magz Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I like the three rules you talked about...it's really hard for me to accept these but it really seems true to me because I'm going through these similar feelings...omg, life can be hard at times...losing someone you trusted and cared, having to let him go from your life...and going through non-contact... but it comforts me that 'things get better' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Thanks. I posted a new thread today.. it explains a real life scenario and how i pull it apart to mitigate the emotional ride involved: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/350154-live-exercise-putting-3-rules-into-practice-controlling-your-emotional-reaction 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 As a systemizer type, what I find works for me is to deconstruct the individual. In doing so, you can see underlying patterns of behaviour, no matter what they've expressed in the past. These patterns of behaviour help you to understand what makes them tick and what works and didn't work for you. Most often, you'll realize that what didn't work, greatly outweighs what did, hence the reason for the break up and why it wouldn't have worked in the future. But one thing you have to be willing to do, is to be brutally honest with yourself about yourself. Otherwise seeing their patterns won't help you since you can't do a proper match to your patterns. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NeeN Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Just what the Dr ordered! Thank you thank you!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted October 11, 2012 Author Share Posted October 11, 2012 Although what you wrote does sound cynical Oracle, I believe 14 years + 2 after separation in the relationship gives credence to what you wrote. I wish you well though and be able to move on. You're still young and have a whole life ahead of you. Aww thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted October 11, 2012 Author Share Posted October 11, 2012 As a systemizer type, what I find works for me is to deconstruct the individual. In doing so, you can see underlying patterns of behaviour, no matter what they've expressed in the past. These patterns of behaviour help you to understand what makes them tick and what works and didn't work for you. Most often, you'll realize that what didn't work, greatly outweighs what did, hence the reason for the break up and why it wouldn't have worked in the future. But one thing you have to be willing to do, is to be brutally honest with yourself about yourself. Otherwise seeing their patterns won't help you since you can't do a proper match to your patterns. Agreed.... People tend to have trouble with the lingering attachment. It can temporary blind you and lead you astray. Living with my ex I have found I have to catch myself now and then when I get a bit nostalgic and perhaps over glorify a more positive interaction. Stepping back and looking at it what WHAT YOU KNOW as opposed to HOW IT FEELS THAT MOMENT, is a skill, that once developed can be very valuable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 that post was amazing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems. - Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on... I keep coming back to read this. I keep imagining him with this other woman he met 2 weeks ago, but in reality they could have broken up yesterday, i have no idea what it really is, or if it is real 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 One final rule which I came across years ago - The human brain is designed to fall in love, but it is not designed to stay in love. Link to post Share on other sites
Glove_slap Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 ALWAYS DO YOUR SCHOOL WORK IF YOU HAVE SCHOOL, NO MATTER WHAT. Caps was required. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zanzi Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Thankyou Oracle. So many of your statements are true. about the mind skewing our perceptions. I know my mind does this all the time. I am a sufferer of depression as are many others I know and I know that my last few relationships were greatly abeited in ending by my mind deciding things that werent true, and then after it was over my mind would see that person through rose coloured glasses until time and distance healed me and I was able to see clearly. I was crying up a storm until I read this and I instantly calmed down from the truth in it registering in a very tempestous and confused mind and turning off the self pity, why me's and what nows. I am calmer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 that post was amazing Why thank you! Thank you for reading through it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 Thankyou Oracle. So many of your statements are true. about the mind skewing our perceptions. I know my mind does this all the time. I am a sufferer of depression as are many others I know and I know that my last few relationships were greatly abeited in ending by my mind deciding things that werent true, and then after it was over my mind would see that person through rose coloured glasses until time and distance healed me and I was able to see clearly. I was crying up a storm until I read this and I instantly calmed down from the truth in it registering in a very tempestous and confused mind and turning off the self pity, why me's and what nows. I am calmer. Im glad you found some peace from it. I know I spend a lot of time in my head building dream castles and revisiting mansions of misery. We are our own worst enemy in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 One final rule which I came across years ago - The human brain is designed to fall in love, but it is not designed to stay in love. I understand where that is coming from, however Im not sure I entirely agree with it. The drug like bliss of being with someone new that just "works" for you on many levels is of course fleeting. What love is vs. what attachment is probably the bigger arguement. Nothing in life stays the same, that inclusive of how your love feelings are towards someone Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 Mishy, Zanzi... If you haven't already I recomment reading this post I did a few weeks back: [COLOR=#990000]Live Exercise- Putting the 3 rules into Practice. Controlling your emotional reaction[/COLOR] 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurt_burst Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 You said you lived with you ex everyday for 1 year ..hoping against hope. What was your take away from that one year?? P.S : You are a well spoken person who expresses in nice blunt words.... which is kind of drug..taking away the pain. I have few questions for you waiting ..i will fire them one by one ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 I have lived with my ex for 2.5 yrs. For over a year of that I was in hoping to reconcile mode. Until I realized a few things Ask away.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Oops.. didn't realize you already sorta asked a question. My take away is really what I have written about here. The 3 rules have developed as a result of my experience.. along with my thoughts on attachment, what it is, and it vs. love etc. Keep in mind im still going thru the process. I still waiting for the end time to come when our home sells and we finally do go our separate ways and I am alone for the first time since, well.. I guess since I was a kid living at home at 18. Ex plans to move across the country so there will be a forced distance. I know he wants involvement in my life somehow for the long haul. He has clearly stated so. He thinks we will always be involved in each others lives one way or another. I have gone through the spectrum of thoughts on that issue of the past 2+yrs. The jury is still out. Though given the nature of our relationship, and the way the lingering attachment is like a drug addiction I may very well go with that. We will see. A lot of people would say thats a mistake.. perhaps.. Life is one big grey area though. For the last two and a half years we have watched each other go out, and have sex with others for the first time, date.. and he has even witnessed me grow to love someone else. All while both caring for each other (probably loving) still and more. We have gone through cycles of playing house and closeness, to pulling away and doing our own things. Its like the tide how it ebbs and flows, but the whole time being pulled further and further out to sea. Further apart. We are also still sexual on ocassion.. I let go of expecations long ago. If he wanted to give it another go, I would not consider it. Its been a long gut wrenching journy, but its been my way of accepting and processing. I have learned a lot about people, interactions, reactions and emotions as a result. Anyway.. Ask whatever specific questions you had.. You said you lived with you ex everyday for 1 year ..hoping against hope. What was your take away from that one year?? P.S : You are a well spoken person who expresses in nice blunt words.... which is kind of drug..taking away the pain. I have few questions for you waiting ..i will fire them one by one ... Link to post Share on other sites
Quest4_TheLost Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 Truly enjoyed this post!! Seems to be just what I needed to read today. I myself have been contemplating this building dream castles in your head over the last few weeks. How we seem to do it with even strangers we never met. Crazy really how our mind sets us up for failure with obsession and fantasies. By sticking to goals and what you know instead of planning your future on some fantasy you've constructed in your head that you know deep down is bs. Yet we still will catch ourselves doing it anyway. Hope to catch myself quicker in the short run before falling for these thoughts leading into some black hole in the future. Thank you for the post! Link to post Share on other sites
dweemyss Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Thank you Oracle for your posts. I am in the early stages of withdrawing from a two and a half year relationship and what you have posted rings true in so many ways, as do many of the posts of others reacting to your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 Thank you for taking the time to read it, and thanks for your feedback. Dream castles are a hard habit to break.. my mind constantly goes there. It seems like I do my best living in my head... again something I need to learn to break. I would like to actually work on a graphic.. My friend and I (the one who developed the 3 rules and concepts with me) have come up with an idea that brings it all together nicely. Imagine a set of scales... On one end are Dream Castles.. on the other end are the Mansions of Misery. Ideally if everything is good you are in equillibrium and its all balanced out. The fulcrum or balancing point is a 3 point pyramid, and it represents the 3 rules. I think it fights nicely... everything is balanced on those three rules.. and your mind can swing one way or the other depending on the factors at play and the way you percieve them. Best of luck, Hang in there Truly enjoyed this post!! Seems to be just what I needed to read today. I myself have been contemplating this building dream castles in your head over the last few weeks. How we seem to do it with even strangers we never met. Crazy really how our mind sets us up for failure with obsession and fantasies. By sticking to goals and what you know instead of planning your future on some fantasy you've constructed in your head that you know deep down is bs. Yet we still will catch ourselves doing it anyway. Hope to catch myself quicker in the short run before falling for these thoughts leading into some black hole in the future. Thank you for the post! Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 Thanks for taking the time to write. I am sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel in the beginning, but you will get there.. I promise. Thank you Oracle for your posts. I am in the early stages of withdrawing from a two and a half year relationship and what you have posted rings true in so many ways, as do many of the posts of others reacting to your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
bindy Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 Thank you for sharing your true story with us. I’m also going through a same story like yours. Now I know what to do for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dyzfunctioned Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Well I can check off almost everything you said not to do. But it is what it is. Any advice is good advice at this point. Thanks for the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oracle Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 Don't worry.. we all end up there sometimes no matter how hard we try and even though we know better. I have had a trying two weeks... even though I KNOW I should put my faith in the three rules and just watch how things play out, it sometimes is hard not to get washed up in the emotions, even though you know better. My ex finally started dating someone this past month for the first time in 2.5yrs. He chose my birthday to be the night he doesn't come home for the first time and stayed at his new BF's place. It was emotionally loaded, but at the same time I wasn't as worked up as I would have expected to be. I knew a few of the issues around his new guy.. broke, my ex is spending money on him.. things moving at lightning speed etc. So I should have had faith in the 3 rules, but it is hard nonetheless and you wonder why they are having a better time than you are. Anyway.. its unravelled far quicker than I imagined for him. Lesson learned.. Relax, and trust the rules Well I can check off almost everything you said not to do. But it is what it is. Any advice is good advice at this point. Thanks for the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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