neptoon Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I'm experiencing something strange in my relationship right now and I'm really confused -- maybe it's because I'm inside the situation -- so I just thought I'd come here and bounce around some things that are going on in my head. Any comments would be appreciated. We just hit our eighth-month mark. In the last month, he seems to be getting distant or colder. I've asked him about it and he says it's just me. He'll alternate sometimes between being really warm and just plain cold. He sometimes acts like he doesn't want me around anymore. He kind of behaves out of spite to me sometimes, I feel. I've tried talking to him about it but he cuts the conversation short and says that it's just me. He makes me feel really lonely sometimes. Our conversations are never about anything intimate anymore. It feels like this just happened overnight about 2 weeks ago. I can't get him to talk about it at all. It's his birthday next week and two nights ago, he said that he might have to work till around 10 on his birthday and we should just postpone it to the weekend. As long as I've been going out with him, he's never had to work that late. I sort of don't believe him and I don't quite know why. I'm really bummed out and confused and I don't know what to think. ON EDIT: I also forgot to note that about 2 weeks ago, he said that he thought some guy we knew had a crush on me. And then, last week, he said that his friend's gf told him to "watch out" for this guy (meaning what, I don't know...). Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 It could be he's finished, but is trying to line something new up before he takes a walk. Most "relationships" fizzle out within 6 to 12 months. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with either of you; only that there just isn't enough there to sustain a long term relationship. Another possibility is that you are learning something that it seems almost no one understands anymore. Early in the courtship, everyone is on their best behavior. Later, as the comfort level grows, they start to let their guard down and that is where you really begin to learn who you are dealing with. You may now be seeing your BF more the way he really is instead of the charming fellow who was trying to win you over. It takes a lot of time, time in close proximity to someone before they really get to know them. This is why the first year of marriage can often be the hardest -- there's so much adjustment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neptoon Posted July 15, 2004 Author Share Posted July 15, 2004 He's kind of doing an alternating thing. Sometimes he acts really close and warm. Other times, he acts cold. I thought the birthday thing was weird. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Sometimes he acts really close and warm This is normal. He may have things on his mind. You can't be all lovey-dovey all the time. Do you think that married people and those who've lived together for some time are always warm, loving and affectionate? They aren't. That's part of what it means to be in love, but there is wo much more. Maybe he really does have to work on his BD. Or maybe some of his buddies want to take him out and he's afraid to talk to you about it. This latter thing isn't good. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Hmmmm, you say he has never had to work that late? So all of a sudden he is? I'd keep an eye on that. I agree with what starting again had mentioned about the comfort level and it just being that you are all getting in the comfortable mode in the relationship. It could be a number of things to though. Something you might want to do is, when he has to work on his b-day late, like he says, show up at his work out of the blue and see what he says, or how he reacts. You could say since it was his b-day and he had to work late you thought you would surprise him. That may be a way you can find out what is really going on. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neptoon Posted July 18, 2004 Author Share Posted July 18, 2004 I don't know what his game is. While I've been wondering all week about his sense of truthfulness, I believe I received an omen about his character on Friday. I caught him in a tiny, miniscule lie from 6 or 7 months ago. Sometime during the late fall or early winter (we had a warm winter), he told me he went out on one really nice day to go play cricket. He went into great detail about it and I thought it was weird because I didn't think men his age played cricket. He told me about which park he went to and who was playing, etc. etc. etc. The fact that he played cricket this one day stuck in my mind. We were walking through the street on Friday and we came across some cricket bats. I asked him if he had cricket bats and you know what he said to me? HE'S NEVER PLAYED CRICKET BEFORE IN HIS LIFE. We were on our way to our Friday night darts league. I thought about this all night while we were there for the 3 hours. I trusted him and he's been lying through his teeth to me. I confronted him with it and he said that he never said he played cricket. I'm so broken hearted. I loved this man a lot. The very, very first time he called me, I had given my number. He lied to me about even making the first call to me -- he denied it and said that he was "talking me down off a ledge" (the exact words he used about his ex-gf). OMG! He turned the whole thing around on me and there was a point there where I started even getting defensive. He tried to make it sound like I was nuts. He said that his ex-gf was giving him drama and now I'M giving him drama! He ended up saying we need a few days apart to "think about things". I said, I wanted to settle it there and then and he wouldn't allow me. He said he needed to think things through. Then he yelled at me and "showed me the door". I didn't think to get the keys for my place back that night. He said, "If you leave now, we'll talk later but if you don't leave, we're through forever." and I was SO angry he had the sheer gall to say that, espeically when I just caught him in all his lies, that I just walked out, not even thinking of the implications. He impressed upon me that we were NOT broken up. What the hell kind of game is he playing??? Should I just walk away from it? Link to post Share on other sites
moodyblues Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Don't just walk! Change the locks and RUN! The guy is obviously a control freak. Let him go while you still got the "best" of him before enduring the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Hmmmm. Whyever would he lie about such a thing. You guys were barely in the start of your relationship. It's totally strange. I think his reaction was over the top because he was embarassed thaqt he'd caught himself up and didn't know how to respond. The correct course of action would have been to come clean and tell you why he lied to you in the first place. When a couple gets to a point in an argument that they are no longer addressing the core issue, it is appropriate to stop, take a time out and resume again at another time. However, I see that he was just trying to evade the issue and presenting you with the ultimatum was wholly uncalled for. He impressed upon you that you were not broken up? What does he get to declare this unilaterally? Sorry, but something's not right here, and I tend to agree with Moody Blues. You need to walk away if for no other reason than when the two of you faced a serious issue, he dodged and tried to turn his wrongdoing back on you. This doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neptoon Posted July 20, 2004 Author Share Posted July 20, 2004 Upon your advice and the advice of a few other friends, I changed the lock today. I didn't change them all weekend b/c I'm moving in two months and just didn't want to spend the money. But then, what was I thinking?!?! I went to the hardware store and just bought another lock. Thanks, everyone. Thanks for being brutally honest here. I needed to hear that. It is a little weird. There are little weird things about this guy that don't make sense. There was one point when I noticed all these different old housekeys on his keyring. Hmmmmmm..... Something tells me this man needs professional help! OK, I'm going to list all the f*cked up things about him so I can see straight (I started to feel sad for a little bit) -- come on, I need to put on my logic cap: 1. He collects housekeys of women (meaning he gains their trust only to screw them over, maybe?) 2. Last month, he asked me to move in with him several times. I kept insisting NO and then he acted cold to me. Then, the other night, only 2 weeks after he just asked me to move in with him, he just told me to get out, as though I were some little leeching whore. Imagine if I had nowhere to go, with all my stuff getting thrown out by this man because he outright lies to me like an idiot and I have to go live under his roof until the end of the f*cking month while he lies to me and disrespects me to my face?! 3. He ridicules me at every attempt I make towards financial independence. 4. I had told him once that I wanted children one day and he told me that my life has to be more "stable". Say what? I'm 32 and have my own job and can support myself. OK, I do live a little on the fringe -- I like to keep 18 tanks of fish, live in an open-space concept but I can adapt that kind of life. In fact, I would think it even makes children smarter and healthier to have a fish shop to play in and learn from. 5. He criticizes the way I dress all the time. He says all the time I need to "dress sexier". Isn't it the woman who's wearing the clothes and not the clothes themselves? Let me just advise him that I have ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEMS attracting men from age 20 to 60 wearing absolutely nothing different than what I'm wearing at this moment. 6. He lies to me and has the outright nerve to turn it around and yell at me as though I'M the one who's in the wrong?!? PLEEEEASE! 7. I'm a freelancer and I work from home and my hours are pretty flexible. Sometimes I just like to go out and run errands or take photos when there's light. He's started saying, "I'll call you at home in the afternoon." ... meaning what? Meaning I'm supposed to be home to receive your call? OK, I'll just say I'm being argumentative. He's right, I'm wrong....yada yada yada. Talk to the hand cuz the ears aren't listening. There's a whole slew of things ... some would just require too many words to explain. I've had nightmares for months with this guy. I've woken up screaming because I could not see myself in the mirror in the dream. I think my subconscious picked up on all these things long before but it just took a little while for my conscious mind to understand and see it. It's hard to see when it's gradual and you're so inside it. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I love it! I woman who isn't take any bulls*** off of a would-be abuser. Good for you! That collection of house keys tells the tale doesn't it? He thinks himself a ladykiller, no doubt, but to the rest of us it indicates he probably has problems with intimacy and can't stick with one woman. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 You forgot a total controll freak that loves to humiliate women ! No ofense,the first time a man ever tries to put meat the door, I'm out of there forever !!! There are plenty of other guys who'll beg to be with you for a couple of hours and this guy does what ?!? I'm thinking old keys... tokens.... jeez, I sure hope you dumped the guy ! Link to post Share on other sites
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