Abandoned and wondering some things.

[Gaprofitt]

Hi All,

 

As most of you know from my previous posts my wife left July 1st with our 10 month old son after filing for divorce. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to understand some things. In our marriage my wife was very non-motivated to do things and not as passionate as I. Understandably now I understand this is her personality and she is just not a driven type of person. She has horrendous communication skills and had issues opening up to me and really telling me her innermost feelings. She held everything in and avoided conflict. She wasn't very loving for years and supportive and never told me she loved me. She never kissed me, held me or loved me much. On my side in our relationship I have my issues too. I have been controlling in our relationship and have said a lot of hurtful things during arguments. I of course didn't mean any of these things but that doesn't make it right. I know they hurt her greatly.

 

I have been seeing multiple counselors since early July to make myself a better person and work on my issues. I am more than committed to this and have made a lot of progress. I mean a lot of progress, I am so much more positive now about behavior choices and controlling myself. I understand how my wife feels and how I was in the marriage.

 

My wife on the other hand has been brutally mean during this process, keeping my kids from me, threatening to do it again and just being beyond mean. What I don't understand is I know she loves me and if you have a man this committed to doing the right thing why not give him a chance?

 

I have offered to rent her an apartment for 6-12 months to show her my commitment. I need her to support me bettering myself as I need to support her in counseling for the damage I have done. I don't understand how you just give up with a 11 month old son I love and miss greatly. Why can't she see my passion for doing the right thing and us to support each other?

 

I feel like she isn't listening to herself but friends and family who are likely bashing me greatly who don't truly know me like she does. They are certainly not objective and are very biased as she has been hurt and i'm the bad guy.

 

I am beyond passionate about doing what I need to do for my family, I want her to support me and I want to support her. I know we both need individual counseling and need to move slow to heal old wounds.

 

It's so hard for me to just give up, she called my sister-in-law today and mentioned missing our home, our cats, routine, etc. Of course nothing about me, she keeps saying i'm crazy. Yeah i'm crazy in love with my family and wife. She has been so mean I think trying to drive me away and to just give up. I also think part of her behavior is rooted in revenge, I hurt her so she has to hurt me.

 

I wonder if she truly knows what I have been through, denied visitation, living in an empty home with my son's nursery, taking down my son's crib to give to her in his nursery, her ignoring me and giving me no answers for closure and refusing to talk to me in any way shape or form. Some of the stuff she has said and how she has acted has been horrible, she cancelled my son's birthday party, she constantly comments i'm crazy and a horrible father, i'm an excellent father who loves my son greatly.

 

Sorry for going on and on, I just don't understand why we can't do everything possible to make it work. There is so much love to not try, especially for our family. I know our marriage would be very different. It may sound dumb but I feel like I never would have made an effort if she didn't leave. It was a huge wakeup call for me, before I just had this huge resentment and didn't care.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Greg

[Gaprofitt]

Thought I would add something I found out recently. I just don't get this.

 

I had a business trip scheduled for Denver in June, my wife is from Colorado so I thought she would like to go, visit some of her family in Denver so we bought her a plane ticket. We had a recent argument the week before I felt really bad about, I mean really bad. The whole week I was taking her to dinner, being super nice, kissing her etc. She was calling lawyers and planning the divorce. She didn't breakdown or anything to me the whole trip. Stayed in a hotel room all week, I'm just amazed she didn't breakdown or anything, ask me to hold her, withhold sex, be mean, nothing. I feel cheated for some reason. Went and spent time with her family and grilled out, got to know them really well, it was fun. My son went with us too, I would take him for a stroll. This is so upsetting and really bothers me. I know if you are getting a divorce you have to call a lawyer but no emotion or anything to your husband, I just don't get it, this has me beyond upset tonight. It was such a great week in Denver and I enjoyed it so much with our family and to know she was planning divorce the whole week we were there and faking me is just hurtful. Am I too sensitive, i'm balling since I found this out. Also the day before she left I wanted to take her shopping for clothes, I remember telling her in the parking lot I know this isn't much and I want to work on things, but I wanted to do something for her. The next day she left, am I sensitive or is she brutally mean?

 

Greg

 

Greg

Edited August 20, 2012 by Gaprofitt

[Gunny376]

The next day she left, am I sensitive or is she brutally mean?

 

I wouldn't say she was being overly mean. Its just that most women when they make their mind up to leave? They make the decision to do so in their hearts and minds long before they actually physically leave.

 

The "vacation" in CO was her just giving you one last week/weekend with you and her and the DD as a "Family" Some would consider it cruel ~ but it happens often enough.

 

The best thing you can do is to go absolute No Contact with the STBX, keep any and all conversations short, sweet and on point (For your benefit and sanity ~ not a 180 to get her back) and move on with your life. Give yourself time to grieve ~ not only for 'what was' but for the promise of what could have been.

[Gaprofitt]

I wouldn't say she was being overly mean. Its just that most women when they make their mind up to leave? They make the decision to do so in their hearts and minds long before they actually physically leave.

 

The "vacation" in CO was her just giving you one last week/weekend with you and her and the DD as a "Family" Some would consider it cruel ~ but it happens often enough.

 

The best thing you can do is to go absolute No Contact with the STBX, keep any and all conversations short, sweet and on point (For your benefit and sanity ~ not a 180 to get her back) and move on with your life. Give yourself time to grieve ~ not only for 'what was' but for the promise of what could have been.

 

Thanks for the response. We havent talked on the phone since she left but met in person once at a restaurant to talk about a month ago.I'm not sure now I understand why she even agreed to meet me. It feels like 2 years ago to me. I feel so conflicted, on one hand I do feel better and am trying to forget, on the other hand I think about my family and wanting to do the right thing to make her happy with the understanding I may not get that chance and it's very dangerous to even hope.

 

Thanks,

 

Greg

[Balzac]

Work on your own independent happpiness. Work on being the best father you can be. Ask yourself why you stayed miserable for so long.

The less focus you put on securing her happiness, the faster you'll become a better man.

 

I'm sure your child is the focus of your life and joy. Miserable marriages are not good for children.