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Found out my boyfriend shared a pet with his ex girlfriend...

Jennifer2012

By Jennifer2012
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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So I broke up with him stat! I hope I did the right thing. He was an amazing guy, but in my opinion if you're still buying dog food and paying vet bills for your ex's pet, then you're not really broken up, right? He would also house sit for his ex.

 

Is this normal or am I overreacting?

not-a-drive-by Established Member

not-a-drive-by

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Have you spoken to him about it telling him it makes you feel uncomfortable? Or did you just break it off and no chance of explanation from his side? If you just broke it off, it seems you are overreacting.

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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I told him that I wasn't comfortable with the pet thing, but that I didn't feel I was in a position to tell him what to do. Look, if he was truly done with that relationship he would not be finding excuses to see his ex. To me, they were just way too entangled still. And I think if he was truly serious about me, it wouldn't even occur to him to be house sitting for his ex or taking care of the pet.

not-a-drive-by Established Member

not-a-drive-by

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If you aren't in the position to tell him what to do, who is? You were his girlfriend.

 

How long was this going on for? If you confronted him and he continued doing it, then it's a problem.

 

You aren't giving us much information, but you are adamant that you made the right decision. So, what is the problem? Do you want us to confirm that you dumping him is normal so you don't feel guilty?

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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Well, we had only been going out for a few months. I didn't feel it was my place to try and change his behavior. I thought, if he was really into our relationship, then he wouldn't even be thinking about helping his ex and being so involved with her daily life. I just found out about the pet thing this week by the way. When we first met he was house sitting for his ex, which I thought was weird, but I let it go. So the house sitting and the shared pet together is too weird for me.

 

I was just curious what others thought. I really liked this guy and I am pretty sad that he will no longer be in my life.

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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Thanks, Mina....that gives me something to think about. But how do you feel about sharing the pet PLUS house sitting for the ex for 5 weeks? Does that put a different spin on this or would you still feel the same way?

 

I guess I can't separate the feelings for the dog from those he may still have for the ex. I feel like the dog just creates and excuse for him to see his ex and that if he wanted to be done with her, he would have done so.

SadPanda22 Member

SadPanda22

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Is it their dog or her dog? If it is a dog they got together, then yes, he should be helping with vet bills and with the food, and he should be allowed to see the dog.

 

Pets are awesome, and I wouldn't break up with a guy for loving his dog.

 

If you feel that this isn't really about the dog, and that your guy was just using the pet as a way to keep in touch with his ex, then that's a different story.

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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Well if he's so in love with the dog that he needs to see it post break up and it's a financial burden for the ex gf, then shouldn't he have just taken the dog to live with him? He has the capacity and yard space for a dog. I don't get it. And yes, they did buy the dog together.

 

By the way, he told me I was making a huge mistake. Then he said not to try to reach out to him. Then he unfriended me from facebook. He is in his 40s btw.

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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See, but you still love her Mina...which is why you'd house sit too! It's not just about the pets.

 

In any case, this is making me rethink my decision. Maybe I really messed this up. What should I do? He told me not to contact him.

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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Ok, I get your point about attachment. But he house sat for FIVE weeks for her. That five weeks of being in the ex's house, living with her things, etc. Is that not strange? And why did she ask him to house sit? Why not someone else?

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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He claimed she was a away, yes. But there were days where he was traveling on business and the ex's parents took care of the dog. It's like why didn't they just take care of it in the first place?

 

What should I do now? Did I totally mess this up? I genuinely loved this guy.

MuscleCarFan Established Member

MuscleCarFan

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See, but you still love her Mina...which is why you'd house sit too! It's not just about the pets.

 

In any case, this is making me rethink my decision. Maybe I really messed this up. What should I do? He told me not to contact him.

 

You very much overreacted.

 

Dogs develop strong attachments to their owners. He may not be together with ex, but he at the very least has no right to see the dog he adopted with his ex.

 

As for the house sitting? So what? They are obviously on good terms and she trusts him to watch the house. Big deal.

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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Great, so I screwed this up. Should I just try and move on? He probably hates me now...

BeautyRush Member

BeautyRush

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Ummm... IDK but IMO, that is kinda hard and confusing. Why can't he bring the dog to his home instead of house sitting at his ex's place? That's the biggest question. I might be thinking that I could just be a rebound since you both were dating recently. But yeah, it helps to hear his sides too and understand his responsibility and connection with the dog. But if it bothers you a lot then you made the right decision.

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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To be honest, I don't even know the full story myself. But my gut reaction when I heard about the pet sharing was total disgust. I was really angry. I was even surprised that I felt so strongly about it...but I thought, I have to honor my feelings. This is truly how I feel.

 

This guy really wants to have kids. His ex is now 40 and it may not be possible with her. I believe that is what caused their relationship to fail, in part. I think he still has feelings for her though.

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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Yeah, I'm trying to listen to my gut because instincts are usually right :-) And see Mina...that's what I'm saying! The dog is a great excuse to have a reason to be in touch with an ex. This guy might not even realize what he's doing. He may really believe it's just about the dog. Who knows!

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bellabella Member

bellabella

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I agree with Gibson. My other half has a dog he got together with his ex and the dog is now our dog.

 

They also had a cat. She took the cat, him the dog. Neither of them dog/cat sit for the other. I know he missed the cat (and I'm sure she missed the dog). But they realised that it was not helpful to moving on from the relationship, or developing new ones, if they were intertwined. Both animals are still loved and cared for.

 

I would be very uncomfortable if they were still sharing any sort of pet care. Dogs are most definitely NOT the same as children!!

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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Thanks Gibson and Bella!

 

See, I agree. That's what my gut instinct says. If two people are ready to part ways, then they just do. They don't create obligations to one another AFTER the fact. The mere fact that they have arrangements for the dog, house sitting, vet bills, etc is just way too entangled for two people who supposedly broke up. If you break up, you break up. Period. I can't imagine dating someone who gets phone calls from his ex about buying DOG FOOD! It's so ridiculous to me.

 

The hard part is that I did really like him. I suppose I'll get over this soon, but it's not going to be easy. What an eye opening ordeal though :-(

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jmjacobs31 Established Member

jmjacobs31

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When my ex and I broke up I took our two dogs. In the 2 months we have been living in separate houses he's had them for two weekends. The dogs are like family to the both of us. We are not sharing the dogs I'm just letting him visit with them. Also since our split he's helped with vet bills. He doesn't buy dog food but if I asked I'm sure he would. Him seeing he dogs or me letting him have them is not an excuse for us to see each other.

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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I think what you did is fine. I don't date guys who are still tied to their ex, so I understand why you did that.

 

My boyfriend and his ex got a dog when they were together. I guess she has it now. He doesn't give her $ or pet sit.... it's her dog now, not his. She's not in his life and neither is the dog.

 

I understand being attached to pets. I have a cat, I wouldn't give her up for the world.

 

When you get a pet with a GIRL OR BOYFRIEND (note: NOT A SPOUSE) this is the risk you take... one of you gives the pet up if you break up!

 

I mean fk how long is he gonna be giving her $ and stuff for the dog? Years? What if he marries another woman, is he still gonna be sending his ex girlfriend monthly "dog support"?

shayla Established Member

shayla

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I may be the only one who feels this way but, I find the situation shady and I'd feel that there was much more going on here.

 

House sitting for 5 weeks? Hmmmm....they might as well still be together.

 

I'd find a man that is available to have a relationship with you and isn't still entangled with his ex.

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Jennifer2012 Member

Jennifer2012

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Shayla, that was my exact gut instinct, which is why I acted on it! Totally shady, right?

 

I appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts on this. I guess I did doubt myself there for a minute, but I'm feeling better about my decision now. Even though I really liked this guy, I'm trying to stay strong and just move on. It's not easy all of the time, but I think I'll be okay.

SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

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So I broke up with him stat! I hope I did the right thing. He was an amazing guy, but in my opinion if you're still buying dog food and paying vet bills for your ex's pet, then you're not really broken up, right? He would also house sit for his ex.

 

Is this normal or am I overreacting?

 

 

 

Lord knows how this would read if, say, we replaced the "pet" with a living, breathing BABY (human).

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ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

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Ok, I get your point about attachment. But he house sat for FIVE weeks for her. That five weeks of being in the ex's house, living with her things, etc. Is that not strange? And why did she ask him to house sit? Why not someone else?

 

Living with her things? So what??? They're just things. Dogs are like children..if he was sharing custody of his kids with his ex, would you dump him for that?

 

She probably asked him to house sit so he could be with their dog..because I'm sure their dog loves him. Dogs don't do well when their owners are away..they pine..they get sad and depressed. They need familiarity (like your ex was to their dog)..otherwise a lot of the time they'll do something crazy like forget that they're housebroken, or shred all the furniture.

 

Yes, you completely overreacted. But honestly, how strong could your feelings for this guy have been if you were willing to dump him over his love of his dog? Maybe you both dodged a bullet...

lemonlegs Established Member

lemonlegs

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I think what you did is fine. I don't date guys who are still tied to their ex, so I understand why you did that.

 

My boyfriend and his ex got a dog when they were together. I guess she has it now. He doesn't give her $ or pet sit.... it's her dog now, not his. She's not in his life and neither is the dog.

 

I understand being attached to pets. I have a cat, I wouldn't give her up for the world.

 

When you get a pet with a GIRL OR BOYFRIEND (note: NOT A SPOUSE) this is the risk you take... one of you gives the pet up if you break up!

 

I mean fk how long is he gonna be giving her $ and stuff for the dog? Years? What if he marries another woman, is he still gonna be sending his ex girlfriend monthly "dog support"?

 

I wholeheartedly agree. My boyfriend and his ex got a dog when they lived together, and I guess at first she would go and visit him when they broke up. However, I would not be comfortable if she still did that. Plus, it would probably confuse the poor dog having different owners at different times. I can guarantee she probably hates seeing pictures of me with 'their' dog on Facebook (or maybe not, who knows), but it's really his dog now.

 

I don't really blame you. It would've been something I would've talked to him about for sure. The house sitting thing is a whole other issue.

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