Fury at him...and myself

[GypsyTears]

About 15 months ago, a co-worker approached me about having an affair. We were both dealing with spouses who we suspected were cheating on us, so we agreed to cross that line. "Tit for tat" is what he said to me. I had caught my husband cheating 6 times in the past 3 years and suspected he was doing it again. So, yes...I agreed to the affair. Well, within 6 weeks of the beginning of our affair, we developed feelings for one another. He finally took me aside and said he couldn't share me with my husband anymore. He wanted to cut off our relationship unless we were both willing to divorce our cheating spouses. I agreed...and moved forward with divorcing my husband who was devastated by the news. A month after I filed for divorce, he filed for divorce on his cheating wife. All through the fall last year, things were good between us. We were both dealing with bitter, ugly divorces but we had each other.

 

Then the spring came and something changed. His STBX wife signed their kids up for soccer and baseball at the same time. This meant that he would be away from me (and with her) quite a bit. That's when things started to go downhill for us.... The more time he spent with her....and less he spent with me....the more our fighting escalated. By the time summer came, I only got to see him every other weekend. I felt he was spending way too much time with his STBX.

 

We finally broke up for the first time in early June. I was devastated. I suspected that he was reconciling with his wife. I was infuriated because I had destroyed my family and marriage to be with him....something I could never get back....and here he was keeping his intact. I felt horribly betrayed and crushed. Over the next few weeks, he kept coming back to me though. He finally admitted that he HAD reconciled with his wife (including sleeping with her) but that he was really in love with me and wanted to be with me. He claimed to only be with her because of their kids. He is scared to lose custody of his kids and she is using that as leverage to keep him by her side.

 

Since June, we have gone back and forth about what is reasonable for him to be around her. I feel he has a lack of boundaries with her which is disrespectful to me and our relationship. He claims to just want to spend as much time with his kids as possible and, unfortunately, she will only let him do that in her presence.

 

Then came last weekend.... Neither one of us had custody of our kids. It was supposed to be OUR weekend together. On Friday I had told him that I felt like our relationship was dying on the vine and that I had lost the man I loved. He told me I was wrong but still stayed over at HER house til nearly 8 PM! He finally came to my house and we watched some movies, made love, etc... The next morning, as soon as he woke up, he told me that he was going back to her house to build a potato gun with his son. I was FURIOUS. I felt very hurt and angry that he would not invest time trying to rebuild OUR relationship which was in a lot of trouble. I told him that if he was going to leave, don't come back. I told him that he could have built a potato gun with his son the next weekend, when he had custody....or even on Sunday night when he knew I had custody of my kids again. He didn't need to leave during OUR time together to go do that....not when we were in such dire straits. He didn't agree and didn't care. He left anyway....

 

So now it has been a week. We are no contact. I am almost positive that he is back with his wife again although I am not checking up to confirm it. I am waffling back and forth between being angry and being hurt/betrayed. While I do not blame him for the destruction of my marriage, I am angry that he filled me with false hope. That he built me up with promises and words of love that I don't think he ever really meant. And because of his whispers in my ear, I destroyed my marriage and family. It's true that my marriage may have ended someday, but not now and not like it did. I hate him and still love him all at the same time. I miss him and the life we had when things were good. I hate that I am now all alone and struggling because I believed in a man who essentially used me for a good time. I have lost everything - my job (he lost his job too), my family, my lifestyle...all of it.

 

And, at the end of the day, I know that I alone am responsible for where I am.... But that still doesn't make him blameless.

[UpwardForward]

Two marriages ruined.

 

Are you certain your H was cheating on you before you had the A w MM?

 

Probably you must consider the MM will want to sleep w you and his W, unless she finally kicks him out. Would you even want him under those circumstances?

 

Rather than settling for just sharing the MM indefinitely, I would think it would be the wisest choice to cut it off w him and be alone. Then think upon if you wish to go forward by yourself - or if you may want to reconcile w your xH.

 

If you close things off completely w the MM, your xH will find out - and he may possibly return to you -if he isn't with another.

Edited August 19, 2012 by UpwardForward

[GypsyTears]

Upward,

 

Thank you for your reply....

 

Yes, I am pretty certain that my ex-H was cheating on me before I started the affair with MM. As I mentioned in my post, I had caught him at least 6 times in the 3 years prior. He was exhibiting all the same behaviors again... And after I told him I wanted a divorce, he showed up with a girlfriend 2 days later. To this day, he still denies he was cheating and says his friends "hooked him up" to make him feel better about our divorce. But I don't buy that.... He would never admit to cheating before. I had to bust him with undeniable proof before he would ever admit to it in the past.

 

As for MM, he and his wife separated the day after I filed for my divorce. She bagged up his stuff and threw him out of the house. But she was cheating on him too. He walked in on her having sex with one of her coworkers in their living room.

 

So from August of last year until June of this year, I was under the impression that he did NOT want to be married to her. He was very adamant to my face...and still is, in fact....that he wants a divorce from her because she is a liar, cheat, and all around ugly person.

 

And that's where part of my anger lies... You see, he says one thing to my face, but his actions say something else. To me, he SAYS he wants to divorce her and marry me, but he spends way too much time at her house and invests NO TIME on our relationship anymore.

[Emme]

About 15 months ago, a co-worker approached me about having an affair. We were both dealing with spouses who we suspected were cheating on us, so we agreed to cross that line. "Tit for tat" is what he said to me. I had caught my husband cheating 6 times in the past 3 years and suspected he was doing it again. So, yes...I agreed to the affair. Well, within 6 weeks of the beginning of our affair, we developed feelings for one another. He finally took me aside and said he couldn't share me with my husband anymore. He wanted to cut off our relationship unless we were both willing to divorce our cheating spouses. I agreed...and moved forward with divorcing my husband who was devastated by the news. A month after I filed for divorce, he filed for divorce on his cheating wife. All through the fall last year, things were good between us. We were both dealing with bitter, ugly divorces but we had each other.

 

What proof did you have that he was filing for a divorce?

 

 

Then the spring came and something changed. His STBX wife signed their kids up for soccer and baseball at the same time. This meant that he would be away from me (and with her) quite a bit. That's when things started to go downhill for us.... The more time he spent with her....and less he spent with me....the more our fighting escalated. By the time summer came, I only got to see him every other weekend. I felt he was spending way too much time with his STBX.

 

I'm a little confused. Now when you sign a child up for sports you don't have to go to practice (one parent). You can just go to the game. She didn't sign him up as coach. Therefore all this time he was spending was unnecessary. That was your first sign and you chose to over look it. Two games does not last 48 hours. You allowed this man freedom which he is entitled to. What you didn't do was set your guidelines.

 

We finally broke up for the first time in early June. I was devastated. I suspected that he was reconciling with his wife. I was infuriated because I had destroyed my family and marriage to be with him....something I could never get back....and here he was keeping his intact. I felt horribly betrayed and crushed. Over the next few weeks, he kept coming back to me though. He finally admitted that he HAD reconciled with his wife (including sleeping with her) but that he was really in love with me and wanted to be with me. He claimed to only be with her because of their kids. He is scared to lose custody of his kids and she is using that as leverage to keep him by her side.

 

You can't be mad at him as to the reason why you ended your marriage. When you ended it, it was suppose to be because you didn't want your husband anymore and wanted your freedom.

 

She can use whatever leverage she wants to. That's the reality of it all. He had a change of heart. It's sad that it happened but he's choosing his family first. Those kids need a father and he wants to be there.

 

 

Since June, we have gone back and forth about what is reasonable for him to be around her. I feel he has a lack of boundaries with her which is disrespectful to me and our relationship. He claims to just want to spend as much time with his kids as possible and, unfortunately, she will only let him do that in her presence.

 

She might say the same about him cheating with you. From your post I truly don't think you had a relationship. Meaning it wasn't defined/monogamous. I think you let him come and go as he pleased and you were ok with that as long as he found the time to be by your side.

 

Then came last weekend.... Neither one of us had custody of our kids. It was supposed to be OUR weekend together. On Friday I had told him that I felt like our relationship was dying on the vine and that I had lost the man I loved. He told me I was wrong but still stayed over at HER house til nearly 8 PM! He finally came to my house and we watched some movies, made love, etc... The next morning, as soon as he woke up, he told me that he was going back to her house to build a potato gun with his son. I was FURIOUS. I felt very hurt and angry that he would not invest time trying to rebuild OUR relationship which was in a lot of trouble. I told him that if he was going to leave, don't come back. I told him that he could have built a potato gun with his son the next weekend, when he had custody....or even on Sunday night when he knew I had custody of my kids again. He didn't need to leave during OUR time together to go do that....not when we were in such dire straits. He didn't agree and didn't care. He left anyway....

 

What plans did you have in place for "OUR" weekend? Did he have prior knowledge that you had planned a weekend to spend with him?

 

He didn't agree, Perfect. He didn't care. You got the answer you've been looking for. Now you know where you are on his list, nowhere. It's sad that you are no longer together but I'm kinda happy for yah. He did you a favor by going back to his "cheating" wife. Wish him luck and wave girl.

 

So now it has been a week. We are no contact. I am almost positive that he is back with his wife again although I am not checking up to confirm it. I am waffling back and forth between being angry and being hurt/betrayed. While I do not blame him for the destruction of my marriage, I am angry that he filled me with false hope. That he built me up with promises and words of love that I don't think he ever really meant. And because of his whispers in my ear, I destroyed my marriage and family. It's true that my marriage may have ended someday, but not now and not like it did. I hate him and still love him all at the same time. I miss him and the life we had when things were good. I hate that I am now all alone and struggling because I believed in a man who essentially used me for a good time. I have lost everything - my job (he lost his job too), my family, my lifestyle...all of it.

 

He left. He is with his wife.

 

You didn't destroy your marriage. You ended a marriage that was making you unhappy. Don't be sad at the fact it came sooner rather than later. You can actually say he did do you a favor. He helped you not waste your youth on a man you don't love. Can you imagine being older and then leaving... You got some extra years. Use it.

 

And, at the end of the day, I know that I alone am responsible for where I am.... But that still doesn't make him blameless.

 

 

Try to forget the but part. You should be proud of yourself that you ended your marriage and know you deserve more. Feel sorry for him that he hasn't... that's if what he said was true.

[mercy]

Use that anger to your benefit. Remember it. Learn from it. Then use it to make healthy decisions for yourself and your children.

 

You're free. Be thankful.

[Artie Lang]

the thing is, you should've divorced your husband a long time ago, if what you say is true about his cheating ways. what you had was an "exit affair." you didn't have the courage to leave with your morals intact. you chose the cowards way out... no offense. now you're exactly like your husband... a CHEATER.

 

you go on to say that you "destroyed my family and marriage," when in fact your marriage was already destroyed. the affair was the culmination of all your marital troubles. you said it yourself- your marriage wouldn't have "lasted much longer."[i'm wondering if this can be considered a "revenge" affair," given that you did it out of spite for your husbands' infidelity]

 

to be honest, the both of you were using each other to get what was lacking within your respective marriages. the kicker is that he eventually snapped out of the fog, and realized that it was only a fling... a fantasy... an escape from his faltering relationship. you, on the other hand, had checked-out of your marriage some time ago and were looking for a way out- you were DONE! he left his options opened, while you left yourself with only one-- DIVORCE. now you're resentful because he has that other option and you DON'T.

 

 

what i'm saying might sound harsh, but i think you can handle it.

Edited August 19, 2012 by Artie Lang

[road]

Upward,

 

But she was cheating on him too. He walked in on her having sex with one of her coworkers in their living room.

 

And that's where part of my anger lies... You see, he says one thing to my face, but his actions say something else.

 

He has been lying to you since the beginning so unless he has the video tape to prove it I doubt that he found his BW in bed with an OM.

 

You need to only be mad at yourself.

 

Revenge affairs to not repair and recover marriages. But you had a RA any way and now you are mad that you are a part time mom on your own and the OM won't support you. You believed a liar and a cheat would support you.

 

A WH that had no honor and would cheat on his BW is all of a sudden going to honor you and support you?

 

Why? You that good in bed or that easy?

 

Your life is in the toilet because of the decisions you made.

 

Who had the gun at your head to bang the OM?

 

Who had the gun at your head to D your husband?

 

Who.................................... to become a part time mom?

[woinlove]

My advice is to channel that fury toward building a new life for yourself, on your own. Make a plan to have the best life you can, on your own, with your children, taking care of yourself and your children. Make a plan to be happy on your own. As part of that plan, learn why you made the bad choices you did. Right now that will look impossible, but if you start filling your life with things that matter to you, that you know you would enjoy if you weren't so heartbroken, if you learn more about yourself, the happiness will come. When you get there, I expect you will have no interest in this man even if he came begging. And he might, once he sees you happy and independent. Once you get there, you will be ready to find love with someone who can commit and that probably isn't this man unless he really changes too.

[UpwardForward]

Upward,

 

Thank you for your reply....

 

Yes, I am pretty certain that my ex-H was cheating on me before I started the affair with MM. As I mentioned in my post, I had caught him at least 6 times in the 3 years prior. He was exhibiting all the same behaviors again... And after I told him I wanted a divorce, he showed up with a girlfriend 2 days later. To this day, he still denies he was cheating and says his friends "hooked him up" to make him feel better about our divorce. But I don't buy that.... He would never admit to cheating before. I had to bust him with undeniable proof before he would ever admit to it in the past.

 

As for MM, he and his wife separated the day after I filed for my divorce. She bagged up his stuff and threw him out of the house. But she was cheating on him too. He walked in on her having sex with one of her coworkers in their living room.

 

So from August of last year until June of this year, I was under the impression that he did NOT want to be married to her. He was very adamant to my face...and still is, in fact....that he wants a divorce from her because she is a liar, cheat, and all around ugly person.

 

And that's where part of my anger lies... You see, he says one thing to my face, but his actions say something else. To me, he SAYS he wants to divorce her and marry me, but he spends way too much time at her house and invests NO TIME on our relationship anymore.

 

You went from a man who was cheating on you to another man who cheated on his wife (regardless their circumstances).

 

As others have said, the results of the revenge A just gave you your freedom earlier.

 

Look upon this as a good reason to clean house and rebuild your life. IMO you will not be happy until you're happy within yourself - and looking to a bright new future.

[stillafool]

Yes this man lied to you and is still lying to you. Drop him. You didn't lose anything by divorcing a serial cheating husband. As others have said use your anger to move on to a new life. This guy will never divorce his wife as long as she wants him.

[spice4life]

My advice is to channel that fury toward building a new life for yourself, on your own. Make a plan to have the best life you can, on your own, with your children, taking care of yourself and your children. Make a plan to be happy on your own. As part of that plan, learn why you made the bad choices you did. Right now that will look impossible, but if you start filling your life with things that matter to you, that you know you would enjoy if you weren't so heartbroken, if you learn more about yourself, the happiness will come. When you get there, I expect you will have no interest in this man even if he came begging. And he might, once he sees you happy and independent. Once you get there, you will be ready to find love with someone who can commit and that probably isn't this man unless he really changes too.

 

OP, woinlove has given you excellent advice. This is eactly what you should do. Things may be a mess right now, but if you focus on yourself and what want and need instead of settling, you will be in a much better place when the dust settles. Once it does you will be thankful you are out of a sham marriage and free to find the life you really want.

[ThatJustHappened]

 

 

Since June, we have gone back and forth about what is reasonable for him to be around her. I feel he has a lack of boundaries with her which is disrespectful to me and our relationship. He claims to just want to spend as much time with his kids as possible and, unfortunately, she will only let him do that in her presence.

 

Then came last weekend.... Neither one of us had custody of our kids. It was supposed to be OUR weekend together. On Friday I had told him that I felt like our relationship was dying on the vine and that I had lost the man I loved. He told me I was wrong but still stayed over at HER house til nearly 8 PM! He finally came to my house and we watched some movies, made love, etc... The next morning, as soon as he woke up, he told me that he was going back to her house to build a potato gun with his son. I was FURIOUS. I felt very hurt and angry that he would not invest time trying to rebuild OUR relationship which was in a lot of trouble. I told him that if he was going to leave, don't come back. I told him that he could have built a potato gun with his son the next weekend, when he had custody....or even on Sunday night when he knew I had custody of my kids again. He didn't need to leave during OUR time together to go do that....not when we were in such dire straits. He didn't agree and didn't care. He left anyway....

 

1. He doesn't have a lack of boundaries with her..she is is wife. He has a lack of boundaries with you.

 

2. You were furious that he was spending time with his son? That he was being a good dad? His kids are far more important than you are..he should be with them EVERY weekend. Would you put him before your children? If your kid(s) had wanted you or needed you that weekend, would you have ditched them to be with him?

Edited August 19, 2012 by ThatJustHappened

[UpwardForward]

1. He doesn't have a lack of boundaries with her..she is is wife. He has a lack of boundaries with you.

 

2. You were furious that he was spending time with his son? That he was being a good dad? His kids are far more important than you are..he should be with them EVERY weekend. Would you put him before your children? If your kid(s) had wanted you or needed you that weekend, would you have ditched them to be with him?

 

Just bad decisions on your part Gypsy.

 

You can still use this to overcome and make a new life for yourself.

[GypsyTears]

What proof did you have that he was filing for a divorce?

 

I didn't have "proof" per se. I had his word. He said he was tired of the serial cheating with her. He said their entire marriage had been nothing more than a "back and forth" of cheating. She would cheat on him, so he would cheat on her. Then she would cheat on him again...and so on. He said he was tired of it. Done. He wanted to start over fresh with someone new (i.e. me).

 

 

 

I'm a little confused. Now when you sign a child up for sports you don't have to go to practice (one parent). You can just go to the game. She didn't sign him up as coach. Therefore all this time he was spending was unnecessary. That was your first sign and you chose to over look it. Two games does not last 48 hours. You allowed this man freedom which he is entitled to. What you didn't do was set your guidelines.

 

Allow me to better explain. My divorce was final on 9/1/11. I have a joint custody agreement with my ex-husband. We each get the kids for a week at a time (Sunday - Sunday). MM, on the other, has a temporary custody agreement with his STBXW. She has full custody of the kids and gets them every other weekend (Thurs - Sun) and every Thursday.

 

During the week that I did not have custody and he didn't have his kids, we lived together. Up until January of this year, we worked together too... So we essentially spent all of our time together when one of us didn't have our children. We decided until our respective legal battles were done (his divorce and my custody fight), we would not bring each other around our children. His STBXW knows that... So she signed their children up for sports - soccer, baseball, and softball. She coached softball. He coached baseball. Between all the sports, he was gone 5 days a week, MINIMUM. He attended practices because they are his kids and he felt he needed to attend if he is trying to get full custody of his children.

 

So there were boundaries and guidelines in place....and have been. But when he is trying to get full custody of his children, I can't very well tell him that he can't or shouldn't attend their practices and games, can I? I was trying to be supportive and understanding. But the more time he spent around her, and the less time around me, the more our relationship began to disintergrate.

 

 

You can't be mad at him as to the reason why you ended your marriage. When you ended it, it was suppose to be because you didn't want your husband anymore and wanted your freedom.

 

She can use whatever leverage she wants to. That's the reality of it all. He had a change of heart. It's sad that it happened but he's choosing his family first. Those kids need a father and he wants to be there.

 

She might say the same about him cheating with you. From your post I truly don't think you had a relationship. Meaning it wasn't defined/monogamous. I think you let him come and go as he pleased and you were ok with that as long as he found the time to be by your side.

 

You are entitled to your opinion, but I vehemently disagree with you. We DID have a defined, monogamous relationship. We flippin' lived together from August to March. He even asked me to marry him once his divorce was final. HE ASKED ME.... I told him to ask me again once his divorce was final. I was introduced to his parents, family, friends, everyone.... He wanted to get matching tattoos. I was the one who wasn't ready for that...

 

 

What plans did you have in place for "OUR" weekend? Did he have prior knowledge that you had planned a weekend to spend with him?

 

He didn't agree, Perfect. He didn't care. You got the answer you've been looking for. Now you know where you are on his list, nowhere. It's sad that you are no longer together but I'm kinda happy for yah. He did you a favor by going back to his "cheating" wife. Wish him luck and wave girl.

 

 

 

He left. He is with his wife.

 

First of all, I don't know FOR SURE if he is with his "cheating" wife or not. I only suspect he is.... Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. And yes...he knew we had intended to spend the weekend together because we spent every other weekend together since last August. It was our routine....If neither of us had our children, we were inseparable. That is the way it has been and what we had both come to expect.

 

Personally, I feel like you are coming across with a tinge of personal bitterness in your perspective on my situation. Your opinions are rather presumptive, harsh, and cold. Regardless of whether you agree with my decision to be with this man or not, it still doesn't change the heartbreak I feel that our relationship appears to have fallen apart. I invested a lot of time, money, and effort into this man....only to have him not equally invest it back. That's a hard thing to cope with....no matter the circumstances.

[GypsyTears]

He has been lying to you since the beginning so unless he has the video tape to prove it I doubt that he found his BW in bed with an OM.

 

Not true... He did find them in bed together because he took pictures of them NAKED TOGETHER and gave them to his attorney for the divorce. I have seen the pictures. The judge in their case has seen the pictures. The judge knows that he is dating me and she is dating whomever (she has changed boyfriends several times already).

 

So please don't presume.

 

A WH that had no honor and would cheat on his BW is all of a sudden going to honor you and support you?

 

Why? You that good in bed or that easy?

 

Your life is in the toilet because of the decisions you made.

 

Who had the gun at your head to bang the OM?

 

Who had the gun at your head to D your husband?

 

Who.................................... to become a part time mom?

 

I believed that he was a person who has been eaten up by what infidelity can do to a marriage. I understand that feeling so well because I have been there. So..no one put a gun to my head. But we both understood each other's pain and wanted to start fresh with someone who knew what it felt like.

 

Honestly, do you really feel your "advice" is helpful??? Please get off of my thread if you can't be constructive.

[GypsyTears]

1. He doesn't have a lack of boundaries with her..she is is wife. He has a lack of boundaries with you.

 

She is his wife on paper. According to him, he doesn't want to be married to her. He hates her. She is psycho and abusive. I've seen the gouge marks and scratches on his face and neck from her attacking him. He has had to call the police on her several times for domestic violence. She has FELONY battery charges against her. She also killed their family pets just out spite and neglect.

 

She is only his wife because the court system is slow. By his own choice and admission, he was in a RELATIONSHIP with ME. Therefore, I am within my right to expect him to have certain boundaries with HER.

 

2. You were furious that he was spending time with his son? That he was being a good dad? His kids are far more important than you are..he should be with them EVERY weekend. Would you put him before your children? If your kid(s) had wanted you or needed you that weekend, would you have ditched them to be with him?

 

I have been supportive of him spending as much time with his kids as he wants. He sees them every day!!! She brings them to him in the morning before she goes to work and he takes them to school. Then when he gets home from work, he takes them back to her. My issue wasn't that he chose to spend time with his kids. My issue was that he knew we were having problems in OUR relationship. He needed to invest time and energy into trying to fix our problems.... Not running off to do something with his son that could have waited a day. It wasn't that his son NEEDED him.... It was the plain and simple fact that he was avoiding what he needed to do for US by purposely finding a "reason" not to be there.

 

And yes, I recognize what that means.....which is why I broke up with him.

 

Jesus, people..... You all are so judgmental and presumptive that its ridiculous.

[UpwardForward]

 

 

My issue was that he knew we were having problems in OUR relationship. He needed to invest time and energy into trying to fix our problems.... Not running off to do something with his son that could have waited a day. It wasn't that his son NEEDED him.... It was the plain and simple fact that he was avoiding what he needed to do for US by purposely finding a "reason" not to be there.

 

And yes, I recognize what that means.....which is why I broke up with him.

 

Jesus, people..... You all are so judgmental and presumptive that its ridiculous.

 

Gypsy,

 

You can't do anything about it if someone decides to spend time with their children. It's always a need and a good investment. There should be no boundaries where one's children are concerned.

 

I'm happy you didn't get the tattoo. If the time and money you spend w him and the relationship involves him owing you money, I hope you get it back.

 

There's just nothing we can do about someone's change of heart in M - or outside of M. I guess they owe us nothing in that respect.

[Pink_orchid]

Gypsy Tears I can see how much you hurt. I am going to tell you how I see it. You have to remember there are a LOT of people on here who are wives of cheating husbands and they are only too pleased to sing the smug husband-went-back-to-wife song. I for one can't see how you could ever trust someone again who has cheated, and sometimes cheated multiple times and/or for a long time... and who knew perfectly well what they were doing... but some woman don't want to be on their own, can't cope with it, so they hang on to damaged relationships and to men who have basically humiliated them... then they come on here and claim that they are stronger than ever, yeah right... They are bound to write things like how very little the 'Other Women' meant because they have to convince themselves it is true in their case. And some of these posters I've noticed are VERY clever and ostensibly are sympathetic, then it's 'Oh honey you know he never loved you and doesn't care a jot about you, you should move on while he's happily on vacation with his wife and family' Do you see what I mean LOL. Thinly veiled digs everywhere.

 

On the other hand some people on here genuinely want to help. While you're in such a state it is difficult to see the woods for the trees and sort the crap from the useful.

 

Anyway having said that, this man looks to have gone back to his wife and you're best out of it in my humble opinion... he appears to be totally f**cked up. I know it's easier said than done to go NC and cut him off... I've been there... and struggled... but for whatever reason, they (your MM and his wife) seem to want to resume their little dysfunctional dance... and don't for one minute think they will sail into the sunset happy ever after, look at how it's been up until now... but I just think it is all starting to drive you mad... and it does drive you mad... as I say I've been there... and I'd knock it on the head, now, you deserve better.

 

Because he's not sure what he wants he's acting like a d**k and giving you mixed messages. I had that and it really does send you crazy. Just imagine you were with him though and he went to her house and was gone for some time... would you ever trust him anyway with what's happened... the wife/ex-wife still lurking around and maybe playing the emotional blackmail card over the kids... probably not...

 

You say you're not sure about a few things like whether he was there or not but your intuition knows. Woman's intuition - it's brilliant! Bin him! You deserve better!

Edited August 19, 2012 by Pink_orchid

[woinlove]

Jesus, people..... You all are so judgmental and presumptive that its ridiculous.

 

Sorry, I was just trying to help based on what I know from my own experience and what I have learned here.

[ThatJustHappened]

I notice you avoided my question about whether or not you would ditch your own children for him...

 

My point is, the kids come first. Always. His son is witnessing what sounds like a very rough patch in his parents marriage. Even if they haven't told him anything, kids aren't stupid..in fact most of them are exceptionally observant. I can't imagine the poor kid hasn't noticed anything and I'm sure he's hurting. He does NEED his father right now more than ever. It's not the activity that's important, it's the TIME spent together. That child needs to know that his dad loves him. For you to act spiteful towards this guy for being a good father just makes you look selfish, jealous, spoiled, and mean..the epitome of the iconic evil stepmother (or girlfriend, as it were).

 

The kids needs are much more important than yours and they always will be. If you can't handle that, then go for a single, childless man next time.

[SBC]

. I have lost everything - my job , my family, my lifestyle...all of it.

 

And, at the end of the day, I know that I alone am responsible for where I am.... .

 

Then you have nowhere to go from here, but up. Time to rebuild.

 

There is something wrong with your family (your family, not your ex-husband's family) if you lost them in the process. Are you sure you have lost them, or are they just lost to you now in your suffering? Real friends and family will not turn their back on you in times of trouble --maybe a few of them you can reach out to in hopes of making a connection.

 

I know this seems like a horrible place you are in, but this is the start of something new for you. Once you get past the heartbreak, you will come out in a better place. You are free of a bad marriage, and at the same time, free of your MM...who by your account, really isn't all that great anyway. YOU are the one with all the options.

 

As soon as you figure this out, life will be much sweeter for you. I promise.

[Emme]

Allow me to better explain. My divorce was final on 9/1/11. I have a joint custody agreement with my ex-husband. We each get the kids for a week at a time (Sunday - Sunday). MM, on the other, has a temporary custody agreement with his STBXW. She has full custody of the kids and gets them every other weekend (Thurs - Sun) and every Thursday.

 

During the week that I did not have custody and he didn't have his kids, we lived together. Up until January of this year, we worked together too... So we essentially spent all of our time together when one of us didn't have our children. We decided until our respective legal battles were done (his divorce and my custody fight), we would not bring each other around our children. His STBXW knows that... So she signed their children up for sports - soccer, baseball, and softball. She coached softball. He coached baseball. Between all the sports, he was gone 5 days a week, MINIMUM. He attended practices because they are his kids and he felt he needed to attend if he is trying to get full custody of his children.

 

So there were boundaries and guidelines in place....and have been. But when he is trying to get full custody of his children, I can't very well tell him that he can't or shouldn't attend their practices and games, can I? I was trying to be supportive and understanding. But the more time he spent around her, and the less time around me, the more our relationship began to disintergrate.

 

You are entitled to your opinion, but I vehemently disagree with you. We DID have a defined, monogamous relationship. We flippin' lived together from August to March. He even asked me to marry him once his divorce was final. HE ASKED ME.... I told him to ask me again once his divorce was final. I was introduced to his parents, family, friends, everyone.... He wanted to get matching tattoos. I was the one who wasn't ready for that...

 

 

I want you to step back and see where I'm coming from.

 

You decided to have a future with this man but thought it was best not to have any interaction with his children. You were being respectful, good. The thing is the day would come that all of you would have to interact. You would have to meet his kids and the kids would have to meet each other. If your telling me you guys lived together where were you going every other weekend. Where were you going? If you lived together. What your saying to me is he left to be with his children at his wife's (their) home every other weekend. If the case is he lived with you, you would have to leave the residence when he had custody of his children. That means every other weekend you would have to find a new home.

 

Now when I live with a man. You are in my bed when I say goodnight. Your man that lived with you was gone for 5 days. He did not make it a point to make his way back home to you when the day ended. He does not live with you, by my definition. I'll explain. I want you to go around your home and count how many pieces of furniture he has brought in to live with you. I want you to tell me how much clothing space he's taken up, the dresser drawers and the closet. I want you to tell me when the bills arrive how many of them are in his name. Is his name on the lease.

 

You have no idea where this man is that wanted to marry you, no idea. We are all assuming he's with the wife. Any man can take off his hat off and rest it on a table. It doesn't make the house he puts his hat down in his home. That's the way that I want you to look at it. Anyone can play house.

 

You vehemently disagree, ok. Your man is missing. Have you been to your local police station to file a missing persons report. Have you rung his phone to know if he's dead or alive. When you are in a monogamous relationship it doesn't mean you stop caring or loving that person. What have you done?

 

 

 

First of all, I don't know FOR SURE if he is with his "cheating" wife or not. I only suspect he is.... Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. And yes...he knew we had intended to spend the weekend together because we spent every other weekend together since last August. It was our routine....If neither of us had our children, we were inseparable. That is the way it has been and what we had both come to expect.

 

Personally, I feel like you are coming across with a tinge of personal bitterness in your perspective on my situation. Your opinions are rather presumptive, harsh, and cold. Regardless of whether you agree with my decision to be with this man or not, it still doesn't change the heartbreak I feel that our relationship appears to have fallen apart. I invested a lot of time, money, and effort into this man....only to have him not equally invest it back. That's a hard thing to cope with....no matter the circumstances.

 

 

Men are horrible mind readers. I mean just horrible. A normal routine does not mean its a definite. Things happen in life and changes occur. That's life.

 

I'm coming across as someone who's giving you a new perspective. It's one that you might not like. I am a cold hearted woman in real life but trust me when I say my post was sweet. Trust me.

 

It's time for you to look at the relationship for what it is or was.

 

Decide what you want and act. Don't sit and wait for your future husband to.

[hermione08]

Regardless of everything else, my advice is: never be in a relationship with an indecisive man. This man doesn't know what he wants, so he'll always yo yo back and forth between women and situations. You want to be with someone who knows for sure he wants you.

The kids are always an excuse. You can be a good father and have a relationship with a new woman. Many men do it, so why can't he? Because he's not strong enough. He's a weak man who prefers to keep a relationship going with an abusive, cheating wife rather than divorce her for good.

Would you ever be happy with such a man? I don't think so, what do you think?

[chalkfarm]

I'm sorry people are being judgemental and presumptive. I hate that and I see it a lot.

 

I agree. People are posting blaming, shaming responses full of pointless questions that are of no help.

 

Gypsy, I completely understand your pain and utter bewilderment. COMPLETELY. You 100% deserve to be angry and hurt. Furious, in fact!

 

There is nothing more sadistic than what this man has put the women in his life through.

 

I wish I had some advice or words of wisdom..... I can tell you that the only thing that saved me was total NC. No wishy washy crap. No back and forth. No words of love. No begging. NOTHING. When my XMM said he was thinking about ending the separation and going home, I cut contact. Period. It was the ONLY bit of pride I had left and I truly believe that it saved me.

 

I realize that the words I typed sound strong but believe me when I tell you, it nearly killed me. I can only imagine that the fear and worry you are feeling will only be worse if you are strung along and he see-saws.... Perhaps you too can muster some strength to do what will be the best for you. FOR YOU. FOR YOU, GYPSY! Take care of you.

[Fitz]

And, at the end of the day, I know that I alone am responsible for where I am.... But that still doesn't make him blameless.

 

Sure!

 

Yours is a situation that I've seen several times on LS: The Double Cross.

 

It works just like a heist movie. You and MM decided to rob a bank and then run off into the sunset together with the cash. But after robbing the bank, he ran off with your share of the loot and left you empty handed.

 

But instead of "robbing a bank" you compromised yourself and your beliefs by cheating. And instead of "money", the pay-off you expected was a committed, loving relationship.

 

So you're angry because you compromised yourself and yet got nothing long term out of the deal (aka heist).

 

And I sympathize with you! The promise of love is a very powerful thing!

It makes us all vulnerable. Really, who wouldn't tell a few lies if it meant ending up with true lasting love? Doesn't love make all things possible? And move mountains? And free wayward MM from "allegedly" bad marriages?

 

The problem is that romantic emotions, hormones and sexual intimacy can cloud your judgement and make it hard to be objective about reality. So once you've become emotionally invested, and wayward MM is in his hunting mode -it's hard to differentiate real true lasting love from the fake, warmed over, horny cheap stuff. Some liken it to being in a fog.

 

Once you are in the "fog", the only way to navigate safely through the "fog" is to stay true to your core beliefs. In other words, knowing who you are, and staying true to who you are will be your guiding light. Now that doesn't gaurantee marriage, or sex, or a date on your birthday. And it doesn't mean it's easy or simple. But staying true to your beliefs will never lead you astray.

 

This article is from one of my favorite relationship advice sites and you may find it helpful:

 

Why Affairs Are Like Being Double-Crossed In A Heist | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

Edited August 21, 2012 by Fitz