Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[siankat]

Hey Oracle

 

How are you getting on?

 

I left my ex alone and haven't heard from him and all is good. But now i'm addicted to ls?!?!

[oracle]

Glad to hear u are on your upward trajectory. I'm busy. But check in here now and then. Not much has changed here. I'm dug in for the long slog to the end. I stopped dating long ago so nothing to report on that front either

[rainmayker]

I really like this post

[ihateher83]

Confusedx10 - lots of people can make you happy.

 

Distance doesn't change anything. It makes you miss the person, yes. Thats the rule 2 at play. However coming together again will bring the same end results.

 

You need to re-read my two commentaries because there are some key things you are missing.

 

Trust me... Unlike most people I have LIVED WITH my ex for 2 years following separation. Including working together and selling off a multimillion dollar company.

 

I have moved the goal posts a million times on the "well once event 'X" happens things will change" Everything imaginable.. him taking off for a month to drive across the country and having sex with other guys for the first time in his life.. me dating other people etc. etc.

 

Eventually what you realize is that the core issues and personality conflicts are always going to be there.

 

Like I said... it was always difficult but It just became the landscape, the constant conflict and hot and cold - you don't know any different anymore. Till you step out and experience new things.

 

And listen up everyone - The relationship thats starts in blood, typically ends in blood.

 

Ie. If there is conflict and problems right away... RUN cause that never changes.

 

OR the scenario where you are the other "person" and seeing someone that is married...ya if he cheats on them.. he will cheat on you. For godsake stay away from married people.

 

I always tell my young gay friends that get into relationships... if you want this to work STAY THE F*CK AWAY from the gay community. RULE 2 again.. people always want whats not readily available to them.

 

i read everything you said ... with that being said ... do you not believe in hope ? ... believe i learned in life you can't change others nor will others truly change ... only habits and beliefs ... etc...

but can't you think of shred of hope that you two may run into each other and some some of light will shine ?

 

also what about if the relationship started out good ... will it come to come back like that ?

and how do you feel about rebounds ?

[SingOutLoud]

(Sigh)... I wonder if this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/388586-coping-7-months#post4827135

is how he feels right now.

 

(Don't mind me, I just needed to let this out.)

[oracle]

i read everything you said ... with that being said ... do you not believe in hope ? ... believe i learned in life you can't change others nor will others truly change ... only habits and beliefs ... etc...

but can't you think of shred of hope that you two may run into each other and some some of light will shine ?

 

also what about if the relationship started out good ... will it come to come back like that ?

and how do you feel about rebounds ?

 

 

No. I don't believe in hope. A lot of people need it it seems. I find it just postpones disappointment

 

I still live with him. Three years almost. I don't want to be with him in anyway shape or form. I understand the drug like nature of it. I understand every possible aspect good and bad. When the house sells and we go our ways that will be it. He will have to cease to exist for me, otherwise the back and forth of that addiction will continue.

 

Mine was always a challenge. Since 30 days in. But I was drawn and I fought to keep it going

 

Rebounds are rebounds. They are distractions. Filling of voids for the wrong reason. But they are part of the process

[oracle]

(Sigh)... I wonder if this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/388586-coping-7-months#post4827135

is how he feels right now.

 

(Don't mind me, I just needed to let this out.)

 

Who knows. But that's all crap anyway. Wishful fantasy for average dumpee. Nothing happens for a reason. You don't have something better coming. You are responsible for your life and what you get out of it. Period

Edited May 22, 2013 by oracle

[BC1980]

I agree with you Oracle. None of this pain has a deeper purpose unless we want to make one out of it. We can take something from it and become a better person, or we can indulge our sadness and throw a pity party for ourselves. I am choosing to become a better person from my break-up. It's hard as hell, but it does give me great empowerment.

[oracle]

I agree with you Oracle. None of this pain has a deeper purpose unless we want to make one out of it. We can take something from it and become a better person, or we can indulge our sadness and throw a pity party for ourselves. I am choosing to become a better person from my break-up. It's hard as hell, but it does give me great empowerment.

 

It's a curious need we have eh? To have a reason or purpose for something bad to have happened to us. I guess it's a coping mechanism and let's people sleep better thinking and hoping that something has their back. Lol watch the news. It all comes down to random luck in this life.

[L1ght]

For people who want realistic tips on how to move on and get back to living your life I'll tell you what you need to do. Firstly you have to be honest with yourself and accept the fact that your ex has made up their mind however unbelievable it may feel that they gave up on you...accept it and tell yourself that they don't care about you any more and even if they do still care they are too chicken to try and make things work with you. Next step is to know the qualities you have as a human being and the qualities you bring to a relationship. Tell yourself that you are not worthless and that you intend to get back to being the best possible you that you can be...be selfish...think about whats best for you. And finally you have to let go of the guilt that gets in the way of you banishing your ex from your mind....there comes a time when you have to be ruthless to protect your own well being and self esteem so the best way to do that is to make a serious effort to forget them completely and devalue any worthy qualities you once thought they had....get rid of it all. drop it all and make yourself believe that they are worthless. Once you do that and start focusing on your own life again it becomes easy to open your heart to new people while also realising that you have learnt something from your last relationship....time to move on people...its over.

[oracle]

....there comes a time when you have to be ruthless to protect your own well being and self esteem ...

 

Well put.. I like that.

[BC1980]

I totally agree. Be ruthless. Your ex was ruthless to end it to protect themselves right? The quicker you accept and emotionally detach, the quicker you can move on. The longer you hold out hope, clinging to what you thought you had, analyzing the relationship, the more mired you become in the quicksand.

 

It got to the point where I had to just force myself not to think about him anytime he would enter my mind, which was basically all the time at first. I quickly learned that the less time spent thinking about the situation, the better for ME.

 

At least I don't have to live in our house anymore with all the reminders. I got rid of everything and moved out immediately. Even though he was the dumper, he probably has it worse in some ways.

[L1ght]

I totally agree. Be ruthless. Your ex was ruthless to end it to protect themselves right? The quicker you accept and emotionally detach, the quicker you can move on. The longer you hold out hope, clinging to what you thought you had, analyzing the relationship, the more mired you become in the quicksand.

 

It got to the point where I had to just force myself not to think about him anytime he would enter my mind, which was basically all the time at first. I quickly learned that the less time spent thinking about the situation, the better for ME.

 

At least I don't have to live in our house anymore with all the reminders. I got rid of everything and moved out immediately. Even though he was the dumper, he probably has it worse in some ways.

Yeah...The biggest thing that always gets in the way of people moving on is that they find it so difficult to reach the point where they are willing to dedicate themselves to making the decision to stop caring for their ex. Once that decision is made with commitment the healing process increases at an exponential rate. Guilt stops us from hating our ex's....the voice inside us keeps telling us to believe its not over and that you can still see the good in your ex. F*ck that noise. Ignore the voice to the point where your ex is nobody and truly focus on your own personal growth while being open to new friendships and relationships with other people.

[Crushedjustcrushed]

I haven't read the wholet thread, but, it seems almost like you have to go into a relationship, and while you are in it, with a large amount of indifference. By that, I mean, you should always have a "default" attitude of "I don't really care if this works out it not."

 

They doesn't mean you don't try and make it work, or you intentionally sabotage it by just being an *******, but a certain amount of "idgaf" seems to be necessary. Otherwise, you get snagged on rule three, expectations are the source of disappointment.

[L1ght]

I haven't read the wholet thread, but, it seems almost like you have to go into a relationship, and while you are in it, with a large amount of indifference. By that, I mean, you should always have a "default" attitude of "I don't really care if this works out it not."

 

They doesn't mean you don't try and make it work, or you intentionally sabotage it by just being an *******, but a certain amount of "idgaf" seems to be necessary. Otherwise, you get snagged on rule three, expectations are the source of disappointment.

I know what you're saying but that's not a realistic situation at all because if we don't give ourselves to someone 100% at least after the "feeling out" phases of a relationship has passed our partners will always sense we are holding back and it will cause inevitable friction. I've tried it and it doesn't work at all cos when I do behave in that way where I'm only interested in my own needs the women I'm with really do end up thinking I'm a complete assh*le. Besides the best relationships come from being able to leave yourself vulnerable to someone and put your trust in them....its amazing when it works and is 1000% worth the risk when you find the right person at the right time in your life.....obviously when it fails it can be devasting emotionally but I suggest next time you open your heart to someone you better make sure they feel the same way and if they don't then move on and find someone you can trust. I'm at the point where I know I don't need my ex to be happy and I do resent the way things ended but I have to admit that it was an amazing feeling for about a year knowing I could trust her with anything. That alone is worth the risk.

[BC1980]

Always remember that you are a person with an identity outside of this relationship. This other person does not complete you, is not the key to your happiness. That always comes from within. Even if you are married to one person forever, someone will die first. So are you going to stop living the rest of your life if you become a widow(er)? You MUST be able to function as an individual outside of any relationship. I think women have more difficulty with this than men because we are socialized to see marriage and a family as an indicator for success. You are an "old maid" if you don't get married. People feel sorry for you. I do know women who have settled due to fear of never getting married. It's sad, just a sad commentary on a person's value of themselves.

Edited June 8, 2013 by BC1980

[oracle]

I haven't read the wholet thread, but, it seems almost like you have to go into a relationship, and while you are in it, with a large amount of indifference. By that, I mean, you should always have a "default" attitude of "I don't really care if this works out it not."

 

They doesn't mean you don't try and make it work, or you intentionally sabotage it by just being an *******, but a certain amount of "idgaf" seems to be necessary. Otherwise, you get snagged on rule three, expectations are the source of disappointment.

 

I don't know if IDGAF is the right antidote to rule 3

 

Rule 3 really points to the fact that life isn't going to turn out as you plan. People get stuck in the dream castle they build in their head and have a hard time functioning after it crumbles.

 

Rule 3 speaks more to being able to adapt and cope and realizing that you CAN adapt and cope, and that you need to manage expectations to an extent and be realistic with your optimism.

 

In relationships, we are victims of our own optimism.

 

We see the best in people (the version of them that we want them to become for us) This so rarely ever happens in life.

[Crushedjustcrushed]

I don't know if IDGAF is the right antidote to rule 3

 

Rule 3 really points to the fact that life isn't going to turn out as you plan. People get stuck in the dream castle they build in their head and have a hard time functioning after it crumbles.

 

Rule 3 speaks more to being able to adapt and cope and realizing that you CAN adapt and cope, and that you need to manage expectations to an extent and be realistic with your optimism.

 

In relationships, we are victims of our own optimism.

 

We see the best in people (the version of them that we want them to become for us) This so rarely ever happens in life.

 

I'm not saying be indifferent or don't care about the relationship.

 

I understand the whole give 100% of yourself to someone. But, if you always have in the back of your mind just a tiny bit of "if this doesn't work out, oh well," I think it kind of gives a bit of comfort when it does fall apart.

 

Don't build that dream castle in your head. Because it's not likely going to happen.

 

And it doesn't happen way more often than it does.

[ImThatGirl]

Hi there,

 

I just read your post and honestly, I appreciated what you had to say and the "to the point" delivery. Throughout my life I have had boyfriends and I have had breakups. Some more difficult than others. Last year I started seeing someone that had been a friend to me for approximately a year prior to that. I've never believed in soul mates. In fact, when I started seeing him I told him that, and that my intent in this relationship was for it to merely be physical. However, that desire was doomed from the get go. We both play music and shared that passion on stage. Long story short, I fell in love hard. These feelings were reciprocated. I am pretty astute... I can usually spot bull**** from a mile away, so when I say it was reciprocated, it was. This person started wanting things out of our relationship that I EVENTUALLY wanted, but not in the moment wanted (I.E moving in together, kids, marriage) I wanted to please him so I would talk about it like I was considering it, but I never made a move to do any of those things in the here-and now. I felt that I made it very clear how much I loved him and that by me not wanting to do those things immediately was in no way a reflection of our love. A few months ago the opportunity to move (out of state, about 2000 miles away) came up. I talked with him. He wanted to move with me. I thought this was our first "step". Man, I was wrong. When I actually made the arrangements to move, he backed out, simply stating he had a good job where he was at and that he didn't want to leave his family. I was CRUSHED. To add insult to injury, immediately following that conversation we went from seeing each other daily to basically not seeing him at all. Then he made plans one night to see each other, to which he just no called/no showed. I showed up at his house, drunk, and made a ****ing idiot out of myself bawling and throwing a tantrum. He said it was over, and man was it ever for him.

Not three days later he took a date to an open jam that him and I would go to weekly. He stopped returning any phone calls/texts. I saw him on match.com, and his profile picture was a text picture he had sent me months prior, like it was my picture..not for someone else.

 

I don't know why I'm blasting my personal info here. No one seems to understand how broken hearted I am. I know that things happen because they do, and that nothing is permanent. It's not that it ended that I'm having the most difficulty, it's the callous, insensitive, "I could care less" attitude. I can't decipher if that's how he really feels or if it's all to make me hurt more. Furthermore, none of those options settle well with me either.

 

I desperately want to move on. I'm in a new city, I'm going out and I'm doing things to occupy myself. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel like crying because I miss him. I want to have that switch that he apparently has, the one that you flip and then all of a sudden it's like magic... I never existed and I'm not a thought anymore. I don't have that switch. Instead, I have the severely broken heart. I've reached out to him a few times, and I hear nothing back. Each time I feel a little more stupid.

 

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I know when you boil it away I just need to move on. Just can't seem to.

[bubba1]

Thank you for the great post. I was thinking while reading your post of another quote I have heard in the past: "If you want to piss off God, tell him what your plans are". I am not religious, but it's true. We can plan and predict all we want, but nothing is certain, and learning how to cope with life's disappointments is probably the best use of our time. I say this like I'm doing it, but I'm actually living in the past so much lately, it's insane.

 

 

I am curious. Did you find out big things about stuff your ex was doing that you didn't know about?

[Legatus]

Has anyone actually heard from their ex's the words that "ignorance is bliss" when asked for explanations/reasons for their behaviour/choices/decisions ?

[groupergirl]

For people who want realistic tips on how to move on and get back to living your life I'll tell you what you need to do. Firstly you have to be honest with yourself and accept the fact that your ex has made up their mind however unbelievable it may feel that they gave up on you...accept it and tell yourself that they don't care about you any more and even if they do still care they are too chicken to try and make things work with you. Next step is to know the qualities you have as a human being and the qualities you bring to a relationship. Tell yourself that you are not worthless and that you intend to get back to being the best possible you that you can be...be selfish...think about whats best for you. And finally you have to let go of the guilt that gets in the way of you banishing your ex from your mind....there comes a time when you have to be ruthless to protect your own well being and self esteem so the best way to do that is to make a serious effort to forget them completely and devalue any worthy qualities you once thought they had....get rid of it all. drop it all and make yourself believe that they are worthless. Once you do that and start focusing on your own life again it becomes easy to open your heart to new people while also realising that you have learnt something from your last relationship....time to move on people...its over.

 

I soo needed this today. Thanks for sharing!!! It is so true. You do have to see the EX in a different light. You do have to focus on your strengths - putting yourself first.

 

My mother always said think of your EX Boyfriend like this:

 

Remember at Christmas time your parents made you clean out your old toys and give them to the less fortunate. Well there you go.

 

Give them to the less fortunate. Kinda makes sense.

[oracle]

Its a hard process

 

I have been doing it 3 years now while living with my ex. I am at a different place now than I was 1 year ago, and 1 year ago I was at a different place than I was the year before that.

 

There are pros and con's to doing it the way I have.

 

Unlike most of you... I am wrapping myself up in it like a blanket and living it for years.. You go thru the initial pain but you get to move on more cleanly

 

The pro tho is I get to fall out of love and really live all the what iffs so that hopefully when it is fully done and I go my way there is no lingering fantasy about how things may have played out differently. It will just be done... dead and seen from every possible angle for what it is.

 

Your scenario tho.. sounds like you went in with limits.. very distint limits but you changed those over time and he made overtures about what he wanted and you kind went along but didn;t. Sounds like he perhaps grew and nutured some resentment deeep down, and perhaps that made things easier for him to cut n run.

 

Bottom line.. don't ask the why question. Some people are just done, and when they are done they can walk and not look back.

 

It is what it is... you will never be able to answer the why questions.... sometimes we don't even know what drives us ourselves.

 

Hang in there... you will be ok

 

Hi there,

 

I just read your post and honestly, I appreciated what you had to say and the "to the point" delivery. Throughout my life I have had boyfriends and I have had breakups. Some more difficult than others. Last year I started seeing someone that had been a friend to me for approximately a year prior to that. I've never believed in soul mates. In fact, when I started seeing him I told him that, and that my intent in this relationship was for it to merely be physical. However, that desire was doomed from the get go. We both play music and shared that passion on stage. Long story short, I fell in love hard. These feelings were reciprocated. I am pretty astute... I can usually spot bull**** from a mile away, so when I say it was reciprocated, it was. This person started wanting things out of our relationship that I EVENTUALLY wanted, but not in the moment wanted (I.E moving in together, kids, marriage) I wanted to please him so I would talk about it like I was considering it, but I never made a move to do any of those things in the here-and now. I felt that I made it very clear how much I loved him and that by me not wanting to do those things immediately was in no way a reflection of our love. A few months ago the opportunity to move (out of state, about 2000 miles away) came up. I talked with him. He wanted to move with me. I thought this was our first "step". Man, I was wrong. When I actually made the arrangements to move, he backed out, simply stating he had a good job where he was at and that he didn't want to leave his family. I was CRUSHED. To add insult to injury, immediately following that conversation we went from seeing each other daily to basically not seeing him at all. Then he made plans one night to see each other, to which he just no called/no showed. I showed up at his house, drunk, and made a ****ing idiot out of myself bawling and throwing a tantrum. He said it was over, and man was it ever for him.

Not three days later he took a date to an open jam that him and I would go to weekly. He stopped returning any phone calls/texts. I saw him on match.com, and his profile picture was a text picture he had sent me months prior, like it was my picture..not for someone else.

 

I don't know why I'm blasting my personal info here. No one seems to understand how broken hearted I am. I know that things happen because they do, and that nothing is permanent. It's not that it ended that I'm having the most difficulty, it's the callous, insensitive, "I could care less" attitude. I can't decipher if that's how he really feels or if it's all to make me hurt more. Furthermore, none of those options settle well with me either.

 

I desperately want to move on. I'm in a new city, I'm going out and I'm doing things to occupy myself. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel like crying because I miss him. I want to have that switch that he apparently has, the one that you flip and then all of a sudden it's like magic... I never existed and I'm not a thought anymore. I don't have that switch. Instead, I have the severely broken heart. I've reached out to him a few times, and I hear nothing back. Each time I feel a little more stupid.

 

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I know when you boil it away I just need to move on. Just can't seem to.

[oracle]

Nothing is a secret.. I live with him.. I can see for myself. He hasn't been doing much since his first relationship outside ours imploded. Bearing witness to everything is a painful oddyssey at times, but it helps to desensitize one.

 

In terms of the 13yrs run up prior.. no there were no secrets he didn't do anything bad. We were literally together 24/7. Hes not the cheating type at all... his sexuality is a bit of an oddity. He had no outside friends, just him me and family interaction.

 

I like your quote, thank you for sharing with us.

 

 

Thank you for the great post. I was thinking while reading your post of another quote I have heard in the past: "If you want to piss off God, tell him what your plans are". I am not religious, but it's true. We can plan and predict all we want, but nothing is certain, and learning how to cope with life's disappointments is probably the best use of our time. I say this like I'm doing it, but I'm actually living in the past so much lately, it's insane.

 

 

I am curious. Did you find out big things about stuff your ex was doing that you didn't know about?

[L1ght]

I soo needed this today. Thanks for sharing!!! It is so true. You do have to see the EX in a different light. You do have to focus on your strengths - putting yourself first.

 

My mother always said think of your EX Boyfriend like this:

 

Remember at Christmas time your parents made you clean out your old toys and give them to the less fortunate. Well there you go.

 

Give them to the less fortunate. Kinda makes sense.

Glad my words helped. The value of making a decision and sticking with it can never be underestimated. Make the absolute decision to push away any of those lingering feelings you used to have towards your ex and focus on your own happiness and personal growth instead.

Good luck to you.