude. You're popular but and introverted and sometimes unhappy. Conundrum is a word I might use to describe how I'm perceiving this. Maybe you can help.

 

Ive used being introverted to my advantage - especially with women, Im very good at being aloof or uninterested!! Im cold because Im shy. I also have traits of ocd which mean sadly my mind is often elsewhere no matter how hard I try to be "in the moment" Im only really in the moment, when Im doing frontline work or when someone else is going through a crisis.

 

Lastly, though not indicated in your post, do you have heightened sensitivity to sight, sound, smell, touch, etc? Do you find yourself perceiving things which most people around you are oblivious to? Do you often surprise or shock people but are rarely surprised or shocked yourself?

 

Im a good writer and can write about things around me in a very in the moment way, most people tell me the writing is very "real". So yes, I do notice an awful lot of things around me, but I struggle in conversation or especially in say lectures or when i was at school. BUT regarding the writing, again its being in the moment, something i struggle with. I get I call it moods personally, where i can write a very good article in less than an hour and rarely have to change it. Sadly those moods are very very rare and I wont be able to summon that focus or energy for weeks after.

 

What does this mean? They leave if you cry? Or something else?

 

Ah, being an introvert and sharing your life is a struggle. I need my space badly, and I crave solitude a lot of the time. Sensitivity, I get offended by easily, but only by people im close to. If I dont know someone, Im rarely sensitive at all, but if its someone close to me, the smallest thing can set me off.

 

Why were you depressed? Anything from your past, present that lead to this? Could it be this thing from your past that makes you so sensitive? Why unhappy?

 

I retreated into my shell when i was about 8 years old and kind of withdrew from my family. i was apparently really outgoing in my early years and happy. My parents were worried about me because I was so quiet and shy and timid. I dont really remember being truly happy in my youth, and as soon as I was 14 began drinking and taking drugs until i blacked out. This continued until i was 22 when i calmed down and got fit. it was when a close friend died at 24, and a relationship ended that my whole being collapsed completely. My sense of self, my sense of my place in the world. essentially i had a fully pronged existential crisis which lasted 2 years, and while im stronger, wiser and a better person, the shock of plunging into what was essentially insanity has never really left me.

[pteromom]

What does this mean? They leave if you cry? Or something else?

Ah, being an introvert and sharing your life is a struggle. I need my space badly, and I crave solitude a lot of the time. Sensitivity, I get offended by easily, but only by people im close to. If I dont know someone, Im rarely sensitive at all, but if its someone close to me, the smallest thing can set me off.

 

The sensitivity you are describing here is a different thing than being introverted. Being introverted simply means you gain energy from solitude/solitary pleasures, and crowds or socializing drains you rather than energizing you.

 

But sensitivity about what those close to you do - that is usually caused by insecurity and/or unrealistic/unfulfilled expectations. It has nothing to do with you being introverted.

 

You have to remember that others are NOT YOU, and they have different ways of looking at things than you do. In a relationship, whether it's a romantic or platonic relationship, if you find yourself offended or upset, you need to first understand THEIR point of view. And you need to think about why you are really upset. A lot of the times, it is about uncommunicated expectations - "I assumed she would have asked me!" "I assumed she would have done XXXXXXXXX for me for my birthday." So you are upset in scenarios like this simply because the other person doesn't think exactly like you do.