Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[oracle]

Some but not all.. Genetics and chemical make-up have more to play than some people are willing to admit.

 

The evidence is in and settled on the nurture vs. nature experiments that have gone on for decades with children who were adopted as infacts out of marginalized backgrounds and who grew up with affluent families that put effort into their education, level of attention etc.et et.cetc.

 

It only goes so far...then you cannot get beyond the genetics of it.

 

There are core traits in people largely resulting from learned behaviors and there are those which come in cycle usually triggered by circumstance. Knowing the difference between the two is our challenge when finding or shedding a SO.

 

All the best,

Am4Real

[oracle]

I need some understanding about this rule. "The hottest Guy/Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye." Define Hottest? I take it as the one walking away thinks they are the hottest.

 

Are you saying they are a more desirable in general.

 

Are you saying we have the perception that they are more desirable then the dumpee? Is this state of mind always true.

 

I'v seen guy's dump a real find, only to come crawling back when they realize their stock is not that high.

 

I do believe they think they are the hotter one, aka walking away.

 

I'm still dealing with the issue, that i think the ex walking away is right. That they are the hotter one. Which can't be true. But the fact that they are walking away proves the point in "we place them on a pedestal"

 

Maybe, this rule is thinking along the lines of the person with the higher self-esteem is the one walking away.

 

Its a generalization for EVERYTHING.. being rejected is a hit to our selfworth.... the person walking away we tend to idealize. Magnify the qualities that appeal to us.

 

They can also seem HOTTER... in the physical sense.. cause you can go hookup and hour later with someone that IS hotter than them, and its not gonna feel like it...

[oracle]

Im gonna have to agree with you on this one. My ex dumped me, got a new girlfriend, but continues to tell me he loves me. Its a total mind ****. It keeps me hanging on with an ounce of hope. I feel like its just like dangling a carrot in front of a horse. If you love me so much why arent you with me??? Oh, we are toxic together...Its cruel and makes the dumpee feel like complete ****!!

 

I am not sure if what you replied to was a response to me....

 

But in general.. Love is complex.. love hurts.. it cuts to the bone. Love is a dangerous gamble.. and love is something we will never truly understand.

 

You CAN be in love with someone that is just not right for you... the passions are all there but so are the dramas. Sometimes certain people hold us back from grander experience in life. Sometimes people choose to walk regardless of how they feel. Not any 2 people see love and the emotions involved in the exact same way. Some people don't love... some people 'need'

 

You job is just to see it for what it is... in regards to you.. Its a mind **** if you let it be one.

 

Take solace in the fact that even if he is with someone.. you are still a major part of his experience in his head.

 

Walk away knowing that even after everything, you left an indelible mark on his experience.

 

Know that nothing stays the same, and everything is always different.

 

We live in the grey area. The real skill is sorting out what matters from all the muck and moving forward.

[oracle]

I loved reading what Oracle had to say cos it resonated with me a lot, you put words to my feelings and clarified them (i.e. what i want to believe to feel all warm and fuzzy, and that some of the history supports, and the reality of what happened and where i am now in my 'relationship' mess).

 

I loved your points and agree with all of them although grudgingly and love your turn of phrase. You seem like an optimist who knows what reality is (you are one of the 'awake' ppl) but that there is a spectrum with a better end and worse end.

 

I tend to over think and over analyse and am so thankful for my job as a nurse which keeps me from thinking about everything except for the task at hand for 12 hours a day....better than any therapy and i love it!

 

I have a question (if you don't mind indulging as your no bs insight would be much appreciated) and i'll shoot straight from the hip so as to be as honest as possible....ok so..

 

i dated this guy for a few months. it was a mistake for us to agree to be exclusive as it was a LDR but we did. he cheated based on that understanding. which i totally get, but i obviously would have wished to be party to his true feelings on that subject. anyway, he has his bad points, and we are not compatible in all ways...but i cant help feeling like i really really know this guy in a way more than most people i have ever met, and he speaks to me on a deeper level (whether its actually just the old memories of being played getting scratched, or his resemblance to the character of my dad who is also my best friend....i dunno). But i felt/feel (i dunno cos i ended it abruptly when i found out he was looking for dates online...i didnt snoop btw but it would just make the story longer to explain how i know) like...we should have called time on it before, and i was going to suggest doing that and getting in touch in a few years, if we want, see where we are at and if we want the same things and each other.

 

That would have been fine back then, but now i know he lied, and seemed to want to continue dating on the side and lie about it.,..do you think that is something that can be waived, could change (he's 24 if that makes a difference), and that my idea of getting in touch in time to come is useless now or still a possibility. I feel like it isn't but i really like the way you think and so would appreciate your thoughts on this.

 

Also i just ended it as nicely as i could (totally unusual for me but i really want to respect and be in a respectful relationship even if its the end), he never addressed about his wanting to find other women to date (when i put that as one of the reasons why i was ending it), so dunno if he would even entertain a convo like the one im suggesting. Should i just leave it? and get in touch in years to come if i still have the desire to i mean he was the one who did wrong and didnt try to make any amends...Your clarity (and i would expect some harsh reality) would be much much appreciated as i have to and fro'd on this for 2 months now! Thank you

 

 

Thanks for your kind comments and post. let me sum up first... and you have seen this already..

 

"What starts in blood, ends in blood"

 

- LDR.

- Mutually agreed to be exclusive, yet cheated.

- Short Term.

 

The writing is on the wall.. its not a solid base to build from, and you don't have much invested.

 

Yes he came along, and yes he ticked a lot of the boxes for you so you you were drawn to him.. Sounds like you might have been into him more than he was into you.... just a guess.

 

I know exactly where you are coming from in regards to imagining what future scenario could be down the road in a few years.. I have lived that myself for years and I know my ex has cause we have both discussed it to a small extent.

 

Its a waste of time.. The future is going to be what its going to be.. you aren;t going to feel this way 1, 2, 4 5yrs down the road. The future is nothing more than fantasy and anxiety... its not real. Life rarely turns out how its imagined in your head right know while you are sitting at your PC.

 

And dont feel bad... We are so rarely 'party to anyones true feelings' .. even our own. Life can be one big incoherent joke, regardless of how much we try to understand the true feelings and motivations of another person let alone ourselves.

[little_miss]

Oracle, thank you for the insights you have provided. your words really resonated with me

 

After reading your rules, I realized I have been doing it all wrong, and basically went through all the pitfalls that you described (imagining my ex's new partner and their life together, putting him on pedestal, going over the lost plans and dreams that we as a couple will never realize etc..)

 

Just a little background story, I am 24 and dated my ex for 4 years, we started dating in freshmen year and because of that share the same friend group. We lived together for the past 3 years. I graduated before him and found a good job, unfortunately commuting was not an option, so last year, we had to move to a new city. We left a really nice house behind and most of our friends were living in the area.. He is still in school, and was doing a student exchange in another city, but he chose to stay and keep on living with me and just drive 2 hours to school every day. At this point things were finally looking up for us, we were still getting along, I had a good job, we had a nice place, newly renovated and furnished, and we had some bright future plans that finally seemed like they might actually come true.. Couple of months after moving, the problems started, we were fighting, he was constantly out partying and only seemed interested in doing stuff with his new friend group..he even called our old friends 'boring'. Nevertheless, I trusted him and never forbade him stuff, I was always very tolerant and liberal (it's my upbringing I guess)..

Then one night he came home and told me he had a 'strong emotional connection' with one of his classmates, a 21 year old girl, and they have been chatting all the time, but he never cheated on me and he is sorry and ended it, he promised he will no longer have contact with the girl, because he loves me and if we ever split he will be 'completely heartbroken'. I believed him, but was more cautious from then on, and I even tried checking his FB and his phone a couple of times (without him knowing, because I am really not the type of person who would normally do that), but nothing seemed to be going on.

Fast forward 2 months, and in the beginning of this year, he comes to me an tells me he wants to move to another city, first he said he wants to go together, but eventually it became clear he wants to go there and start over alone.. He sounded very confused, we had the same conversation like 10 times, and every time he will come up with new and different excuses. In the mean time, I found another woman's bra in the washing bin among his clothes, he tried to make excuses that he slept over after a party and their things might have gotten mixed up..But by then I knew, I confronted him, and after denying it at first, he finally admitted to sleeping with her a couple of days ago, but claimed it all happened cs he got very drunk, also it turned out they never cut contact, he just made an alternative Skype account and kept on chatting with her..total BS story..

 

What was so frustrating about the situation, is that he kept on telling me how sorry he is and how difficult this is for him, and how much he loves me, and that he is afraid he will never find someone as good as me, and someone he is so compatible with. He told me that this girl he slept with is not going to be his new gf and he thinks they are too different to ever work out, she is stupid, needy and very promiscuous (those are his words) BTW the girl (21-22) just got out of her first long-term relationship, she dated her high-school bf for 6 years. So yeah, this will work out great for both of them, I am pretty sure they both have the 'Grass is greener' syndrome, and are both cheaters that just got out of long-term relationships...

 

Right now, he is is actually dating the girl, but they don't live together..

During one of the last times I saw him, has acted pretty indifferent and he felt obliged to tell me how happy he is and how confident he is things will work out great for him (and for them as a couple). I bet he brags about it to our common friends as well

 

I have been doing NC for 2 months now, and it is really hard sometimes, I just don't get how can you just flip a switch and act like nothing happened and like 4 years meant nothing to you, I want to talk to him and ask him for an explanation..anything that makes sense. But I know it is futile, so now, I am sitting here heartbroken, with bruised ego and extremely confused. I just feel I have done nothing wrong and in no way deserved to be treated like that..

 

I tried analyzing the situation, but it's a total mind f*** . Sorry for the long post. I just feel that no one around me understands the situation I am in..

Any advice or input will be much appreciated.Thanks in advance

[siankat]

Thanks for replying oracle - and i think the reason i was hoping to hear false hope (which i knew u wouldn't indulge was to keep thinking of him as an option as he was the closest i thought id met to finding someone i found really special...let the big incoherent joke continue

Anyway, i wrote this below on another blog about a month ago and things have changed for the better since...i'm content with the way things are now

I would like to share though just in case it helps anyone else going through the initial horrible stages of a breakup..

 

 

There are a lot of people on here, including me, who are hurt and bewildered by what their other half/partner/boyfriend has been doing. I split up with mine 45 days ago and am still looking to understand why he..how could he..and lie...with whom..how often..under what circumstances...but all back to WHY in order to somehow find a resolution to the person i KNOW and the things they were doing that contradicted this person i KNOW and trusted and if i know the WHY, then i have something to work from to bring him back to acting like the person i believed him to be.

 

My motivation was overwhelming..I must trouble shoot, i must problem solve...til it's back to the way i was happy BELIEVING it to be...so i used to think.. There are a few hard facts i had to swallow, and am only now beginning to digest...he lied, repeatedly, and yet can be searingly candid about other difficult aspects of himself, he did not respect me in this situation, even though was otherwise very respectful and caring, he wanted other women than me sexually...even though the sex was varied, frequent, i gave him the best orgasm of his life, and people have all said i am way hotter than him. I'm saying this to try and impart that it is a total mind f*** to find out that the man you are with is NOT the man you would wish yourself to be with based on his actions.

 

From observing my past relationships i had in my early middle 20's that all had different problems be it infidelity, lies, selfishness, stingyness, abuse, whatever, seeing people in my family who are now 40, 70, 100 - my nono, yip...patterns have established and are here to stay. Sure people can mellow and don't have the energy they once did to carry out their desires as they once did.. they are, who they are, and at some numb point, i accepted it and know trying to change any of them would be futile, and the effort involved would render me non existant as a person in my own right as i would have no energy left to enjoy life and just being me.

 

So what's my point...well...the common theme i read in comments here, is that there seems to be a growing discrepancy between who they BELIEVED their partner to be, and what the EVIDENCE is now showing them. We cannot get hung up on the parts of a person we like, love, admire and respect and hope these newly discovered parts are so out of character that surely they cannot be part of that person really and are just a passing phase, some anomaly, even sign of mental breakdown of some kind! At this point, clutching at straws, i go back to seeing how much effort did he put into finding other women...he hasn't logged in for a week so maybe it was just a phase thing...he didn't chase them too hard etc ...hasn't replied to that girl's message yet.. Sorry but i am deluding myself here to appease my hurt and delay judgement. He's working on his own clock, mood, and not setting about trying to meet my threshold for what i would find wrong, grossly wrong, or an immediate dumpable offence! I just...had to accept him as a whole, no matter how hurt and surprised i was by the revelation of his deception.

 

Now the question i had to ask myself was do i accept him, or leave him. (please do not try and negotiate his behaviour or change him, people know what is right and wrong and do what they do cos they want to). I had to leave him and subsequently found out (was comforting and disturbing at the same time) that he did the same pretty much with ever girl he'd been with. One bit of advice that helped me was, people have their beliefs, and their needs. And people will always act on their needs over their beliefs if the two come into conflict. The solution? Either accept him the way he is and be grateful for that week he DIDN'T go trolling and checking out so and so, and the times he was being present in the moments of real intimacy that only you two share...attending to your needs etc....and then, you will also have to accept him when he decides he wants to go and find other women for an ego stroke, sexual variety (variety in the fact she is NOT you, the woman he has already slept with loads), or cos doing bad makes him feel good. Cycle then repeats back to the good again. The thing to know is, you will never be the master of when these moments will happen, the good or the bad. We cannot control people.

 

You will be on constant edge and that will eventually fry your nerves and when it gets soo bad u will leave... Advice i am giving myself after chastising myself for wasting time on him..ever..after not eating, not sleeping, stalking him online, crying, stalking online, crying, staying in bed all day, living off caffeine nicotene, crying again...feeling more lonely around other people, finding my misery and pain more comforting...repeat the above x10.. Is that i feel i can now go back to being an observer of the horribleness of human action and not a sufferer....i can empathise and think 'thank god im not in that place anymore' glad that he does not hold the key to my being happy or sad anymore with his actions, and that i want to meet someone, who does NOT have the NEED/IMPULSE to do this kind of thing. And i still haven't resolved who i thought he was with these newly discovered actions, and i don't know if i will, or how i will feel about him in time to come....i will only know when the time comes...and til then, i am staying strong simply by staying away from him.

[tavi]

F you man. you made me cry.

[CompleteFailure]

Thought I would share my thoughts with you all.. I have been there and still am in many ways.

 

 

...we were buddies and lovers and we did absolutely everything together. It was always a battle though, never easy and we always fought lots but always stayed together. Anyway I always thought it would go the distance.. we would grow old together...but not in a clean break kinda way. More like a messy twilightzone want to shoot yourself in the face everyday kinda way.

 

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems.

 

- Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on...

 

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

- 'Huh?' you say - Ya, ok let me put it this way. The hottest Guy / Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye. Rule 2 is my favourite, cause its so true. We want what we can't have, and when we have it we tend to not want it is much anymore or take it for granted. That extra hard longing you feel is cause they just kicked ur ass to the curb. You have the blinders on and you are kneeling before that idealized version of them you have placed high up on that pedestal in your mind.

 

Rule 3 - Expectations are the source of disappointment.

 

- I know it sounds cynical, but all roads lead here. Im sure you are doing mental gymnastics right now, imagining how he or she is the one and its meant to be and things are gonna be different and you will change etc. etc. etc. Keep doing it.. keep building up the dream cause ur just gonna crash harder when you fall from those lofty heights. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.... there is a process you go thru.. and it sucks ass, but sadly there is no short cut.

 

What you are feeling now really comes down to attachment. Its a natual human experience that is necessary for the survival of our species. Its part of us all and its a force to be reckoned with.. Letting go is hard, what can I say. But thats life. Nothing lasts forever - not you nor I.

 

Things do get better. You won't wake up one day having turned a corner and everything is smooth sailing from there on in. I still have my dark days now and then but it improves.

 

You are stronger than you think, and with enough time you can get used to anything. Seriously..... Breathe, cause sh *t gets better... apparently.

 

Sorry to read hear about your ltr ending. 13 years is a crazy long time, I can only imagine.

 

I just recently got dumped from a 7 year literally day in day out for 365 days a year relationship and its devastating. My relationship shares some similarities to yours and these rules you've come up with sort of ease the pain and if not for anything, give a good laugh.

 

With the first rule and in combination with the point about people never really changing... Although I wish her to be truly happy, I secretly want my ex's new relationship to fail. So its somewhat encouraging and comforting that, that relationship may go just as sour as quickly.

 

The second rule rings home as I've always been the one to be more physically active and in better shape. I also get more looks when we go out from more "attractive" people. Though, since my ex told me she wanted a break, I can't stop looking at her as if she's the sexiest thing in the world. I know that she's not but she's definitely started acting it. Dressing sexier, more make up, generally just taking more care of her appearance. It's probably also a mix of my own feelings towards her, the loss of her, and the fact that shes out f'ing someone else, so I'm seeing this feminine side of her that I haven't seen in awhile.

 

Everything about rule 3 makes complete sense, and yet I still can't stop myself from creating these expectations secretly hoping, wishing that it will all go my way. I've crashed time after time in the last month, hurt after hurt all to be humiliated and still keep crawling back for more.

 

Your posts in this thread have been brutally honest yet inspiring. Nice to hear that you've managed to regain some kind of control within your own life and are managing to move forward and in good stride. Yes its tough at times, but hopefully I'll one day be at a point where my mental fortitude will reach that peak as well. If you have insight into my current breakup your input/advice would be welcomed and appreciated.

[GudDude2013]

Very wise and insightful posts!

[TearyEyedPride]

Interesting. I can see your perspective on your rules and I guess the cynical part of me agrees wholeheartedly with a "f*ck the world kind of attitude", but something inside me tells me that life and love boil down to more than that. For me, it's about appreciating and respecting the differences in people altogether and knowing that one person's reality isn't everyone else's. Life is a tailor made experience.

[oracle]

F you man. you made me cry.

 

Hahahahah.. what part set you off?

[oracle]

Interesting. I can see your perspective on your rules and I guess the cynical part of me agrees wholeheartedly with a "f*ck the world kind of attitude", but something inside me tells me that life and love boil down to more than that. For me, it's about appreciating and respecting the differences in people altogether and knowing that one person's reality isn't everyone else's. Life is a tailor made experience.

 

I don't think "**** the world attitude" sums up my points does it?

 

The experience of life is what you make of it and take away from it. Its not Tailor made for you.

 

You are right... everyone is different, and there is no person out there that is the 'one' or totally compatable.

[oracle]

Sorry to read hear about your ltr ending. 13 years is a crazy long time, I can only imagine.

 

 

I just recently got dumped from a 7 year literally day in day out for 365 days a year relationship and its devastating. My relationship shares some similarities to yours and these rules you've come up with sort of ease the pain and if not for anything, give a good laugh.

 

With the first rule and in combination with the point about people never really changing... Although I wish her to be truly happy, I secretly want my ex's new relationship to fail. So its somewhat encouraging and comforting that, that relationship may go just as sour as quickly.

 

The second rule rings home as I've always been the one to be more physically active and in better shape. I also get more looks when we go out from more "attractive" people. Though, since my ex told me she wanted a break, I can't stop looking at her as if she's the sexiest thing in the world. I know that she's not but she's definitely started acting it. Dressing sexier, more make up, generally just taking more care of her appearance. It's probably also a mix of my own feelings towards her, the loss of her, and the fact that shes out f'ing someone else, so I'm seeing this feminine side of her that I haven't seen in awhile.

 

Everything about rule 3 makes complete sense, and yet I still can't stop myself from creating these expectations secretly hoping, wishing that it will all go my way. I've crashed time after time in the last month, hurt after hurt all to be humiliated and still keep crawling back for more.

 

Your posts in this thread have been brutally honest yet inspiring. Nice to hear that you've managed to regain some kind of control within your own life and are managing to move forward and in good stride. Yes its tough at times, but hopefully I'll one day be at a point where my mental fortitude will reach that peak as well. If you have insight into my current breakup your input/advice would be welcomed and appreciated.

 

 

 

Another kindred spirit! We are all brothers and sisters here on many levels.

 

Lets kill your fantasies first and formost.

 

I still live with my ex.... sometimes im even allowed sex, and recently its gotten to a level of intimacy that has been off limits for over a year.... but big deal. I don't read into anything anymore..Yes it feels like someonething i can never feel elsewhere.. but its not a situation I would want to turn back into a relationship. I see everything for what it is now.. and I see all the limitations and go nowhere possibilities it encompasses. I can screw around with my ex... wipe myself off, brush my teeth and go out to dinner with some nice 20yo.. yes there is a pang of guilt.. but I do what I want now and put myself first, he is no longer the sun that I orbit. My ex did the same thing... changed his look, style.. etc. It adds an entirely different dimension to rule 2, so I understand what you are feeling on those levels.

 

RE. fantasizing about your ex's new relationship imploding:

 

If there actually is a god, then he smiled on me and I got to witness this. The guy he was dating actually tracked me down online and sent me a short message to bitch about my ex to me. LOL. There was a small solace in this.. in the fact that I know after this and many other scenarios thats its not a ME issue, but HIS issues with anger and mood swings that will taint all his relationships. And in the end, this doesn't make you feel better.. If you actually care about that person, you kinda pitty them in a way.

 

Rule three is a nasty bitch.. But its human nature. I have actually given up trying to date. 1) I realized nobody worth dating would even consider investing in someone in my scenario. 2) I have never actually lived alone, and I think thats important for me to experience first. 3) I don't want my happiness in life to hinge on being with someone. I have been lucky. Not many people my age have had a relationship like this. Im trying to be ok with the fact that it might not happen again for me.

 

And thats what it all comes down to... and thats the overall theme of what I write about...

 

Its about letting go...

of a lot of things, especially certain expectations.

 

Like the oracle said.... Everything that has a beginning, has an end. In life we will be required to rise from the ashes over and over again.

[oracle]

Oracle, thank you for the insights you have provided. your words really resonated with me

 

After reading your rules, I realized I have been doing it all wrong, and basically went through all the pitfalls that you described (imagining my ex's new partner and their life together, putting him on pedestal, going over the lost plans and dreams that we as a couple will never realize etc..)

 

Just a little background story, I am 24 and dated my ex for 4 years, we started dating in freshmen year and because of that share the same friend group. We lived together for the past 3 years. I graduated before him and found a good job, unfortunately commuting was not an option, so last year, we had to move to a new city. We left a really nice house behind and most of our friends were living in the area.. He is still in school, and was doing a student exchange in another city, but he chose to stay and keep on living with me and just drive 2 hours to school every day. At this point things were finally looking up for us, we were still getting along, I had a good job, we had a nice place, newly renovated and furnished, and we had some bright future plans that finally seemed like they might actually come true.. Couple of months after moving, the problems started, we were fighting, he was constantly out partying and only seemed interested in doing stuff with his new friend group..he even called our old friends 'boring'. Nevertheless, I trusted him and never forbade him stuff, I was always very tolerant and liberal (it's my upbringing I guess)..

Then one night he came home and told me he had a 'strong emotional connection' with one of his classmates, a 21 year old girl, and they have been chatting all the time, but he never cheated on me and he is sorry and ended it, he promised he will no longer have contact with the girl, because he loves me and if we ever split he will be 'completely heartbroken'. I believed him, but was more cautious from then on, and I even tried checking his FB and his phone a couple of times (without him knowing, because I am really not the type of person who would normally do that), but nothing seemed to be going on.

Fast forward 2 months, and in the beginning of this year, he comes to me an tells me he wants to move to another city, first he said he wants to go together, but eventually it became clear he wants to go there and start over alone.. He sounded very confused, we had the same conversation like 10 times, and every time he will come up with new and different excuses. In the mean time, I found another woman's bra in the washing bin among his clothes, he tried to make excuses that he slept over after a party and their things might have gotten mixed up..But by then I knew, I confronted him, and after denying it at first, he finally admitted to sleeping with her a couple of days ago, but claimed it all happened cs he got very drunk, also it turned out they never cut contact, he just made an alternative Skype account and kept on chatting with her..total BS story..

 

What was so frustrating about the situation, is that he kept on telling me how sorry he is and how difficult this is for him, and how much he loves me, and that he is afraid he will never find someone as good as me, and someone he is so compatible with. He told me that this girl he slept with is not going to be his new gf and he thinks they are too different to ever work out, she is stupid, needy and very promiscuous (those are his words) BTW the girl (21-22) just got out of her first long-term relationship, she dated her high-school bf for 6 years. So yeah, this will work out great for both of them, I am pretty sure they both have the 'Grass is greener' syndrome, and are both cheaters that just got out of long-term relationships...

 

Right now, he is is actually dating the girl, but they don't live together..

During one of the last times I saw him, has acted pretty indifferent and he felt obliged to tell me how happy he is and how confident he is things will work out great for him (and for them as a couple). I bet he brags about it to our common friends as well

 

I have been doing NC for 2 months now, and it is really hard sometimes, I just don't get how can you just flip a switch and act like nothing happened and like 4 years meant nothing to you, I want to talk to him and ask him for an explanation..anything that makes sense. But I know it is futile, so now, I am sitting here heartbroken, with bruised ego and extremely confused. I just feel I have done nothing wrong and in no way deserved to be treated like that..

 

I tried analyzing the situation, but it's a total mind f*** . Sorry for the long post. I just feel that no one around me understands the situation I am in..

Any advice or input will be much appreciated.Thanks in advance

 

Don't get caught up trying to answer the WHY question.. that is a useless waste of time. Your mind will just run wild filling in the blanks with all sorts of BS.

 

See if for what it is.... Hes a young gamey mess. Its goes with the territory. Take it from me.. I have dated a few young guys in the past few years. I learned that regardless of how mature they might be, they still don't have enough life experience under their belt.

 

Forget what he says...thats just guilt. Deeds not words. See what he is doing vs. what he is saying. Talk is very cheap.

 

Its always easier for the person who ended it and has someone new.

 

Nothing is as it seems

 

Hang in there

[flight E]

this is brilliant, everyone should read it

[Infnitysign]

My gf broke up with me on march 28th. For 2 days i begged and said things I would never say, but i kicked out my pride.

 

We have been dating for 3 years and she just started her new job in the begining of march and a week before my bday she asked me if i would let her go and have lunch with her co-worker on my birthday. I said yes i didnt think much of it and she called it off with him because she remembered the day of my bday that it was actualy my bday.

 

She took me out for dinner and a movie and at the same time her bestfriend tagged along.

 

The day she broke up with me I've been seeing signs and feeling very loneley because she was never around maybe only one day out of the week. We were in the car and I asked if we could spend sometimes on the weekend and she replied "i cant on friday because I have to run errands with my mom and on saturday I have to go bowling with my co-workers and sunday i have to sleep early" I told her that the past 3 weeks have been ridiculous and I missed her so much. she just said "I cant handle you anymore and we will never work because our parents would never allow it and things are always the same and you never have anything to say to me anymore."

 

I just said sorry and I got out of the car and walked home I didnt look back or say anything else.

 

On the 29th,30th.31st of march i called and text telling how heaertbroken I am and I asked her how could she do such a thing when I gave up all my needs and wants for her. She just said "dude stop this is awkward" and i brought up all things we went through when I was homeless to being kicked out of two families. (was her fault that i got kicked out and homeless because I was trying to save her some face). For three weeks I was out in the winter cold starving and dying, then i decided to just say screw my pride I'd rather be alive than dead and I went back to my parents and begged to come back.

 

Back to the present. On april 1st i sent her a text that said "I accepted the break and I hope you do well" she just said "ok, thanks for respecting my decision" for a week now i havent contacted her and its so hard because i cant sleep i cant eat i cant stop thinking about her.

 

I am not giving up on her, we had so much plan with our future. I just want to know how could she do this and does it hurt her as much as I hurt.

[oracle]

this is brilliant, everyone should read it

 

Thank you....

[oracle]

I am not giving up on her, we had so much plan with our future. I just want to know how could she do this and does it hurt her as much as I hurt.

 

 

Im gonna be Blunt.. fasten your seat belt...

 

1) Give up on her. Thats the first thing you need to get through your head. She doesn't care about you anymore.

 

2) She can do it cause she isn't into you. Reading your post it is obvious she has been doing everything she can to avoid you and it seems she has probably hung around out of guilt for sometime.

 

3) No it doesn't hurt her as much as it is hurting you... she probably feels free..

 

Your scenario sounds very messy... your life.. sounds very messy.

 

You need to focus on you.. being STRONG on YOUR OWN. You are lucky your family has taken you back.

 

Do not cling to anyone as a life raft, and I would stay away from dating for a long time until you get all your personal life issues sorted and you are in a place where you love yourself and can love others again.

 

Hang in there

[siankat]

I don't think "**** the world attitude" sums up my points does it?

 

The experience of life is what you make of it and take away from it. Its not Tailor made for you.

 

You are right... everyone is different, and there is no person out there that is the 'one' or totally compatable.

 

 

Whilst i agree with all of that, once you try to make it work with someone who you think is one of the ones, it's hard to start again. Even the thought is daunting. On the upside, im ok with dating again and having a few flings

[oracle]

Whilst i agree with all of that, once you try to make it work with someone who you think is one of the ones, it's hard to start again. Even the thought is daunting. On the upside, im ok with dating again and having a few flings

 

Yea I hear ya.

 

The jury is out on whether I would invest on that level again with someone.

[siankat]

Ya but I settled a little TOO much.. show me many people that do 14yrs from age 19...let alone gay males. The 2nd time around people are less willing to compromise (atleast I am)

 

I don't want my happines to hinge on "being with someone" thats a terrible place to operate from, and sadly one that many people choose to or end up at.

 

 

Rereading your posts Oracle and they are like a burst of clarity all over again Your words really do have the effect of parting the grey fog that blankets the brain in these scenarios. I have kind of moved away from feeling a lot about the breakup to being able to mostly intellectualise about it and try and learn from my mistakes..not easy when as you say, people can change actions etc but never stray far from the (idealistic, drama/thrill seeking, exclusivity desiring) person they are

 

About the quote above, i know from people that have been in relationships for 7 - 40 years and what you said, they confirm, the problems that are there from the beginning are still issues years down the line even if love is still there

 

And my friend who has been with her husband, love of her life, for 10 years says they still fight about the same things, are always 5 minutes away from divorce and that she would not now have compromised as much to be with him as she did back then as what we can gather up strength and motivation for at 33 is very different than at 23.

 

Some lessons i need to learn the hard way. Some i really really hope to learn from other people, and some mistakes i will never make. Is there any resolution between not being able to change, and bettering yourself? (note i said one's self and not one's circumstances)

 

I know i have handled it better, in front of his face, and not made similar errors as in the past. Behind closed doors. I am still the same, acting the same, self destructing from time to time similarly. All actions within my control and yet, i still do them... i guess until i see the benefit of not doing them. At some point though, my medicine will also be my poison.

[oracle]

Is there any resolution between not being able to change, and bettering yourself? (note i said one's self and not one's circumstances)

 

It all comes down to choice.

 

The first step is recognizing.

 

The 2nd and hard one is choosing to alter behaviour.

 

UNless you alter the behaviours that lead to negative outcomes, the negative outcomes will always be where you end up at.

 

Life is about choices... Happiness is a choice.

[BlackGoaty]

"Point C - People don't change"

 

How would you deem a person who have always cheated in his/her previous relationships, would they change or it is in them to seek instant gratification or the grass is always greener syndrome?

[oracle]

"Point C - People don't change"

 

How would you deem a person who have always cheated in his/her previous relationships, would they change or it is in them to seek instant gratification or the grass is always greener syndrome?

 

 

I can't answer that. They are a cheater and always will be.. That tendancy is like a drug. I don't think its the grass as greener per say. People roll sex and love into one that is a mistake.

 

Its that person that needs to control that urge... Like the alcoholic that needs to refrain from drinking.. or the smoker trying to quit.

 

The problem with sex.. you don't really get over that allure... not until you are old Then its more of an issue of nobody wanting to have sex with you anymore, and your body not co-operating.

[travelonic]

neermind, blam this post.

Edited April 29, 2013 by travelonic