I Am Grounded For Life For Having Sex

[StartingAgain]

Back in th Dark Ages, when I was 17, my parents had gone to dinner and then to the park with my five year old sister. I took advantage of the situation and had my GF over for a nice little romp. My parents thought that I'd gone out for the evening. Well, they weren't gone as long as I had expected and suddenly my bedroom door opened (none of the bedrooms in our house had locks). Dad! OMG!! All he did was calmly say "Son, I need to speak with you" and closed the door. I took my GF home and sweated major bullets the whole way. My dad asked me "What could you have been thinking? What if it had been your sister coming in there instead of me?" (my sister had a tendency to just come roaring into my room.) He said, "I'd rather you waited until you are older to start having sex, but I know that the urge is too strong and you are going to do what you will regardless of what I want. So, do you have any condoms? No!?! If you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to be responsible about it. Go get some tomorrow and show them to me. Because if you get that litttle girl pregnant, I'm going to kick your ass all over the county."

 

Dad was right on all counts and he handled the situation exactly as he should.

[HoldOn]

abstinence ain't just a wise idea for kids - and *not* because of morality or whatever other 'rule' but just for self-preservation's sake.

 

You are absolutely right. It's so much MORE likely to regret having sex, than to regret not having sex. When in doubt keep your pants on.

 

But I would say that morality and self-preservation are both good reasons not to do it.

 

isn't the 16 year-old woman equally unprepared and vulnerable as the 26-year old woman?

I wouldn't agree completely, but yes in theory. What we're talking about here is how parents should treat teenagers, so the discussion was more about teenagers.

 

I would never have sex with a girl in her parents house. To me, it's disrespectful.

 

And I would've grounded my kid for life for doing what she did, too. My house, my rules.

 

You got it! OMG, I would have been grounded for LIFE and probably never get to see my bf again! I knew my house had rules and I knew what the consequences would be.

 

Saying that you can't tell kids what to do because they'll just want to do it more is just weak. It's a cop out from actually having to discipline your children.

[moimeme]

Ingenuous of you

 

[StartingAgain]

isn't the 16 year-old woman equally unprepared and vulnerable as the 26-year old woman?

 

Oh no, this isn't true at all. A 16 year old girl is a girl with almost no life experience. She will mature a lot over the following ten years. A 26 year old woman should be prepared to handle the emotional ramifications of a sexual relationship and keep things in perspective. I've never met a 16 year old who could do this.

 

 

Saying that you can't tell kids what to do because they'll just want to do it more is just weak. It's a cop out from actually having to discipline your children.

 

But this I agree with 100%. Being a parent, especially a parent of a teenager, has got to be the hardest job there is. Unfortunately, too many parents just aren't up to it. They don't do their jobs and then wonder where they went wrong when the kid gets into trouble.

[moimeme]

A 26 year old woman should be prepared to handle the emotional ramifications of a sexual relationship and keep things in perspective

 

Age certainly doesn't change the scope or extent of heartbreak. People of all ages can suffer the same sort of crushing loss when relationships end. It's just that, having survived a couple losses, they know they won't die from it but the pain isn't any less.

[moimeme]

Chemicals is chemicals - no amount of age confers immunity!

 

Oxytocin - This is released by the hypothalamus gland during child birth and also helps the breast express milk. It helps cement the strong bond between mother and child. It is also released by both sexes during orgasm and it is thought that it promotes bonding when adults are intimate. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/

[loves2much]

I started having sex when i was 17 years old...should i have been punished for it? I don't think so. I knew what i was doing and i wanted to do it. I had been with my boyfriend at that time for well over 2 years. I waited and i felt i was ready. You can not judge some one just because they had sex. By the age of 16 you are a "consenting adult". If this girl is 14 or younger she should get punished, if she is over the age of 14 i would just let it go...and put her on birth control and made sure she knows all the risks of having sex...of course i would be mad at first then i would help her.

 

Have you noticed no body ever yells at the sons for having sex...just their little girls. thats messed up!

[StartingAgain]

"Have you noticed no body ever yells at the sons for having sex...just their little girls. thats messed up!"

 

This isn't true.

[UCFKevin]

Boy, some of you people are WAAAAAAAAAY too lax. You wouldn't care if your 15 or 16 year old sons or daughters were having sex? Or at the very least, not discourage them and just teach them right from wrong? "Well, it's okay that you're having sex, but here's what you need to know." ? That's really quite messed up to me.

 

Christ, if I found out, I'd tell them about STDs, pregnancy, what happens after pregnancy (the guy will probably flee) ruining school and college, all that stuff.

 

I dare my kids to have sex when they're that young. I DARE THEM.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by StartingAgain

isn't the 16 year-old woman equally unprepared and vulnerable as the 26-year old woman?

 

Oh no, this isn't true at all. A 16 year old girl is a girl with almost no life experience. She will mature a lot over the following ten years. A 26 year old woman should be prepared to handle the emotional ramifications of a sexual relationship and keep things in perspective. I've never met a 16 year old who could do this.

You're taking the quote out of context. I was talking age independent of experience--didn't you see how I set up the experiment? Both of the women had lived in sexless boxes for their pre-releasal lives. I'm saying, without the life experience, there's no oppurtunity for sexual maturity. A 16-year old would be equally (un)prepared and vulnerable as the 26-year old. It's the fact that the 26 year old has made mistakes and learned from them, or at least made assessments rooted in experiences, that gives her an emotional leg up.

[StartingAgain]

Yeah, UCFKevin, as much as we like sex, we know that we don't whant our children starting too young.

 

"Well, it's okay that you're having sex, but here's what you need to know." ? That's really quite messed up to me.

The truth is that they ARE going to have sex. They are going to do it no matter how much you discourage it. It is true though that parents who talk to kids about sex all along and don't make is some secret taboo, have kids who will think twice and don't go rushing into it so fast.

 

Just in case anyone thinks "just don't do it" works, I heard on NPR just yesterday how well the state of Texas' 10 year old abstinence-based sex education program is working. It's a complete failure. They have the highest teenaged prgnancy rate in the neation. 7 out out of 100 Texan girls aged 15 to 18 will become pregnant this year. They also have one of the highest teenaged AIDS infection rates in the all of North America. BTW, the states "solution" to the problem is to get more Federal money so that they can develop an even even extensive abstinence-based program, one that will begin in the fifth grade. That's right boys and girls, Texas wants all of us to help pay for a failed program.

 

Telling us not to have sex didn't work for our parents 30 years ago, it didn't work for their parents 30 year before that, and it won't work now. If you want to protect your children, you must give them the information they need to make their own decisons and so they will know how to protect themselves from pregnancy and disease.

 

How long does anyone think our adult admonistions about sex last when a 17 year old boy in the back of a car with the combination of a willing girl and an erection? Lightning is slower. So you'd better make sure he's packing some condoms. It's the only responsible thing to do.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Values based on the bible are outdated, because we don't live in the same society as those people did. Women can have jobs, people can raise children alone, and birth control is more reliable.

 

The majority of youth (14-21) is sexually active.

http://www.rustyparts.com/sexethics/premarital.php

 

Yes, of course we see anecdotal evicence of people "frowning upon" sex before marriage, but that's aftershocks of a sexual revolution that's already taken place. In the future, we're going to have people who make choices based on their appraisals of their emotional investment, not on impositions of religious institutions. It's a step forward from hanging bloody bedsheets out the window after the wedding night..

 

No offense to you Dyer, you do give some good insight and advice, but you are a kid yourself and I've got a bit more experience than you have. I'm no dummy. I know that sexually active children between the ages of 15 and 18 are the majority, but they are the minority in ages below 14.

 

I was THERE in the 1950's & 60's for the last 'sexual revolution' and I know of what I speak. Also, don't forget---I am an Agnostic not a Christian. I never imposed any religious beliefs on my children, how could I when I do not have any? I also did not shield them from learning about religions or from attending churches (of whatever faith they chose)

 

Something that you may not have considered though. A person's emotional/moral/value makeup INCLUDES any religious and social environments and teaching that they have been exposed to or learned about or embraced. It is PART of each one of us. You can separate them with sentences on a page, but not in a person. People have ALWAYS made choices based on their emotions and their logical assessment of the given situation. Understand that our emotions and our thought processess contain bits and pieces of everything around us. What you may become emotional about is not necessarily the same thing that I will. Or we may share the same emotion, but for different reasons. It's an individual thing based on our total environment. No religion dictates all of an emotion, and the Christian religion outlines the choices that the faith prefers, but again the choice is made based on an individuals interpretation of their faith and their own situation and background, etc.

 

Your little jibe about the bloody sheets is what I would expect from someone your age. I don't know what you thought that would contribute. Your view on outdated values is also incorrect. But for someone in your age group I expect you would believe that. I believed similar things and was very good as verbally justifying them when I was your age too. Some times I was right in my concept, but often I was wrong. And the link you provided is nothing more than an opinion from a specific Christian POV. It is not a credible source of factual data.

 

You are a smart young man, Dyer. Your writing style is excellent. You have normal, average experiences from which to draw for information, inspiration, and advice. I respect that.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I've moved around quite a bit in my life Hokey , different places, and I'm closer to that age then you are. I can tell you that girls that are involved in relationships with their boyfriends aren't snickered at if they engage in premarital sex. The majority of the US may be christian, but how many are actively practicing those values on a daily basis? Your beliefs are the minority. Anyways, I certainly hope her parents choose to educate her on what they feel is acceptable and the facts of life instead of punishing her, embarassing her, or screaming insults at her. Best of luck.

 

I'm familiar with the age and the atmosphere for teenagers today because of my children and their friends and my continued involvement with the parents of their friends. I'm not a prude and I don't have my head in the sand. I hear the comments. I hear the bragging too. That has NOT changed since the 1960's. Please don't think that anything the teenagers are experiencing now is much different from the last couple of generations. I really do get 'it'. I talked to my kids more than once about sex and morals and making the right decisions.

 

I'm not sure what you mean about my beliefs being in the minority. I never said that the majority of people were practicing all the commandments in the Christian bible. No human society ever has. Not in this century, or in the last century, or, well, since the beginning. All the Christians that I know have admitted that they violate at least one of the commandments on a regular basis. They tell me that the only person who ever obeyed the commandments wholly was Jesus!

 

I also hope that her parents will educate her (I hope they have been trying to all along and that is why I recommended to her to sit in her room and really THINK about what her parents have tried to teach her) and that they will not continue to scream at her. As a parent, I can imagine the shock that would lead to screaming, and I also know that her behavior warrants some punishment. Embarassment can be a good way of driving the message home, but I don't recommend they go out of their way to do that---I think the girl has done that to herself already.

[StartingAgain]

Sex isn't the problem. Rather it is our attitudes about sex that is the problem. In America, owing to our Puritan roots, we tend make everything pleasurable a forbidden fruit. Sex, alcohol, drugs, (at one time) dancing. Other cultures don't do this. In Europe, children learn that consuming alcohol is not big deal; they grow up with it. Alcoholism in most Western Eurpoean countries is much lower than in the US and binge drinking is almost unheard of. Margaret Mead observed that in certain gameinschaft societies, attitudes about the sexual behavior of youths was much more accepting than in Western societies. In Papua New Guinea, for example, she found that among some people, a boy's first sexual experience was with his mother's closest female friend, and that sexual activity beteen teenaged boys and girls was considered normal and healthy. The thinking was that a boy should learn the art of pleasuring a woman from a woman before engaging with girls his own age. In these societies, rape and murder are almost unheard of.

 

But we don't live in the Papua New Guinea of Mede's day. We live in someplace much more frought with dangers and we must protect our children. Still I think we can learn from other cultures, just as we can learn important lessons from our own traditions and history.

[moimeme]

Ack! What are you saying? That people who aren't white and North American might know stuff we don't? Horrors!

 

(yes, that was biting sarcasm in case folks are unfamiliar with me and my style)

 

For my MA, I did my paper on ethics in different cultures. We have a LOT to learn. Too bad we rich whiteys are too chauvinistic to allow others to teach us the valuable things we know. We're missing out on a lot.

[StartingAgain]

Moimeme, have you read Kiplings "The White Man's Burden"? BTW a Canadian friend of mine said this of the Differences between canada and the US. "We look the same and pretty much sound the same, but when you step over that border, it is like there is a glass wall barring the way. We don't really touch one another."

[Bubbles]

Want to know what "type" of punishment I would give to this young lady?

 

I would not allow the young man to be in the house "alone" with her. I would let him come over for a visit but.......I would make sure that they are in sight at all times and if not........if they wanted some alone time........I would make sure to interfere and "check-up" on them constantly.

 

Call me a rotton Mommy but.........it worked with me. I quickly learned to "respect" my parents wishes and also I found that showing them respect earned me far more respect with my family as I got older.

 

Bubbles

[HoldOn]

OK, then we can get back on the subject.

 

Abstinence works. Abstinence programs work.

 

http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=18088

 

"Young women who take a virginity pledge are at least 40 percent less likely to have a child out of wedlock and 12 times more likely to be virgins when they marry, compared to young women who do not make such a pledge, the study revealed.

 

The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health tracked young people from junior high to young adulthood, beginning in 1994, a year after LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention launched its True Love Waits emphasis. The study tracked the effects of virginity pledges on teens' actual sexual behavior."

[moimeme]

From a 2003 report:

 

In the seven years since their schools began teaching abstinence-only, young people here have been anything but abstinent. Teen pregnancy rates in the state remain above the national average, and Lubbock County consistently has one of the highest rates in the state. In addition, the number of Texas youths with sexually transmitted diseases has risen steadily.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn?pagename=article&node=&contentId=A19148-2003Jan20&notFound=true

[HoldOn]

Well, what can you do. I was sure there would be differing reports.

 

Regardless, I'm saying that Abstinence is a good thing and it should be taught to teenagers.

[lydiamarie]

i think that it should be taught as an option, but i think it is naive to say that it is the only thing that should be taught and can be successful standing alone in a 'sex education' curriculum.

[midori]

Originally posted by HoldOn

OK, then we can get back on the subject.

 

Abstinence works. Abstinence programs work.

 

http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=18088

 

"Young women who take a virginity pledge are at least 40 percent less likely to have a child out of wedlock and 12 times more likely to be virgins when they marry, compared to young women who do not make such a pledge, the study revealed.

 

The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health tracked young people from junior high to young adulthood, beginning in 1994, a year after LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention launched its True Love Waits emphasis. The study tracked the effects of virginity pledges on teens' actual sexual behavior."

 

I think it's only fair to give full disclosure about these statistics and their source. The quote and link is to the Baptist Press, which is part of an organization that strongly promotes abstinence as an exclusive means of birth control and disease prevention. The statistics cited in the article come from a study conducted by the Heritage Foundation, an organization devoted to promoting conservative social values.

 

This is not to necessarily discredit the information provided. Actually when I first read HoldOn's post, I wondered why British Petroleum ("bp" in my mind) was getting involved in abstinence studies, and so I clicked on the link to see what was going on. But I do think that it's better to be up front about the fact that the soure in question is not unbiased when it comes to promoting abstinence.

[HoldOn]

Yes, there is no such thing as an unbiased source. Planned Parenthood, for example, is in the business of providing abortions and is a very liberal organization and therefore can't be trusted either...

 

Who do you trust? Your own instincts, I guess.

 

 

i think that it should be taught as an option, but i think it is naive to say that it is the only thing that should be taught and can be successful standing alone in a 'sex education' curriculum.

 

As I said before, teenagers should be taught about abstinence AND contraception. But the most important lesson about contraception is that it FAILS. Of course you should use condoms if you're going to have sex, but they should know that it's still a very risky business.

 

But I disagree that it is naive to expect children to refrain from sex. It's entirely possible to teach your children to respect their bodies! The first line of defense is instruction about abstinence. The second line of defense is to teach about contraception, expecially that it's not fool proof. The third line of defense is to prevent them from having the opportunity, for example leaving them alone in your house. All of this worked on me! (and all of my siblings)

[lydiamarie]

and it worked for me and my sisters as well (my kid brother is a bit too young to know about yet...)

 

i don't mean that it is naive to expect our children to abstain, i think it is naive to think that all children will, and so i think it is our responsibility to ensure that they are fully informed about all the risks and options available to them.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by HoldOn

As I said before, teenagers should be taught about abstinence AND contraception.

Those are contradictory teachings. Think about how it would be presented to you as a youth. "Don't have sex, but if you do..."

 

Abstinence can't be taught in schools. I'm not saying by the time the curriculum catches up with kids, their minds are already made up. Sex education doesn't happen in the classroom, when they dim the lights and show outdated videos as kids nudge each other and snicker at things they've known for a couple of years.

 

If a kid wants to have sex, he or she will. Trust me, I know more about your children than you do. School programs, horror stories, and keeping them locked up in your house is not going to stop them. That's just the world we live in.